Facing a divorce I don't want

[mtemm]

my husband and I are headed down the path of divorce, and I don't want it. I don't. I want us to work out our problems and move forward. But the problem, of course, is that it takes two to tango, and while he hasn't filed yet, I think he's heading in that direction.

I just don't know how to accept something I just don't want. I'll never understand why he is doing the things he is doing, how he can just stop loving me, how he can throw away 13 years for reasons that are in no way insurmountable. it all just seems so...casual. I know I just need to lift my head up and move forward, but I can't help but feel like there has to be something more I can do. something else. there has to be. any advice on any of these fronts is greatly appreciated.

thanks for listening. my therapist is off this week (on a disney cruise! see, I knew she was good people) and I think I'm just feeling really low.

 

[MushyMushy]

my husband and I are headed down the path of divorce, and I don't want it. I don't. I want us to work out our problems and move forward. But the problem, of course, is that it takes two to tango, and while he hasn't filed yet, I think he's heading in that direction.

I just don't know how to accept something I just don't want. I'll never understand why he is doing the things he is doing, how he can just stop loving me, how he can throw away 13 years for reasons that are in no way insurmountable. it all just seems so...casual. I know I just need to lift my head up and move forward, but I can't help but feel like there has to be something more I can do. something else. there has to be. any advice on any of these fronts is greatly appreciated.

thanks for listening. my therapist is off this week (on a disney cruise! see, I knew she was good people) and I think I'm just feeling really low.

I'm going to PM you.

Anyway, the absolute best thing you can do right now is get yourself on your feet, regain your self confidence and MOVE ON! You can't wallow over this. Just move on.

 

[poohandwendy]

my husband and I are headed down the path of divorce, and I don't want it. I don't. I want us to work out our problems and move forward. But the problem, of course, is that it takes two to tango, and while he hasn't filed yet, I think he's heading in that direction.

I just don't know how to accept something I just don't want. I'll never understand why he is doing the things he is doing, how he can just stop loving me, how he can throw away 13 years for reasons that are in no way insurmountable. it all just seems so...casual. I know I just need to lift my head up and move forward, but I can't help but feel like there has to be something more I can do. something else. there has to be. any advice on any of these fronts is greatly appreciated.

thanks for listening. my therapist is off this week (on a disney cruise! see, I knew she was good people) and I think I'm just feeling really low.

My sister went through this, although for entirely different reasons. But bottom line...she did not want the divorce and he did. I think all you really can do is take it one day at a time and continue to talk to your therapist I am sure that will help somewhat.

It definitely is always hard to accept things that are beyond our control and hard to come to peace with it. I am so sorry you are going through this. But, I know you will get through it and you will have happiness again. I am sure it's hard to see that right now, but it's true.

 

[SC Minnie]

You will have to go through all the same grieving stages as someone who is losing someone to terminal illness.

Feel free to come here to cry, whine, vent or scream.

 

[mickeyfan2]

See a lawyer ASAP and get your financial house in order. Copy all bank statements, tax returns, recent paystubs, W4s etc. Start saving some cash for yourself in a new safe deposit box. Change all of your life insurances etc. into your children's names only and remove him completely. Seek out counciling to help you accept the future that you did not deserve and do not want. Please do these things. I can not tell you have terrible the life my cousin now lives because she ignored us on all of the above and now is 50, has no retirment money to speak of, basically lost all the money she got from the divorce in poor real estate transactions (again we told her to do it differently, but she knew better) and scrimps by everyday. I hate to see how bad her life is when her child support payments end.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be extremely hard. Try to do something nice for yourself every day. Small stuff counts! Think positively about yourself. Don't turn on yourself. It's easy to believe it's your fault . It isn't. It's his decision. Be the friend to yourself that your husband isn't (if that makes sense).

Put on a strong front. Eventually it will come naturally. Sometimes even getting mad helps.

Take care of yourself.

 

[JunieJay]

See a lawyer ASAP and get your financial house in order. Copy all bank statements, tax returns, recent paystubs, W4s etc. Start saving some cash for yourself in a new safe deposit box. Change all of your life insurances etc. into your children's names only and remove him completely. Seek out counciling to help you accept the future that you did not deserve and do not want. Please do these things. I can not tell you have terrible the life my cousin now lives because she ignored us on all of the above and now is 50, has no retirment money to speak of, basically lost all the money she got from the divorce in poor real estate transactions (again we told her to do it differently, but she knew better) and scrimps by everyday. I hate to see how bad her life is when her child support payments end.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be extremely hard. Try to do something nice for yourself every day. Small stuff counts! Think positively about yourself. Don't turn on yourself. It's easy to believe it's your fault . It isn't. It's his decision. Be the friend to yourself that your husband isn't (if that makes sense).

Put on a strong front. Eventually it will come naturally. Sometimes even getting mad helps.

Take care of yourself.

Nothing I could say would be better than the two posts that precede me.

