drop in visitors from a distance

[npmommie]

would it bother you if someone just showed up for a visit from out of town? intending to stay at your house?
my brother just left a message for me that he is bringing our mom up here for a visit. they live 7 hours away. she is elderly, had hip surgery in january, doesn't get around well.

we have plans to go away over the weekend.
I feel like they should have asked me first and if he wants to bring her up here fine, but I need to know ahead and make plans.

we don't have an extra bedroom for her, so it means juggling room etc.
I am kind of annoyed that they feel that they can just do this.

this is not the first time either.
in the past my mom ( when she was driving herself) has just shown up here.

 

[Talking Hands]

would it bother you if someone just showed up for a visit from out of town? intending to stay at your house?
my brother just left a message for me that he is bringing our mom up here for a visit. they live 7 hours away. she is elderly, had hip surgery in january, doesn't get around well.

we have plans to go away over the weekend.
I feel like they should have asked me first and if he wants to bring her up here fine, but I need to know ahead and make plans.

we don't have an extra bedroom for her, so it means juggling room etc.
I am kind of annoyed that they feel that they can just do this.

this is not the first time either.
in the past my mom ( when she was driving herself) has just shown up here.

Leave him a message that you have plans and will not be home. How rude even if it is family. My daughters always call before coming and my oldest never assumes I will be available to babysit. She always asks me.

 

[Reddy]

I would be gone & door locked if this has happened before

 

[HM]

If you are supposed to be gone, there is no way I'd change my plans at the last minute for them. Tell them to stay there and come up next weekend instead (if that works). One of the things I'm trying to teach my kids is "plan ahead". (No sleepovers at the last minute, etc., they must be planned out.)

 

[npmommie]

Leave him a message that you have plans and will not be home. How rude even if it is family. My daughters always call before coming and my oldest never assumes I will be available to babysit. She always asks me.

I did leave a message. I said we have plans and that he should have asked me first.
my SIL called back and said they aren't coming that she suggested it to my brother because he has been helping my mom out a lot and she was to go their house for the weekend and my SIL wanted her to come here instead.

fine, but first of all, don't ask me the DAY you want to come.

 

[Uncle Remus]

would it bother you if someone just showed up for a visit from out of town? intending to stay at your house?
my brother just left a message for me that he is bringing our mom up here for a visit. they live 7 hours away. she is elderly, had hip surgery in january, doesn't get around well.

we have plans to go away over the weekend.
I feel like they should have asked me first and if he wants to bring her up here fine, but I need to know ahead and make plans.

we don't have an extra bedroom for her, so it means juggling room etc.
I am kind of annoyed that they feel that they can just do this.

this is not the first time either.
in the past my mom ( when she was driving herself) has just shown up here.

Repeat after me...No, that doesn't work for me.

 

[Goofyluver]

I did leave a message. I said we have plans and that he should have asked me first.
my SIL called back and said they aren't coming that she suggested it to my brother because he has been helping my mom out a lot and she was to go their house for the weekend and my SIL wanted her to come here instead.

fine, but first of all, don't ask me the DAY you want to come.

Ahhhh, so this wasn't for your mother, this was for your brother and SIL so they wouldn't have your mom for the weekend?

Yea, not okay. And even though they're not coming, I'd make sure to let 'em know that they need to approach you in a different way and with more notice next time.

 

[Sandy321]

reservations -

hotel!
for most of the drop in situations - I eta thinking at first post that they all were going to be staying with you - so all 3 could go to a hotel... not practical of course for just your mom...

I could understand if your brother is a caretaker and they need a break. I think it would be very difficult if you dont have room and have to juggle things, it doesnt sound like it would be a very pleasant visit.

 

[ols386]

I think that is rude of your brother and sil. I wouldn't like it, and I doubt that I'd change any plans that I had already made for the weekend. If they wanted to bring her, they should have called at least a few days in advance.

 

[Carly_Roach]

would it bother you if someone just showed up for a visit from out of town? intending to stay at your house?
my brother just left a message for me that he is bringing our mom up here for a visit. they live 7 hours away. she is elderly, had hip surgery in january, doesn't get around well.

we have plans to go away over the weekend.
I feel like they should have asked me first and if he wants to bring her up here fine, but I need to know ahead and make plans.

we don't have an extra bedroom for her, so it means juggling room etc.
I am kind of annoyed that they feel that they can just do this.

this is not the first time either.
in the past my mom ( when she was driving herself) has just shown up here.

If I'd made travel plans I'd be leaving a message for my brother that I'm going to be out of town until Tuesday. Hope he and Mom have a good time at the hotel pool.

Seriously, that just isn't done in our family. Calling first and making plans (and then confirming before you get on the road) was something our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and eons of ettiquette-following members of our family have always done. Unless it's an emergency, just showing up at someone's house doesn't mean they have to let you in (even if they're home).

