FEDS NAB SNIPERS, LOSE MARTHA STEWART
Domestic Diva Considered Dangerous, Armed With .223 Caliber Glue Gun
Hours after the police apprehended the alleged perpetrators of the recent Washington-area sniping spree, federal law enforcement officials announced that domestic diva Martha Stewart had given them the slip and was now at large.
The feds warned the public that Ms. Stewart should be considered armed and dangerous, as she was thought to be carrying a .223 caliber glue gun.
Red-faced feds admitted that the search for the snipers might have distracted them from their ongoing surveillance of Ms. Stewart, who is currently the subject of well over one thousand different criminal probes.
In addition, the FBI said, East Coast law enforcement resources were spread even thinner this week as the police devoted their time and attention to the imprisonment of P.R. princess Lizzie Grubman, who police feared might try to ram the Long Island courthouse in her luxury SUV.
Trying to stay on top of the snipers, Lizzie Grubman and Martha Stewart all at the same time proved a little too much for us, Im afraid, said FBI spokesman Carlton Hoving.
While the feds released only sketchy details of Ms. Stewarts escape from her Westport, Connecticut home, it is believed that Ms. Stewart slipped out of her residence in an elaborate Halloween costume of her own creation.
Ms. Stewart may be roaming the country dressed as either Snow White or Cinderella, said the FBIs Hoving. The public should be advised that she is armed, dangerous and in an incredibly *****y mood.
***Borowitz Reports****
Domestic Diva Considered Dangerous, Armed With .223 Caliber Glue Gun
Hours after the police apprehended the alleged perpetrators of the recent Washington-area sniping spree, federal law enforcement officials announced that domestic diva Martha Stewart had given them the slip and was now at large.
The feds warned the public that Ms. Stewart should be considered armed and dangerous, as she was thought to be carrying a .223 caliber glue gun.
Red-faced feds admitted that the search for the snipers might have distracted them from their ongoing surveillance of Ms. Stewart, who is currently the subject of well over one thousand different criminal probes.
In addition, the FBI said, East Coast law enforcement resources were spread even thinner this week as the police devoted their time and attention to the imprisonment of P.R. princess Lizzie Grubman, who police feared might try to ram the Long Island courthouse in her luxury SUV.
Trying to stay on top of the snipers, Lizzie Grubman and Martha Stewart all at the same time proved a little too much for us, Im afraid, said FBI spokesman Carlton Hoving.
While the feds released only sketchy details of Ms. Stewarts escape from her Westport, Connecticut home, it is believed that Ms. Stewart slipped out of her residence in an elaborate Halloween costume of her own creation.
Ms. Stewart may be roaming the country dressed as either Snow White or Cinderella, said the FBIs Hoving. The public should be advised that she is armed, dangerous and in an incredibly *****y mood.
***Borowitz Reports****
