Drama always stems from one person...WHY?

[dawn1620]

I have a member of my husband's family that always wants to drum up some kind of drama. Everytime there is a big wave of emotional crap that comes up this person is at the root of it.

All because we refuse to be sat down like children and be preached at about what crappy parents we are, how we should be raising our child according to what they say, how we don't know our child emotionally and she is very unhappy..and so on. They try to call a "come to Jesus" meeting about every other month with my husband and myself for these reasons and more. And now apparently we are trying to keep DD away from them due to the most recent fight this person had with DH. Hello..you can see your granchild anytime you want..we have never said or acted otherwise.

It is just always some kind of drama just so they can be heard. If there is a family squabble this person will be at the root of it. We have a normally quiet placid household until something gets stirred up by this person. Mainly we ignore it which only fuels the attempts at getting attention even more. Speaking to them rationally, having a heart to heart....all have been fruitless. It's about them and their way or nothing at all. We have no problems listening to family concerns...but it can never be as simple as voicing a concern..it's an all or nothing "come to Jesus" meeting as described above.

This person has helped us greatly by babysitting, ect and we always make sure we tell them how greatful we are and always say thank you. But DH also does work for them on computers, ect so it is a 50/50 realationship in terms of doing each other favors, ect. And it is usually a pretty good fmaily relationship in general we have with this person until something like this gets stirred up and they are always at the root of it.

We are just a loss on what to do anymore. DH just wants to ignore it as usual because this is the only way to not get involved for days at a time in one of the dramas. Sorry to repeat myself and babble on but we just had one this morning with this person and I just needed to vent.

 

[laurafergie]

Sounds like this is your mother-in-law and since you said they are an all or nothing type of person (and DH wants to just ignore) - I think you're just going to have to deal unless can take the step to cut them out of your life.

Personally, I think life is too short - and the older I get, the less patience I have with that nonsense. I haven't had in-law problems, but I certainly cut my Grandfather out when he had temper tantrums in front of kids one time too many.I took a lot of grief for that from the rest of my family, but I felt he was being verbally abusive to me and my kids (and everyone else - it was excused because he was Grandfather) So I choose not to be around him.

Difficult people won't change - the only thing that will change is your reaction to them.Good luck.

 

[EllaM]

I had conflicts like this with an in-law. It got downright nasty too. I started just recognizing their difficult moods and distancing myself from them. If they started to argue something had to be their way I backed off or walked away. I'm not really fond of being alone with this person because I know we'll have a conflict moment. I'm not a follower by nature and don't take well to being dominated. But in a group situation there's plenty of distraction to weaken that Alpha dog syndrome.

 

[Disney Doll]

The best way to handle this is not to engage. And I don't mean skulk away. I mean directly say "I have no intention of dealing with this" and then change the subject and each time the other conversation comes up, you say "I have no intention of dealing with this" until they realize that you actually have no intention of dealing with it. In essence, your DH is correct in that if you ignore the behavior and don't fan the flames, the behavior wll stop. You don't let them walk all over you but you also don't engage in a back and forth with them.

You see, that "drama llama" behavior is manipulation. It is attention-seeking, manipulative behavior. Being at the center of the tempest garners them all sorts of attention. The way to handle manipulative behavior is to make your statement and then stick to it. You have to outlast them.

FTR, it sounds like this person has a lot of involvement in your life, which you may want to rethink if this behavior of theirs is going to be a problem for you. The less they know of your personal life and day to day business, the less they'll have to "talk" to you about. Believe me, it works. DH has a crazy manipulative sister and this is how we handle her and she has been quite well-behaved aorund us as result, because here is no engagement, she knows that if we say we are not discussing something then we are not discussing it and if she attempts to force us to discuss it, the conversation is over. I have been known to say "You have heard my decision on that issue, you continue to try and badger me about it, this conversation is over, goodbye" and the next sound she hears is the dialtone. Do that a few times and they learn...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just echoing DD. You are dealing with a control freak. They are used to getting their way because what they do works for them with most people.

