Faith, Trust, Pixie Dust and Determination: My Journey to a New Me

[MouseketeerKelsey]

Hi everyone. My name is Kelsey. I am 19 years old. My health is an issue, a story I will get into in just a moment. I am so glad I found this board.

I am a singer and I make my living making videos on YouTube which a lot of people find weird. I also am a blogger, so having a place like this is amazing for me. I never wanted to talk about my weightloss journey on any of my current platforms because it felt too public.

I love the Dis. It has been a home for me when things in life have been hard, so it only seems natural that my journey would happen here as well.

For the past 5 years I have fought some not so fun health problem, none of which were because of my weight. Things with my health are still bad and I was starting to feel hopeless, so I decided to do something. I decided to take the one part of my health that I can control into my own hands, my weight.

It's hard, I am not going to lie. I have extremely severe chronic abdominal pain. There are many days where I can not get out of bed and that has always been something that held me back. My thyroid is also real messed up, so that doesn't help. One thing I will mention once and then probably not talk about again, but is part of my story, is that I have struggled with bulimia in the past. It isn't something I am proud of, but it something that is part of my story. Binging has always been a problem for me and it is something I am working on in therapy.

I have had many surgeries and long story short, I am looking at a full hysterectomy within the next year. It is something I have accepted, but I want to be in the best physical shape I can possibly be in before that. It isn't as bad as it sounds, they already took out one ovary, lol!

Some may say I have a twisted sense of humor, but that is how I cope and it keeps me happy.

I've been dealt a lot in my life, but I refuse to feel sorry for myself. Everything happens for a reason and I will be so strong when this all passes.

My biggest obstacle is my pain. It keeps me from exercising. It keeps me from cooking. It is the reason I end up comfort eating when my health takes a turn and I get depressed.

I want my life back. We can't figure out everything with my health problems and pain, but I have to have faith that we will at some point.

Not long ago I reached a very toxic point where I hated my body. I hated that it was "broken" and causing me pain and sickness and I hated my weight. That is such an awful place to be and I am glad to be working to get away from there.

I love fashion. I love fashion almost as much as I love Disney and singing and I want to get my body to a place where I can enjoy the fashion that I love so much.

Also for the career that I want to be in, entertainment, I have to look a certain way. I don't like that it is that way, but I can't change it. This is my time to get my life back. I have a long way to go. I have a lot to lose, but I have never been more ready. I have a hard time staying accountable, and this should help.

I am hoping to maybe make some friends in my time on here. I have been active on the boards for a while but have still yet to make any friends. I had to leave school in 9th grade because of my health and was homeschooled until graduation, so I don't have many friends, certainly not that understand what an intense journey this is. It would be wonderful to meet some people that get it (also that get the Disney addiction)

I promise my future posts will have less "sob story" stuff in them and will focus more on other things. I think I may do another post to talk about what I am planning on doing.

I'm excited.

All it takes is a little faith, trust, pixie dust and determination!

 

[MouseketeerKelsey]

Okay, I spent a lot of the last 2 hours thinking and writing things in my notebook. If you follow this along, you will learn that I write a lot in my notebook. It is an outlet and helps me think. I did some online research and thought about what I physically felt I could commit to vs what I want to do. Let's jump in!

Food:
This is still such a hard topic for me. Food is honestly very triggering and as much as this is about weight loss, it is also about removing an emotional trigger from something that I need every day to live. I have decided that for the beginning I want to stay under 1,2000 kcal per day. I ran some numbers in MFP and it seems totally doable.

For a long time I have wanted to be a vegan. I struggle getting enough protein every time I go vegan, but I love how I feel. I plan on eating vegan with the exception of allowing myself up to 8 oz of boneless, skinless chicken breast with my dinner. I think this will help me with the protein issue plus I love chicken.

I need to make sure I eat breakfast. I am not a breakfast person. One thing I love is smoked salmon but the sodium is so high that I don't want to do that. I think for me starting my day with something like 1 cup of Honey Nut Cheerios, 1/2 almond milk and a banana will be perfect. With some black tea with lemon of course, can't live without that!

I hardcore love hummus. Hummus with naan is one of my all time favorite foods. I plan on doing a lot of lunches where I eat hummus, pita or naan and raw veggies. Sounds healthy and tasty.

Dinners I think will be fun. I love stir fry. I can do lots of those. Salads also really hit the spot sometimes. Then there will be days where it is something like chicken, rice and a veggie. We will see. It is exciting and there are so many options open to me.

Snacks will be a lot of yogurt. I don't mind nondairy yogurt and that adds more protein so it is perfect.

Exercise:
I used to love exercise more than anything. Back the last time I had my gym membership, there was nothing I loved more than putting my headphones on, listening to some music I love and then kicking some major you-know-what on the elliptical. The feeling after I was done couldn't be beat! I also loved the stationary bikes, treadmills and the circuit training set up at my gym. I am going to start doing them again. My gym is not far from my house. Florida is hot and rainy. I think the gym is my best bet.

In the beginning it is going to be very short workouts at a time because of my pain level but I hope to be able to push through it. My pain doesn't define or confine me and I won't let it try. I do plan on going to the gym daily. Even if it is only 10 minutes, I want it to be 10 minutes every day.

