Family Wedding Advice

[mumom95]

I have a feeling if you go, you'll just be mad the whole time and not enjoy yourself. So I wouldn't go, and I'd be honest. If they ask why you aren't going, say you don't like the idea of leaving your kids at home when other kids their ages were invited. You don't have to be mean about it, just state the truth. If you make up a lie to ease things over, I think your feelings over the whole thing will just fester.

It is their wedding, and they have every right to invite who they want, but like you said, you also have every right not to go.

 

[brymolmom]

I, too am going to disagree with some of the pp's.

First of all - it is the height of rudeness to bring uninvited children OR to call and 'ask' if they were inadvertantly left off the invitation. That puts the bride and groom in a horrible position, and if they WERE invited, it would have indicated as such on the invitation.

You have the option not to attend. Based on your feelings expressed here about this wedding, it does not appear that you want to go - and personally, I would rather have someone not attend and not pay for that plate if they really don't want to be there.

For the people who can't imagine not inviting the kids - I'm guessing here that either you have a LOT of money or very small families (or didn't pay for your wedding). Inviting kids WAY increases the head count - and in a family like mine where immediate family (dh, me, our parents and grandparents, our sibs, their kids) amounts to 45 people alone - and added to that I have 30 first cousins (plus their spouses)...you can see where I'm going. I did not have children at our wedding or we would have had to elope. We did have one person bring a very young child without asking. I do not hold it against them but I did think it was rude behavior on their part. Mostly because I am certain that some of the other guests there who saw the baby thought to themselves 'well, MY baby wasn't invited - I wonder why so and so's was?'.

That being said - if I had some kids that I was VERY close to - I certainly would have invited certain children. If it was something I really wanted to share with specific children, of course - I am allowed to do so.

My main question is not whether or not you are close to the bride, but rather, are your kids? I know that my own mother's cousins kids I wouldn't recognize if I passed them on the street. That is not someone that I would consider inviting.

The only issue here IMO is that you were told incorrect information - no kids is no kids. Maybe the person you asked didn't know OR maybe the mom of those kids called and 'asked' for them to be invited. SOmetimes a call like that is hard to turn down - something like that could have happened.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Are these kids the bride's nieces? If so then I wouldn't be insulted. My Dsis just got married and the only children that were invited were her nieces and nephews. That is usually what most people do as has been my experience. I have gone to weddings (even in Jersey) where the nieces and nephews were invited and no other children. I was not insulted that my kids weren't invited.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I
First of all - it is the height of rudeness to bring uninvited children OR to call and 'ask' if they were inadvertantly left off the invitation. That puts the bride and groom in a horrible position, and if they WERE invited, it would have indicated as such on the invitation.

.

I completely agree. It is awkward to have to tell someone no when it was already obvious. It puts you on the spot and I think it is really wrong. JMHO.

 

[ShesAPirate]

Are these kids the bride's nieces? If so then I wouldn't be insulted.

That's what I'm wondering, too. Maybe these kids are the bride or groom's nieces, and the OPs daughter is a cousin. They might've drawn the line there.

We didn't want kids at our wedding, either. Honestly, it seemed like it would be a nice break for our relatives/friends to have a kid-free evening. However, we didn't want anyone to decline the invitation because they couldn't leave their kids home. So I put a kindly-worded note in the invitation saying just that. It worked out ok - most everyone came without their kids, and the 4 kids that did come were fine.

All that being said, our nieces and nephew WERE invited - regardless of the "no kids" plan. And for the record, our wedding was in Jersey, too.

 

[SeptemberGirl]

The wedding isn't far away, it is about a 1 hours drive, but the wedding doesn't start till 7:00 PM, so it won't end until 2 or 3 AM. It is also a black tie optional affair, very very fancy. We planned on enjoying the open bar, so we were just going to stay overnight at a nearby hotel. Where I then found out that there was going to be a brunch the next morning for the over night guests.

Wow, your family can party! 2am? I'd fall over first!

I would go. Just my opinion, of course. I'd go, I'll probably make my husband go, and we'd get drunk and stay overnight and have fun with the family we liked there. You never see the bride and groom at these big things anyway, and I wouldn't give them a reason to throw it back in your face one day. And, it's a night without your kids, which is a treat for me, personally.

 

[Kimkimba]

Well, I would just not go. If you don't want to go (and I would never go without my husband), just don't go. Take your dh and kiddos and go out to dinner.

From one who has a very complicated family.

 

[AlleyKat]

Go to the (church?)ceremony, give the bride and groom a big hug and kiss as you wish them well, say a cheery "Hello" to your cousin, then make a beeline for the door.

You'll be home in an hour and(sadly) no one will remember if you were at the reception or not.

So your efforts to look beautiful aren't wasted(as well as your expensive perfume), go to an exclusive restaurant with just hubby, ordering their best champagne with dinner.

Over the course of the next day or two, you'll get the lowdown on what you missed, or didn't, via family.

 

[bumbershoot]

I, too am going to disagree with some of the pp's.

