Facebook meets real life

[LuvOrlando]

SO a few months ago my MIL Royally ticked me off. First it started with antics over a stupid cheesecake then later she put her sister up to harassing me on FB because I didn't fuss enough over her when she had a pretend illness caused by a panic attack. I'm not making light of how upsetting it may have been for her but what was I supposed to do about it, especially with a real life sick kid of my own. Anyway after that she was on my "dead to me list", as in the person no longer exists as far as I'm concerned. Well, for my DH's sake I invited the in-laws over for my kids' birthdays, and I was cordial... about as cordial as a person can be with a hornet in the room. They are still not over for Sunday dinners and as for me, well I'm not really big on the 'forgive & give second chances' thing.... on the other hand I am big on the 'Love my family and will do anything for them thing' so I seem to have a conflict. Now we are in the midst of getting ready for one of my SIL's getting married in Florida in the fall, a SIL I actually like very much. MIL is up at her *&^&*) sisters house, a woman I now hold it the utmost contempt and who I would have no problem unloading on given half a chance and yesterday MIL asks to friend me on FB, which is like kicking a hornets nest IMO

I don't want to friend her, I don't trust her and I certainly don't want to give her access to my friends. Should I wait for her to come back & tell her this or is the truth too harsh? Do I say nothing? What a crummy position to be in... did I mention I'm only being nice for my husband's sake? As far as I'm concerned this woman torpedoed any idea of us being a family so to me they are just a bunch of PIA's I am stuck with and I'd be happy to see the back of them..... but it's not just me here I also have a husband and 2 kids to think of.....so conflicted.

Stuff like this makes me wish I had a Mom or a sister, I don't want to tell my real life friends because we all live around here & I don't want to drag DH's family through the mud, again for his sake only.

 

[threecrazykids]

Regardless of trying to be "nice" for your hubby, if these people bother you it's only going to hurt him in the long run, so I would suggest not friending anyone you don't like. It's going to do is tick you off any time they post or reply to anything you post.

Why would he want you to friend someone you don't even like? If he has his own facebook page he can friend all the annoying relatives. If he doesn't have FB then it's high time he gets one and let's you off the hook.

FB really shouldn't be a place for people to get all worked up about issues so I'd only be friends with people you really want to know/care about.

 

[jillianml]

I totally get where you are coming from and no I would not add her to fb!I know people are all like family is the most important thing put your differences behind you however sometimes you are putting your family first when you choose to not have unhealthy relationships that only bring you down!I would not engage in bickering with her,I would avoid her without actually outing her!Good luck and try not let her ruin your day!

 

[RachaelA]

Would she mention it if you didn't accept?

I ignored my MIL's request multiple times (she meddles). She never brought it up. She's still not my friend on FB (and my FIL is).

 

[shortbun]

I don't get how a cheesecake, panic attack and Facebook can add up to this much anger. I hope venting here helps a lot. I have read a lot about Facebook here and although I'm NOT a member, I think you can friend her then block her. Those of you who are on the boundaryless, social network need to tell this poor gal how to handle this. Party on!

 

[Scurvy]

I don't get how a cheesecake, panic attack and Facebook can add up to this much anger. I hope venting here helps a lot. I have read a lot about Facebook here and although I'm NOT a member, I think you can friend her then block her. Those of you who are on the boundaryless, social network need to tell this poor gal how to handle this. Party on!

OP, you don't have to friend her first in order to block her. You can, but if she's as meddlesome as she seems then she will certainly notice that you've vanished from her friends list and that might make things worse. Basically, you need to decide what boundaries you are comfortable with and then change your Facebook settings to make them happen. If you don't ever want to be friends with her, just decline the request and then block her and be done with it. If you think there will be too much fallout if you don't friend her, then accept the request and customize your settings so that she can't see much at all. Maybe choose a photo album that she can see, and exclude her from seeing or commenting on your wall. Or you could just decline the request and not block her and assume she'll get the message that you don't want to be Facebook friends with her. Of course you'll also need to tighten your security settings so only friends can see the things you don't want her seeing, or she will be able to see them just like everyone else if she isn't your friend and you don't block her.

 

[DisneyChula]

It sounds like there will be drama no matter what you choose to do. Personally, I wouldn't approve her. Yes she wil question why and possibly make a big deal out of it, but that will be it. If you approve her, you will be giving her the opportunity to start issues whenever she wants. Lesser of two evils - let her complain now and continue on with your FB is relative peace!

 

[happygirl]

I would add her, save yourself the drama.

After you add her you can always block her,

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Just know that as long as you don't respond either way (accept or decline) that she will see your updates in her feed so be careful what you post.

Once you hit "decline" (or is it "ignore") then she won't see your feed anymore if your settings are private.

 

[AnnieEMT]

FWIW it's so easy to say that you never got the friend request if the subject ever comes up -- I have been perpetually ignoring a request from my former step-father for months. I would bet that she never mentions it anyway, but really, why add anyone that you'd have to block?

 

[minniecarousel]

eh - just don't accept or ignore her request. Just let it be.

And NEVER put anything on FB that you wouldn't want her - or anyone - to see.

 

[2binak]

Just know that as long as you don't respond either way (accept or decline) that she will see your updates in her feed so be careful what you post.

Once you hit "decline" (or is it "ignore") then she won't see your feed anymore if your settings are private.

People cannot see your status updates on their home page feeds until you accept their friend request. If they could see them without you accepting the request, people would friend everyone under the sun. If your profile page is not set to "friends only" or "friends of friends" then they can go to your profile page to see your status updates.

