Fears/worries before having a baby?

[luna99]

I read the family boards a lot even though my husband and I do not have any children yet and I wanted to get some help with this...

dh and I are planning to start trying to have a baby early next year... 95% of the time I know it's what I want.. I am already reading about birthing and raising babies and pregnancy.... but there is that little 5% that rears it's ugly head once in a while... I think it's mostly fears... things like:

1. Will I be a good mom?
2. Having a baby changes everything FOREVER. There's no sending it back! do I really want this?
3. Will my husband be ready for this? I'm really going to need his help and I hope he steps up to the plate.
4. Will I be able to juggle work/school (I'm thinking of going back)/baby/and keeping a healthy relationship with my husband?
5. Do my husband and I really need to sit down and talk about raising children and how we want to do it? or do we just handle things as they come?

lol.. yeah, I'm driving myself crazy over this. Basically, I know I want a baby but I'm scared and nervous.
I mean, if you already have one child and then decide to have another I don't think it would be that big of a difference because you know what you're in for.. you're already living that life.. but to go from NO KIDS to the first baby is a big change.

How many of you REALLY thought about it a lot before you went through with it? do you wish you hadn't thought about it so much?

how did you get over all of these fears/worries?

 

[LadyShea]

We had infertility problems and did not become parents (via adoption) until we had been married 14 years. I basically thought about it for a decade...and quite frankly am glad I did. I think we are better parents because were not just winging it. We had discussed parenting techniques/philosophies and discipline and expectations and our own strengths and weaknesses etc. many times, prompted by the births and childhoods of our nieces and nephews and close friends kids.

Other may feel differently of course, but this is a huge journey to undertake without serious consideration, to me.

This concerns me a bit, perhaps you can clarify

3. Will my husband be ready for this? I'm really going to need his help and I hope he steps up to the plate.

Have you asked him if he's ready? Do you have reason to believe he might not "step up to the plate"? Does he really want kids and does he seem to look forward to being an involved dad?

 

[luna99]

Have you asked him if he's ready? Do you have reason to believe he might not "step up to the plate"? Does he really want kids and does he seem to look forward to being an involved dad?

oh yeah.. he's ready. He wants kids and we talked it over and decided together on when to start trying (actually, I think he was the one who chose spring 2009). I think it's more just me being worried ... just the same as me asking "will I be a good mom?"

 

[HGD24]

Being a new mom myself, I can tell you that all of your worries are perfectly normal and something that most of us think about. DH and I talked about having kids on and off for years. He was ready, I wasn't, I was ready, he wasn't - then one day, we were both ready. We often talked about how we would raise our kids, but realized that once DD was here, our own parenting styles emerged. Your style may not be at all what you thought it was going to be - and that's ok, it just means that the two of you work harder to come to agreements on things.

Taking care of a baby, going to school and keeping a good relationship will be tough, but is totally doable. DH and I both work full-time and he's taking Masters classes online - 1 per semester. We just share the parenting responsibilities to make sure that DD is getting enough time with both of us and to be sure that both of us are getting time to do the things we want to do as well. It can be done, it just takes a lot of give and take from both of you.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[puffkin]

I think the biggest misconception about parenthood is that once you have a child that EVERYTHING is devoted to the kid. Even though that is a VERY prominent view point on these boards, there are many wonderful parents that don't completely change their lifestyle because of kids.

I still work, travel, have hobbies, go out etc. DH and I went to see a concert in Atlantic City this summer and stayed over the night. We still eat out. We eat the same foods and do many of the same activities as before. We even try to keep to toys/kid stuff delegated to certain rooms so our house isn't over run with stuff. Sometimes we make accomodations for DS and other times we don't have to.

Is it hard to find that balance....yes. Do I sometimes feel beaten down and discouraged because I am not the wonderful and devoted parents that so many others on these boards are.....yes. Do I feel like I have still maintained "me" even though I am a mom now too......yes.

What I am trying to say is that when you are ready to have a baby you will know. And you don't have to be a super-mom to be a good mom. That was a hang up for me too, but once I realized how unrealistic it was to be that "mom" and that I could still be "me" and a mom, it made it so much easier to accept. Good luck and just try not to get too caught up in being a perfect mother or you will never get the chance to be a mother!

