Extended family problems - LONG Sorry!

[grlpwrd]

I empathize with you. I am also especially glad to hear you made your niece's trip magical in spite of all the difficulties. That takes a lot of strength and love.

I would speak up. The adults in your niece's life have a responsibility to her and it's not healthy for her to go around thinking she's a prima donna...and yes, beware of grandma.

 

[Lucky4me]

My kids and I were my parents chosen favorites. It drove me nuts. I was always trying to buffer outright favoritism to my kids over my nieces and nephews.
I can't imagine how bad my siblings felt. My parents died when my kids were pretty young so that took care of that.

My only advice is to rally around your own family and become a very strong unit without your parents and sisters family. That will make it a lot easier.

 

[tmasingo]

I was introduced to these boards by a friend several months ago and have sporadically scanned here and there but this is the first post which sparked an interest in me to respond. I feel for you and your situation. My ex inlaws were the same way. My nephew has a hard to control form of epilepsy and has had seizures most of his life (he's 7). He was, until my DS was born 2 1/2 years ago, the only grandchild, and therefore spoiled, even more so because of his illness. My ex MIL actually had the nerve the day after my DS was born and they were all visiting us at the hospital to say to my nephew (right in front of me) "Isn't he cute? But not as cute as you." She then proceeded, for about 6 months to continually refer to my nephew as her #1 grandson and my DS as #2. It drove me mad, and finally I made my exH say something to her before I lost my cool and said it in a much more harsh way.

I did what you did and constantly pushed it aside and just kept quiet, but that's a hard thing to do. There is no reason for anyone to play favorites, especially with children, who are impressionable and innocent and don't deserve to be made to think that they are 'less' than someone else, ESPECIALLY by their own family! What kind of message does that send?!

I have since divorced and don't have to deal with them anymore on a regular basis, but I also know that my DS will never be treated the same by them that his cousin is, and that to me is just sad. Lucky for him my family shows him all that love and more!

Good luck with your situation!

 

[babytrees]

Prayers and Pixie Dust to you!!!

My in laws have always played favorites...first with their children(my DH is the odd one out on favorites) and now with their grandchildren. Now my MIL has always been wishy washy in the way she has talked to me....I'm a queen one day a witch the next. I have tried the distance....it works to a point(I have also done the talk calmly....also worked to a point) The major problem is they don't see the error of their ways. My girls (13 & 9) know that set of grandparents treat everyone differently and they are getting the short end of the stick.

I always have to remind myself that my inlaws are the ones losing out....my family is awesome and they are missing out on knowing my girls.

I wanted to comment on the religion thing. A missionary I know said when asked why he was a missionary in Italy(a country with churches everywhere) and he said there is a difference between going to church and having a personal relationship with God. We all know people who warm seats in church every Sunday but their life does not reflect it except on Sunday.

It helps to vent to people who know the frustrations and love ya anyway!! (Plus we can't tell the other side what your saying unlike your Grandma )

As a friend says whenever someone gets on her bad side: "Bless their pointy little heads!"

 

[Breakfast@Tiffany's]

Just from a slightly different point of view - I live several hours away from my family, although within a half hour of cousins. Our mothers, twins, had a falling out many years ago with harsh words exchanged and our family cannot seem to bridge the gap that it caused. My cousins and I don't talk and we don't see each other because it's so awkward and our mothers would probably disown us if we did.

Remember that your daughters and neice will grow up someday and will be affected by what goes on between the adults. I have similar issues as you with my own neice getting special treatment, but I try to hold my tongue, which can be a challenge. It's a fine line between getting along but not getting walked on! Good luck to you and your family!

 

[estherhead]

My two cents is you need to stop sacrificing your needs for others, no matter if they are family or not. We all treat people how to treat us. This is a hard lesson for we people pleasers out there, but it sounds like you and DH were very, very accomodating (you must have a VERY nice Dh, mine wouldn't have put up with it.) I have put myself in your shoes over and over and I work every day to never put myself there again.

I say you don't go back and discuss the past but from here on out at every holiday, trip, or whatever you and Dh decide what you will take before hand and very calmly tell everyone the way it is, and don't back down. They don't like it, they don't need to be with you. My dh and I recently made this change and boy has it changed relationships. As my sister says (she is the please type too) "Let people walk on eggshells around ME for awhile. About stinking time!" We just want people to like us so badly, but they truth is they are too tied up in their own self-centered-ness to notice you, much less like you. Like yourself. Pamper yourself. Please your Dh & kids. And give your extended family the leftovers. Don't give yourself the leftovers.

They'll bad mouth you no matter what, so be happy and them bad mouth you instead of being irritated and them bad mouth you. That's my opinion.

Esther

 

[Nancyg56]

Oh Chip, what a trip! First, let me say that I admire that you did not take out your frustration on your DN. Your lesson to your kids is invaluable!

Now: Enough already! I agree with ExPirateShopGirl, and think that your family comes first. Take some time, and perhaps keep distance from the whole thing. Skip Thanksgiving and maybe stay home and enjoy Christmas day with your kids. I can gaurantee that the tension that you and DH feels is transmitted to them. If questioned simply say that you can't make it this year.

