Family Visits, Common Sense, & Manipulative Inlaws

[va32h]

My MIL came to visit us for Thanksgiving, and commented that she has been buying a collection of Hummel Christmas ornaments, one per month, but that she'd "never put up a tree, of course, until you come for Christmas." Poor MIL - deprived of a Christmas tree because her mean DIL refuses to come to her house for Christmas!

But these are the facts: we live in Texas, MIL lives in Chicago. We have three children, ranging in age from 2 to 10. MIL lives in a small two bedroom apartment, at the top of a narrow, steep staircase, and only her bedroom is furnished. The other room is a storage area. She does have a very small, thin, pull-out couch. Her kitchen is tiny, and she hates to cook, so she eats out most every night.

We have visited her before, in the fall and spring. And each time it was logistically a nightmare. Finding places for all of us to comfortably sleep, keeping small children happy in a confined area, taking small children out to eat for every single meal. I can't imagine how difficult it would be in Winter, when we couldn't even go outside to play. We would not be able to afford to stay in a hotel.

So is it really so unreasonable to say "there are five of us and one of you. We have a guest room for you to sleep in, you have a floor for us to sleep on. Why don't you just come here instead?"

Then there's my SIL. "you've never even seen your nephew!", (he's 2). Well, she's never seen our youngest, also age 2. And she last saw our other children five years ago. Family of three traveling vs. family of five - and I won't even get into the issue of which family has more disposable income to be jetting off to different states for a family visit.

My inlaws argue that we always spend more time with MY family - well that is because MY family comes to visit US! My mother, father, and sisters have come to visit several times. Any of our relatives are welcome.

It just seems like common sense to me that the family with the largest number of children should not be expected to do all the traveling. I am tired of the whining - "you never come to see us" when I am pretty sure that the planes that would take us there would also bring them here.

Please tell me I am not alone in this.

 

[Queen Quinnella]

You are not alone!
My il's expect us to travel all over the state of TX for Christmas. But will they come to our house? No way! Just makes Christmas even more stressful.

 

[barbeml]

Oh do I ever feel your pain.

2 years ago, my father and his wife moved from NJ (where they had established careers, high-paying jobs, a lovely home and ALL their family & friends including one and only grandson, 5) to VA.

As I helped my stepmother pack their 100 gazillion items, I talked turkey with her about expectations for the holidays. I said it was their decision to move away from the family and they could not expect us to visit for holidays. She was fine with that (DB and I know she never liked us), but this year DD is already trying to lay the guilt groundwork for next year, and she has made caustic remarks about how they are coming up AFTER Christmas and planning a 70th b-day party in NJ so that we won't be "burdened."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Unless we can afford to stay in a hotel, we don't go. Solves most issues, not all but hey it works for us!

We are going from TX to MO and staying in a hotel for Christmas. Looking forward to it. No cooking, cleaning, nothing. Just visiting and eating.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I feel your pain! I was really fortunate this past Thanksgiving, though. Let me set the stage for you: I'm 20-something weeks pregnant with #4, the other kids are 10, 8, and 2. MIL has a large house, but is very controlling. She gets mad because DH and I push the twin beds together. She doesn't want the kids touching anything, doesn't like noise, tries to regulate who eats what, when, I could go on and on. She invites 10 of us (BIL, wife and three kids as well), then literally locks one bathroom door so all 10 are using the one remianing--this sort of thing. Well, DH finally, finally snapped, and said, "That does it! We're waking the baby and leaving NOW, and we're not coming back next year!" I have been waiting 20 YEARS for this! Don't know what we'll do next year for Thanksgiving, but we're not going to MIL's house!

Of course, she'll visit us for Christmas--she's welcome any time, she has the means and time to travel, plus of course, there's just her. We still have to survive a weekend at my sister's (with her 14 cats and 2 dogs and pack rat filled house--ugh!), but at least there, we feel welcome, even if we sleep on the floor (in nicer weather, I sleep in the tent--seriously!).

 

[akhenaten]

I feel you pain..it does not have to involve distance either...

My DH family... is a holiday thorn...

we are the ones with 3 kids and the only ones who santa visits...but his family insisted on only getting together on Christmas eve and it had to be the italian fish dinner (which my family does not eat) we tried lots of different options..now we just don't see them....and to them if it is not christmas eve it is never........
and they only live 20 minutes from us........

there are lots of horror stories....a christmas poem giving gifts that did not even include my DS....
and a gift giving game gone horribly wrong........

now I just say...sorry we don't go out on christmas eve....and we only see them if I plan a party on another day during the christmas season....

Sad...but some folks just can not be pleased......

 

[Christine]

I'm with you on this one. I avoid traveling with my family at all costs. It is not enjoyable for me to stay at others' homes.

Now, I don't know your specific situation but a lot of people have the mindset that "if you moved away, YOU are the one that needs to come home to visit."

Is that your case? Did you guys (or your DH) move from Chicago?

 

[eeyore kelly]

I live 10 minutes from my inlaws and I don't see them on christmas eve. One christmas ruined was enough to teach me.

I wouldn't travel to sleep on a floor. No way.

 

[va32h]

Is that your case? Did you guys (or your DH) move from Chicago?

