Does your family hold your children to a higher standard.....???

[Grendalynn]

Does your family hold your children to a higher standard than other kids in your family?


My DH's does and boy am I MAD!! We just had a little family get together this afternoon with my BIL and his family and I am still stewing over it! My kids should do no wrong while his little darlings are instigating and monopolizing eveything in sight! I am probably blowing things out of proportion but I am still hot under the collar - can you tell? DH and I fougt about it all evening .....

Here is 2 examples: 1)Our DS#3 - who is 5 months falls a sleep on Daddys shoulder. OK - Clean, dry bum, full belly and a comfy snuggle - he should sleep for quite a while. Until Dear Niece (DN) wants to see baby and crawls up on Uncles Lap. "Awww kiss the Baby" SIL says and "Oh I think some one is jealous! ha ha" Less than 10 minutes later - guess who's awake!?? [/B] BUT When DN1 goes up and goes to bed for her Nappy Nap - guess what, the house shuts down, the older kids are sent down stairs and no one is allowed to speak above regular conversation leval! Are you kidding me??

2) DN5 is obsessed with our 8 year old. I mean she cannot get enough of him. DS actually gets annoyed with it. He just wants to be aboy and do his own thing and she is on him like glue. Our DS4 is left out - alone to play by himself. While DS8 is aware that this happens on a regular basis, he has been told by us not to let it happen - to include his younger brother in things. Doesn't work. Sneakly DN5 doesn't include DS4 in anything, DS4 gets board playing with girl toys and gets bored. Bored 4 year old = crankyness and other Boyish things to happen - crashing barbie cars and what not into each other. A real NO NO apparently, as he got scolded and spoken to for being lound and destructive. So on our way out, DS8 gets praised for being a Great boy and DS4 is marked as a handful.

WHAT! I am so done with that! I know - I know - People are going to flame me for not speaking up on behalf of my kids, but I do - I did! I spoke my peace by saying - If ds4 cannot play with you and your XXX, then find somthing to fo that you all can play. No responce from BIL or SIL. DN5 shoves DS4 away from his little brother and says, Don't get in his face like that! I chime in and say, its OK, DS4mo likes that - he does it all the time. I offen remind DS8 to include his brother and play nicely.

Is it worth making waves and speaking to BIL and SIL or is it just as easy to remove ourselves from the situation and not put us or our kids in that situation to begin with? I hate that our kids should do no wrong and should appease everyonelse, than they should stick up for themselves and let Dn's rule the roost??!! Don't get me wrong, I know my kids aren't perfect, and I would never claim they are. But c'mon - AHHH! No flames please, just insight, support and encouragment!

 

[Grendalynn]

I have cooled off since my little rant last night. However this is something that has gone on since oldest DS was little. It just urkes me and I a not quite sure whatto do. No flames please.

 

[DeeDeeDis]

Dont say anything, it won't do any good and will just create more tension with the adults.

The kids will get older and this will pass. They are family, if possible limit the lenght of yur stay. When they put your DN down for her nap, you can be the super considerate SIL and insist quite cheerfully of course and with lots of hugs & kisses that it is time to pack up and leave so you dont "distrub" her rest.

Your dn may be a little snot but be honest you know its not right for your 4 year old to smash her toys together, maybe you could bring some of his own toys to play with when she pulls this, like a set drums

 

[seashoreCM]

My thoughts for this morning (2/19/07)

Wade in and separate the toys from DS4 before he can accomplish much (or any) damage but do not scold him during or after the visit.

Wade in and observe and manage the children so that DS4 is playing together or playing separately as you see fit.

DS0 (5 mo.; DS0.417 if you insist) on DH's shoulder is currently the object of DH's affection. If DH wanted to hog all of and limit his affection to DS0 he would have gotten up and gone upstairs as DN started to crawl up his leg. If you wanted DS0 to go and stay nappy rather than be the object of DH's affection you could have gone over and taken DS0 upstairs.

>>> Does your family hold your children to a higher standard than other kids in your family?
Does DS8 want to be with DS4, DN5, both, or neither? How does the standard you are holding DS8 to compare with the standard you are holding DS4 to?

Disney hints:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

 

[mrsg00fy]

No flames here. I think I understand where you are coming from.
There are no easy solutions. We have a similar situation and rather than deal with the annoyance and stress...we just get together with that particular family as little as possible. Even my kids don't want to get together with these cousins.

