Family Dilemma. What would you do?

[Sthronds]

Let me give you a bit of background first. I am very close with my parents and in fact, I live next door to them. We do everything together and being single, I often hang out at their house in the evenings after work.

A little more background. I have a cousin who is 18 and has been having lots of problems lately. She has been very manipulative her entire life and living with her mom only, she often got what she wanted. Her mom gave in to avoid conflict and her dad gave in to avoid guilt. (that's my opinion anyway) She has been violent to her mom (hitting her on a couple of occasions) and has had a hard time keeping friends. About a year ago she got into the Goth lifestyle pretty heavily and started dating a 23 year old with a newborn daughter (she's 17 at this point). A few months after turning 18, she moved in with him in his parents house. She did manage to graduate from High School and is now working at a bank. Her boyfriend has been cheating on her (big surprise) and now she doesn't know what to do. She feels like nobody cares about her and that she is worthless. Obviously we are worried about her and I am hoping to spend time with her during Thanksgiving. She finally agreed to move back in with her mother but feels like she is giving up her freedom.

Here is where my family comes in. My mom tells me this morning that her heart is telling her to invite my cousin to come live with them and get a fresh start. I know my dad will not go for it. He is very content with his routine and his life. He is not prepared for an 18 year old to be living with him. My mom probably isn't either, but she will adjust. I don't know if my dad will. I am afraid that this could be a bad thing for their marriage. So, I know that I have an extra room and that it would be much less disrupting for my dad if my cousin came and lived with me. I don't really think I can handle it either. I love her but I kind of like having her 4 hours away and not in my house. Our lifestyles are very different. I know I sound very spoiled, and I probably am. Any advice? I need some impartial judges.

 

[golfgal]

Well, if you want to help her you could invite her to stay with you and have a very detailed set of rules she must follow-how much rent she will pay, how much cleaning, etc. she does, who can/cannot stay overnight, any drug use and she is out immediately, etc. It sounds like she is looking for boundaries that she never had as a child/teen. It could be a good thing and having positive roll models never hurt anyone. What are the chances she will live by the rules you set?

 

[DisneyPhD]

I think IF you do it you should be very firm with the rules and expectations from the start (what she pays for, what your house rules are, what you expect from her.) Sounds like she really needs that in her life, the question really is are you the person do to that?

I don't think your concerns are selfish or spoiled at all. After all you have worked hard to get where you are now in your life. There is NOTHING wrong with that. You are considering a major change, don't make this descion lightly.

Good luck.

 

[TEENEE]

If you decide you are willing to give it a try you have to lay down the law before she moves in. As others have said, make sure she is aware of what is expected of her prior to her moving in. You are a kind hearted person for even considering taking on this challenge. Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[Pam]

My opinion? Avoid the situation at all costs.

She's 18 and an adult.

Your parents don't need the stress and burden. Quite frankly, neither do you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She is a mature woman. Whether she chooses to act that way is HER problem.
To "bail" her out of her mother's house is not the way to go about it.

She needs to move out and on her own. That is the proper solution. Bailing her out will only lengthen the drama. She wants to grow up. Guide her to her own place.
Teach her life coping skills that are necessary to become a mature adult woman.

 

[Keli]

I wouldn't do it and I would strongly encourage my mother not to either. She doesn't sound like she needs help so much as she needs to grow up. You don't mention an addiction or anything that would indicate she needs outside help to get back on track. When she gets sick and tired of her childish ways and the things they bring into her life then she'll get it together. Until then she'll just wear out her welcome with you and your family.

 

[bumcat]

I wouldn't help her especially since she does have a place to go. If she moves in you wont have just her to deal with, it will be all the other baggage.
Sorry I wouldn't do it. Ask your mother is it worth possibly ruining her marriage over?

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the other posters. I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't encourage my Mom to do it.

Your cousin is an able-bodied young woman who either has a job or could get one, who has a place to live, and who should be able to take care of herself. There is no reason for your Mom to take on the responsibility of caring for this grown adult because she feels sorry for her. And there is no reason for you to take on responsibilities for your cousin to avoid having your Mom taking her in.

I think that if you and your Mom put your heads together, you could come up with some better ideas of ways to help your cousin. Could you help her apply for college, find a trade school, or find a job that pays a decent wage? Could you support your cousin with encouragement to improve her life? You really should talk to your cousin about what her plans for her life are at this point. And, perhaps, there is some way that you could help your cousin to succeed.

 

[epcotfan]

My opinion? Avoid the situation at all costs.

She's 18 and an adult.

Your parents don't need the stress and burden. Quite frankly, neither do you.

Ditto, ditto, ditto!!!

 

[chrissyk]

My opinion? Avoid the situation at all costs.

She's 18 and an adult.

Your parents don't need the stress and burden. Quite frankly, neither do you.

I couldn't agree more.

 

[lulugirl]

It's very generous of you to want to help her, but I wouldn't do it.
You stated in your post that you didn't think you could handle it, I think you have your answer.

 

[minkydog]

My opinion? Avoid the situation at all costs.

She's 18 and an adult.

Your parents don't need the stress and burden. Quite frankly, neither do you.

I totally agree. This is not your problem, it's hers.Your parents don't need the added burden of taking care of a grown woman with no source of income. If she's big enough to move in with a man, then she's old enough to figure out what to do when he cheats on her.

It's much easier to say no now than to have to kick her out later(and you will!) Take her in if you must, but consider yourself warned.

 

[disneymom3]

I wouldn't do it either. Especially because your heart is not in it. IF this were somethign you were really feeling called to do, that would be one thing, but you are not. Plus, the reason she doesn't want to live with her mother is because she will lose her freedom. By the time you are 18, you should know that sometimes you have to make sacrifices to keep the peace and make other people happy. I think you will be inviting trouble even if you have firm rules in place before she moves in. What happens if/when she breaks them? If you have to kick her out, won't that cause major family strife?

It's not like she is homeless. She can live with her mom she just doesn't like it. AND she is 18--she COULD get a job and live on her own. Plenty of people do it who don't want to live with their parents.