 

[MissyBrenda]

We waited 11 years before deciding the time was right, and wouldn't change that for the world. I, too, had fears and doubts. There were some days where I thought I didn't know if I even wanted children. But then, it all came down to this: I looked ahead at my life, down the road 30 - 40 years, and I just couldn't picture our family without at least 1 child in it. After that, the decision was made, and even though the worries were still there, I knew I didn't have a choice and I'd muddle through it some how.

Brenda

 

[lalagrace]

thinking about the impact of having children before you do is so important!
I think discussing parenting philsophies is a good idea, knowing that it is open to change as your experience changes.
I thought my husband and I had covered all those bases, but when reality came, it was very different. Its true that having a baby changes your marriage, and for myself not for the better. Kids are totally worth it, but they demand a lot of sacrifice.
Ensure that you and your husband have time to enjoy each other before you change the dynamic, beacause the memory of that time, will sometimes sustain you when things are not as smooth.
My final and very jaded 2 cents is be careful of who you have children with because husbands come and go, but the father of your baby will be involved in your life forever.

 

[LadyShea]

I could still be "me" and a mom

Really well said.

After 14 years as a duo, I worried a bit that I might either go overboard trying to be supermom OR be unable to "change my ways" enough to be a good mom. However, rather than changing everything about us in response to having DS, we just included him in our lives from day one. We have taken him to restaurants, shopping, on trips, etc. since he was born and really our lifestyle and routines haven't changed much, it just includes another person.

 

[1rockinmamato2]

I agree that all of your worries are normal. And I must say that #3 is a biggie! My husband has been wonderful.

We started TTC not even a year after we were married. We ended up dealing with infertility, so our son didn't come into our lives until we were married for 11 years.

Yes, a baby changes everything, but if you want to become a parent then you won't mind the sacrifices you are going to have to make.

Now, with that being said, our lives were turned upside down when DD came along. We were presented with adopting her and since we wanted another child, we of course said yes. But, having two 13 months apart has been the biggest challenge for us.

One was a piece of cake compared to two.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

You need to really talk to your husband about this. He may WANT kids but will he really contibute? Meaning does he just want kids because he wants them and you do it all or does he really want to be a Dad with all that entails. Some people have kids just because they want them and then treat it like it is some burden etc. It isn't, but you have to want all that comes with it. Does your DH help you with things now? Do you do everything while he does very little or nothing? I only ask because I had a friend who's husband was like that. 2 kids later and he still does nothing and she is unhappy and now she has children who have a lazy idiot for a father who only likes to boast about actually having children when in reality he does nothing with them or for them. So honestly I do think you need to talk about what you both really really want and what your expectations are. Good luck. Having children, for us, is better than anything you could ever offer us. We love them beyond words and are so grateful for them. They are the greatest gift we could have ever received. Yes- they are the center of our world but we still travel, go out to eat, have great parties etc. but now we have them to share it all with.

 

[ADAMANDLISA]

These are absolutely very normal fears!!! I think every mother has them at one point or another. With DS #1, DH and I wanted a baby more than anything. We had a hard time conceiving, and finally, after surgery I got pregnant. As much as I wanted to be be pregnant, when I finally was, I was terrified! I had many of the same questions you did. Obviously everything turned out ok, because we are crazy enough to have 3 within 37 months ON PURPOSE.


Don't worry! I'm sure you'll make great parents!

And yeah, your life will change, but it will be so much more fulfilling!

Good luck with your decision!

 

[ktlm]

I'll give you a little piece of wisdom that I read when I was worried about whether I would be a decent mother and that I have found to be true with other people that voiced the same concern. "If you are worried about whether you are going to be a good mother, it means you will be a good mother" The idea is the fact that you are worried means that you care and want to be a good mother and you will be fine. It sounds to me like you are ready and are just having normal concerns. DH and I weren't positive we were ready or that we even wanted kids until we decided to go ahead and try and then found out we had infertility problems. When faced with the real prospect of not having kids, I absolutely knew it was what I wanted. It took us a long time and we had to go through a lot, but we have an adorable little girl- and if I had had any idea what I was missing, we would have started trying years earlier! It is wonderful (even in those times that you are ready to pull your hair out). It is a BIG change, but at least to me, it is so worth it.

 

[tinkerlisa]

I have 2 kids. My oldest was a "surprise" my other son was planned. Even though he was planned, I still had the same fears. Those fears also included how will my other son feel? And How will this impact our family?

