Feeling alone

[tazz23]

Sometimes I feel really alone. I feel as if there is no one to relate to how I feel.

My dad died unexpectedly 3 years ago. I was 18 and just started university. I don't think it ever really hit me that he had gone- University was a distraction and I guess an escape.
I started to grieve a year later, but felt like I should have finished grieving already- My mother and brother were far away and my friends perhaps felt awkward. I also have never been close to my dad's side of the family so didn't feel comfortable going to them. However, for my dads sake, I have tried to keep in touch with them through emails and telephone. They hardly ever respond through and I feel as if I'm a chore and they are only doing it because I am my fathers daughter and feel obliged to stay in touch.
I am 21 now and graduated in June with honours. Things were going great and I was really happy. I have a wonderful dbf and we moved in together with some friends in September and I had a job which I enjoyed.
Then in October my mother became very ill and to cut a long story short, she was diagonised with Pancreatic cancer. I moved back to live with my mum and brother who is 14. In December we found out that it had spread to the liver and doctors say there is not much they can do. They give her 3 years to live. I quit my job to become my mother's carer and look after my brother. He is only young and I really feel for him- He is very mature for his age, but i know he may lose both parents before he is 18.
Anyway, my mum has started chemotherapy and it is much tougher than I thought. She is sick regularly and I find it very tough sometimes, juggling all the house work and cooking and looking after her. I am not used to any of this and wish things were different. I find that none of my friends can relate to the situation and feel ashamed to tell people. My mum says to go out but I feel so guilty knowing she is sick and I am worried.
My mums family all live abroad as my mum moved to England when she married my dad and even though they have been very supportive and phone every day- I still find it hard to relate. I feel there is noone here and feel very responsible. Sometimes I cry at night, I find doing chores very boring but I cannot get a job as I never know what will happen with my mum. She goes into hospital frequently.
The idea that I will spend the next 3 years like this, makes me feel depressed. I love my mum and brother extremely and we are all very close but I want to get a job, travel, go out and be like any 'normal' 21 year old. I feel selfish for thinking these thoughts and I certainly don't want my mother to die. I am not sure how I will cope looking after my brother.

Tonight is one of those nights where I am upset for my mum and also for myself. I am grateful for the time I am spending with my family but wish things were different.

 

[jann1033]

i think you'd be abnormal if you didn't feel everything you are feeling. you haven't even really had time to accept your fathers passing, everybody greives at their own rate... and now you have major responsibilities with your mom's illness and younger brother and the abrupt change in how you thought your life would be...all those things would knock anyone off balance..I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this..sometimes life stinks and unfortunately we can't change it which also stinks
i don't know what your health coverage is like but is it possible for you to see a therapist? not because you are crazy just because that is a neutral party you can talk to ? you are trying to handle so much and really need some good support ..if not maybe some kind of support group for caregivers?...you are so young to be dealing with all this...

have you checked into health care aids also? sometimes you can get help to take some of the burden off your shoulders, maybe with chores, or just to give you a little time for yourself...it is not selfish for you to want to be young and i am sure your mom wants that for you also. if it were me i think i would feel a little time for yourself would help make me feel like i wasn't depriving you of your youth.
you are doing your best with a very very tough situation.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I do not know where to begin...

I am a caretaker myself, my husband has pancreatic cancer.....my children are grown and are supportive, but basically it is he and I, on the weekends my daughters try to come. Tomorrow he has chemo, I hate it, but if it is keeping alive, then absolutely needs to be done.

His was operated on, sounds like your Mom did not have any surgery. Are they trying to shrink the tumors with chemotherapy so that she may be able to have surgery.. I know in England, your medical is subsidized by the government. Do they have social workers or therapists that maybe you could talk to? Your Dad died, you managed to finish college and now your Mom is ill with one of the bad cancers..{{Hugs}} Is there any family that maybe you can reach out to for some support? You need to get yourself some help, start with the doctors and hospital and speak up, you do need to have some sort of support system.

It is perfectly normal to feel what you are feeling right now. Sometimes I say to my friends, I just want to run away.. not from my husband because I love him dearly, but from all the illness. I just want to go and be happy somewhere with no worries.. so I want you to know what you wrote here is normal for someone who is dealing with a family member who has cancer.

You are not alone, come here and vent anytime you need to... There are many who will reach out to you and give you comfort. Hugs.

 

[disney kid at heart]

My prayers go out to you, your mom, and brother!! We are all here for you.

 

[TruBlu]

I know how it feels to loose your Dad suddenly. That happened to me 17 years ago, and it still seems like yesterday. The feelings of sadness and loss do get better with time. Eventually you will be able to focus on good memories instead of just the sad. For me, it just took time. Try to stay strong, and try to get some help. I wish I had. I know it would have helped.

 

[tazz23]

Thank you for the kind words.. I felt a lot better just sharing this. It has been a much better few days

Mackey Mouse- I have never met someone else with pancreatic cancer, I was told it is very rare for someone under 65 to have it?
I am so sorry for your husband I've been reading your threads and your kindness and caring nature is wonderful!

My mother hasn't had surgery because the doctors say they do not operate if the cancer has spread, which it has in my mothers case to the liver. I don't know if this is the same in America? They said chemotherapy is very uneffective and were very pessimistic. However she has decided to give it a go and she is doing 3 months of chemotherapy before having a CT scan to see if it has helped or spread further. She has an injection of gemcitabine and she also takes oral chemotherapy of capecitibine daily. I don't know if these are similar to what your husband takes or how good they are? I know they were not designed for pancreatic cancer but I hope they help keep it from spreading further.

Again thank you everyone for your kindness

 

[Mackey Mouse]

No problem... I am glad your Mom is giving it a go.....my husband was 60 when this started.

My husband's pc was not in his liver.. it was never there, it was in his duodenum so he was a candidate for the surgery, which he had....He had treatment after, radiation and 5FU....5 days a week, off on the weekends for 6 weeks....then a month off, then once a week, gemcitabine by iv, for 4 months.. 3 weeks on, one week off.

They then scanned him and did not see anything so we just lived our lives until the next scan.

The next scan showed a reoccurrence in his clavicle area.....so now we are doing gemcitabine again...3 weeks on, one week off. In the US...the new miracle drug that they are using for this kind of cancer is Tarceva....it causes rash on the face and upper body, but it is what they use now. Right now my husband cannot tolerate it as he had a terrible reaction to it, but we may try introducing it again in the future.. lesser dose..

Please know you are not alone, if you need to talk, you can find me here or pm me... Stay strong, and keep positive and do the best you can to help your Mom, but please do get some help for yourself as well..

Hugs.. I looked up capecitabine and it says on the internet, it is used for breast and bowel cancers, but I am sure they are all interchangeable depending on where the cancer is located.. etc..

Ask the doctors about Tarceva......it has just come off clinical trials here and it is the newest they have for treating pancreatic..

 

[minijeanie]

you are a strong, unselfish 21 year old who should be very proud of herself.

There are not many kids your age who would do what you do and for that you should give yourself a pat on the back

You should give yourself at least one day a week to go out with your friends and just enjoy yourself.

I would also recommend going to group counseling. Call your local cancer society. they will help you immensely.

Hang in there. I will pray for your mom

Best to you and your family

 

[safetymom]

You are going through some very tough times and you wouldn't be human if it didn't bother you.

But be sure to take care of yourself while you are taking care of others. It is easier said than done. I have been there.

Keep posting here, you will find it helps to get it out.