Family is making me crazy!

[kyra's mommy]

We are all headed to Disneyland in July to sort of celebrate my 40th birthday. I say sort of because we actually took a Disney cruise in April to celebrate. We asked my bil and sil to come but they said no because they couldn't afford it ( I got an amazing $2300 rate for a 7 day). So, my dh felt bad and tried to plan a second trip with his family to celebrate my 40th and to see one another since they live in different parts of the country.

So, I need to get to the point. My bil and sil were going to not go again on this trip because they said they didn't have the money. This is about the 5th trip they have declined to go on because of money. They do however, live in a 600k home and just purchased $5k in organic mattresses for their family. All that aside, I totally understand if they can't afford it. I can afford to travel but I still have the most old fashioned tv. We all spend our money how we choose. However, my dh was upset and he talked to his brother and let him know he was sad they weren't coming and his brother changed his mind. They have now decided to charge it. When they were initially going to come on this trip it had to be seriously budgeted. I spent hours trying to find cheap flights, ticket offers, and hotels. Once they said they were officially not coming we went ahead and "Pricelined" our hotel. We got a 3 Star in Laguna Hills for $63 a night. We thought my husband's other brother was going to stay there as well because he said he needed a really affordable hotel. So, very long story short... and you are a saint if you are actually still reading this.... everyone is coming on the trip now but they are all going to stay at the Anaheim Sheraton. All of them, both bil's and their kids, and my husband's parents. We are going to be 25 minutes away in Laguna Hills. We can't change our hotel at this point. Plus, this was not an entirely Disneyland vacation. We were supposed to do the beach a couple days, a couple days at Disney and then Hollywood and Universal Studios. So, I'm frustrated that my bil and sil have chosen such an expensive hotel and one that we can't change to when they are coming to celebrate my 40th.

The same thing happened last year when we went to Disney World for my dh's 40th. We booked the Omni ( which was AMAZING ) and it was Pricelined so we were obligated. After we were committed they chose to stay at the Swan which my in laws followed right along and did as well.

It just seems like they always cry that they can't afford a trip but then when they come they spend like crazy. No budgeting.

I'm not exactly sure why this annoys me so much. I think some of it's jealousy, which I should be ashamed of because we are constantly traveling. Some of it makes me feel like they are trying to control the trips, and some of it feels like they are competing to always stay somewhere nicer then we do. I don't know. I feel like an idiot that this is bugging me so much but it really, really does.

Any armchair psychologist want to shrink my head and figure out why I'm being so petty?

 

[Painted Purple]

I have had a vacation before that I felt was almost ruined because I let the things my family (extended family) did really get to me. I had to make a point to say, "OK, they will do what they do, and we will do what we do and hopefully we can meet in the middle. If not, we're still going to choose to have a good time."
Even though you are far away from them, hotel-wise, you also got a great deal which means you have more money to spend on entertainment!

 

[blackjackdelta]

We are all headed to Disneyland in July to sort of celebrate my 40th birthday. I say sort of because we actually took a Disney cruise in April to celebrate. We asked my bil and sil to come but they said no because they couldn't afford it ( I got an amazing $2300 rate for a 7 day). So, my dh felt bad and tried to plan a second trip with his family to celebrate my 40th and to see one another since they live in different parts of the country.

So, I need to get to the point. My bil and sil were going to not go again on this trip because they said they didn't have the money. This is about the 5th trip they have declined to go on because of money. They do however, live in a 600k home and just purchased $5k in organic mattresses for their family. All that aside, I totally understand if they can't afford it. I can afford to travel but I still have the most old fashioned tv. We all spend our money how we choose. However, my dh was upset and he talked to his brother and let him know he was sad they weren't coming and his brother changed his mind. They have now decided to charge it. When they were initially going to come on this trip it had to be seriously budgeted. I spent hours trying to find cheap flights, ticket offers, and hotels. Once they said they were officially not coming we went ahead and "Pricelined" our hotel. We got a 3 Star in Laguna Hills for $63 a night. We thought my husband's other brother was going to stay there as well because he said he needed a really affordable hotel. So, very long story short... and you are a saint if you are actually still reading this.... everyone is coming on the trip now but they are all going to stay at the Anaheim Sheraton. All of them, both bil's and their kids, and my husband's parents. We are going to be 25 minutes away in Laguna Hills. We can't change our hotel at this point. Plus, this was not an entirely Disneyland vacation. We were supposed to do the beach a couple days, a couple days at Disney and then Hollywood and Universal Studios. So, I'm frustrated that my bil and sil have chosen such an expensive hotel and one that we can't change to when they are coming to celebrate my 40th.