My inlaws are really a mess. Most feel that the only people who are people are the blood relatives, and refuse to include me and my family in their plans. I used to get hurt, but now I just say that I don't understand them. Nothing else. My DH does the rest. We often hear that MIL misses DH, or SIL wants DH to visit. Will ever happen. We have most holidays at home, and we invite those who treat the family well. The rest can celebrate elsewhere.

You can always vent to us. As you can see, we all have family who we would prefer to avoid, and can relate to some of your frustration. Beats starting a family feud, as you can never take back words once spoken.

and to you!

 

[budbeerlady]

Sorry your stuck in such a mess Chip. I am so glad this board lets us all sound off about our messed-up families, I can laugh (done crying) about everyones stories. Realize eventually your kids will see how silly the whole situation is and that the DN is "fine" and all the adults she has catering to her are messed up. I have a S-i-L who is just as bad. EVERYTHING is a horrible crisis and the inlaws play into the game everytime. It hurts and it sucks and you do get sick of being the bigger person. However I do get my "sick" comments in with the sweetest of words and inquiries into thier various health crisis. The S-In-L "almost" died after giving birth, "really in a hospital w/ such a good reputation, I never would have dreamed it? How many pints of blood do you need Transfused?" (NOne!)" Dont those IV"s hurt like the dickens (What you never had one?) I'm so glad to hear you made it through that!" The spot light must always be on her somehow, the poor saint, the things she has lived through.

But I did have my meltdown yesterday!!!! My Dad was just dianosed w/ cancer of the appendix, which is very rare and we found out 2 weeks ago after his appendix was removed from Appenecitous. So we are devestated as this rare form of cancer is so hard to get rid of completely and the diagnosis isnt very good. (If you are praying people throw my Dad into your prayers, he needs them) I found out after calling the M-in-L to update her and ask her to pick up DD after school, that the S-in-L's mom might have cancer. Oh REALLY, what showed up on her CAT scan? Oh, I see, she hasnt seen a doc? NOthing like self-diagnosis! So I sent her an email that I was so sorry about her mom and we will be praying for her, did she want the name of my Fathers surgical oncologist, or any numbers I had for the various cancer centers to get her good treatment. Not very nice I know, but come on! We generally avoid them aside from holidays, and those are soothed by a bottle of wine to get through them. I should take my own advice, and I would never, ever travel with them, even if the trip was free for me to WDW! Lessons learned!

 

[chrisn]

I would have BLOWN a freakin fuse! It's kind of like my dad telling me that the reason why they pay more attention and buy more things for my sisters kids than mine is because we have more money and my kids get nice things...PULLEASE! Kids don't understand that s**t! You are not spoiled or immature. Your feelings are hurt and your trying the best to deal with a hard situation. You deserve a lot of credit. Hang in there!

 

[Nancyg56]

Sorry your stuck in such a mess Chip. I am so glad this board lets us all sound off about our messed-up families, I can laugh (done crying) about everyones stories. Realize eventually your kids will see how silly the whole situation is and that the DN is "fine" and all the adults she has catering to her are messed up. I have a S-i-L who is just as bad. EVERYTHING is a horrible crisis and the inlaws play into the game everytime. It hurts and it sucks and you do get sick of being the bigger person. However I do get my "sick" comments in with the sweetest of words and inquiries into thier various health crisis. The S-In-L "almost" died after giving birth, "really in a hospital w/ such a good reputation, I never would have dreamed it? How many pints of blood do you need Transfused?" (NOne!)" Dont those IV"s hurt like the dickens (What you never had one?) I'm so glad to hear you made it through that!" The spot light must always be on her somehow, the poor saint, the things she has lived through.

But I did have my meltdown yesterday!!!! My Dad was just dianosed w/ cancer of the appendix, which is very rare and we found out 2 weeks ago after his appendix was removed from Appenecitous. So we are devestated as this rare form of cancer is so hard to get rid of completely and the diagnosis isnt very good. (If you are praying people throw my Dad into your prayers, he needs them) I found out after calling the M-in-L to update her and ask her to pick up DD after school, that the S-in-L's mom might have cancer. Oh REALLY, what showed up on her CAT scan? Oh, I see, she hasnt seen a doc? NOthing like self-diagnosis! So I sent her an email that I was so sorry about her mom and we will be praying for her, did she want the name of my Fathers surgical oncologist, or any numbers I had for the various cancer centers to get her good treatment. Not very nice I know, but come on! We generally avoid them aside from holidays, and those are soothed by a bottle of wine to get through them. I should take my own advice, and I would never, ever travel with them, even if the trip was free for me to WDW! Lessons learned!

I am so sorry that your family is going thru this. Please accept my best wishes for your Dad, and know that I will add him to my evening prayers. Just a side note, when my wonderful cousin was in the hospital treated with an ovarian growth, not malignant thank God.Don't you know her step mother just knew that she had cancer? God forbid that her Dad spend precious time with his daughter! How juvenile, but I alwaye fell that it must be a nightmare to live in her skin. same for your s-i-l. I love you good humor dealing with her.

