Family Photo Problems...Advice Welcome!

[Chattyaholic]

DS was married, now divorced and "living with" a girl. We like her a lot, that's not the problem. Apparently she would like a new family photo to be taken as the last one we had done was about 8 years ago. It was taken because my MIL had ALS and we all wanted one more nice family photo. Our DS and his wife and their daughter are in the photo. We have a copy of this photo on our family room wall, above our piano. Apparently DS's girlfriend would like it to come down, thus her idea for a "new" family photo.

I guess my feeling is that I'm really not ready to take down the old family photo, especially since it's the last one with my in-laws included. And I feel that since DS hasn't married the new girlfriend I really don't HAVE to take it down. I don't mind having the new family photo taken (we plan to include my parents this time) and I will be happy to put it up in the family room, on a different wall than the other one.

What I'm asking is, do you feel that I SHOULD take the "old" family photo down or is it my right to leave it up until I WANT to take it down, and to tell the truth that day may NEVER come, even if DS does marry this girl. The old family photo WAS our family AT THAT TIME, nothing will change that. DH's parents, his sisters and their families and our children are in that photo and even though our former DIL is in the picture too, she IS the mother of our grandchildren and I will always have a special place in my heart for her. I feel that my heart is big enough to care for both, the former daughter-in-law AND DS's new girlfriend. They have been together for over a year now and at one time they mentioned getting married this summer, but it's August and still nothing, so I don't know....

But I would love your opinions on what I should do about the photo, thanks!!

 

[mrsv98]

IMHO, if they are not married then she has no "right" to ask you to take it down. Actually, I think she has a lot of gall making that request in the first place. The photo isn't in your DS's home, it is in your's and you should have it up especially if it is irreplacable. If and only if, they get married, would I consider having a new family picture taken. Also, how would your DGS feel if the picture with his mother in it disappears? I tihk she needs to look at the "big picture", no pun intended!

 

[Ranatra]

No, I don't feel like you should take it down.
It's your photo, it's your house and you can put up on your wall any photo you want. She's a big girl, she knows he has a past and that it includes an ex wife. She'll just have to learn to deal with that. And if she can't, that's her problem not yours.
If she expects you to take it down, she's out of line.
If you want to keep that photo on the wall, you go right ahead.

I don't think I'd do a new Family Photo until those two were married. It could be a big expense, they could break up, and you could have the same problem all over again with the next girlfriend.

 

[Tinkbell]

Wow! Even if they were married, she has no business telling you take it down or take a new family photo. Like you said, that was the last photo of your inlaws together and that is a photo to cherish. If you want to take a new photo, that's fine, but don't take down the old picture. Besides, it's in your house!

 

[RitaZ.]

But I would love your opinions on what I should do about the photo, thanks!!

Leave it exactly where it is!

 

[Rajah]

Nope, you don't need to take it down. Even if she were married to your DS, you wouldn't have to take it down. I do think it would be nice of you to add a picture with her *to* your collection, but not *replace* any from the collection.

 

[Chattyaholic]

I wanted to clarify, she didn't ask me to take it down. DS said it "bothers her" that it is still up.

I'm not real excited about having this photo taken, since they're not married. But yet, they could be and still end up divorced....so, I don't know.

They want to do it for our anniversary in September. They want to park the combine next to a corn field and have the grandkids stand on the steps and the rest of us beside/around it. Would be an unusual photo, one taken on the farm, so it would be nice, and nice to have my parents in it too....so I guess I just have mixed feelings about it...

 

[KathyTX]

Chatty,

I think you're on the right track----

Family photos document a family's history. A new photo won't replace an old photo- it just shows the same family at a different time, perhaps with some different family members.

It sounds like the new girlfriend wants to "belong". Maybe you could suggest having a nice photo of your DS and his girlfriend taken, and you could add this to your collection of family photos. If DS and his GF do ever get married, that would provide a wonderful opportunity to take a large family photo to commemorate her inclusion in the family.

But this would not mean that she's replaced your former DIL, and it doesn't mean you need to retire the earlier photo by any means.

 

[married2grumpy]

I don't think you should take it down if your not ready to. I have a close relationship with my inlaws and would hope that they would not want to remove me from their hearts in the event of a divorce.

If your DS does remarry, a new family photo might be appropriate. That is the only time I would consider taking it down to replace it. As you mentioned, she is the mother of your grandchildren.

I would not include DS's girlfriend in the new photo until they are marries.I personally do not like when boyfriends/girlfriends are in family photos. At my wedding I told my future SIL that I didn't want her boyfriend at that time to be in any of the family photos. She was a little miffed because they had been dating a while but she respected my wishes. They broke up a few months later. Now my SIL and I can look at these pictures with my new BIL without having to look at her ex.

If it wouldn't cause to much of a problem, how about a true family photo with just your family, DS and grandchildren without any significant others.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

I think you should leave it where you want it .
I have family pictures that have my ex husband in them . We shared 13 years together and have 2 kids, I also have pictures of my husband and my kids alone and then some of us a family. Strange part is when we had them made my ex asked me to send some to his house so the kids could have them up when they came " home" to his place to visit. That is a little strange my ex husband has a picture of his kids with my husband . God Bless him for trying though !

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sounds like you are in a pickle. I think I would just get the photo taken with her in it. Afterall if they do marry this may begin something difficult with your ds, right?

On the same note I would not take the other photo down and wouldn't even bring it up unless they asked.

Good Luck!

 

[lulugirl]

I agree w/ most of the above posts, leave the picture up! The girlfriend has some growing up to do! I also wouldn't take a new family picture until they get married.
I give you a lot of credit for being so patient and sensitive to DS and girlfriends feelings!

 

[disykat]

I have a different opinion. I'm basing it on the assumption that she is considered a family member - not just a pass through girlfriend.

I can see why the photo would bother her - I don't really get why people think it shouldn't. That doesn't mean you have to take it down. Please remember that she wasn't the one who told you that and she might be horrified if she found out your son shared that with you. She certainly has a right to her feelings - I think it's pretty normal to remove prominent pictures of the ex. You, however have the right to choose what you have on your walls. It may be an expensive choice though, in terms of your relationship with her. If they give you a new picture I'd consider putting it in the place of honor and moving the other picture to a less prominent location.

My dh doesn't have an ex - I'm just trying to picture how I would feel if my inlaws (who can't stand me) had pictures of her on their wall. I'm wondering if she doesn't feel accepted by your family and that's really what this is all about.

While I would not choose to do a family photo including "unofficial" family members - I don't really see what the problem is if they are getting it for you as a gift.