Favorite Jungle Cruise jokes

[iheartwalt]

My 2 year olds favorite ride is Jungle Cruise so we have done it about 10 times over the past 10 days. As a pun lover I really love the awful jokes and have noticed some fun variety with our boat captains. What are your favorite jokes?
My faves:
"I like to point out this sandstone, most people take it for granite."
"For those of you who haven't seen The Jungle Book....it's right there."
"We are now entering Africa and this is the Nile River. It goes on for miles and miles and if you don't believe me you're in ....Africa. Weren't you just listening?"

 

[ttintagel]

"We're now passing Schweitzer Falls,named after the great explorer, Dr.Albert Falls."

 

[saturn5]

Jungle Cruise is my favorite ride at WDW. I love all the puns, but if i'd have to pick a few, they would be:
"Does anybody know the name of that snake? No not python, Plastic."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, its the back side of water!"
And at the end, when the boat is docking, this varies by skipper:
"It's a paradox"
"Please keep all hands arms feet in legs inside the boat, we don't want to scratch the dock, its brand new."
"Who liked riding the Jungle Cruise? (Hands go up) Really?? Me too! So I am going to do it again, and again, and again....stay in school kids."
"And please watch your head and step, and if you hit your head, please watch your language. this is still a family park."

I tell you, its great when your room mate is a skipper. The puns never end!

 

[Drfate102]

Please do not step over the bench in the middle. It is a fire hazard. You will trip and fall, I will point and laugh, then get fired.

 

[KittyyKattyy]

Please do not step over the bench in the middle. It is a fire hazard. You will trip and fall, I will point and laugh, then get fired.

This is my favorite!!!!

 

[cgattis]

I love it when they point out their favorite plants...."that one, this one, that green one over there...." And the list of prior jobs, like "vacuum cleaner factory--it sucked.". I also adore the puns, all of them.

 

[sammons70]

This is trader Sam. Today he is offering a special. 2 of his heads for yours.

 

[Deb & Bill]

Be careful. Ginger snaps.

 

[daveyk]

My two favorite lines happened on trips right before park closing. In both cases, the boats were nearly empty.

The first occurred just as we were entering the temple. The skipper looks at the guy sitting next to him and says "that temple looks scary. I'm not sure I want to go in. Here, you steer." And then he moves back away from the wheel and cowers while the poor guest - he had said it was his first trip - looks worried.

The other is now my all time favorite. Skipper looks over at the tail of the plane and says "That downed plane can only mean one thing: hippos! Those hippos climb up in the trees and can jump up and down an aircraft...but I know how to get them down..."

And he starts flipping the lights on and off and chants "hippos...please...get...out....the....trees."

Its was awesome...

 

[SpacePlace]

"If you enjoyed your ride today, my name is Timothy and this is the Jungle Cruise, if you didn't I am Randy and this is Splash Mountain."

"What not yet? Ok, well folks I just loved you all being here today... still not ready? I just wish I could take you around with me all day... really, still not ready? If I had more room in my house I would just invite you all-what you're ready!? OKAY EVERYONE GET OFF MY BOAT! OFF! OFF!"

 

[jpeka65844]

I love it when they point out their favorite plants...."that one, this one, that green one over there...." And the list of prior jobs, like "vacuum cleaner factory--it sucked.". I also adore the puns, all of them.

I like this one too. However, it's awkward when you're the only English speaking people on the boat. It's happened.

 

[Order66]

We love all the stupid jokes on the jungle cruise. My kids and I once had a private cruise so our skipper really let them fly for us. He stopped a lot and rather than picking one or two jokes, I think he told us everyone that he had for each stop.

Pointing to the plastic butterflies only indigenous to FL and CA. Available in the gift shop for $49.99 or Walmart for $9.99.

Told us his name (Mike) and hoped we enjoyed our ride on the Jungle Cruise, if we didn't then his name was John and we'd been on Pirates of the Caribbean.

and their favorite...

Told my son he was scared to go into the tunnel and handed him the helm. Didn't know where we'd end up, possibly in terrible danger or worse.......A Disney Gift shop!


regards

 

[kofslinky]

I'm a big fan of the "back side of water". It's a standing joke at home now.

A great thing that happened was on my very first trip. It was February and chilly, so we were in sweatshirts and jeans. My sweatshirt was very yellow (team sweatshirt for coaching) and my Skipper looked at me at near the gorillas and she said, "Ma'am. Whatever you do, do NOT act like a banana." It was awesome, and we still make that joke when I wear the sweatshirt.

 

[parkhopping]

My favorite is a variant on the tunnel-gift shop joke: "Who knows what's in this tunnel? There could be danger! There could be adventure! There could be...a gift shop! This is Disney World, after all..."

I also love Inspiration Falls, the one time I've had a skipper who got it right: "We're now passing Inspiration Falls. We call it that because it inspires you to go.....further into the jungle."

I also once had a skipper who pointed out the (real) ducks in the water and explained how they have to wind them up every day and release them into the river. Same skipper told us the lions were babysitting the sleeping zebra. I lost it!

 

[Random Ninja]

I live a couple hours away and rode JC several times in Nov-Dec last year and managed to have the same skipper every.single.time. (No, I wasn't stalking her or anything. Even the CMs at the dock couldn't figure out how it kept happening.) Well, we'd talk each time and really get into joking back and forth. I finally told her that she was the only skipper I'd had for the last 2 months. Without missing a beat she said, "I'm sorry." It just cracked me up. I know it isn't a joke per se but the timing was perfect.

 

[time101]

"Please be sure to take your children as you leave the boat. If you don't, we will nail their shoes to the floor and take them to "it's a small world" and we'll make them sing that hideous song over and over and over....I know. That's how I got here."

 

[momof2gr8kids]

Near the end of the ride where that jungle man is, our skipper casually interrupeted her speech with a wave and a "hi dad". Thought that was hilarious.

Also, at the end she hoped we enjoyed our ride. She said if we thought it was boring to head over to the swiss family robinson tree house next door then come back and have a chat. LOL

 

[TheRustyScupper]

"Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.
Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00 bills
Wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile.
We have good news for you. We found your rubber band. "