donations to charity instead of bday gifts?

[asktriplets]

Hey all.

Do you think there is ever a polite way to suggest on an invitation that kids can bring a donation to a children's hospital (crayons or markers, in this case), but "no presents, please" to a child's birthday party?

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[SalandJeff]

I think this is a very nice idea. Maybe just put some small wording at the bottom of the invite, something like:


No gifts please. If you'd like to bring something, we are collecting boxes of crayons and markers for XYZ Children's Hospital.

 

[Scurvy]

I think the only way to politely suggest a gift is if someone actually asks you what your child would want. It's really not considered polite to offer the information unless someone requests it, but if they ask and you prefer something like a donation, there's nothing wrong with telling them that.

 

[shortbun]

My son and his friends did this several times while they were in their pre-teens. We chose Heifer Intl and Homeless Families Foundation. We asled for the donation on the invitation and had a jar at the party for people to put their checks or cash. We took care of the donation OR we told people they could do their own. That's the way the other families handled theirs too. We just said, 'In lieu of gifts, we respectfully request that donations be made to .... None of us ever thought this rude and no one was judged if they did not participate.

 

[bicker]

I was always taught that gifts should be something that the celebrant should appreciate. So if someone gave me a gift that was a donation to one of the charities that I feel very strongly about, that would be very appropriate. By contrast, giving me a gift that the gift-giver feels strongly about wouldn't be appropriate. In the OP's scenario, who feels strongly about the mentioned charities? The child who is the birthday celebrant? or the child's parent? If the latter, then forgo the recommendation and let things fall as they may.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How old are the kids? And are you expecting family to donate? I would not ask my own family for donations.

 

[Pigeon]

I think the only way to politely suggest a gift is if someone actually asks you what your child would want. It's really not considered polite to offer the information unless someone requests it, but if they ask and you prefer something like a donation, there's nothing wrong with telling them that.

This.

Personally, I also think that if you are going to do this, it should be the child's idea, not the parent's idea. I ask my immediate family to "give" me a goat or a sheep from Heifer International for Christmas. However, I think in general, donating to a charity in someone's name is NOT a gift unless you are sure it is what the person in question really wants. I think it's a crummy thing to do to a kid for their birthday, unless of course it is the child's idea and they aren't having their arm twisted by the parent.

 

[Angelhalo]

I think it is a nice idea but in my experience, no one has ever donated anything, they just say "Hooray I don't have to buy a gift!" Which then ends up making me sad that no one donated so now I just say, no gifts please!

 

[zoemurr]

I think it is a nice idea but in my experience, no one has ever donated anything, they just say "Hooray I don't have to buy a gift!" Which then ends up making me sad that no one donated so now I just say, no gifts please!

I have done this 7-8x between my 2 kids and almost everyone brings something.. some are very generous.

We write something like this..

*No gifts please" (however a homemade card woud be nice). It is our tradition to share with others on our birthdays. This year we will be bringing x to y if you would like to contribute items that we will donate in N's name."

We donate to the local Ronald McDonald House. They make a big fuss over the kids when we drop stuff off.

We do very big friend parties and I just can't have 15 more pieces of junk. My kids can choose a very small party with gifts instead, but they always go for the big one without presents.

 

[mrsv98]

Hey all.

Do you think there is ever a polite way to suggest on an invitation that kids can bring a donation to a children's hospital (crayons or markers, in this case), but "no presents, please" to a child's birthday party?

Thanks for your thoughts.

We did this for DD's 7th bday and it was a big success! She wanted a whole class party at Chuck E Chesse but I did not think my spoiled rotten only child needed 25 presents on top of her family party. So we compromised. She is a huge animal lover so we chose two charities. We asked for physical donations for the Save A Pet shelter and provided a list of items or money/check for the Hooved Animal Humane Society.

All the parents thought it was a great idea. We collected a huge box of donations and about $100 for HAHS. For her thank you card, I took a picture of her surrounded by all the donations so people could see how generous everyone was.

