Even-Steven with In-Laws (vent)

[LoveKermit]

I have to vent.

First I need to say that I know that I have wonderful in-laws who do so much for us to babysit, help us financially if needed, or just lend an ear. But they are still parents and part of their job is to drive their kids nuts, right?

So here's the deal....

We have an 8 yo niece and a 3 yo nephew. He is nine months older than our DD. (I am an only child so there is no grandchild competition on my side) This is DH's brother's family. As our nephew got older, they helped them buy (or maybe bought) a swingset. Now my MIL wants to get us a swingset. We just bought a house and DD is not ready for one yet.

This past spring, nephew was told--by his parents--that when he was potty-trained he could do to WDW. (SIL doesn't "get" the Disney thing and didn't want to do diapers there. Plus they are military and could not afford to NOT go this year with the great deals) So spring break and they're ready to go. My in-laws drove down to do this with them (as well as her parents). Okay fine.

So, now we're starting to talk about potty-training. Yesterday MIL says to DD, "Grandma told you that when you are potty-trained, she'll take you back to WDW." Isn't that something for the PARENTS to decide? And certainly we are not letting them take her themselves (because we really like going too). And DH doesn't have a job that allows him much time off (but that's a different topic) and they don't quite understand that.

Why do we have to be even-steven? DH and I want her to be potty-trained because it's time and she's ready, not because there's some huge reward at the end. Even-steven's have been happening at Christmas for years already. Just look at the unused video camera and unopened espresso machine I have laying around.

Fortunately, DH can stand up to his mom (BIL, cannot). We'll put the kibbosh on it, but how can you promise a trip that the parents have not even had input on? Grrr....

Any comments?

 

[beachgirl2000]

That is a hard one! Because you know they mean well but it is not their position to decide -- they should have spoken to you first! You have to stick to your guns and tell them that its something that you will love to do in the future but you have to wait until the time is right, along with the money and vacation time -- And when Disney if offering a good "deal"!

 

[wdwmom0f3]

That is a hard one! Because you know they mean well but it is not their position to decide -- they should have spoken to you first! You have to stick to your guns and tell them that its something that you will love to do in the future but you have to wait until the time is right, along with the money and vacation time -- And when Disney if offering a good "deal"!

I agree with this post and I also have to say at least they are trying to keep it even. If not, you would be unhappy if the other family members got way more than your family did. Just be thankful that you have someone willing to help you every now and then and you have someone who cares about your family. It's a tough position, but try to look at the bright side of it.

 

[spare+a_pair]

I can't believe I'm saying this .... maybe it's because I have 3 young boys and one day I will be the MIL, but .... It really is hard being a MIL.

She probably wants to keep everything "even stevens" so that she doesn't upset either DIL or children. It seems like she really is making an honest effort, but maybe you should have a talk with her that you are ok with not everything being equal.

My boys are 9, 4, and 4. EVERYTHING my MIL did or said used to grate me to no end, but one day I finally realized that she really didn't mean to aggravate me - well most all of the time - she was just trying to help. Once I realized this and chatted with her about it, everything began to be much better. I'm not saying that you have a rough relationship with your MIL, but just try to chat with her about it. Once she sees your side, she probably will lay off a bit

 

[woodkins]

I get your frustration with them not consulting you first. But I am in the opposite position. I am the oldest of 4 adult children & my parents favor my brothers soon to be step children (his girl friend has 2 kids by his ex-best friend...perhaps you saw them on jerry springer ) My parents watch the 2 kids for weekends at a time, buy them tons of clothes, toys etc yet when I ask them to babysit for an afternoon so I don't have to take my 6 yr old to the gynecologist's office with me they are "too busy" or too tired. It is frustrating that they don't want to be a part of my daughter's life. Believe me, you could have it worse. And if you can't take it anymore you can let them know that there is a cute 6yr old girl in NY looking for 2 grandparents to love her!!!

 

[LoveKermit]

Thanks for the perspectives. I think we have told them it doesn't have to be even-steven. And Disney trips are kind of big things for even-steven. Plus, it's my parents turn (if they choose) to go with us next. DH is already dreading dropping that one on his mom.

And I do think SIL keeps track of that stuff more than I do. We sometimes feel like they take advantage of my in-laws, but maybe they think the same about us. We "win" when it comes to time spent with grandkids because we live closer to Grandma/Grandpa than they do. But DH sometimes thinks that there's guilt on both sides (with his parents and his brother)--hence the money-spending.

Who knows.

And Woodkins--I have a friend who has that situation with her in-laws. But I sometimes think my friend might be part of her own problem (a little dramatic). But it does stink when parents favor children.

 

[asoko]

My MIL always gets the kids stuff so she can "see their faces light up" So she gets the bikes etc. Made me mad at the beginning, now I usually just go with it. I learned I can't fight it, she'll do it anyway.

But I do prefer if she goes even steven because there is nothing more heart wrenching then looking into DD 4 year old little face at Christmas when Gma brings out a 3 foot dinosaur for DS and has nothing for her.

 

[sk!mom]

Consider yourself lucky that your inlaws want things to be "even steven". The more usual complaint is, "my inlaws are so unfair and treat the other grandkids so much better."

Seriously, I wouldn't be complaining if someone wanted to take my child to WDW. Maybe asking to go along to but not complaining.

 

[LoveKermit]

I think it's the "planting" of the idea that bothered me the most. My DD, though 2, is pretty smart. She remembers things that I don't think she should remember. I've quizzed her to see if Grandma has said anything and she didn't have an answer, so hopefully we can get Grandma to stop.

And I understand even-steven in person, especially for the kids. But we've gotten items that we're not interested in just to "fill" our Christmas bags. It's a huge waste of money.

I guess that's my frustration. I realize I'm lucky. But I fiind them doing things with us or with the other family separately is special in its own way. Our family travels differently than BIL's. We can't travel with them until our kids are older. So, just let things be and happen when they happen. If we're ready for a swingset and they're able to buy us one at a good price, I suppose that will be fine. But don't do it as a rush because of the sales when our yard and our DD are not ready. If we're ready to go to WDW, and you are able to come with, so be it. If not, there will be other trips. But to say you're taking my DD when potty-trained just because you took your GS when potty-trained, is not helping us to be parents.

And I have learned "to go with it." My SIL didn't like that they were buying the bikes and stuff, so I know that's in my future too. But big trips are different than gifts.