Father/Son/Grandson possible reunion

[LWatson]

So, My husband's biological Dad gave up custody of him when he was little and he was adopted by his mom's ex husband (married at the time). Well, he was in his life in and out, but we havent seen him since our wedding (and its the only time in 13years I've ever met him). I mentioned to Hubby that I thought it would be a good idea to have him meet us down in FL on our next trip (the may one) and bring either DH's 2 brothers or his Aunt and Uncle along too (she and I have never met, but we have talked). Well, he has been like "Ugh no I really dont think he will want to do that. It costs a lot...etc". Well, I told his aunt what I was thinking and she thinks its a really good idea. She said DH's Biological Dad has been really wanting to become part of his life now, and really wants to know the grandkids (my boys). Should I tell DH that we think this is a good idea and tell him all that his Dad is wanting, or just let it go? We are going up in July to see him, but only for like 3 days and we are staying w/ his aunt. His StepMom is kind of not thrilled at all w/ Dennis or our kids and so we would like him to meet the kids in an area that isnt filled with her negativity.

 

[zoemurr]

My dad has been "in and out" of my life too and it was terrible. The only way I found any peace was to just realize it wasn't meant to be and to mourn our relationship and put it aside. I used to be so upset every holiday that he didn't contact us. It's been 10 years now since we've spoken and it gets easier and easier. I wouldn't want to open all that up again and probably have to start over.

Until you've been abandoned by a parent you have no idea how it feels. I'm almost 40 and I'll never get over it.

 

[Luvchefmic]

IMHO My Dad & My brother didn't talk for years..not the same situation as your family & your DH but similiar. They (my Dad & dear uncle his brother) wanted very much to plan a reunion at the Baseball Hall of Fame..same line of thinking as you neutral territory/make good memories etc..My brother wasn't ready. Dear Dad passed away before amends could be made. That will be 10 yrs this July. Brother will never be the same & it has fractured the family apart.

Life is so short, if your DH's father and any members of his family want to do this and they pay their own way; I would say DO it. BUT I would NOT plan my whole vacation around them. Take it s l o w.....plan a meal together & maybe a few hours together of the days they are there. Make sure everyone is on board with that plan so more hurt feelings won't happen due to further lack of communication. I hope the fences can be mended.

 

[zoemurr]

IMHO My Dad & My brother didn't talk for years..not the same situation as your family & your DH but similiar. They (my Dad & dear uncle his brother) wanted very much to plan a reunion at the Baseball Hall of Fame..same line of thinking as you neutral territory/make good memories etc..My brother wasn't ready. Dear Dad passed away before amends could be made. That will be 10 yrs this July. Brother will never be the same & it has fractured the family apart.

Life is so short, if your DH's father and any members of his family want to do this and they pay their own way; I would say DO it. BUT I would NOT plan my whole vacation around them. Take it s l o w.....plan a meal together & maybe a few hours together of the days they are there. Make sure everyone is on board with that plan so more hurt feelings won't happen due to further lack of communication. I hope the fences can be mended.

The aunt said that the dad really wants to see everyone? Then why hasn't he called in years? I would be very hesitant to introduce your boys to him. If he has not been banging on your door than I can't think it is a big priority to him. Sorry.. but I've been there.

I think any/all effort needs to come from your DH. I would not subject your kids to what will most likely be an awkard situation (at best) especially when there is a chance they won't see/hear from him again.

I agree that an unresolved fight (where both are to blame) is different than a parent walking out on a child. It's harsh, but it's taken me years to realize that I don't owe him anything, and I can't continue to let him hurt me.

 

[momof2gr8kids]

The aunt said that the dad really wants to see everyone? Then why hasn't he called in years? I would be very hesitant to introduce your boys to him. If he has not been banging on your door than I can't think it is a big priority to him. Sorry.. but I've been there.

I think any/all effort needs to come from your DH. I would not subject your kids to what will most likely be an awkard situation (at best) especially when there is a chance they won't see/hear from him again.

I agree that an unresolved fight (where both are to blame) is different than a parent walking out on a child. It's harsh, but it's taken me years to realize that I don't owe him anything, and I can't continue to let him hurt me.

I agree w/ zoemurr. I don't think it's up to you and the aunt to make this happen. It's between your dh and his father, and if his father hasn't been making the effort, I wouldn't push it. My dh is in the same situation as yours. He saw our now 8 yr old at 3 months old and hasn't even met our son.

You mentioned you already had a trip planned in July to meet up with him. I would go and enjoy your disney trip w/ your family without the added stress or worry of incorporating this initial meeting. If you're worried about the step mom's negativity ruining your July trip, I'm sure you can plan some time to get together with just the bio dad.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I still feel the way I do BUT DH and his father should make the initial contact, NOT the wife & the Aunt.....

 

[LWatson]

Well, DH's aunt called today. Originally they (her, DH's uncle, DH's BioDad, and Brothers) were supposed to come down next week for Easter, but we found out earlier that they couldnt make it down since DH's dad was in a motorcycle accident and has a broken rib among other things. She has asked DH for us to come up and visit over Easter next week (staying w/ her). DH really wants to, so we may end up up there (he has to get approved for a pass to go further than 100miles from here from his work), so that deff skips the awkward moment at Disney. I just hope that moment isnt horrible if we just come up next weekend. Would this be wise or not to do next week? Originally we were supposed to go back in Dec of this past year but were not granted leave, so it has been kind of delayed already.

Sorry to just be so out there with questions about it. I've never dealt w/ what he has been through as my parents are still married and live 10min down the road.

 

[LWatson]

The aunt said that the dad really wants to see everyone? Then why hasn't he called in years? I would be very hesitant to introduce your boys to him. If he has not been banging on your door than I can't think it is a big priority to him. Sorry.. but I've been there.

I think any/all effort needs to come from your DH. I would not subject your kids to what will most likely be an awkard situation (at best) especially when there is a chance they won't see/hear from him again.

I agree that an unresolved fight (where both are to blame) is different than a parent walking out on a child. It's harsh, but it's taken me years to realize that I don't owe him anything, and I can't continue to let him hurt me.

Oh no he has been in contact, but the SM has been kind of intercepting emails and letters between the 2. They have started sending all correspondence through the aunt so that SM wont step in and delete, throw away, or "lose" them.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Oh no he has been in contact, but the SM has been kind of intercepting emails and letters between the 2. They have started sending all correspondence through the aunt so that SM wont step in and delete, throw away, or "lose" them.

At this point I think your DH and his father need to speak on the phone directly...no interruptions or possible interceptions from anyone..& then go from there...I'll keep your family in my prayers for a good resolution

 

[jj1403]

I would let your husband take the lead. If he would have thought it was a wonderful idea I would say go for it. But because he didn't want to pursue it I would let it go. You husband has a life time of disappointment in re: to his dad. It's his call.

 

[scrappingizlife]

I think it's really up to your husband as to what kind of relationship he wants with his Bio Father. It's something that they have to work out on their own.