family what would u do ???

[buzz for boys]

Hi guys
Im hoping my cyber friends will give me an honest opinion on this -
My dh has not spoken to his mom for 6 yrs after when our ds was diagnosied with cancer she ran 300 mph in the opposite direction sedning a mesage thru his brother that she couldnt cope with it !!! As u can imagine we were really mad (dh stood by her thru a really bad divorce to his dad ) and we have thwarted any attempt she has made to get in contact again.
Now my dd is 3 and is asking to meet her grandma - on a dialy basis asking loads of questions and now we are both wondering if its the right thing to get in touch or are we better just ignoring my dd and hoping she will outgrow her desire to meet her grandma!!!
My mother is a definate no go zone !!!

Be honest please x

 

[joolz1910]

Blimey that is a hard one. If she would be a good grandma (apart from in a crisis) I would resume contact for the children's sake. It's awful that you can't count on her when the going gets tough, but does she deserve a second chance? Did you ever clear the air with her? I would have a proviso that if she was going to be in the children's lives, then she was making a commitment to them, through good times and bad. If she couldn't or wouldn't agree to that, then she wasn't going to see them.

 

[Netty]

you need to weigh up the pros and cons here, is she really that bad not to be a part of your kids lives? ok she ran the other way when you needed her, but some people can not cope and thats how they react
she has tried to make amends by trying to be apart of your lives again, which you rejected- maybe it is worth giving it another go? only you know this
I never spoke/or seen my mum for 20 odd yrs(because of the sick man she married)
my kids grew up with out knowing her, they asked questions which i couldnt answer.i now see her, shes now 70
my kids dont know her and wont call her nan, they just say -your mum phoned etc and this does hurt her, but in my situation i had no choice but to alienate her-you have the chance to give it another go and see what happens! sending you

 

[Nubbedy]

As others have said, only you know for sure, but maybe it is worth getting back in touch, especially if your DD is asking. Maybe M-I-L is the type to not cope in an emergency situation, but I'm sure she knows now how much it has upset you, and hopefully will be prepared to give unconditional support to you all in the future.

Whatever you decide, hope things work out for you.

 

[Goofysmate]

Maybe worth a second chance , you never know it could all work out well.
Only you & your Dh can decide on this one for sure.

 

[craigs bride]

this is a hard one ,,
im going through something similiar with my inlaws at the moment im so against them having anything to do with the kids. (dd3 doesnt even ask after them )
sit down with hubby and talk through the pros and cons about letting her back into your lifes then go from there
has she ever told you the reason why she walked the other way. apart from not being able to cope with it .
hope you sort out something for you and the kids xx

 

[snookhams]

Only you and DH really know the answer to this one, and unfortunatley it is a hard decision.

My DH and I did not get on well with MIL when she was alive, basically she walked out on her DH and 7 children when my DH was about 2 (some of his older siblings were married by then or not living at home, he is the youngest next sister is 8 years older). For many years he did not have any contact although she only lived a couple of streets away. He began to have minimal contact when we got engage, and although neither of us were entirely happy with the situation she came to our wedding and gradually we saw more of her once our children were born. He never completley forgave her but without her I would not have my wonderful DH and children. If truth be told and she was not related I would never have liked her but I will admit I tolerated her for my childrens sake, now they are older they know the full situation and although she has since passed away they are able to create their own memories and impressions of her. So I supose what I am saying is without this woman you would not have your DH or even your children, you may not like her or what she did, or even her as a person but she is your childrens Grandmother. Forgiveness I know is hard, I don't think DH ever forgave his Mum although he has in our 22 years of marriage rarely talked about his childhood in great detail, it affected him greatly. Good luck when making your decision, it really is a toughie and I don't envy you.

 

[Cyrano]

I can relate to this although some of the details are different.
Tell DD the truth. If you don't she may think it is you.
I have never wanted the troops to elevate any member of the family to a position they did not deserve Thereafter they can make up their own mind

 

[wifey]

Oh this is a tough one it's really up to you and what you feel comfortable with, your DD is curious about many things it's just her age she's trying to find out in the bigger scheme of things where she fits in life and who she can turn to and depend on in life.
If you think she will understand explain it to her calmly and be sure you tell her that people all cope with things differently in life. some things you can understand and have the strength to face and other things can seem too much but it's okay because she will always have her parents and immediate family around her for support and love. This will reinforce her confidence and let her know that she can always depend on you which is what she needs before she starts school when there will be many things changing in her life for a little while.
If she still wants to meet Gran after this then see what you can do to re-open the communication between you and Gran for her sake and your DH's too I know it's not easy and your MIL probably feels awful about it but it may be best to clear the air and establish a starting point for a better relationship for you all. Good Luck

 

[buzz for boys]

Thanke everyone !!
we keep going round in circles when we discuss it - My main fear is that we let her in and the kids gt to know her and she does another flit when things get hard they are all old enough now for her to mess them about and i dont want to see the kids get hurt !!!
i think im going to go round and speak to her face 2 ace and see what she says and if we can really believe that we can depend on her not to upset the kids - then im open to giving her another chnce but it defo wont be easy !!

 

[Candy30]

I agree with PP. A 2nd chance maybe. I can tell that she hurt you and hubby. I think talking to her would be a good idea and can put you all on the same page. You can gradually let the kids get to know her and go from there. This is truly a hard situation. Keep in mind the kids and do what is best for them (all other feelings aside).

 

[irongirlof12]

hard one. families so complicated. you and Dh could meet her without kids and ask her if she can now accept and love your DS? she is the only one who can answer. I come from a very compicated family, and it is hard sometimes. But if I want them in my life I have to accept them with their warts and all.ask yourself, what you will tolerate and what kind of relations do you want, the odd visit or full on contact?. Also, your MIL is of a different generation and they are often scared by certain words and get frightened.

It would/will be hard to forgive her actions, but only you and DH can decide that.

Most folks only regret the things they don't do.