First of all - it is the height of rudeness to bring uninvited children OR to call and 'ask' if they were inadvertantly left off the invitation. That puts the bride and groom in a horrible position, and if they WERE invited, it would have indicated as such on the invitation..

Well, now...sometimes the people inviting forget to mention things...my oldest friend and I got engaged at the same time, and originally had our weddings one month apart. My then fiance and I had some problems and had to postpone. When I got the invite for my friend's wedding, it was just for me...I asked my fellow b'maids, but none of them had "and guest" on their invites, and none of them were married, engaged, or even boyfriended at the time, so I was at a loss. I finally just asked the bride, and she said that of course he was invited, she just wasn't sure how to invite him (she wasn't "and guest"ing but was inviting significant others by name, but didn't know his last name or his address). If I hadn't asked, I would have been a lonely chica at the wedding, and she would have been very confused as to why he didn't come!

So there ARE exceptions.

However, in this case, where the "no kids" rules was stated before the OP found out there were at least a couple kids invited, there's no confusion there. For whatever reason, they invited those kids and none other.

If I were in your shoes, I might take DH and DDs to the area, make a weekend of it (even if it's only an hour away), you cut out for a few hours while DH and DDs have a nice little time (swimming, out to dinner, other daddy/daughters bonding things?) and you go to the wedding, then you come back and regale them with stories, and go on with your weekend. Maybe even rent a suite so your sons can come back and stay over, depending on how old they are and what they are actually up to at the wedding, of course.

 

[barkley]

we went to a wedding several years ago that had been 'no kids' from day one. ended up there was one child at the wedding-invited, begrudginly by the bride and groom. reason being was that the mother of the girl was close friend of the mob and raised a royal stink. girl got invited and looked miserable the entire evening-a child at a clearly adult event does not find much fun. went to another friend's wedding some years back and the only kids invited were her dd and the bride's neice and nephew. same story-the kids got incredibly bored, picked at the food and spent the bulk of the nite whining that they wanted to go home (with the exception of the bride's maybe 6'ish dd who found that while she loved being made over by adults-did'nt like it for hours on end, and was escorted out of the reception after she loudly repeated the phrase an uncle had once used in her presence when someone got into his 'face' "f--- off and just leave me alone"

 

[Mouse House Mama]

we went to a wedding several years ago that had been 'no kids' from day one. ended up there was one child at the wedding-invited, begrudginly by the bride and groom. reason being was that the mother of the girl was close friend of the mob and raised a royal stink. girl got invited and looked miserable the entire evening-a child at a clearly adult event does not find much fun. went to another friend's wedding some years back and the only kids invited were her dd and the bride's neice and nephew. same story-the kids got incredibly bored, picked at the food and spent the bulk of the nite whining that they wanted to go home (with the exception of the bride's maybe 6'ish dd who found that while she loved being made over by adults-did'nt like it for hours on end, and was escorted out of the reception after she loudly repeated the phrase an uncle had once used in her presence when someone got into his 'face' "f--- off and just leave me alone"

That is too funny!!!

On another note- our kids were invited to my sister's wedding and my BIL's wedding and they had a ball!!!

 

[JoiseyMom]

The only issue here IMO is that you were told incorrect information - no kids is no kids. Maybe the person you asked didn't know OR maybe the mom of those kids called and 'asked' for them to be invited. SOmetimes a call like that is hard to turn down - something like that could have happened.

I asked the bride's mom, the person planning the entire wedding if kids were to be included in the wedding. She told me no. It was not incorrect information. I was lied to. I guess it was easier for her to tell me that then say, only a few close kids will be coming, and yours are not them.

 

[JoiseyMom]

It's your family; it's your grenade you are throwing at it. Decide how big of an explosion you want to have before it is too late.

No, the point is they lobbed the grenade first. I need to decide if I defuse it, or throw it back.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Are these kids the bride's nieces? If so then I wouldn't be insulted. My Dsis just got married and the only children that were invited were her nieces and nephews. That is usually what most people do as has been my experience. I have gone to weddings (even in Jersey) where the nieces and nephews were invited and no other children. I was not insulted that my kids weren't invited.

The invited children are my nieces. These children have the same cousin familial relationship as my children do.

 

[Stimpy]

I asked the bride's mom, the person planning the entire wedding if kids were to be included in the wedding. She told me no. It was not incorrect information. I was lied to. I guess it was easier for her to tell me that then say, only a few close kids will be coming, and yours are not them.

I think brymolmom might have meant that someone asked if those kids could come after they already told you no kids. The bride/mother of the bride probably felt put on the spot and felt they had to say ok. I'm not saying it's fair or nice to you but it may not have been a bold faced lie either.

It really sounds like there are more issues with your family that you have been dealing with. It would be a shame to miss spending time with your older sons but it doesn't sound like you would enjoy yourself anyway. I probably would decline if I felt as strongly about this as you seem to.

Personally, I prefer not to take my kids to weddings, especially late night ones. Everytime I receive an invitation and just see my and my husband's names I'm relieved But I can understand how it is more than children being invited vs not being invited in your case....it sounds more complicated.