It is a BIG decision and everything you feel is perfectly normal. As for your fear of the baby changing everything, it does, but my Hubby and I still do things together and so can you and yours. And we have taken our kids with us to do all sorts of things. Thats how you bond. Don't think: "Oh man, now we can't go to the beach anymore" but think this: "how will baby react to the sand on her toes?"

I just went with the flow of things. I knew how to take care of a baby but had no clue how to raise my own. Sometimes you just learn as you go.

I totally agree with puffkin. Don't strive to be the "perfect" mom. There is no such thing. You will only stress yourself out trying to be June Cleaver. Remember she was only a character not a real person.

 

[Ellester]

I think all your concerns are perfectly normal. We waited 7 years after we were married to have kids. We're now expecting #4. DH says he wishes we had started a little earlier, but I think the timing worked out for the best for us. One piece of advice we got that I think really rings true is that if you wait until you think you are totally ready for kids, you'll be waiting forever. Good luck!

 

[princess&her4princes]

It's completely normal and you go through the same thing with each baby you have...I remember being nervous having #1 and then when expecting #2 I was worried that I couldn't love anyone as much as #1 and then with #3, I was worried about making #2 a middle child..it never ends. It's parenthood...there is always something to be worried about and you do the best you can. If you wait, you will never have them, there is never enough of anything..time/money/etal, you figure it out and you'll learn together.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

For DH and I, we chose to adopt so there was a lot of discussing amongst ourselves and a social worker for our home-study.

We discussed how we wanted to parent, we check-in with eachother as new things come up and how we should handle it.

We waited a long time for our case to finish up to bring home our baby... when we exited the final court - I got very nervous. She was coming home 4 wks later.. and I really wondered if I could give up all the ME time that I had, if I could love this child, and handle her 24/7!

Let me tell you... She is the greatest joy and love in my life! My DH feels the same as well. I can't imagine not having her by my side 24/7.

Life does change... I miss being able to go to a movie with my husband (we don't leave our DD with sitters) but would I change anything in my life? no way!

 

[Missin'Disney]

One piece of advice we got that I think really rings true is that if you wait until you think you are totally ready for kids, you'll be waiting forever. Good luck!

I have to second this opinion....a lot of previous posters have told you to continue this soul-searching to make sure you are really truly ready (as well as your DH) the problem is, you will never truly know until the time comes. It sounds to me that you are both certain that you want to be parents, just a little nervous if you will be good parents. That is normal, and a sign that you will be! Considering your ages, I would not be waiting at this point. Fertility doesn't last forever. Especially if you want more than one child I don't think you should be over-thinking the whole parenting issue. I know too many people who waited for the same as well as other reasons (financial readiness), and then either couldn't get pregnant or had issues associated with "advanced maternal age", which Docs consider to be 35!
So go get to tryin' to get pregnant. You'll have 40 weeks to sort out the details
good luck to you both!!
OH and BTW...Disney is so much more fun with your kids....there is nothing like seeing Disney through your children's eyes!

 

[snickerboo]

LOL Honey, if you wait til you're 100% ready, you'll never have them. I think every worry you've listed is totally normal. The thing is, children will change your life dramatically but once you have them, you'll wonder what you ever did without them.

Don't strive to be the "perfect" mom. There is no such thing. You will only stress yourself out trying to be June Cleaver. Remember she was only a character not a real person.

Absolutely true. As long as you love them and you always try to do your best, you'll be doing fine. When we have our first kids we all want everything to be *perfect* but junior will show you pretty quickly (usually with some well-timed projectile vomit on a baptism gown or runny poop on the beautiful hand-crocheted balnket from great-grandma) that perfect doesn't exist with kids! LOL

 

[Jenvenza]

Your fears and worries are completely normal and I don't think they all go away even after you have the baby!! You end up with more fears and worries!!

If you are 95% sure you are ready, that is pretty darn good!!

 

[luna99]

I just want to thank you all for your comments and replies.. I am feeling MUCH better about all this and thank you to the poster who pointed out that you CAN have a baby and still be YOU! that's a really important thing for me to remember...

I also really liked the thing about "if you are worrying about being a good mom, you will be one"....

thanks again everyone and you can be sure as soon as I get knocked up I will make a thread about it here!