Ever Tried To Be Straight?

SanFranciscan · Dec 10, 2007

I really am uncomfortable with the term "straight" because if being married to a man makes me straight, doesn't that make many of you here "bent"? I knew the term would get your attention though, and I have that question. How many of you have tried to be heterosexual and decided it was a waste of time?

My sister was lesbian; and we all knew it, even though we skirted around the issue. Althea was dating men and trying to be what she was "supposed" to be. I could see that this was not working. I used to watch her and her friend Rachel and could tell that theirs was no ordinary friendship so I decided to butt in and tell my sister that if she didn't stop messing around she was not going to get a man and be happy anyway. She was just going to lose Rachel, who seemed like a really nice girl.

RickinNYC · Dec 11, 2007

Yup, but back in my college and high school days when I was just kidding myself. I think it's more living a life that I perceived others wanted for me. I had girlfriends but I was never happy. To add insult to their injury, it was quite honestly unfair to them that I date them simply because I felt my life needed to be "straight."

I feel the same for those men and women out there who have decided to get married only because they feel society demands it. I feel for them, but I equally feel for their spouse. It's unfair to everyone involved. As for me, I stopped giving a ding dang about what others wanted or thought of me and started living my life as God intended.

It's absolutley 110% patently ridiculous for anyone else to think a gay or lesbian person should be "straight". There's no choice in the matter. The only choice is whether one accepts or denies one's natural proclivity. As prevously mentioned, there are those who choose to "live straight" and there are those that choose to live their lives.

Frankly, I think those that are adamant that being gay is a choice speak from their own experience simply because they are in fact gay but chose otherwise, whether due to their religion or society's belief system. More power to them. I just feel for their husbands and wives.

Being gay isn't abnormal, it's simply another facet of life and nothing more.

Kudos to you for being supportive of your sister.

ChrizJen · Dec 11, 2007

I did. I had boyfriends in high school and college. But for me, I don't think it was so much "living a lie". I just didn't get it. It always felt like something was "off", but I just didn't really know any other way.

I remember having my first girl crushes back in high school. It totally freaked me out! I felt so strange and different. I didn't really know what was happening to me, and I had no one to talk to about it. So I figured I was just a freak, and went on with my "normal" midwestern life. Then sometime in college, I began to realize what those girl crushes were about! :thumbsup2

So my bottom line is this: It's possible that it just took your sister longer to realize what was going on. (Or she wasn't ready to come to terms with it.)
I think that I was maybe under the impression that if I went along with what was "expected" of me, then the "wierdness" would eventually go away, and things would get easier. Truth was, it never did go away, and things were SO much easier once I realized who I was, and embraced it! :thumbsup2

Good thread, OP!

-Christal

lillielil · Dec 11, 2007

Not intentionally, but effectively. I dated a few boys in highschool and clearly wasn't all that into it. It took a while for me to figure out why, but as soon as I did I stopped wasting time... not that the lesbian dating opportunities in Anderson, SC were all the great, but not dating at all was better than feeling obliged to kiss someone who smelled all wrong.

dauser · Dec 11, 2007

As an adult, the only time I went on a date with a woman was to hide my gayness from the male friends who I grew up with. She was someone from high school who I hadn't seen in a couple of years, and randomly met up with one night. After one date following that, and feeling horrible about deceiving her, I broke off all contact, instead of being honest. It made me feel even worse. It wasn't until a high school reunion a few years later that I was honest with her. She was very forgiving, but also wished that I was honest with her in the first place.

If your sister was confused and was dating men in hopes of falling in love with one of them, I understand. If she was dating them in hopes of fitting in with her family or friends, I understand that as well. Its a tough place to be.

Tigger&Belle · Dec 12, 2007

I wouldn't say that I tried to be straight as much as I thought I was for way too many years, ignoring some things that might have led me down a different path. Can't say that I totally regret it since I have 4 wonderful children, however I now am in a situation that will end up totally shocking my family when it all comes out, as it will very soon. Something about being married for 25 years and then realizing that those thoughts I'd had throughout the years really weren't things that I could dismiss.

ChrizJen · Dec 12, 2007

Tigger&Belle said:
I wouldn't say that I tried to be straight as much as I thought I was for way too many years, ignoring some things that might have led me down a different path. Can't say that I totally regret it since I have 4 wonderful children, however I now am in a situation that will end up totally shocking my family when it all comes out, as it will very soon. Something about being married for 25 years and then realizing that those thoughts I'd had throughout the years really weren't things that I could dismiss.