The same thing happened last year when we went to Disney World for my dh's 40th. We booked the Omni ( which was AMAZING ) and it was Pricelined so we were obligated. After we were committed they chose to stay at the Swan which my in laws followed right along and did as well.

It just seems like they always cry that they can't afford a trip but then when they come they spend like crazy. No budgeting.

I'm not exactly sure why this annoys me so much. I think some of it's jealousy, which I should be ashamed of because we are constantly traveling. Some of it makes me feel like they are trying to control the trips, and some of it feels like they are competing to always stay somewhere nicer then we do. I don't know. I feel like an idiot that this is bugging me so much but it really, really does.

Any armchair psychologist want to shrink my head and figure out why I'm being so petty?

I have learned over time to accept the things I can not change and I am not quite sure based upon what you said why would you even invite them??
Just do not ask again and go on with your lfe and have fun.

Jack

 

[arthur06]

You might be going crazy now, but when you are there and have a buffer from them, you will be loving it! I know I would be!

 

[Argento]

It just seems like they always cry that they can't afford a trip but then when they come they spend like crazy. No budgeting.

Not sure if this helps but I am similar in that, for 50 weeks a year, literally everything is far too expensive to consider and I tow a budget line with the ferocity of a lion guarding his pride. However, come vacation time, money is the last thing on my mind...I take a vacation from all of the stresses, including my penny pinching, miserly ways.

 

[lwilkison]

The only thing I come up with is this: FAMILY...you can't chose them...but you have them...most of the time I LOVE THEM! Some times I just walk away! lol

Enjoy your trip the best you can...they made it this time!

 

[lcasa]

Wow. I know what you mean - big family trips are impossible to coordinate - quite frankly I even do better on the trips I take with my son and granddaughter when I'm totally in charge and can bargain hunt (and priceline) to my heart's content - even my DH can make things difficult because he doesn't want to plan far enough ahead or not know the hotel/car he's getting ( funny - when we got married we took a flight to Italy and had 0 reservations). We're trying to plan a trip to Orlando right after Christmas (inlaws live there now) and I've gone ahead and booked my and my son's flights using miles - DH doesn't know yet how much time he wants to take off.

Maybe you can use your location as an excuse to have a day or 2 away from them even - my father-in-law lives in Laguna Niguel and it's a lovely area - Laguna Hills even closer to the beach. It's YOUR 40th- you should be able to say 'I want to do X today, would you care to join us?' and if they say no you offered nicely - there shouldn't be any hard feelings. Good luck and have a great time!

 

[tinkermomma]

K, here's my best armchair psychoanalysis for you...

You should not spend time worrying about how they spend their money but instead be proud of yourself for saving your own for the things that make you smile.

If their home and their mattress are priorities, great! If yours is travel, fantastic! You'll drive yourself insane worrying about how others spend or mismanage their money. Concentrate on doing what makes YOU happy and try your best to ignore the rest. Life is too short.

Happy 40th!!! Enjoy it!

 

[Crazy4Disney06]

Sounds to me from your post you might be glad to be 25 miles away from them by the end of each day!

 

[bakerudall]

Since you already made all your plans before they changed their mind, I would stick to your original plan and see the beach and other sites as you wanted to. Just tell them which days you are going to be in the parks, and if they want to meet up with you for a bunch of rides or meals, that's great! Otherwise, they can figure out what they want to do with their time.

Also, the reason they always can't afford to travel is because they can't. They sound like people that waste a lot of money on unimportant things ($5k organic mattresses and such). They probably make a lot of money, spend a little more than that, and then shell out a lot in interest every year.

All that being said, they are still your family, so make the most of it and have fun with them when it's possible.

 

[Carrie in AZ]

I am sorry they are driving you nuts.

My opinion is there is a lot going on here besides the money/hotel issue. Maybe they just plain do not want to vacation with you and are saying they can't afford it as a way to try and get out of it. Maybe BIL wants to participate but his wife doesn't or vice versa. I'm not trying to be harsh or rude. Maybe they would prefer to save their vacation days for trips for just the two of them or with their kids alone. DH and I do not wish to ever travel with anyone else -- family or otherwise. And, I'll be honest again, going on a trip for someone in our family celebrating their 40th bday just wouldn't be a high priority of ours. Especially if that family member already did a big trip to celebrate.