I agree with Reddy: they'd arrive to find the house dark and the door locked. A very graphic lesson on the necessity of calling first to verify sleeping arrangements.

 

[PaulaSue]

I would just tell him sorry you already had plans and will be out of town. I would also say you will call when you get back and set up a time that suits all of you.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I did leave a message. I said we have plans and that he should have asked me first.
my SIL called back and said they aren't coming that she suggested it to my brother because he has been helping my mom out a lot and she was to go their house for the weekend and my SIL wanted her to come here instead.

fine, but first of all, don't ask me the DAY you want to come.

Agreed. Asking on the same day is rude.

However, if you DO want to give your brother a break, offer to take Mom on Labor Day weekend or something. My sister is a caretaker and I know how you feel about wanting to help out that caretaker sibling as much as you can when you can.

 

[AlaskaMOM]

We have family like that. And if we lived in the lower 48, closer to them, I'd not give them my address.

Many years ago DH's sister call up fairly early one morning (8 or 9 AM); a morning after returning from Disney. A long travel day for us:
Airport wait 2 hours
plane to SEA 5 hours
layover in SEA 2-3 hours
plane to Anchorage 4 hours
drive home from Anc 3 hours
Total travel time 16-17 hours!

She called to say there were at the airport in Anchorage and were asking for directions to our house!

I guess lucky for them we didn't return a day later, or them a day earlier!
We had invited them, an open invitation to come and visit sometime. But they never actaully said they were coming!

We did have them stay, but it wasn't as nice as if we'd have know; DH couldn't get anymore vacation time then.

AHHH Family, can't live w/o 'em.....

 

[shortbun]

I'd call, leave a message and say 'sorry bro, we aren't home!'

 

[minkydog]

would it bother you if someone just showed up for a visit from out of town? intending to stay at your house?
my brother just left a message for me that he is bringing our mom up here for a visit. they live 7 hours away. she is elderly, had hip surgery in january, doesn't get around well.

we have plans to go away over the weekend.
I feel like they should have asked me first and if he wants to bring her up here fine, but I need to know ahead and make plans.

we don't have an extra bedroom for her, so it means juggling room etc.
I am kind of annoyed that they feel that they can just do this.

this is not the first time either.
in the past my mom ( when she was driving herself) has just shown up here.

While I do appreciate a heads up, it wouldn't bother me if my sisters, brother or mom showed up unexpectedly. I hardly ever get to see any of them because they live over 7 hours away (DSis, my best friend, lives 2000+ miles away ) IMO, it's just more the merrier. If I had previous plans to go OOT I would cancel, if it was a minor trip. However, if it was something major I would keep my plans, stock my fridge, wash the towels and change the beds, then leave the key under the porch.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Of course this expectation was rude!!!
And, if the OP had any considerable plans, that should be respected.

But, I think I am seeing a lot more to this...
This is the OP's elderly mother...
A brother and sister-in-law seem to really need some respite care.
And, the title just says 'guests' from a distance....'
(I suppose I could just never see myself referring to a parent as 'a guest from a distance'????)

I don't see the OP communicating with her brother about when she might be able to have her mother for a visit... or to go there to help out...
(this might be the case... but if so, it has not been posted here)

I suppose I am just saying that there are two sides to every story.

Edited to add:
This is coming from a person who simply HATES any kind of 'drop-in'.... So I do empathize with the OP on that one, single, point.

 

[npmommie]

ok I am not alone in how I feel.!
I almost feel a little guilty. but I know I shouldn't

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like brother and his wife are getting a little bit of caregiver role strain and need a break. Now, I agree that this is something that needs to be discussed and decided. They can't just decide one day to drive up to your huose and drop heroff without letting you know. Keep in mind though that you live 7 hours away and they are there dealing with the day to day every day including her elderliness, her lack of mobility and her hip surgery.

Perhaps you could go to Mom's for a week somewhere along the way and give them a break?

 

[npmommie]

ok we have a plan to go there for a visit and they know this.
I should explain better, my mom lives by herself in her own home.
my brother stops over to help with yard work and taking out the garbage.
he takes her to the grocery store once a week.
she does not have dementia, she is just getting back to being more mobile since this surgery.
she can walk, she just doesn't feel comfortable driving herself just yet.
she goes out and about with her friends, and other relatives.


I have another brother who lives there also, he is retired, but he does not do as much for my mom as this brother.
because he has a son he is busy with. that is what he says.

so it is not like my mom has 24 hour nursing type care.
no. she is independent to a point. just needs little help

she does her own housecleaning, laundry etc.
she is just lonesome living alone. bottom line.
last fall my brothers had her try out an independent living apartment, not assisted living but they offered meals in a dining room, activities etc. but the apartments were independent.
anyway, she didn't like it there and after a couple months she moved back into her house.
now she says she is lonely.

 

[dislaney]

That wouldn't make me very happy either.