OP - I wouldn't accept it. DH has a drama queen in his family and I've removed her from my friends list. The drama she creates, even on FB is just not worth my time or energy.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

People cannot see your status updates on their home page feeds until you accept their friend request. If your profile page is not set to "friends only" or "friends of friends" then they can go to your profile page to see your status updates.

OP - I wouldn't accept it. DH has a drama queen in his family and I've removed her from my friends list. The drama she creates, even on FB is just not worth my time or energy.

Actually, yes they can. I have sent 2 friend requests that are still "pending" - meaning that the person hasn't chosen to Accept or Decline - and I constantly have their updates in my feed. I can see when they friend someone else, when they post their status, pictures they are tagged in, etc.. and both of those pages are private.

 

[NikitaZee]

If you can see someone's status updates, that doesn't mean it's because there is a pending friend request. It is because they have their security settings set for 'everyone' or 'friend of friends'. If you can see it, and are not yet a 'friend', it's not set to private.

 

[Kellydelly]

Actually, yes they can. I have sent 2 friend requests that are still "pending" - meaning that the person hasn't chosen to Accept or Decline - and I constantly have their updates in my feed. I can see when they friend someone else, when they post their status, pictures they are tagged in, etc.. and both of those pages are private.

That doesn't seem possible .

OP, ignore the friend request!!!!!!!!!

 

[koolaidmoms]

You can also set up a separate "list" of friends and accept her into that. You can set your posts to customize so that you choose which lists of people to send it to. Just make her an exception for all your posts so that you have to tell it to include her. That way she still thinks she is a friend and you just never post too much.

You can also limit all your information this way too. She could be blocked from your friends list but maybe let her see your info page and photos if you like.

Give her as little access as you wish.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

SO a few months ago my MIL Royally ticked me off. First it started with antics over a stupid cheesecake then later she put her sister up to harassing me on FB because I didn't fuss enough over her when she had a pretend illness caused by a panic attack. I'm not making light of how upsetting it may have been for her but what was I supposed to do about it, especially with a real life sick kid of my own. Anyway after that she was on my "dead to me list", as in the person no longer exists as far as I'm concerned. Well, for my DH's sake I invited the in-laws over for my kids' birthdays, and I was cordial... about as cordial as a person can be with a hornet in the room. They are still not over for Sunday dinners and as for me, well I'm not really big on the 'forgive & give second chances' thing.... on the other hand I am big on the 'Love my family and will do anything for them thing' so I seem to have a conflict. Now we are in the midst of getting ready for one of my SIL's getting married in Florida in the fall, a SIL I actually like very much. MIL is up at her *&^&*) sisters house, a woman I now hold it the utmost contempt and who I would have no problem unloading on given half a chance and yesterday MIL asks to friend me on FB, which is like kicking a hornets nest IMO

I don't want to friend her, I don't trust her and I certainly don't want to give her access to my friends. Should I wait for her to come back & tell her this or is the truth too harsh? Do I say nothing? What a crummy position to be in... did I mention I'm only being nice for my husband's sake? As far as I'm concerned this woman torpedoed any idea of us being a family so to me they are just a bunch of PIA's I am stuck with and I'd be happy to see the back of them..... but it's not just me here I also have a husband and 2 kids to think of.....so conflicted.

Stuff like this makes me wish I had a Mom or a sister, I don't want to tell my real life friends because we all live around here & I don't want to drag DH's family through the mud, again for his sake only.

You could say that FB is for friends only.

Seriously just blow her off as much as you can and reject her on FB right away.

Your FB has nothing to do with your dh or your kids. Stop thinking that you have to appease this women because of your kids and dh.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

If you can see someone's status updates, that doesn't mean it's because there is a pending friend request. It is because they have their security settings set for 'everyone' or 'friend of friends'. If you can see it, and are not yet a 'friend', it's not set to private.

When you go to the person's page though, you can not see anything - no photos, wall, friends, etc... because of the privacy settings. Once I sent a friend request then their info started showing up in my feed. I still can't see their page as they haven't accepted me as a friend yet.

Bottom line - if you don't want someone to see your page or any part of it then immediately decline the friend request then BLOCK them so they can't even search you on FB. If I were the OP, that is what I would do.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

You can also set up a separate "list" of friends and accept her into that. You can set your posts to customize so that you choose which lists of people to send it to. Just make her an exception for all your posts so that you have to tell it to include her. That way she still thinks she is a friend and you just never post too much.

You can also limit all your information this way too. She could be blocked from your friends list but maybe let her see your info page and photos if you like.

Give her as little access as you wish.

That is what I do with MIL - whom I get along with very well most of the time. I don't see the need for her to have access to anything other than family photos. When she had access to my status, she would often make comments that I just didn't want to hear (like if she thought we went out to dinner or to Disney too often or if we didn't vote the same way she did). DH would later get the lecture and he got sick of hearing it too. Now she gets to see the cute pictures of the grandkids but doesn't have the ability to lecture me about anything on my status. Honestly, she has no clue she is blocked in any way. She just thinks I don't post status updates anymore.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Yikes, this woman is a major PITA! No, I wouldn't friend her. Sounds to me like you tried hard IRL and it's impossible there so why open the gates to your innermost self? I can only imagine the havoc she'll let rip when she sees something on your wall!

I can understand your conflict with the "family" vs "cut em off if they treat you like crap" but, again, you've tried. As you already know, sometimes you just have to cut the flesh-eating bacteria out of your life. Now, DH and the kids can still go on over to her house, call, whatever but YOU don't have to. Maybe a nice, long, cold shoulder would eventually wake her up and start treating you better but I'd let her come to you with an olive branch (and, no, a "friend" request isn't it).

So sorry you wound up with one of THOSE MIL's LuvOrlando.