Does the Pain & Hurt go away?

[TRUFFLES13]

DH has had some problems, plus he has been cheating on me, I though it was over, well it isn't. Every word that comes out of his mouth to me is a lie.

I am so tired of feeling miserable. Does the pain ever go away? Will I ever get to a day where I won't care anymore?

 

[kdibattista]

 

[Tiggeroo]

yes the pain will go away. But it won't start until you get in a stable safe space. Have you decided whether there is any chance of salvaging the marriage. Are dh's problems something that can be fixed or is he just a selfish jerk.
To help get some peace go see a counselor and a lawyer.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

DH has had some problems, plus he has been cheating on me, I though it was over, well it isn't. Every word that comes out of his mouth to me is a lie.

I am so tired of feeling miserable. Does the pain ever go away? Will I ever get to a day where I won't care anymore?

I am so sorry.

 

[Castlebound]

If the problem is still there then the pain will still be there. It can't get better if you keep getting hurt.

 

[TRUFFLES13]

The problems can be fixed, but he is just being a selfish jerk. He is bipolar, but does nothing to help it. He keeps saying that he feels like he has no direction in life (work) and once he figures that out that everything else will fall in place.

I have offered marriage counselor, and going with him to a Dr. in regards to his bipolar. But he wants no part of it.

Why can't I just get past the fact that this is how it is, why does he one day care and want to be with me & DS, but the next goes off and does his own thing?

Thanks for listening -

 

[Tiggeroo]

because he's bipolar. However bipolar people often refuse help. They want help when they're in one phase but being manic often feels good. And in my experience they don't like the person who burst the crazy world they are creating in their mind. They don't want to know about the fallout they are creating. Go get help yourself. You need to put some sort of plan in place where he gets help or gets out. Perhaps a counselor who works with bipolar people can help you to come up with the best way to present things to encourage him to get help. If he's not getting help he's also probably self-medicating with alcohol or other substances. That further complicates the issues.

 

[disneymom3]

My honest opinion from a total outsider who doesn't know the whole story is that if he will not go to a Dr for help for his condition and will not go to a marriage counselor (and that is even bigger for me than the Dr.) then he is not investing anything in saving your marriage and you need to break it off. That may be a wake up call for him, it may not, but I personally could not stay with someone who cheated and was not expressing the most extreme repentence imaginable AND without seeing a therapist ASAP. For myself, I would have to get out--more acurately kick him out--as I refuse to be treated with so little honor and respect.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

The problems can be fixed, but he is just being a selfish jerk. He is bipolar, but does nothing to help it. He keeps saying that he feels like he has no direction in life (work) and once he figures that out that everything else will fall in place.

I have offered marriage counselor, and going with him to a Dr. in regards to his bipolar. But he wants no part of it.

Why can't I just get past the fact that this is how it is, why does he one day care and want to be with me & DS, but the next goes off and does his own thing?

Thanks for listening -

Sweetie, it's time to take care of yourself. You can't make someone want help, but you can help yourself.

 

[missypie]

Advice from one who has been there: The pain will start to diminish about 24 hours after you kick him the heck out the door!!!!

One July my first husband started saying, "Wouldn't it be fun to be single again?" I was so dense that it took me a few more months to realize he was cheating. Believe it or not, I lived with him for about 16 months after I knew he was cheating. (STUPID!!!) We were members of this fundamentalist church at the time, which contributed to my stupidity.

All the while, he was manipulating me...saying things like "No one will ever love you like I do." I felt terrible...like such a loser. FINALLY, he left me, to move away to be with his sweetie out of state. After about 24-48 hours of tears, I realized that I felt GREAT!!!!!

Not surprisingly, his sweetie broke up with him about 3 months afterwards. He wanted to come back. He cried and begged to come back. By then I was empowered and knew how much better my life was without him. No way was I going to take him back. His leaving me was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

So, my advice is kick him out!!!!!

 

[MickeysMommy]

 

[Tiggeroo]

also, as coming from somebody married to a bipolar person you do need to take care of yourself. Bipolar takes awhile to diagnose. Bipolar people leave alot of wreckage. They are not able to manage their lives if they are not getting treatment. That means their spouse carries more then a fair share of the burden of life's responsibilities. They are also trying to clean up after the sick person's messes. If there are kids they are also trying to protect the kids. You lose yourself in this process. It may be very difficult to think clearly as you haven't thought about yourself or about normal things for a long time. I didn't realize how twisted up I had become until dh got help.

 

[laura001]

Please accept a big hug from me. I too have been in a similar situation, a DH that was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive towards me and also had an affair. It has been 3 and a half years now since I realized it was falling apart, we are both still hanging in there with good days and bad days.

The first problem to overcome is going to counseling and him being able to admit, stand up and take responsibility for what he has done to you, himself and your family. Then he has to TRULY WANT to be a better man. That doesn't mean that he will not fall off the barrel in some capacity or be perfect because no one can be.

