Do you think she has the right to be mad?

[mumom95]

I've got an in-law vent to make, and just wondering if the majority of people would agree with me on this one, or my MIL on this one.

A little back story. I've been married for almost 13 years. My MIL when it comes to presents spends about the same amount on everyone, so she is very fair in that regards. My MIL lives in a little town where the biggest store they have is a Walmart. The nearest city with a mall is about a 45 minute drive (we live about 2 hours from her). So for years, she has asked me to buy a lot everyones presents, including my own. She pays me for everything, but I'm the one who does most of the shopping and wrapping (I wrap them because often times I'm not going to see her between buying them and Christmas). I didn't mind so much, because she was taking care of her sick mother and it was hard for her to travel the hour to a mall.

Well, the past couple of years she has gotten out more (my grandmother in law passed away) and done a lot more of her buying, except for me, she usually still just writes me a check or asks me to go out and get what I want and then pays me for it. But she doesn't do this for the other family members, she buys them their stuff (I know this because she's always telling me on the phone how she went from store to store to find my SIL's perfume or BIL's bike stuff).

This past Christmas she asked what I wanted and I told her a fire pit and she asked what kind. I got online, found the one I wanted at Loews. It wasn't at the Loews where my MIL lives, but was at the one right by my BIL's house (which is about 15 minutes away from me) or it could be ordered online. I printed it out on and gave it to her on Thanksgiving and said this is the one I would like. I didn't offer to go buy it myself and she didn't ask. Honestly, I was hoping for once she would put the effort into getting it herself, ordering it online or asking my BIL to go get it.

So Christmas comes and I get a check for it. And I have to admit, I'm a little bummed. I was really hoping for once I would get the same effort that everyone else gets. But I never said anything to her, because after all, she did give me the money for it.

Well, it's June and we still haven't bought the fire pit. I'm not exactly sure why, we just haven't gotten out to do. Well, my MIL said something the other day and I told her we hadn't bought it, and she's upset. And, now, I'm a bit upset (funny how that works with women). In my opinion, since I never agreed before Christmas that it was ok just to give me a check, I feel she doesn't have the right to get upset. In my opinion, she gave me money for Christmas, and if she wasn't willing to go buy what she wanted me to use the money on, she doesn't have the right to be mad at me if I use it on other things (the money was just put into the checking account, not really used for any one thing).

I'll probably eventually buy the fire pit, and this isn't something that is going to cause a major rift in the family. But I'd just like to know what other people think. Is it ok to give someone money for Christmas and then get upset if they don't use it to buy what you wanted them buy with it?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In the situation you have set up I can see where your MIL will be upset, in essence right now your MIL has not given you a "gift for Christmas", from her POV. You are the one who agreed to the terms of this gifting setup.

Now if you are ready to make a change in the gift setup because you are sick of it then I might have a sit down and discuss it.

As a sidenote I would never agree to those terms because I hate shopping. If we have relatives that give cash to the kids, the kids get to choose their own gifts.

 

[FireDancer]

Eh, this is the kind of thing I don't waste time or effort getting upset about. If she really wanted you to have a fire pit she would have either gotten it for you or gone online and ordered it to be shipped to you. In the year 2009 distance is meaningless since the interwebs is always right there.

When people, especially in my family, bring up things like this I stop them in their tracks and tell them it is what it is and I will not get into a debate about it. It has been many years since I have had the "nothing" argument with anyone because I refuse to engage in it and I find life a lot happier because of it.

 

[minkydog]

I think you're both off-base--you for being hung up on wanting an actual gift instead of the cash, and her for being upset that you didn't spend her cash on the thing you said you wanted.

 

[DizBelle]

It seems to me that she gave you a gift of money. End of story. I don't think she has a right to get upset at you for what you did or did not do with it. If she was that concerned about it, she should have given you a tangible gift instead of giving you cash.

