Ex-spouses at funerals....

[Pamlur]

When my husband passed away three years ago (after 30 years of marriage), his first wife came to his service. She took a huge load off me; she greeted people, and she and her children took care of catering the meal afterwards. I was in such a fog of exhaustion and grief (my mother was also in the hospital), I never thought of food.

 

[bankgirl05]

A variety of answers I must say. . I'm only asking because I wanted some perspective. My father passed recently (he was 75). My mother, his current wife of 35 years, is 20 years his junior and have 2 kids together. His ex wife (also 75) came to my dads funeral. They were married about 14 years and had 2 kids. The exe is such a nice woman. She was very polite and loving. She tries to reach out to my mother but my mom can't stand her and basically ignored any kind words from her. I know it upset my mom throughout the whole funeral. Later she told me it was the rudest thing she's ever seen (her attending the funeral).

I feel more like what a PP said. These people at one point cared about each other. Had children together. And if nothing else just to be there to support her own children after the passing of their father. I felt it was in fact the opposite of rude. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a peace loving hippie. Why can't we just hug it out kind of girl. Seeing my mom show her talons to a 75 year old lady (ex or not) is just immature and completely ridiculous. I could be wrong though. Please don't flame me lol.

I don't think you are wrong, so if people want to flame you, we can don our asbestos suits together!!! My Mom recently remarried. Her new husband is a (for 10 years)widower, no kids, his wife of 20 years died of cancer. My mom decided to invite (her choice) his late wife's sister to the wedding. She then proceeded to treat her like crap the entire 3 days we were all together. My sisters and I enjoyed this woman, and treated her as a long lost Aunt, and were horribly embarrassed by my mother's actions!!! I feel your pain.

 

[msjprincess]

I guess it depends on the situation. My parents were divorced for 10 years when my mother died. He came with me to the funeral home to make the arrangements. My mother went to all of my father's family funerals, parties, weddings....They were family for over 20 years.

 

[ironpig70]

Funerals are as much for the living as they are for the dead.

My dad helped myself and 2 brothers clean out my moms place after she passed. They had been divorced for 20+ years at that point.

My dad was a pallbearer at my grandfathers funeral(moms side) also after they divorced.

If I ever divorce my wife I will be at her funeral as its as much about her as my kids.

 

[momof1princess]

It depends on the relationship, the age of the children, the length of the marriage, how long since the divorce, and whether there are step spouses. There's no rule; every family has to figure out what is right for them.

Certainly they shouldn't attend if the only reason is to dance on the deceased's grave.

This.

now, in my family, my parents have been divorced for 31 years, so they've reached the point where they can be cordial to each other (trust me, that wasn't always the case-the preparations for my wedding 21 years ago almost caused WWIII) and i wouldn't find it at all unusual to see either of them at the other's funeral. my dad would also come to my DGM's funeral, as she was always really good to him, and he loves her like his own mom (my paternal grandparents both died when i was a baby).

however, i would NOT expect my mom to go the funerals of my two ex-stepdads. both marriages ended badly. my first stepmom died about 2 years ago, and, while i loved her, we weren't very close, and my dad had divorced her and remarried in 1999 (yes, he was unfaithful), so there was some bad blood there. i would've liked to attend the funeral, and pay my respects, but i chose not to, to spare her sons any upset on what i know was the hardest day of their lives. oddly enough, my oldest ex-stepbrother and i attend the same church now, and see each other at least once a week, and we're friendly as can be.

 

[NFLDERS]

While it may be difficult. IMO Everyone must be allowed to show their respects, for the relationship they once had. To be able to grieve.

 

[Pooh Crew]

My dh's ex attended his father's funeral. She sat on the front row--with her new spouse, the one she'd been having an affair with for two years before dh found out--and sobbed like a baby, drawing everyone's attention to herself. It was a ridiculous scene and IMO highly inappropriate. One would have thought she was a grieving widow! No one minded her being there, it was sitting on the front row like she (and her new husband) was family and making a scene.

So, if one were to attend the funeral of an ex or an ex's family member, show some decorum for the current family. Pay your respects, but don't become the focal point of the funeral. Sit with the family ONLY if invited to do so. If you can't control yourself, consider leaving to spare the feelings of the family.

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

If my ex husband died I absolutely would go to the funeral with my children. They are not old enough to attend alone. His current wife can't stand me because she thinks he is still in love with me (after all these years) and she probably wouldn't be happy to see me. But I wouldn't just drop my kids off then wait in the parking lot. They will probably be upset seeing their dad in a casket and need my comfort while they are in there.

 

[Pugsly]

My DH's ex (who continually tries to insert herself into DH's life and has predicted I will leave him in 3 years and told him they can be together) has already mentioned to him that she wants to be able to come to his funeral. I understand they had a relationship, they have 2 (grown) children and I think I'll be fine with her there - out of respect for my step-children. What I'm concerned about is her sitting on the front row, claiming the title of "first wife" (and thinking she's owed something for it) and basically disrespecting me and our marriage (which she does regularly).