Two things you need to remember (and after all this time I still struggle with) are:

It is not your fault that he behaved badly, the problem is his and only he can take responsibility for it and fix it.

You have to stay strong and not accept (doesn't mean that you have to be mean or anything) any behaviour from him that will compromise your relationship. If you let these things go...you are enabling him to be that way. Again, that does NOT mean that what he did initially is Your Fault in any way, but once you are aware of that behavior, to accept it again is enabling him to do it again, then you are responsible.

I can say that after 3.5 years, the pain of all that is still not gone, the trust levels are very difficult even though he has made major changes as a human being. I chose to stay and work on it (you may not, that is your choice), but I fight daily with myself to stay strong and not let the "old tapes" (things that happened in the past) dictate how I am going to see a situation that is happening today.

It is a long hard journey, whether you stay or not. If you stay you need to get both of you into counseling, it is not an easy fix, so you need to be prepared. We have now been in counseling for almost 2 years and I would have never dreamed that it would take so long. Everyone's case is different and there can be so many things going on but I believe that it is not a journey that you can fix yourself.

Even if you choose not to stay you would still benefit from going yourself, for you, it will help you to be able to deal with the pain. The worst thing you can do is push it back inside and not really deal with it.

Wishing you all the best!

 

[laura001]

oops...I started to write my reply...long before you wrote that he was bipolar etc etc etc.....sorry

 

[TRUFFLES13]

What stinks, is one day I will feel so strong and confident that I don't need him or want him. But the next day I will be crying my eyes out wanting everything to be good again.

The funny thing is I can never get him on his cell phone. This past weekend he had to go away for work. He kept calling my cell and I didn't pick up because I just didn't want to talk. He flipped out because I wasn't answering the phone. Why is it OK for him to not answer, but not me?

Tiggeroo - your right I think I will see someone. My insurance is changing in Jan. so I will have to wait. And yes, he does self medicate himself.

 

[Castlebound]

If your DH is cheating on you he is putting you in danger. There is at least one person on this board who now has to live with AIDS because their husband cheated on them. That can and does happen! You DH is unwilling to get any help at all. Why would he? Right now he can do whatever he wants and knows that you will still be there. Anybody can say that they want to change but it is their actions that matter. I want to lose 15 ibs. but yet here I am sitting on my butt instead of on the treadmill. So I guess I don't really want to lose that weight enough to put any really effort into it. I'm not trying to be mean or flame you at all but I think you need a wake up call. Why would he change when you always take him back? Go see a counselor on your own if he won't go because one of you needs to be strong enough to break the cycle.

 

[mickeyboat]

Truffles.

You have gotten some great advice here. I hope it all works out for you.

Denae

 

[VSL]

Advice from one who has been there: The pain will start to diminish about 24 hours after you kick him the heck out the door!!!!

One July my first husband started saying, "Wouldn't it be fun to be single again?" I was so dense that it took me a few more months to realize he was cheating. Believe it or not, I lived with him for about 16 months after I knew he was cheating. (STUPID!!!) We were members of this fundamentalist church at the time, which contributed to my stupidity.

All the while, he was manipulating me...saying things like "No one will ever love you like I do." I felt terrible...like such a loser. FINALLY, he left me, to move away to be with his sweetie out of state. After about 24-48 hours of tears, I realized that I felt GREAT!!!!!

Not surprisingly, his sweetie broke up with him about 3 months afterwards. He wanted to come back. He cried and begged to come back. By then I was empowered and knew how much better my life was without him. No way was I going to take him back. His leaving me was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

So, my advice is kick him out!!!!!

Wow - good for you!

To the OP: - and listen to the advice here!

 

[TRUFFLES13]

Missypie - I love what you wrote - "the pain will start to diminsh 24 hours after you kick him out he door"

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words and kindness.

 

[Disney Doll]

Truffles, I know you want to try and save the marriage, but you can't save it by yourself. There are 2 people in a marriage, and both have to want to put the time & effort it takes to solve the problem, fix the problem, save the marriage. If that is not the case, then you are just spinning your wheels.

At this point, it doesn't sound as if your husband has any reason to change, to decide to take meds, or to go to counelling, or all 3. You are still there and enabling his bad behavior. OK, he is bipolar. Many bipolar people are amrried and live pretty normal lives because they do what they have to do to keep their disease in check. If your husband is choosing not to do this, if he is choosing not to take meds, get counselling etc. then what he is really choosing to do is to break up his family. Unfortuantely, that means you will have to be the strong one for yourself and your child...if I recall, you do have a child, right? Remember, everything that is happening your child is soaking up like a sponge. Do you want your child to think that this is the way people live, that this is the way marriage is suppossed to be? Of course not.

It's certainly OK to be upset, but you must get yourself together and makes some plans for you & your child's future.