Father & son not getting along--**UPDATE post 28

[KirstenB]

Minkydog, I don't know the whole situation, but isn't this son disabled in some way? I may be confusing him with someone else, but I think I've seen you post before...maybe Asperger's? Sorry I can't remember.

Anyway, if I'm just totally muddled, and he doesn't have any disabilities, he really does need to be working full time, or going to school full time. When I was that age, I didn't do well with any "down time". Just tended to get into trouble. I also tended to get depressed if I had too much time on my hands. Anyway, good luck.

 

[Caradana]

I'm with KirstenB - is this the son with Aspergers and a host of processing disorders? If so, I might qualify what I'm about to say, but if not ...

If this were my kid, he'd be out of my house. Forget it. I'm not willing to live in a war zone with my heart in my throat, dreading coming home, in order to facilitate the 19-year-old who can't even get himself together to pass a class.

You are far more patient than me. This kid's bags would be packed at the end of our driveway tonight, and we would have new locks. He's never going to change without a serious kick in the rear.

 

[minkydog]

i
don't blame the meds totaly for your dh's attitude/mood-from personal experience i can say that after being a very driven student and employee (worked from the time i was 15 in addition to attending ft school/college) having an illness force me into disability retirement at 42 (and no possiblity of ever working again) is very frustrating. i am very apt to show my anger when i observe someone completly capable of being self sustained, having the capacity to better themselves not taking any action to do so. i suspect your husband is also concerned that should you become a single parent, your adult son will be more apt to take advantage of than work with you to help the situation.

hugs to all of you-wish you dh a happy dad's day from all of us.

Barkley, I think you hit the nail on the head. You understand DH's situation very well. His star is falling and John's star is rising. DH worries about how I will manage with Christian, our autistic/MR son.

I try hard NOT to compare DS19 with his dad; DH has always been ambitious, energetic and analytical. DS19 has always marched to the beat of a different drummer. He is creative, witty, and laid back. He is my one who has severe ADHD and is bipolar(two stints in a psych facility for suicidal gestures in his senior year.) The fact that he failed college was not a surprise to me and i'm not particularly bothered by it, except that I know DS would like to be successful there. My rule is "You pass, I pay." He is very interested in film, theater, music, etc and I will continue to support him in that because he really loves it. Some day I'm sure he will make it, but it's gonna be a long haul.

I have made it clear to both of them that John is NOT going to be thrown out of the house unless there is clear violation of the law or our very reasonable rules. And I have told DH that it's not helpful to invite him to leave every time they disagree--my mother did that to me and it felt awful(well, actually, she kicked me out at 20 ) DH is disappointed that DS doesn't "step up to the plate" but I realize that at 19 John is not quite ready to take full responsibility for himself. He is still struggling to figure it all out.

Thanks for all the advice. I think I will sit down with both of them and let them know how much their fighting hurts me. I love them dearly, but they are going to have to get a grip on their relationship before it drives me to depression.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know you don't want to let him go but if he and your DH will be happier apart perhaps you can figure out a way to make it work, in a "positive" way, you know?
Something has to change.
Maybe put a time frame on it??? I don't know but I am sure you can come up with something.
Perhaps tell them they need to get along or both of them are out! HMMMM....
{HUGS}

 

[minkydog]

I know you don't want to let him go but if he and your DH will be happier apart perhaps you can figure out a way to make it work, in a "positive" way, you know?
Something has to change.
Maybe put a time frame on it??? I don't know but I am sure you can come up with something.
Perhaps tell them they need to get along or both of them are out! HMMMM....
{HUGS}

I tell you what, either they both get along or how 'bout *I* leave And I'm not taking Christian, either

 

[lovemygoofy]

Barkley, I think you hit the nail on the head. You understand DH's situation very well. His star is falling and John's star is rising. DH worries about how I will manage with Christian, our autistic/MR son.

I try hard NOT to compare DS19 with his dad; DH has always been ambitious, energetic and analytical. DS19 has always marched to the beat of a different drummer. He is creative, witty, and laid back. He is my one who has severe ADHD and is bipolar(two stints in a psych facility for suicidal gestures in his senior year.) The fact that he failed college was not a surprise to me and i'm not particularly bothered by it, except that I know DS would like to be successful there. My rule is "You pass, I pay." He is very interested in film, theater, music, etc and I will continue to support him in that because he really loves it. Some day I'm sure he will make it, but it's gonna be a long haul.

I have made it clear to both of them that John is NOT going to be thrown out of the house unless there is clear violation of the law or our very reasonable rules. And I have told DH that it's not helpful to invite him to leave every time they disagree--my mother did that to me and it felt awful(well, actually, she kicked me out at 20 ) DH is disappointed that DS doesn't "step up to the plate" but I realize that at 19 John is not quite ready to take full responsibility for himself. He is still struggling to figure it all out.

Thanks for all the advice. I think I will sit down with both of them and let them know how much their fighting hurts me. I love them dearly, but they are going to have to get a grip on their relationship before it drives me to depression.

Let me give you a first. I'm not in your situation and can't begin to understand. I do have a question. Does your son receive any special services from the college he is enrolled in? Every public university has department to help with students that are special need free of charge. This includes tutoring, note taking, books on tape, and help with test taking. If he or ya'll haven't looked into this maybe this could help you.

I also know a couple universities in the country that actually have specialized departments that work solely with special needs students. They are quite expensive but without a doubt worth the money. Just to throw that out there for you.

Has your son received any grief counseling for your dh's illness? I'm sure that with the struggle of the bipolar and the hormones at that age and then dealing with the cancer of your dh's is jumbling up everything inside him. Maybe a specialized grief counselor could help him AND another one for your husband. My mother became disabled at 42 and took her a few years to come to grips with the person that she was, wanted to be and now is.

If you ever need to run away, I have room on my couch for you Good luck

 

[DisnyMama]

minkydog, my heart goes out to you. I'm sending you lots of and praying for you all.

Shannon

 

[minkydog]

Well, things are finally better, the air is cleared at least. I hate with DH & DS fight--they are like two bulldogs after the same snake and neither one will give an inch I'm not sure who initiated the thaw, but they ended up cooking some chicken livers together and let their guard down. <sigh> I do think that DS would be happier if he moved out with some friends. DH told him we weren't trying to kick him out, but that if he wants that independent life-style he needs to work more so he can afford it,because he can't live la vida loca in our house. We are nearly 50yrs old and we don't appreciate the late night music and friends hanging out that he would like to enjoy

Thanks for all your support. It's been a rough weekend, but at least we're all talking again.