Wow! Tough situation! Congratulations on coming to terms with who you are! I can't imagine it will be an easy road for you once you start sharing the truth with your family, but hopefully they will understand and be there for you. Always know that whatever happens there, we will be here for you if you need us! :grouphug:

-Christal

Tigger&Belle · Dec 12, 2007

Thanks Christal! Yeah, you know what will hit the fan when I tell all. But I'm not sure what choice I have. I plan to go to a counselor to sort all this out before talking to my DH, that is if I can find a counselor who is taking new people. I'm afarid that my extended family won't be too understanding. Hopefully my children will understand. It's a topic that's always been discussed in our household since my BIL is gay, so at least they've been raised with some understanding, but it will be a little different since I'm their mom.

ChrizJen · Dec 12, 2007

You may be surprised that you find support and understanding where you least expected it. I know I did. I didn't think my dad would understand at all. But he seemed to know before I did...LOL

And what I should have said before is that your road may not be an easy one once you start sharing this with your family, BUT after you get that weight off of your shoulders, the road just MAY be an easier, more pleasant one. I cannot imagine that trying to deny who you are has been a very easy burdon to carry...

Tigger&Belle · Dec 12, 2007

The whole thing has shocked the hell out of me. :rotfl:

I thought I was a straight woman, afterall. Even Rick's gaydar was off with me. :laughing:

I spent last week with my oldest sister and she made a few gay comments and I would call her on them. Nothing awful, but just the typical crap that too many people say. BTW, I would have called her on the comments before, too, so I don't think she's suspicious. And I agree about the weight being lifted off my shoulders. Thanks for the support--it helps a lot. :hug:

Saxton · Dec 12, 2007

I tried (half-heartedly) to date guys in high school and college. I kept wondering what I was missing ... I finally determined 'nothing'! I knew it wasn't right for me so there was never any drama or confusion. When one of the guys I dated started driving by houses that were for sale and talking about all his married friends I ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

Saxton · Dec 12, 2007

Tigger&Belle said:
I wouldn't say that I tried to be straight as much as I thought I was for way too many years, ignoring some things that might have led me down a different path. Can't say that I totally regret it since I have 4 wonderful children, however I now am in a situation that will end up totally shocking my family when it all comes out, as it will very soon. Something about being married for 25 years and then realizing that those thoughts I'd had throughout the years really weren't things that I could dismiss.

Tigger&Belle - you've got a hard road ahead of you but it sounds like you've already sorted through your feelings. I can't imagine what you're going through. A friend of mine is in a similar situation but she hasn't found the courage to do anything. I feel sorry for her because although she keeps saying that she's only there for the kids, I know she'll be there long after the kids have grown and she'll still be unhappy. She loves her kids but she's so empty and she lives with sadness every day of her life. I wish you well and feel free to hang out here - we've got a great group of people.

SanFranciscan · Dec 12, 2007

Tigger&Belle said:
The whole thing has shocked the hell out of me. I thought I was a straight woman, afterall. Even Rick's gaydar was off with me. I spent last week with my oldest sister and she made a few gay comments and I would call her on them. Nothing awful, but just the typical crap that too many people say. BTW, I would have called her on the comments before, too, so I don't think she's suspicious. And I agree about the weight being lifted off my shoulders. Thanks for the support--it helps a lot.

Tigger&Belle, I came back here because I got a message that there were messages here. I am sorry that you are having to go through this and that your husband soon will be. He might already know your orientation though. He may be thinking that if he mentions it you will leave.

What gaydar were you supposed to show up on? My sister was a little bit of a tomboy, but lots of heterosexual girls are so I didn't think anything of that stereotype. I knew her for 23 years so it was from observation over time that I came to my conclusion. A classmate that I knew only superficially told me that she was lesbian after she caught me meddling on behalf of a male classmate who had a crush on her. She was the type that could walk away with the crown in beauty pageants if she wanted to, but she laughingly told me that if I were going to do any matchmaking for her my husband and I had better know some single women seeking single women. What gaydar would she have shown up on?

Tigger&Belle · Dec 13, 2007

I was joking with the gaydar comment.

My husband knows that somethiing is going on and perhaps he does know more than I think he knows.

Saxton, that's sad about your friend.

luvmydogs · Dec 13, 2007

Tigger&Belle said:
The whole thing has shocked the hell out of me. I thought I was a straight woman, afterall. Even Rick's gaydar was off with me. I spent last week with my oldest sister and she made a few gay comments and I would call her on them. Nothing awful, but just the typical crap that too many people say. BTW, I would have called her on the comments before, too, so I don't think she's suspicious. And I agree about the weight being lifted off my shoulders. Thanks for the support--it helps a lot.

You slipped past mine, too... And I'll never forgive you for that!!! :furious: