Etiquette Question

[irisbud]

I want to preface this by saying that I in no way hate FMIL. I like her well enough, though we have met only a handful of times and always over Christmas or during some other busy occassion. I say that because BF seems to think I hate his family

When we go down to Disney, we are doing the Escape wedding. We are planning to have three meals where all of our guests are invited to join us: a dinner at Chef Mickey's the evening before the wedding (Wednesday), lunch at the Grand Floridian Cafe immediatly following the Wedding (Thursday), and lunch at Biergarten on Saturday afternoon for anyone wishing to spend the day together in EPCOT.

I was playing around with stationary the other night and making invites to a lunch/mini golf outing that I wanted to host on Wednesday in the early afternoon (Same day as Chef Mickey's dinner). I wanted to do lunch at Whispering Canyon followed by mini golf at Wintersummerland (I have done Fantasia lots and want to try something new). My plan was that I would do ths basically for my side of the bridal party : my bridesmaid, my sister, and my other maid of honor. I also wanted to include the sister and mother of my bridesmaid (we are all VERY close, and my bridesmaid is basically representing all three of them. Her mom is like a second mother to me, KWIM) and my mother.

I wanted to do this because I am VERY high strung. I know that the day before the wedding (which this will be) will be a very difficult and stressful one for me. I wanted to do something with just the women I am very closest to and have a nice relaxing day.

BF threw a fit when I told him about this! He said that I was being rude to his mother and I was snubbing his whole family by leaving them out. I tried to explain to him that I was not doing that at all! These are only women I am VERY close to. None of my other female guests will be invited either, only those mentioned above (basically, my bridal party). If I have to invite his mother, I won't be as comfortable and relaxed. My whole goal was to RELAX and to have my girls with me so we could tie up any loose strings that needed tying. As I said, I like his mom, but I don't know her that well and we aren't close like this.

I am really not trying to be rude. We are having a group dinner (Welcome / rehearsal dinner) that evening at Chef Mickey's, so I thought that that would be enough. None of the other women in my group really know her either, so I think the spirit of fun and camaraderie I am going for would be dampened. This is SO important to me, because I know that I will be on the edge that day because that is how I am.

Am I rude, honestly? If it is rude (I know they won't be able to "see" my intentions, so maybe it is) how can I still make this happen without being rude? It is really important to me.

TIA

Amy

 

[Crystal824]

Do what you need to do to stay sane the day before the wedding. Tell him to consider this a bridesmaid luncheon. I didn't invite my FMIL to that just the bridesmaids.
Maybe he can plan something with his family for that afternoon. Perhaps, spend some time with his parents...just them.

 

[dawrobin]

When you say include "the sister"- do you mean his? If so, then I think it is rude to not inlcude the mother if other family members on his side are invited no matter how close you may be to her. However, if I am just reading it wrong, then position as a girl's day bachelorette type gathering. I would suggest that you are not excluding her, but for this you want to do your family and friends. But I would also suggest that would would enjoy going out to get a coffee or lunch before the wedding day on your own so she can feel somewhat included, and most importantly, you are paying attention to your DF feelings too.

While you are marrying him and not his family it sounds as if he clearly communicated his feelings to you and marriage is all about compromise.

That is what I would do. Good luck!!

 

[Gillian]

I think on the surface it could seem rude, because most bridal things are done with the men or the women in the bridal party, including parents unless it's a club or something. Is she the only one from the immediate family (even if they're all from your side) who is being excluded? I could see how it could be hurtful, as she will be part of your family soon.

That said, I can totally see why you want this outing with your close friends and family, and you will be doing a lot of group events with everyone.

The most important thing is to work it out with your DF, to help him understand where you're coming from and to see if there's something he can plan that will make his mom feel a part of things. Men who take care of their mothers generally make good husbands, but you have to find a balance.

Hey, my husband is great, but he's going to a wedding as his mother's guest (she's a widow). What can I do?

 

[irisbud]

Do what you need to do to stay sane the day before the wedding. Tell him to consider this a bridesmaid luncheon. I didn't invite my FMIL to that just the bridesmaids.
Maybe he can plan something with his family for that afternoon. Perhaps, spend some time with his parents...just them.

That is a good idea. I have tried pitching it to him as a need to stay sane (and telling him his mother does not want to see what a raving B@%&$ I can be if it comes to that (I hope it won't)) .

When you say include "the sister"- do you mean his? If so, then I think it is rude to not inlcude the mother if other family members on his side are invited no matter how close you may be to her. However, if I am just reading it wrong, then position as a girl's day bachelorette type gathering. I would suggest that you are not excluding her, but for this you want to do your family and friends. But I would also suggest that would would enjoy going out to get a coffee or lunch before the wedding day on your own so she can feel somewhat included, and most importantly, you are paying attention to your DF feelings too.

While you are marrying him and not his family it sounds as if he clearly communicated his feelings to you and marriage is all about compromise.