 

[Hannathy]

I wish I could give you wonderful words of wisdom but I can't. This has been happening with my DH's family since my kids were born. My DH's brother's kids can do absolutely no wrong and are so smart, perfect, talented! They use my MIL to the point it isn't funny and if my kids so much as ask Granma to read them a book then they get told they shouldn't bother her because she is old, tired, sick etc. but princess can walk in and DEMAND Gr.ma cook her special food because she didn't like the food at home and my MIL will cook her food at like 8 at night long after dinner and this is cute because she likes Gr.ma's food so much....... UGH. I have many more examples. including the fact that my DS is only 6 mos older than the "baby" but she is treated like a toddler and he gets told he is to old to expect granma to hold him or to act that way etc. I have had so many arguments with my DH over this and I try to not let it bother me but it is easier said than done! The best part is my DD is now 15 and she has been aware of it for several yrs and is definitely becoming quite jaded toward them so it may come back to haunt them, of course they will still have the perfect princesses so it may not matter! Good Luck and I'm sorry.

 

[wendy46001]

Might i suggest bringing a board game or craft that the older and younger kids can play together...that way your older child can control the play environment...either that or maybe bring along a DVD for DS4 to watch if he keeps getting excluded…

I do think DS8 can do a little more to include little bro... the you and your brother are a team speech should be made…

Also i like the idea of packing up and leaving when DN is put down for a nap...there is really no need to hang around and be silent if you kids are awake and wanting to play

 

[surfgirl]

I also vote for the 'say nothing'. The kids will grow out of the issues, but you'll be labelled as the troublemaker.

Can you bring something really cool for the DS4 that he would be interested in playing with alone and not get bored ?

Could you pull your DS8 away beforehand and enlist his help. Might even be worth a small bribe ?

Use this as your opportunity to play with your kids and get away from annoying adults ?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I can totally understnad how you feel. No flames here. If it were me I would do one of a few things. I would limit my time with them. I would not go to their house but invite them to mine. My house my rules. I would make sure my son knew ahead of time that he must include his brother or we will be going home. I know that sometimes kids want to play alone, but in this situation I would not consider this an option. If my son was crashing the barbie cars etc. I would point out that since nobody wanted to include him he was just doing the things that he does with his own toys. No I don't think he should be destructive, but playing "crash and burn" isn't destructive, my boys play it with their matchbox cars all the time. If my DN got fresh and reprimanded my kids I would very nicely point out to her that it isn't nice to talk to her cousins that way. We all love each other and speaking like that could make someone feel bad. If she doesn't like it then too bad. If BIL and SIL don't like it then oh well. I wouldn't have a talk with BIL and SIL I would just supervise the situation. I know others have said that as the kids get older they will see the relatives for what they are, but from experience, it doesn't make you feel any better. I am sorry you have to deal with this and I hope you find a solution.

 

[ilovejack02]

I kinda vote for say nothing and just dont go over there. I have a cousin that i adore but their oldest child drives me insane. He is pushy and rude and pushes around my child. Their youngest child is nothing like that. We are a very very close family, but i just limit my time with them now and it has worked out fine. I will say that now that the boys are a tad older it seems to be getting better.

 

[mom2aredhead]

Where was the get together? At BIL/SIL house or at MIL's house? I notice sometimes in my DH family, the kids that belong to my SIL are held in a little higher regard than my BIL's kids. (fortunately my DS is much younger than all of them so there's no comparison between him and any of the other kids - whew!)
Also, you have boys and SIL has girls. Even at this young age (no flames please) people sometimes expect boys to tiptoe around the needs of the girls so as not to upset them. Happens in my family all the time with my niece. It's perfectly OK for her to grab things out of my DS hands, but when he wants to play with her things, he's reminded not to make her cry. They're less than a year apart, so it's not a big kid/baby thing.
Good luck! Such is life with inlaws.

 

[seashoreCM]

I have a cousin that i adore but their oldest child drives me insane. He is pushy and rude and pushes around my child. .

Time for you to step in and manage. Stand up for your child, close-knittedness comes second.

IIf my son was crashing the barbie cars etc. I would point out that since nobody wanted to include him he was just doing the things that he does with his own toys. No I don't think he should be destructive, but playing "crash and burn" isn't destructive,

The last clause is false.
Time for you to step in and manage. See that nobody is left out or bring about whatever you think the playing situation should be.

It's perfectly OK for her to grab things out of my DS hands,.

Another false sentence.

Children like the bratty teen in the Tigger case end up that way because of lack of management.

 

[ilovejack02]

Time for you to step in and manage. Stand up for your child, close-knittedness comes second.

Trust me i do stand up for him, it just gets old having to tell the kid, quite pushing Jack, dont talk to me like that etc... etc... etc... My cousins dont say anything if i correct him so its not like im making them mad. BUT one day i can see im gonna freak out on the kid and its just easier if we dont hang with them quite as much and def better when its at our house.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

The last clause is false.
Time for you to step in and manage. See that nobody is left out or bring about whatever you think the playing situation should be.