Wellness:
I want to take a couple steps to improve my overall health and wellness. Some of the meds I'm on really mess with my system and I want to try to make my body the best I can.

I plan on starting to meditate. I have been told amazing things about it and it was even recommended to me by my CPT (Chronic Pain Therapist. Basically she helps me deal with the pain and limitations in my life while also helping me find ways to lessen them) and my dad is trained in it so it shouldn't be hard to get some help.

Sleep. Oh sleep, how you mess me up. I get very little sleep. Between pain and side effects of meds, it is little to none. Even when I get sleep, I never sleep for more than 30 minutes without waking up in pain. I don't really know how to fix it, but I really would love to get to 5 hours a night, actually happening at night, not 3 pm when I finally crash.

Cleaning. My room is a mess. It happens because I don't feel well enough to do anything with it, but that ends today. I spend most of my time in my room, especially when I do not feel well, and it being a mess makes my anxiety worse. I am taking all of today (and tomorrow if it still isn't done) to get it together. I also want to get it functional and useable so that I love being in there. It is my space, why not make the best of it.

What I love. I put off filming videos. I put off writing blogs. I haven't been in the studio in months. I want to put a renewed focus on making sure I am putting the time in and enjoying the things that I love (that also happen to make me my money)

Social. I want to make friends. I want to get back the friends that seemed to drift out of my life, but were always there for me. It bothers me a lot that I am as alone as I am. Sure, maybe I can't just go out and make friends because of my health, but I can do everything I can.

I think that is it for now. Please feel free to comment along, I need the push and knowing that there are people reading really forces me to be accountable. I think this morning I am going to make one last post about my goals.

 

[MouseketeerKelsey]

Goals:

I have a ton of goals, but I think I am going to start broad and then update. I also think I am going to put my weight on here. It is something that scares me, but I know that anyone that sees it is not going to be someone that is trying to judge and ridicule my number. The last time I weighed myself was at the doctor on 9/1/15. I am going to put that number and then in today's daily report which I will post tonight, I will weight myself again just to have a real starting point. I have been eating healthy this month so who knows!

SW: 350.2
CW: Unsure until tonight
GW: 140

That's a lot. 210 pounds. I don't expect to get there overnight. I don't plan on doing anything unhealthy. I do plan on working really hard and getting it off quickly (for what it is, I don't mean like next month lol).

There are a couple of major milestones that I want to weigh less for.

First:
171 days away
I am going on a cruise on 3/4/16. It is huge. It is a band cruise. I am going to be meeting my favorite band for the first time. I am going to be meeting lots of people. I want to go in the pool. I want to wear a bathing suit and not care who sees.

Second:
220 days away
There are a few major YouTube conventions. They are basically weekend long events for YouTube fans and creators to come together. Think of it as an online media version of D23. It is part of my job to be at these, at least the major two. This one is Playlist Live in Orlando. I am on panels there and also perform. I also end up taking pictures with people that watch my videos and I am sick of hating how I look in every photo. This year Playlist Live is 4/22/16-4/26/16.

Third:
308 days away
This is the biggest. I go to LA for meetings and the biggest YouTube convention in the world every summer. I have worked up over the years and get to play a full set on stage. There are 20,000 people there. Plus I spend the week after in LA meeting with important companies and management. I finally want to look the part. I do not know for sure the dates for this year but I will go off of when it was last year and when I flew out for them which would make it 7/18/16.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy. I am not expecting to lose 210 pounds in 308 days, I just want to lose a lot.

 

[roxymama]

I'm glad you found a safe space to journal. We are a very accepting and supportive bunch. I don't have experience with what you are going through with the pain, but I'm a mom and I remember how it was to not sleep due to pregnancy pain, so I kind of understand how something like that really affects your whole day.
Keep being honest here and reach out for support when you need it.
Also don't let anyone tell you that you have to look a certain way! Do it for you not anyone else

 

[Ariel484]

Hi Kelsey! Just wanted to let you know that I am following your journal.

You mentioned trying meditation...have you looked into maybe trying some gentle yoga? That might be a good way for you to move a bit but hopefully wouldn't be quite as painful. And learning the breathing techniques have helped me relax.

I know you feel lonely, but you certainly are not alone. Good luck to you!!

 

[Kriii]

Hello Kelsey,
Wow, you are dealing with a lot and you definitely have my support. One thing that strikes me in your post is that you have a lot of ambitious goals, which is not a bad thing, but it can be tough to tackle everything at once. It is good that you are working with a counselor and that person can perhaps help you with setting a few goals at a time. I would hate for you to give up just because it is tough to implement a lot of new things at once. I'm not sure how much you have learned about veganism, but I do caution you to do your research first and work with a dietician. I believe that you mentioned a 1,200 calorie a day diet and that is really pretty low. You will end up slowing your metabolism if you eat too little. Veganism requires careful planning in order to make sure you eat the right combination of foods to meet nutritional needs. Vitamin supplementation is also good, especially for B12. Be sure you are eating vegan for the right reasons. If can be attractive to those with eating disorders, since it is perceived as being lower calorie. I highly recommend the book "Becoming Vegan" by Brenda Davis and Vesanto Melina. Good luck with everything, especially your pain issues. I'm rooting for you.