The weekend after the party, we took the donations out to Save A Pet and they were great in making a big deal of her good deed. We then had to visit every single dog in the place!

At the party, some people did bring a little something for DD but most people stuck to the plan.

It worked really well for us for two reasons: 1) we included a short letter in the invitations explaining what we were doing and why and 2) we gave people a choice in what to bring. Many people commented that it was fun getting stuff for the puppies and really, since many items were things like old blankets and paper towels, it could be very inexpensive for them.

I a big believer in fostering empathy so I think it is a great idea! (Wow, that was really long winded!)

 

[asktriplets]

Thanks for the opinions and thoughts.

We've gotten a few kid party invitations with donation suggestions ("Johnny is collecting XXX--stuffed animals, books, etc--- to help kids in need at XXXX. If you'd like to help him with his donation, you can bring XXXX", or something along those lines), and I always thought it was a great idea because it got the kids involved in the donating process. My kids went out and bought something for someone that actually had a need.

For those that commented that it should be the kid's idea, I hear what you are saying. My kids knew going into this year's kid party that it would be a "no gifts" event (which is fairly common around here...I'd say about a third of parties they go to is "no gifts"), though, so they aren't crushed. The charity that I am thinking about is one that we donate to as a family because we have a close connection to it, so while it isn't their idea per se, it's one that they are familiar with donating to.

To those of you that said that it isn't polite to discuss gifts, I agree that Miss Manners wouldn't approve, which is why I'm struggling with the wording and/or doing it. I KNOW plenty of people do this and I myself am happy when my kids are the recipients of such invitations, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable doing it (which is why I was asking for opinions).
Part of my reasoning for considering suggesting a donation to our Children's Hospital is because my daughter was just there this past month as a patient (and most of the kids who are coming are aware of this), so making a gift to those kids that were so much sicker than she was is something that our family talks about A LOT.

Hmmm....thanks again for the thoughts.

 

[asktriplets]

We do very big friend parties and I just can't have 15 more pieces of junk. My kids can choose a very small party with gifts instead, but they always go for the big one without presents.[/QUOTE]

Exactly. Our initial invitation list was 50+ kids (we are doing a combined party), and my kids KNOW that they don't need 50 more toys in the house (most are communal toys).

Thanks for the wording suggestion.

 

[WDSearcher]

Hey all.

Do you think there is ever a polite way to suggest on an invitation that kids can bring a donation to a children's hospital (crayons or markers, in this case), but "no presents, please" to a child's birthday party?

Thanks for your thoughts.

I do it all the time. We collect for the local humane society, local teacher charity, book drives, etc. I let the birthday child choose who they want to help, and then send out an invite that says something like, "In lieu of gifts, Susie would like all her friends to bring a donation for the local humane society. They are particularly in need of canned pet food for their shelter, but any donation for pets will be appreciated. Thanks!"

The party normally carries the same theme. For the Humane Society party, we had "Pin the Whiskers on the Cat" and "Run Rabbit Run" as two of the games, did color and craft activities that were pet-friendly (making felt blankets for dogs and cats, baking dog biscuits, etc) and everyone received stuff like little cat shaped erasers and "dog tags" in their goody bags. We even had the local Police K9 officer come with one of the dogs, and an Animal Control officer came with one of the therapy dogs they use. It was great and the kids loved it! (In the case of animals, you do have to be careful about allergies, and I noted on the invite that "Real animals will be present", but we have a dog and two cats anyway, so most of the parents had no problem.)

 

[WDSearcher]

I think the only way to politely suggest a gift is if someone actually asks you what your child would want. It's really not considered polite to offer the information unless someone requests it, but if they ask and you prefer something like a donation, there's nothing wrong with telling them that.

I don't agree with that. People suggest gifts all the time. It's the whole concept behind bridal and shower registries!