Well, DH did. Ten years before he even met me! I understand the idea of "going home for Christmas" - when I was little, we always went to my grandmother's house. But that was also the family homestead - the house where my mom grew up.

If my MIL lived in DH's childhood home, I would understand the sentimentality of wanting to go back there. I don't see what is so sentimental about going back to the apartment your mom has lived in for the last few years.

Of course they always bring up that we have, in fact, visited my family at Christmas. Twice in ten years. Once, when we had only two children, we drove out there, and the second time last year, when DH was deployed in Iraq and my siblings chipped in to buy us plane tickets.

When MIL made that comment about not having a Christmas tree until we came to see her, I just rolled my eyes and thought "then you'll never have another tree, lady."

 

[akhenaten]

I live 10 minutes from my inlaws and I don't see them on christmas eve. One christmas ruined was enough to teach me.

I wouldn't travel to sleep on a floor. No way.

I applaud you for being a fast learner... we tried and tried and tried and after so many bad experiences and things said and bad feelings ..we ended up in the same place!! not seeing them........

 

[mickeyfan2]

Tell her to pack her ornaments and there will be a tree in the guest room for her to decorate.

 

[akhenaten]

Tell her to pack her ornaments and there will be a tree in the guest room for her to decorate.

Very good.....i like it....

 

[sharbear]

My mom moved 8 hours from us. She only comes to see us when she has other people to visit besides us. We know no one where she lives and I have 2 kids in HS. (jobs, school, and a very busy EC's) Of course we never come to see her.

She always complains that we visit my IL's more than her. They live 2.5 hours away. They come to visit just us. Sometimes we go to visit my BIL's vacation home, it's a million $ home on a lake with all the toys, we take my IL's up there.

I swear I never win. One year we told my mom we were going to visit her right after X-mas, she was mad because that wasn't what she wanted. It was miserable.

 

[Beth76]

My MIL is the same way. Only they live 4 hours away. They never come here. But, we have to go visit them with two small children and stay at their house which is not at all child-friendly. When we get there, they don't even talk to us. Seriously, the last time we went, they weren't even home. We waited 3 hours for them to come home and we were on our way out the door when they got home. Oh and the kicker....they always tell us "come back when you can stay longer." Aaaahhhh! If I have to stay any longer I will kill myself!

 

[Skylarr29]

I'm so glad I dont have any inlaws LOL

 

[Cindy's Mom]

When MIL made that comment about not having a Christmas tree until we came to see her, I just rolled my eyes and thought "then you'll never have another tree, lady."

LOVE IT!!!

 

[binny]

no youre not alone. My Uncle actually told my dad once, " But its so FAR to your house!"


Yeah, were the biggest family. We go to Seattle ( 6 hour drive) at least once a year to visit to my brother ( no big deal we love it) but they have never been here. We go see my other brother often ( of course he lives near my mom so we kill two birds in one trip) but theyve never come here and its just the two of them. BTW weve been here 8 years. We arent planning on leaving any time soon.



yeah it stinks. You just live so much further away! LOL

 

[bride03]

My Dh and I both have parents who are divorced and re-married. HOW FUN! We have a great time with everyone except my MIL. We don't do Christmas with her at all anymore but I got so tired of her always hanging all over my DH. It was sick! Mind you, he is only 21 as of now...but STILL!!! I always hated going to her place because it was always a huge hassle to cook and clean and everything else.

I, like I've seen some say, hate staying at other people's houses. Especially now that we have an energetic boston terrier pup running around everytime we go stay with someone. I guess people's advice about dogs are the same about kids but not as frequent. Everyone thinks they know how to train the dog and how he should be acting.

 

[inaminute]

My MIL came to visit us for Thanksgiving, and commented that she has been buying a collection of Hummel Christmas ornaments, one per month, but that she'd "never put up a tree, of course, until you come for Christmas." Poor MIL - deprived of a Christmas tree because her mean DIL refuses to come to her house for Christmas!

She may have meant that she's not putting up a tree unless she has to. To be perfectly honest, if it weren't for my Grandson, I woudn't bother putting up a tree either. Nor would I decorate. I'd let someone else have the "fun."

I'd still collect ornaments because I like them, but they wouldn't see a tree until I had to do the traditional Christmas show. She's probably just as happy that you aren't going to be there. Having guests--especially young children--is a lot of work, and expensive. Just because in-laws say "Oh, you never come visit"doesn't mean they really want you to. Sometimes they're just being polite so as not to hurt their children's feelings.

 

[va32h]

She may have meant that she's not putting up a tree unless she has to. To be perfectly honest, if it weren't for my Grandson, I woudn't bother putting up a tree either. Nor would I decorate. I'd let someone else have the "fun."

Trust me, my MIL loves to play the martyr. She was definitely trying to guilt us into coming. She starts the "come visit me for Christmas" whine in May.

Just because in-laws say "Oh, you never come visit"doesn't mean they really want you to.

Well, I do think she does want us to visit, but she always has an elaborate fantasy of what the visit will be, that never turns out the way she wants. Her idea of Christmas in Chicago would be skating on State St. and looking at all the fancy window displays in the stores and tea at the American Girl store and Christmas dinner in some restaurant we couldn't afford. And cold, bored, crabby children who just want plain mashed potatoes, not some gourmet dish just don't fit into that fantasy.