So, maybe they truly don't want to do these trips, but then feel guilty or they give it a second thought and think to themselves "maybe this would be fun" and then turn around and end up going and booking it in a way that would be pleasing to them (nicer hotel). DH and I always say we are going to do a very budgeted, cost conscience trip to DL but then the reality of staying at less expensive hotels hits us and we just can't pull the trigger. We can't help it, we like on-site and full service resorts.

None of what I've said about BIL and SIL could be true, it's just something that I feel could be happening. Planning a trip that will please so many people is very difficult. I've read it on these boards many times. What is most important is this is a trip to celebrate YOU, and you should do everything you want to do and try hard to not let anyone else bother you.

Happy 40th!

 

[Crazy4Disney06]

I am sorry they are driving you nuts.

My opinion is there is a lot going on here besides the money/hotel issue. Maybe they just plain do not want to vacation with you and are saying they can't afford it as a way to try and get out of it. Maybe BIL wants to participate but his wife doesn't or vice versa. I'm not trying to be harsh or rude. Maybe they would prefer to save their vacation days for trips for just the two of them or with their kids alone. DH and I do not wish to ever travel with anyone else -- family or otherwise. And, I'll be honest again, going on a trip for someone in our family celebrating their 40th bday just wouldn't be a high priority of ours. Especially if that family member already did a big trip to celebrate.

So, maybe they truly don't want to do these trips, but then feel guilty or they give it a second thought and think to themselves "maybe this would be fun" and then turn around and end up going and booking it in a way that would be pleasing to them (nicer hotel). DH and I always say we are going to do a very budgeted, cost conscience trip to DL but then the reality of staying at less expensive hotels hits us and we just can't pull the trigger. We can't help it, we like on-site and full service resorts.

None of what I've said about BIL and SIL could be true, it's just something that I feel could be happening. Planning a trip that will please so many people is very difficult. I've read it on these boards many times. What is most important is this is a trip to celebrate YOU, and you should do everything you want to do and try hard to not let anyone else bother you.

Happy 40th!

Fantastic post!

 

[CurlyGirlyGirl]

Your relatives have the right to spend their money however they choose. I'm sorry that you pricelined and got stuck, but that's the risk you run when bidding on those sites.

I'm not quite sure why you keep inviting them to do things when they don't seem interested. I don't know you or them, but some people also have to budget their vacation time as they only get a certain amount of time each week.

 

[kyra's mommy]

I know it may seem like they don't want to travel with us but I promise that's not the case. If we don't invite them and they hear we are traveling they will automatically say they want to come. I think it's just a flakey thing. They did this for awhile with moving to where we live. They'd be all in, asking me to send them pictures of my neighborhood, and comps, sales, etc. They'd say they have to have basically the best house in the neighborhood, but that they absolutely will only live in this neighborhood if they move to our state. They'd be like we are moving there for sure, and I'd do all this work to get them info. and I'd truly think they are serious and then they'd just say something like "we're going to finish the basement" and then I'd realize they never really meant it.

Anyway, none of it really matters. I'm being a brat. It is their money and they have the right to spend it anyway they choose. Not to mention, they have some amazing qualities, things I really love about them and so I just need to figure out that they will always do this and it's really no big deal.

I do however really appreciate the support and understanding of some of you. Thanks.

 

[3Minnies1Mickey]

I know it may seem like they don't want to travel with us but I promise that's not the case. If we don't invite them and they hear we are traveling they will automatically say they want to come. I think it's just a flakey thing. They did this for awhile with moving to where we live. They'd be all in, asking me to send them pictures of my neighborhood, and comps, sales, etc. They'd say they have to have basically the best house in the neighborhood, but that they absolutely will only live in this neighborhood if they move to our state. They'd be like we are moving there for sure, and I'd do all this work to get them info. and I'd truly think they are serious and then they'd just say something like "we're going to finish the basement" and then I'd realize they never really meant it.

Anyway, none of it really matters. I'm being a brat. It is their money and they have the right to spend it anyway they choose. Not to mention, they have some amazing qualities, things I really love about them and so I just need to figure out that they will always do this and it's really no big deal.

I do however really appreciate the support and understanding of some of you. Thanks.

I totally get your frustration and need to vent. I adore my in laws too....even if they do some of the same things yours do.