I agree mostly with what you are saying, but sometimes you have to let a scenario play out for a bit for the adults to get it. It seems from what the OP posted that the DN doesn't seem to quite get it and neither do the parents. Maybe if it is so blatant they will have no choice but to address the problem. I do agree with monitoring the situation but sometimes I feel like, well I have told you over and over but you did not want to include little Johnny here so too bad so sad that you are now interested in his game. It's so hard with kids but I also do agree that I stand up for my kids first and don't care about rocking the boat. JMHO. You make many good points though.

 

[Grendalynn]

Thanks o so much for all of your valid points. I very much agree with all or most of you. We do not visit their home much and will be limiting our time when we are there. And for the record, I do speak to DN5. I have no quams with that - It gets old when I am the only one doing the repremanding to both sets of kids, and they mostly speak to mine. I did and we do have "the little talk" with DS8 about including DS4, sometimes he seems to be overuled by the princess. And just when we think its OK to go back to their house, we are quickly reminded why we try not to frequently visit. We often invite them to our house for football and such and they dont come over. I guess we should take that page from their book. I am sure it will get easier and better as the kids get older; or so we hope. Unfortunatly its going to be a hard fall off that pedestal. Being that this is DH's brother and his wife - its different boundries than if it were my sisters family. Taboo, I know. I am glad that we choose to keep our mouths closed and not make any more waves than necessary. I was just so floured last night when we got home that I had to vent and DH was sikc of listening to me rant. Thansk so much - You guys arethe best!

 

[Ilovefozzie]

To the OP, I have a similar situation with my nephew. My mom is raising him and has for several years. (At this point I don't understand why...but that is another whole issue.) Mom claims that she loves my kids exactly the same as the nephew, but somehow they are always left behind.

One example...last christmas, she called to tell me that she didn't have ANY money to afford presents for my kids in addition to their birthday gifts. (their b-days are right around xmas). So could she buy them just one gift for both events. I agreed, knowing what her situation is. I then sat down with my children and explained. A week later I got another phone call from mom asking me to get online and order a $100 toy for the nephew and charge it to her card because the nephew "needs" it. She just finished explaining that she was all done shopping the week before.

My children have learned where they rank with grandma. The whole situation sadness me more than I can possibly explain. We just go on as best we can and have my family participate as little as possible. (they all live between an hour and ten hours away) The situation keeps me up nights in tears. But I had to decide between having my kids around that all the time, knowing that their cousin will alway come first or letting the inlaws take more and more active part. Letting them know just how much they are loved and how special they are.

I hate to agree with the thought of "let it go", but that is what I'm doing myself. Good luck!

 

[aterriq]

I was just so floured last night when we got home that I had to vent and DH was sikc of listening to me rant. Thansk so much - You guys arethe best!

Sadly, your DH may have had to live with this family favoritism his whole life. It might be nothing new and he can't change it.

Your kids see it and will make their own decision about their relatives.

 

[lady9]

I vote for say nothing for now, your time will come-it did for me and even though I am ashamed of my behavior, it felt so GOOD!! My MIL has always favored her daughter's children over her son's and my children. She decided to take them on a Disney cruise. Mind you, I wouldn't let her take my children out of the city let alone out of the country! My 2 kept asking why they weren't going on a Disney cruise. My MIL sat there with a smirk on her face. She, I feel, deliberately wanted to let us know that she favored them. Finally, I got tired of hearing my children ask why they weren't going so I finally said, "Because Grammy didn't invited you." That wiped the smirk off her face, set a real ugly tone for the evening, so we left. It has been 7 weeks since we last heard from them and sad to say, my DH doesn't care. My children are bless with all 4 grandparents living and I want them to have a relationship will all of them but that is a 2 way street.

So hang in there. Be kinder than I was. You don't want to jeopardize family relationships.

 

[suffolkprincess]

Am I right that you have three boys and they have two girls? cause if so-- I bet that might be part of the problem right there. In my extended family there was always a LOT of favoritism shown to the girls and it is very sad because to this day the boys resent those relatives for it. Just do what my mom did-- and build up your boys! Tell them how great they are and how proud you are of them before, during, and after the whole mess. (As appropriate.) AND set your 4 year old up for success by letting him bring something he likes to play with so he won't be so lonely.

I sympathize!

 

[seashoreCM]

In my extended family there was always a LOT of favoritism shown to the girls and it is very sad because to this day the boys resent those relatives for it. ! !

How about more attention to your boys even at the expense of skimping on those relatives, for example omitting a taking-them-back-out-to-dinner so you can treat your boys to something special, say at the toy store or so you can subsidize the gifts they buy for the relatives at Christmas time.