 

[cymomtx]

Your talking about two separate events, the bridal shower and the wedding. You were told that the wedding was a "no kids" function, but the shower could be totaly different. Those two nieces could of been invited to the shower or not, but I would not base attending the wedding on the shower. If the girls were not invited to the shower I would hope that it was highly stressed to the parents to not make the mistake for the wedding. Go have fun and show them who is the bigger adult!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Your talking about two separate events, the bridal shower and the wedding. You were told that the wedding was a "no kids" function, but the shower could be totaly different. Those two nieces could of been invited to the shower or not, but I would not base attending the wedding on the shower. If the girls were not invited to the shower I would hope that it was highly stressed to the parents to not make the mistake for the wedding. Go have fun and show them who is the bigger adult!

I understand they are 2 separate events. But I know how my family works. I also know for a fact that my DN's are invited to this wedding. My eldest son told me yes they are. He is upset that I don't want to go, cause he feels he is gonna take the flak for it at the wedding. I told him there shouldn't be any flak at the wedding because they will know long before hand that I am not going to go, so the flak will come before that. It will come when I send in the RSVP card.

And to a previous poster, I will spend time with my sons, the eldest lives with me (oy), and the one coming in from CA will be staying in my home, in the spare room, so I will get to spend time with him, which is why I will not go away for that entire weekend. But I am going to see what I can plan for that Sat thru Sunday though.

When I figure in the cost of the hotel, the hairdresser, the wedding gift, maybe we will go to GreyWolfs Lodge for the 2 days .

 

[Frantasmic]

You've hinted at all sorts of workings in your family; could you share that with us?

What is the reason you think/know your children weren't invited to the wedding?

Are your younger children steps, or perennial non-favorites? Are the DNs who are going children of a favored family member? You've hinted that your family members have somehow excluded your two younger children in events before. What is the rationale for that?

 

[suffolkprincess]

is there a reason that they would not want to include your younger two? Has one of them in the past shown a tendency to be (typical, exuberant, probably age-appropriate) loud or draw attention to themselves? There was a HUGE row in our family (not the Jersey side, but the Alabama side) because my daughter got invited to a wedding when a cousin's little boys did not. Same relationship to the bridal couple, but they knew the boys and felt that they would rather not have them there with what they had previously seen to be disruptive behavior. They included my daughter because they thought she was so sweet and quiet etc. (And had been when they met her at 18 months... at this point, a year later-- she was hardly the model child to take to a wedding!) This was very wrong and they should not have done it that way. We ended up not going anyway because it was a destination wedding and too expensive. But I always thought it would have been sweet justice to have taken my daughter because she would have definitely kicked up a fuss at some point during the proceedings.

I am also wondering if this is one of those things were someone in your family is a squeaky wheel and they get greased when you get looked over. In other words, you do things the right way (ask nicely and when told the kids are not invited, accept it) whereas the other relative complained about her kids not being invited and pushed the point and got "rewarded" for it. And I can see where that would make you angry. They should have certainly extended the invite to your kids once they broke the No Kids rule, but there might well be extenuating circumstances re: head count etc that prevented them. They *are* taking advantage of your general good will and acceptance of things and may have past experience of you going along to get along which they are taking advantage of. It sucks-- I am that person in my family, too, and it annoys the CRAP out of me but the only time I get REALLY mad is when it shortchanges my child. So I get it. I just try to think that someday my good manners and easygoing approach WILL be their own reward. Everyone really does know who is difficult and who isn't and while the difficult seem to be rewarded for their obstreperousness, we all know that in the end-- they aren't.

If there was a bad behavior incident in the past that you think has resulted in your daughters being slighted then I would definitely, after the wedding, straighten that out with the bride's mother. Children should not be made to pay for what might have been age appropriate misbehavior once they have grown into a new stage. They deserve a chance.

 

[katieandemismom]

We had two weddings like this last year. The first was my cousin's (who was in our wedding). We were told very formal - no kids at all. It was a 4 hour drive, and we got a sitter half-way away to leave the kids with. When we got to the wedding, there were kids coming out the ears. Everyone else's kids were there - just not mine or my sister's. I'm guessing they didn't want my sister's who are not well behaved so mine couldn't be invited either. It didn't bother me so much that the girls weren't invited, but that we were expressly told no kids and then they were there. It made me feel like they had to lie to us or else we wouldn't come.

The second wedding was two months later. It was dh's cousin. She and her now-hubby only invited kids from out-of-town. Well.....that would be us (we are 3 hours away from there), but again, ours weren't invited probably b/c they didn't want to invited dh's sis's kids who were local. So....I didn't go - just dh did. His aunt and cousin are still mad, but I refuse to leave my kids with a sitter 3 hours away. The way I look at it is they made their choice (which they had the right to do - no question), and I made mine.

Good luck! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and I understand that it makes you feel like there's something wrong with your kids or how you've raised them. Do what you're going to feel comfortable with.