 

[Carrie in AZ]

They did this for awhile with moving to where we live. They'd be all in, asking me to send them pictures of my neighborhood, and comps, sales, etc. They'd say they have to have basically the best house in the neighborhood, but that they absolutely will only live in this neighborhood if they move to our state. They'd be like we are moving there for sure, and I'd do all this work to get them info. and I'd truly think they are serious and then they'd just say something like "we're going to finish the basement" and then I'd realize they never really meant it.

This would drive me absolutely bonkers. It sounds like they are people who "want it all, want to do it all" but that's not possible for most. Their thoughts and intentions are scattered. Very frustrating.

Again, I hope this trip is fun for YOU!

 

[rramstad]

Sometimes this sort of thing has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING other than the logistics.

I recently put together a trip to DL for my family and we invited my mom.

I found myself getting rather frustrated with the whole thing pretty early in the process, but realized, after reflection, that no one was being particularly difficult or ornery, it was just a matter of trying to coordinate a trip between three adults, all of whom have opinions, only some of whom have been to DL, and also trying to keep in mind the three kids that are coming along as well.

It's just difficult, period, and so if you find it difficult, well, you are in the same reality as the rest of us LOL

It's also absolutely true that everyone has different filters in terms of what they think is "worth spending money on" i.e. there are many who look at a hotel as being just a place to sleep when they aren't in the parks, but there are also many who want something a bit more luxurious and a bit more comfortable as they might actually spend some time at the hotel. That's a huge difference to a veteran DL, and both approaches are entirely valid, they are just different.

I'd go ahead and have the vacation YOU planned, doing things the way YOU want to do them, and just let them know what YOU are thinking and planning. If they want to join YOU, great, if they would rather do something else, don't stress about it, it's not worth it.

 

[kyra's mommy]

Sometimes this sort of thing has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING other than the logistics.

I recently put together a trip to DL for my family and we invited my mom.

I found myself getting rather frustrated with the whole thing pretty early in the process, but realized, after reflection, that no one was being particularly difficult or ornery, it was just a matter of trying to coordinate a trip between three adults, all of whom have opinions, only some of whom have been to DL, and also trying to keep in mind the three kids that are coming along as well.

It's just difficult, period, and so if you find it difficult, well, you are in the same reality as the rest of us LOL

It's also absolutely true that everyone has different filters in terms of what they think is "worth spending money on" i.e. there are many who look at a hotel as being just a place to sleep when they aren't in the parks, but there are also many who want something a bit more luxurious and a bit more comfortable as they might actually spend some time at the hotel. That's a huge difference to a veteran DL, and both approaches are entirely valid, they are just different.

I'd go ahead and have the vacation YOU planned, doing things the way YOU want to do them, and just let them know what YOU are thinking and planning. If they want to join YOU, great, if they would rather do something else, don't stress about it, it's not worth it.

Thank you, I agree. That was well said.

 

[DisneytheKid]

I'm sorry to hear that. Ive done the trip with the extended family before and understand the added headache you're dealing with. Best of luck to you with future trips!

 

[3Minnies1Mickey]

Sometimes this sort of thing has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING other than the logistics.

I recently put together a trip to DL for my family and we invited my mom.

I found myself getting rather frustrated with the whole thing pretty early in the process, but realized, after reflection, that no one was being particularly difficult or ornery, it was just a matter of trying to coordinate a trip between three adults, all of whom have opinions, only some of whom have been to DL, and also trying to keep in mind the three kids that are coming along as well.

It's just difficult, period, and so if you find it difficult, well, you are in the same reality as the rest of us LOL

It's also absolutely true that everyone has different filters in terms of what they think is "worth spending money on" i.e. there are many who look at a hotel as being just a place to sleep when they aren't in the parks, but there are also many who want something a bit more luxurious and a bit more comfortable as they might actually spend some time at the hotel. That's a huge difference to a veteran DL, and both approaches are entirely valid, they are just different.

I'd go ahead and have the vacation YOU planned, doing things the way YOU want to do them, and just let them know what YOU are thinking and planning. If they want to join YOU, great, if they would rather do something else, don't stress about it, it's not worth it.

Try planning a trip for 20! 10 adults and 10 kids (most of whom had never been to DL or at least since they added DCA) staying in ONE HOUSE! I actually wanted to go home early, I was so done dealing with everyone and everything.