Good luck to you. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Jennasis]

So sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard when the divorce is being forced upon you. I kind of did the same thing to my ex years ago. He did not want the divorce, but I did. He had zero choice in the matter. If one partner wants to end the marriage, all the other can do is decide how difficult they are going to be while it happens...he was very difficult. I divorced him because he was severely abusive emotionally and verbally.

Many hugs to you. You don't have to roll over and play dead while it happens, but you should fight for everything that you deserve during the dissolution of the mariage. Good luck!

 

[vickyBaby]

I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Please make sure you take care of yourself and get your financial records together.

 

[mtemm]

See a lawyer ASAP and get your financial house in order. Copy all bank statements, tax returns, recent paystubs, W4s etc. Start saving some cash for yourself in a new safe deposit box. Change all of your life insurances etc. into your children's names only and remove him completely. Seek out counciling to help you accept the future that you did not deserve and do not want. Please do these things. I can not tell you have terrible the life my cousin now lives because she ignored us on all of the above and now is 50, has no retirment money to speak of, basically lost all the money she got from the divorce in poor real estate transactions (again we told her to do it differently, but she knew better) and scrimps by everyday. I hate to see how bad her life is when her child support payments end.

thanks, all. I really appreciate all of your words. they help. they really do. I do need to keep my head up and be myself, and know that that self is a good person, a strong person. just sometimes its tough, ya know?

as for the above advice, I'm happy to say that I have done all of this, except changing the life insurance. will look into that one. I am sorry for your cousin, that is so sad.

 

[wishuponastarforever]

I am very sorry for the pain and hurt you are experiencing. Taking care of your possible future change is very wise. Also take care of yourself emotionally. You are your best friend - make sure you remember that.

For what it is worth. DH and I had a very happy marriage. At 20 years, he blindsided me with the same behavior you are describing. Once I picked myself up and knew I had to move on, he got scared and returned to make the marriage work. I was on my way to the otherside of him and he realized it. We are now about to have our 34th anniversary.

We are stronger for it - cliche I know, but true. The one thing that did change forever though - I always have Plan B for my own sanity.

I will pray that your outcome is the best for YOU.

 

[mickeyfan2]

thanks, all. I really appreciate all of your words. they help. they really do. I do need to keep my head up and be myself, and know that that self is a good person, a strong person. just sometimes its tough, ya know?

as for the above advice, I'm happy to say that I have done all of this, except changing the life insurance. will look into that one. I am sorry for your cousin, that is so sad.

I am so glad you are doing all the needed financial things.

Thanks for the kind words for my cousin. I have no idea what the future holds for her. Her parents are not rich, so could not support her. They help as much as they can.

 

[powellrj]

no advise, just wanted to send hugs.....

 

[rkrivas]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The other posters have given great advice.

I'm going through the same thing right now -- my soon-to-be-ex and I are going through mediation and will be filing soon. I was willing to try to work it out but he did not want to. Just take each day as it comes and know that it will get easier to accept.

A poster above noted that it's like dealing with someone with a terminal illness. I couldn't agree more...fortunately, I've come to the 'acceptance' stage.

Hang in there!

 

[Orange County Girl]

My little brother is facing this very same thing right now. His wife has filed for divorce. It will be final soon. They will be in court next week and he knows he will be balling like a baby the whole time. She wants a ride there and back. She says they will make a day of it, and that it will be "fun". She wants to go gambling together afterward.

 

[mtemm]

My little brother is facing this very same thing right now. His wife has filed for divorce. It will be final soon. They will be in court next week and he knows he will be balling like a baby the whole time. She wants a ride there and back. She says they will make a day of it, and that it will be "fun". She wants to go gambling together afterward.

omg, that's sick! I'm so sorry for your brother. his soon to be ex sounds heartless.

 

[DeterminedOne]

Do you know if there is another woman involved? The only reason I ask is because you mentioned that he is being very casual about things. It's really none of my business - not trying to be rude, just curious.

 

[Stitchfans]

Going through a divorce is never easy. I am sorry this is happening since it is not your wishes. Yes, your emotions will go through a roller coaster ride so if needed come back and vent. By all means also continue to talk to your therapist.

 

[ZPT1022]

I haven't been in your shoes, so no good advice except to be sure to be good to yourself. I hope that everything works out for the best, no matter what that should mean.

 

[twinklebug]

Do you know if there is another woman involved? The only reason I ask is because you mentioned that he is being very casual about things. It's really none of my business - not trying to be rude, just curious.

I was thinking the same thing as my husband of 14 years would change his personality with each new "friend" in his life. Very tough to live with someone who suddenly changes what they want in life and won't let you in on it.

I agree with what others have said here. Get your finances in order - make sure you can stand firmly on your own 2 feet without anyone else's help. I didn't see the signs and deluded myself into thinking working my low paying job from home would be the best for the kids. It took me 9 months to land a real position (starting next week ) and the kids and I still have a long road ahead.

You should know that the Massachusetts courts are severly backed up. This may sound promising as you don't want a divorce and will give you time, but if he were to walk out on you today it'll make it that much tougher trying to get support. PM if you need a "local" to chat back and forth with. If this happens, you need a strong support group!