That is what I would do. Good luck!!

The sister is not his sister, but a sister of one of my bridesmaids, who is actually closer to my age but may have school commitments so she bowed out of the wedding party and has been replaced by her younger siister who will definitely be able to go. I really want to work this out (truly!). I was willing to do a lunch for everyone and then mini golf for just the guests I mentioned, but he thought that was rude as well

I think on the surface it could seem rude, because most bridal things are done with the men or the women in the bridal party, including parents unless it's a club or something. Is she the only one from the immediate family (even if they're all from your side) who is being excluded? I could see how it could be hurtful, as she will be part of your family soon.

That said, I can totally see why you want this outing with your close friends and family, and you will be doing a lot of group events with everyone.

The most important thing is to work it out with your DF, to help him understand where you're coming from and to see if there's something he can plan that will make his mom feel a part of things. Men who take care of their mothers generally make good husbands, but you have to find a balance.

Hey, my husband is great, but he's going to a wedding as his mother's guest (she's a widow). What can I do?

I thought that they might enjoy spending the day together, or he may enjoy some time with his entire family. No, there would be no family at all from their side, and no guests. The family and guests are all from my side.

Thanks ladies!

 

[Cutelittlekitty]

I don't think you're being rude at all & as you said you just wanted to do something for the girls in your side of the bridal party so instead of him saying that you're rude n that then why doesn't he do something for his side of the bridal party that way noone in the bridal party will be left out.

I'm thinking of doing a pamper day ( facial, massage, manicure & pedicure) the day be4 our wedding for the girls in my bridal party -My sister & her little girl & my very close friend & her little girl & my mum & myself. My fiance says that his mum wouldn't be into it but if she does wanna be pampered then that's fine by me.

I have said to my fiance about doing a pamper day for himself, his brother (best man) & my dad which i think my dad will like.

Good luck to you

 

[Lindsay22]

I thought that they might enjoy spending the day together, or he may enjoy some time with his entire family. No, there would be no family at all from their side, and no guests. The family and guests are all from my side.

I think this is the EXACT argument you should use with him.

"Darling, it's so important that you spend some quality time with your family alone during our wedding weekend. While I play mini golf with my girls it would be so special if you could do a special lunch/activity/whatever with your family"

 

[Island Mouse]

Since you aren't inviting anyone from his side of the family, I don't really think its rude for not inviting your FMIL. That being said, though, I see the potential for hurt feelings (probably what your DF sees too) by his mom if she feels left out from your little bridal get together. As a PP mentioned, I suggest that your DF plan a get together for his side of the family and wedding party. That way nobody is really left out. Or perhaps you can invite your FMIL to your party and use it as an opportunity to get to know her better and build a closer relationship with her. JMHO.

 

[irisbud]

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. You're right, I can see things both ways. I think that we will try and plan a little something for his side too, maybe then no one will feel left out.

Thanks again

 

[DisneyBrideToni]

I don't think that is rude at all. I know that sometimes when i am stressed out I need the people around me that I know are close to me to calm me. I am sure I will want to be with my mom, cousin and aunt the day before because I know we will have a great time and they will keep me sane. People all have different ways to relieve their stress and you have to do what you need to.

 

[WDWFAN9]

Honestly, as a MIL I think my feelings would be hurt if all the ladies in the bridal party got together and I wasn't included. I understand your reasons, but if you include your mom you should include his....JMO of course.

You mentioned that you've only had the chance to spend time with her at busy occasions, which all the wedding festivities certainly will be. This would be a wonderful opportunity to get to know the woman who raised the man you love a little bit better. Perhaps your DF would like some quality time with his family before the wedding, but if not, please consider at least including your FMIL in part of that day.

 

[Missy Mouse]

Truly, if you're hitting this major of a snag already then you both have some serious marital issues to work out before you take this any further. There is something deeper here for him to get so bent out of shape about his mother, and he's basically setting the tone for your entire future relationship with his family. Have you considered premarital counseling at all? No matter what you and your future hubby need to present a united front. Once you're married you are your own family.


If you've exhausted all your options, you could always call his mother up directly and talk with her about your feelings. You could say you wanted to talk about something over the trip, that you wanted your families to each have a day to spend together, and wanted her opinion because you don't want to hurt any feelings. I usually leave DF out of plans when they involve our families because it's so much easier to go to his mom. She's always honest with me and DF appreciates not having to worry about anything. It's up to you to make your relationship with your ILs as good or bad as you want it to be. Good luck and I hope you and DF are able to find a comfortable middle ground.

 

[irisbud]

I don't think that is rude at all. I know that sometimes when i am stressed out I need the people around me that I know are close to me to calm me. I am sure I will want to be with my mom, cousin and aunt the day before because I know we will have a great time and they will keep me sane. People all have different ways to relieve their stress and you have to do what you need to.

Thanks. I just know I will be crazy that day

Honestly, as a MIL I think my feelings would be hurt if all the ladies in the bridal party got together and I wasn't included. I understand your reasons, but if you include your mom you should include his....JMO of course.