As DD says there is nothing you can do to change them. They only thing you can do is change yourself and how you deal with them. Be short & direct.

I would not allow unsupervised visits with someone who is like that. Anyone who wants to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with me over my parenting skills will not be alone with my child ever.

That is just my 2cents there.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

Sounds like this is your mother-in-law and since you said they are an all or nothing type of person (and DH wants to just ignore) - I think you're just going to have to deal unless can take the step to cut them out of your life.

Personally, I think life is too short - and the older I get, the less patience I have with that nonsense. I haven't had in-law problems, but I certainly cut my Grandfather out when he had temper tantrums in front of kids one time too many.I took a lot of grief for that from the rest of my family, but I felt he was being verbally abusive to me and my kids (and everyone else - it was excused because he was Grandfather) So I choose not to be around him.

Difficult people won't change - the only thing that will change is your reaction to them.Good luck.

Best advice ever, and words I really needed to hear today as well.

Sending you hugs, OP.

 

[BLTtinkerbell]

My DH's family can be like this too. Sorry you have to deal w/this. I try to ignore their rude, judgemental behavior, but it is hard sometimes. Good luck.

 

[dawn1620]

Yup, it's the MIL.

I did this with my dad years ago and did it with my MIL today..basically just told her to cut the crap or the conversations will be over. I usually ignore most of it but today I had my fill and basically told her that I could not take her drama anymore. I told her that whenever her & DH have a fight I don't want to hear about it from her. Also, that if she thinks we would ever keep her away from her only grandchild then she is out of her mind. I just turned things around...she has a tendancy to act like the victim and flip things around so she seems that way but I basically told her today to again..cut the crap. Also told her that if she does not like or approve of the way DH & I parent our DD then she can lump it, not her decision or judgement to make...you could hear her hair sizzle from the heat coming off her head when I laid that one on her.

Told her she can see DD when she likes as long as we don't have anything going on and from now on if she and DH have a fight they are two adults and can solve it amongst themselves and not to involve me. I also told her not to ever try to drag DD into it ever again.

I'm sure she is plenty mad but it's been 14 years coming. I always tried to keep the peace but for some reason now I don't give a crap about her antics anymore. I don't feel better, don't feel worse...just can't put up with it anymore.

And I agree with the postings...control freak, drama llama...all that is correct. She wants to control everyone and everything around her. I used to get annoyed but lately I kind of pity that kind of person. Who could be happy like that? DH and I are so easy-going usually and we are two very happy individuals together and with our DD. Everyone has problems and we work through them and get passed things. This is the kind of person who keeps a tally board of things she does for you so she can use it "against" you in the future. I was raised by my parents that you do something for someone out of the goodness of your heart and no thank you required. THis person not only wants a thank you written in blood but for you to remember it always. Sad really.

She is just like her late mother...seems like the early workings of senility...which I kind of feel bad for her. It just seems like she comes up with this stuff in her head that is so far from the truth it's not funny. I told DH we'll have to watch her with DD because I"m just afraid of what she may be saying to or around her.

 

[castleview]

Just say NO. You'll catch flack first, but it will eventually stop. Some people are just toxic and although cutting off family seems cold, sometimes you have to realize it's not worth stressing yourself out and putting your own family through that crap. As one poster said "don't have time for that nonsense."

 

[dawn1620]

Well cutting her off is not going to happen but cutting the crap down is definitely going to happen.

I could go my whole life not conversing but with DH & DD it's not a possibility..need to think of them.

 

[MinnieTink]

My MIL used to pull this stuff too. I used to be a doormat and let her get away with things. Kept my mouth shut. Even after my DDs feelings were really hurt by her. There were many petty things she would hold grudges about toward us...When other members of the family were cranking out some whoppers. One day I had had enough. It all came pouring out. I didn't curse or yell. I just told the truth. I don't think many people in MILs life tell it like it is. She has been relatively well behaved since then. I was not looking to push her out of our lives, it's my MIL, for better or worse, but she had to be told to stop with her toxic 'tude or she would see a lot less of us.