I would fully expect DH to go to her funeral.

I would not attend my ex's funeral.

 

[Gigi22]

It all depends on circumstances. If there is an ex-spouse whose presence would be overly dramatic/difficult, a private funeral is an option. You do not have to put a notice in the paper, or notify people, if they are only going to cause you more grief.

 

[goofy4tink]

I went to the calling hours for my ex-dh's dad and aunt. He came to both my mother and my father's calling hours.
My dad went to my mother's calling hours as well as to her funeral...they had been divorced for about 30 years by then.
My step-mother went to her ex-dh's calling hours as well as his funeral.

Yes, there are children involved in all cases. For the most part, each ex went to an ex's service to be supportive of the children involved.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

It Depends(tm)

 

[Burnedout]

Depends on the family. My parents would go to one another's with my step parent's blessings.

 

[Marlea98]

The priest at my mother's funeral said "Everyone is welcome and everyone is expected to behave!" I think that says it all.

Isn't it a shame that people have to reminded that good behaviour is expected even at a funeral, especially by a priest

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[Marlea98]

I think attending funerals is very much dependant on variables and 'what ifs'.

My husband's parents divorced when he was two and have always remained on relative cordial terms even though she remarried shortly after the divorce. She is still married to her second husband, DH's stepfather. DH's father remarried a couple of years ago and since then has caused a massive rift within the family.

In short, we would attend the stepfather's funeral (if DH's mother specifically asked, long story but there was a lot of domestic violence between the mum and stepfather 2when DH was growing up) but we would not attend the stepmother's funeral even if DH's father asked. If it wasn't for the stepmother my MIL and FIL would attend each other's funeral, but the stepmother would create a dreadful scene. Mind you, the stepmother had never met the first wife even though they live in the same town and have different social circles, but that is the kind of person the stepmother is - she is anti anything that connects her husband to his first wife (who he divorced decades before) and that includes his own children who he had effectively ignored to appease her.

Good luck with whatever you decide. As you can see from everyone's stories and suggestions families are very dynamic and often complex, so only you are in the position to do what you feel is best for you and your family. And never feel that you have to justify your actions to anyone.

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[Disney Doll]

A variety of answers I must say. . I'm only asking because I wanted some perspective. My father passed recently (he was 75). My mother, his current wife of 35 years, is 20 years his junior and have 2 kids together. His ex wife (also 75) came to my dads funeral. They were married about 14 years and had 2 kids. The exe is such a nice woman. She was very polite and loving. She tries to reach out to my mother but my mom can't stand her and basically ignored any kind words from her. I know it upset my mom throughout the whole funeral. Later she told me it was the rudest thing she's ever seen (her attending the funeral).

I feel more like what a PP said. These people at one point cared about each other. Had children together. And if nothing else just to be there to support her own children after the passing of their father. I felt it was in fact the opposite of rude. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a peace loving hippie. Why can't we just hug it out kind of girl. Seeing my mom show her talons to a 75 year old lady (ex or not) is just immature and completely ridiculous. I could be wrong though. Please don't flame me lol.

Your mom sounds like the problem in this scenario, not the ex.

 

[LilyWDW]

Totally depends on the situation. My parents had been divorced for about 8 years before my mother passed. My dad had cheated on my mom, but they had an overall cordial relationship. They still spoke and my dad would come over for Thanksgiving and Christmas. When mom was close to passing, my dad came and said goodbye.

The ONLY reason he wasn't at the funeral was because we held it in Indiana so that my mom's family could attend (a good number of them could not make the drive to Tennessee due to health). My dad does not travel. A 7 hour drive would not have been possible for him. However, he and his fiance would have been more then welcomed. They were there for me and my mother during her illness.

 

[tvguy]

While divorced, these people shared a life and love for a time. I can not imagine not allowing someone with that kind of connection a chance to say goodbye.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Your mom sounds like the problem in this scenario, not the ex.

Yes. It's unfortunate. In her mind an ex is not appropriate at a funeral. I wanted to see how many others felt the same.

 

[yoopermom]

We had a tragic situation last week, where my DSF's DS tried to kill his ex-wife's live-in boyfriend, and then committed suicide himself. This is a *very* disfunctional family, with lots of estranged family members, divorces, etc.

I was *extremely* impressed that they all put it aside when it came to the funeral. DSF and his ex, who had the worst divorce I've *ever* heard of, actually spoke on the phone throughout the week, planned the funeral, and were civil to each other the day of. I honestly thought the world would stop spinning on its axis.

The young woman involved came to the funeral in order to bring the children who had lost their father, despite all that had taken place, and was extremely civil to every one.

It was sad that it took a tragedy to pull them all together, even temporarily.

Terri