You mentioned that you've only had the chance to spend time with her at busy occasions, which all the wedding festivities certainly will be. This would be a wonderful opportunity to get to know the woman who raised the man you love a little bit better. Perhaps your DF would like some quality time with his family before the wedding, but if not, please consider at least including your FMIL in part of that day.

Thanks, I appreciate having this point of view. I don't know if you saw, but earlier I talked about doing lunch with any ladies who cared to attend and then doing mini golf with just the ladies I mentioned at first. I know FMIL will not want to do mini golf at all, but that is not why I chose that activety (the rest of us love it (we are dorks )!)

I am not being catty at all when I ask this : from your POV as a MIL how would you feel about that situation (invited to lunch but not to minigolf, also invited to dinner that evening). I am genuinely interested. Thanks.

Truly, if you're hitting this major of a snag already then you both have some serious marital issues to work out before you take this any further. There is something deeper here for him to get so bent out of shape about his mother, and he's basically setting the tone for your entire future relationship with his family. Have you considered premarital counseling at all? No matter what you and your future hubby need to present a united front. Once you're married you are your own family.


If you've exhausted all your options, you could always call his mother up directly and talk with her about your feelings. You could say you wanted to talk about something over the trip, that you wanted your families to each have a day to spend together, and wanted her opinion because you don't want to hurt any feelings. I usually leave DF out of plans when they involve our families because it's so much easier to go to his mom. She's always honest with me and DF appreciates not having to worry about anything. It's up to you to make your relationship with your ILs as good or bad as you want it to be. Good luck and I hope you and DF are able to find a comfortable middle ground.

I like your suggestion. Yes, there is an "issue" there but I know what the "issue" is and I'll accept it in this case because it is part of him (I can't explain without giving TMI, but note that it IS unique to this WDW situation and is not a pervasive theme to our relationship. We have been in other situations like this and things have been fine. The trip is the underlying factor here). I think that contacting his Mom may be a good way to go about this.

Thanks ladies!

 

[Missy Mouse]

I like your suggestion. Yes, there is an "issue" there but I know what the "issue" is and I'll accept it in this case because it is part of him (I can't explain without giving TMI, but note that it IS unique to this WDW situation and is not a pervasive theme to our relationship. We have been in other situations like this and things have been fine. The trip is the underlying factor here). I think that contacting his Mom may be a good way to go about this.

Thanks ladies!

Including his mom's opinion on the trip is an excellent way to break down communication barriers. She's going to love the fact that you're coming to her and want her to feel included, and it shows you care about what she thinks. I KNOW she won't have a problem with this, whereas if you just up and leave with your family for activities she would probably have hurt feelings no matter what way you explained it to her. Presentation is everything. You may even want to ask her if there's anything special she wants to do while she's down there. This could be her one and only ttrip to Disney. You already know it's the most magical place on earth, now you get to show everyone else why.

 

[WDWFAN9]

Thanks, I appreciate having this point of view. I don't know if you saw, but earlier I talked about doing lunch with any ladies who cared to attend and then doing mini golf with just the ladies I mentioned at first. I know FMIL will not want to do mini golf at all, but that is not why I chose that activety (the rest of us love it (we are dorks )!)

I am not being catty at all when I ask this : from your POV as a MIL how would you feel about that situation (invited to lunch but not to minigolf, also invited to dinner that evening). I am genuinely interested. Thanks.

Ok, for me, if any and all of the ladies are included in the lunch invitation, but only "your" ladies are invited for the mini-golf then it is pretty much the same situation of leaving FMIL out. Of course, for all you know, FMIL might already have some plans in mind and this really isn't a dilemma after all.

I would encourage you to find a way to spend sometime with her and get to know her so that you are comfortable with her! I've had two MILs and love them dearly, not to take anything away from the wonderful relationship I had with my own mom.

And as a MIL - my son married his longtime girl friend, so we knew each other very well before the engagement became official. But my daughter - for some reason she hardly ever brought the guys she was dating around . With my now SIL I knew she was dating and that they were getting serious, but had only met him once or twice. He had told her before they became officially engaged he wanted to talk to her parents (her father and I have been divorced a long time). Ok, before this story gets too long let me get to the point.....one day he was picking her up from my house and after they had gone out to the car he came back in and said he needed to talk to me for a minute. He told me that he loved my daughter very much, and showed me the ring, and said he was going to surprise her with it at the zoo. He said he wished we knew each other better, but that would change with time. In the meantime he wanted me to know he thought the world of my DD and that he was the luckiest guy on earth to have found her. Well, needless to say, I got all teary-eyed, he got teary-eyed and our relationship today is great. I guess what I am saying is that you have an opportunity to reach out to your FMIL and build a great relationship. Whether you do that by inviting her to mini-golf, or in some other way, don't miss the opportunity to get to know her better.