In the OP's case, it's not like she's saying, "Susie collects American Girl dolls and would like you to buy her something from the 'Felicity' collection." She's saying, "Instead of a gift, please bring a donation to XYZ charity." The OP isn't "suggesting a gift", they're letting the parents of the invited kids know that there will be NO gifts, but that donations to XYZ charity would be appreciated.

 

[mamamary]

My dd was invited to her friend's party. On the invit. it said something like "if you would like to give a gift please bring a donation to the party for the humane society". My dd is a huge animal lover so we went and bought a bunch of stuff. On the thank you card that she received a week later it was a pic. of the b'day girl at the shelter surrounded by all the great donations she collected.

Also, my son was invited to his friend's b'day party. On the invit. it basically said the same as the above plus something like whatever was collected his mom would bring as many gifts to the shelter also. For this one I sent a check and I know his mom doubled the check to the shelter.

 

[Scurvy]

I don't agree with that. People suggest gifts all the time. It's the whole concept behind bridal and shower registries!

In the OP's case, it's not like she's saying, "Susie collects American Girl dolls and would like you to buy her something from the 'Felicity' collection." She's saying, "Instead of a gift, please bring a donation to XYZ charity." The OP isn't "suggesting a gift", they're letting the parents of the invited kids know that there will be NO gifts, but that donations to XYZ charity would be appreciated.

I agree, that's definitely the concept behind bridal and shower registries, and there's nothing wrong with those . . . unless you're giving that information to people who haven't asked for it. The same goes for Amazon wishlists and things like that. There isn't anything wrong with offering suggestions when someone has told you they want suggestions. To offer them when someone hasn't asked, though, is generally considered rude. You aren't supposed to assume someone will be getting you a gift at all, much less be seen as trying to dictate what that gift is. By saying "Instead of a gift, please bring a donation to XYZ charity" you are not only assuming that someone would otherwise have brought a gift (which you might be privately assuming, but you really are supposed to maintain the polite fiction that gifts aren't necessary or expected) but you are also trying to dictate what people do bring.

 

[AndreaDM]

We went to a 5 year olds bday party last year and the invitation said something like this, "our family has been incredibly blessed, so instead of presents Little Suzy is collecting canned food items to donate to the food bank where she volunteers with her mother". The thank you cards were also of her surrounded by the piles of donated food, still have it on my fridge and it makes me smile.

 

[Pooh Crew]

My triplets just turned 11 yesterday!

Anyway to your question, in small print on the invitations, we wrote something along the lines of this:

As I'm sure you can imagine, three children all getting birthday presents at once this close to Christmas is a little overwhelming. We'd really love it if you would just come celebrate with us. This year, a,b, and c have chosen to donate any gifts received to the Anytown Toy Drive for underprivileged children. If you'd like to bring something for the toy drive, we'll gladly deliver it! Hope to see you all at the party!

And then I spread the word through very close friends that we REALLY did not want gifts. Almost everyone invited showed up (everyone from all three classes) and we collected a ton of toys for the toy drive. No one brought gifts for our kids and it was a huge success. I say go for it!

 

[LukenDC]

I think this is a very nice idea. Maybe just put some small wording at the bottom of the invite, something like:


No gifts please. If you'd like to bring something, we are collecting boxes of crayons and markers for XYZ Children's Hospital.

Your wording is very tactful and reasonable. It makes the donation sound optional and the suggested items are inexpensive. A children's hospital is also a non-controversial institution that appeals to a diverse range of people.

 

[Angelhalo]

I have done this 7-8x between my 2 kids and almost everyone brings something.. some are very generous.

We write something like this..

*No gifts please" (however a homemade card woud be nice). It is our tradition to share with others on our birthdays. This year we will be bringing x to y if you would like to contribute items that we will donate in N's name."

We donate to the local Ronald McDonald House. They make a big fuss over the kids when we drop stuff off.

We do very big friend parties and I just can't have 15 more pieces of junk. My kids can choose a very small party with gifts instead, but they always go for the big one without presents.

I'm sure it works for some people. It's a great idea. It just doesn't work with my friends in my experience.