 

[Teacher03]

I do sincerely feel for you. I have just recently had to distance myself from my family under a little different circumstances, but it is due to favoritism and my parents making HUGE mistakes with my sister and her son. My kids have dealt with it all of their lives, but it still makes me angry. A couple of months ago, I was planning a trip to Disney for Christmas 2006 with my family and my parents, but I have decided to just enjoy it with my husband and kids. S0...no, I do not feel you are being selfish. Give yourself some time to be angry. You have every right.

PS-It was awesome what you did for your niece. Someday she will realize what a great aunt she has.



1970's- Fort Wilderness
1994-Fort Wilderness
1998-Boardwalk
2005-Cypress Point
2006-Wilderness Lodge

 

[MrsPete]

O.K. DIS "family" I have some issues, and I need opinions, you can tell me I'm being stupid or selfish, it's o.k., but I needed to "vent" to someone who doesn't know me, before I call my family and make the mistake of saying things I'll regret.

I know what you're going through. My brothers and I were the "less favored" children (though we didn't have any health issues clouding our situation). Trust me: kids know, and it hurts them to realize that Grandma and Grandpa like their cousins better. In our case, my paternal grandmother never really liked my mother -- thought she wasn't good enough to marry her favorite son, thought she was too harsh on him when she insisted that he work instead of drink all day . . .

You can't do anything about this situation without appearing petty (in their eyes), and if you do say something you risk losing your extended family. Even if things aren't perfect, you don't want to lose them; it's obvious that you care for them. Instead, I'd suggest that you take care of yourself and your children by minimizing contact with these toxic people. Holidays, of course, are for families, but make it a single afternoon of visiting and dinner, then back to your own family. Be "too busy" to get together at other times. And don't go on vacation together any more!

Remember, too, that you are the lucky one in this situation. You have healthy children and a good husband.

 

[dudedisney]

I too can relate to this situation. I won't go into my details. Just know that I understand. I have personally decided (along with DH) that we four are all the family I need to worry about and anything else is beyond my scope. Therefore, we will just concentrate on our family and do what we can to make our lives special with each other and not be concerned with the others. Sometimes it sounds very harsh but bending over backwards for others who don't appreciate it just robs you of quality time with your own children.

Sympathy from a distance is what works for us and makes our lives less painful so maybe it would work for you? Good luck.

 

[Rella Bella]

Hugs to you Chip!
You really put up with a lot! Your restraint at Disney is majorly commendable!!

I so agree with the idea to do your venting here. Get it all out here where your family won't be reminding you about "your blow up" for the rest of your life. As difficult as they can be... you can't replace your family.

As for you DS's comment about 'never doing that again'... it's the same way you feel right? What if Gramma added a bit of vinegar to the translation? Maybe DS just realized the same thing you did, that Disney works best when you are with your immediate family. When it comes time to go again, she won't be complaining about wanting to go with you! So celebrate! And DON'T feel in the least guilty about planning all the rest of your trips to Disney sans extended family!!

 

[Banshee]

I feel like this has been almost 6 years, since DN has been born, I've taken it..My girls are getting old enough to see it for themselves & it breaks my heart

WOW I am in the same situation as you!! Except it is my In-laws and my oldest DS is really starting to vocalize his feelings at birthdays and holidays and get togethers. Like "what is wrong with me?" and "how come she got that?" I always tell him it doesnt matter what you get. But I know that my MIL gets my children second hand items from the thrift shop and my Niece gets nothing but the best! It is plainly obvious when my niece gets all the newest toys! When my son asks me why? What do I say?? I just tell him for now that it is because she is a girl and girls always get better things! But how long will tat sorry excuse last. My final straw was this past summer we sold our house for about 4 times what we paid for it and it was all in our pocket because we had no mortgage. Well my BIL beign jealous that we were buying a new house decides he is going to really fix his up. Well where does he go for a loan but the first national bank of mom!! Well mom doesnt really have that much cash on hand. Soooo she tells my husband that she had spent approximately 25000 on him during high school and that she needed it back plus interest!!!!!!!!! I am NOT KIDDING!!! That is when I snapped! I went to her house and asked her flat out what her problem was and she said she needed the money, and that we just made all that money selling our house we could afford it!!! I told her it is one ting if she needed a loan but to tell her son that he owed her!!! That really hurt his feelings. Basically I told her she was insane and we would not give her a penny! And that her and BIL could go to a bank and get a loan for his home improvements! We havent really talked to her since and she has told everyone in our family we wouldnt give her the money. Basically I am trying to say I would probably speak with my parents civilly and just explain how the kids are starting to see how they are treated differantly. And that it is hurting you! ALL children are special! My brothers daughter has a heart defect she is on oxygen and in 4 short years has had 6 surgeries, she is on what seems like thousands of meds. But she is treated no differantly than the rest of the grand children. at least not in front of the other children. well soeey for beign so long winded!! But I feel for you and I hope everything turns out great!!