I don't, however, think you should be upset at her for her not shopping for your gift. She gives you a gift, it's just cash. If she just didn't get you a gift at all (no gift, no cash) or one of way less value than other members of the family, then we can talk about you being upset.

 

[JessicaR]

I do the majority of my MIL's shopping. Actually I'm pretty sure I do it all. I don't think in your MIL's mind that she is slighting you on effort towards your gifts. I bet she wants you to have exactly what you want and she insures that by giving you $. This is what my MIL does.

Maybe she is just upset that you haven't bought the fire pit that she knows you wanted so much. Still it could be a lesson for her that if she wants you to have something specific she should make sure she buys it!

 

[wall*e2008]

You have always bought your gift from her and she gave you the money. Why would you expect anything different this last time? Honestly is opening a gift you told her you wanted more exciting then opening the same gift that you bought and wrapped for yourself. I think it was wrong of you not to go out and buy the gift once you got the money.

If you want surprised, then have your MIL give your DH the check and he can shop and wrap her presents to you. BTW this is what I have done more than once for my DH.

 

[NMAmy]

I think you're both off-base--you for being hung up on wanting an actual gift instead of the cash, and her for being upset that you didn't spend her cash on the thing you said you wanted.

Exactly. If it really bothers you to get the cash, sit down and tell your MIL, "You know, it would mean an awful lot to me if you could arrange to get me a gift instead of cash." Don't do this the week before Christmas or your birthday but at some neutral time.

And, your MIL is wrong for being upset with you for not buying the gift you'd discussed. However, I'd let this go and make amends. This would actually be the perfect time to have the gift discussion. It could be a way to make you BOTH happy with the gift.

 

[mumom95]

In the situation you have set up I can see where your MIL will be upset, in essence right now your MIL has not given you a "gift for Christmas", from her POV. You are the one who agreed to the terms of this gifting setup.

Now if you are ready to make a change in the gift setup because you are sick of it then I might have a sit down and discuss it.

As a sidenote I would never agree to those terms because I hate shopping. If we have relatives that give cash to the kids, the kids get to choose their own gifts.

I guess that's where I think I'm in the right though, I never agreed to buy the gift myself. I told her what I wanted, told her where she could get it, and then on Christmas I got a check and she said "this is so you can get the fire pit". Which, since I didn't argue at that point, could be taken as I agreed to get it myself at that point. But I never told her this year I was willing to get it myself.

 

[disykat]

It's not her business. She gave you money, you can spend it or not spend it on what you want.

 

[mumom95]

Oh, and my dh has had the gift discussion with my MIL. A couple of years ago (after his grandmother died and she had more time on her hands) he said to her that it really isn't polite to make me buy and wrap my own presents when she doesn't make anyone else in the family do it. It wasn't a sit down type of discussion, he just mentioned it to her. Her response was something like this is just what women do once they become a wife and mother. I didn't have a SIL at the time, so he couldn't say to her that she only expects me to do it. And I guess that's why it has bugged me more over the past year, because now that I have a SIL, she doesn't ask her to do these things, just me.

This isn't something that will cause a rift in the family. And I know I'll never sit down with my MIL and talk to her about it. You just don't do that with her. You don't say to her she is doing something that hurts you, because she just starts crying hysterically. My dh told me that early on in our relationship, and I have witnessed it first hand.

 

[mumom95]

:

And, your MIL is wrong for being upset with you for not buying the gift you'd discussed. However, I'd let this go and make amends. This would actually be the perfect time to have the gift discussion. It could be a way to make you BOTH happy with the gift.

Now, that may make perfect sense, but then I'd have to find something else to complain about to my dh about his parents, and that's just too much work.

 

[Orange County Girl]

Since a fire pit is such a large heavy item it probably would have been difficult for her to pick that up at Lowe's for you. Loading, unloading, etc. I also can only imagine how much the shipping charges would be on such a heavy item. Giving you the money to buy it yourself sounds reasonable and generous to me.

 

[blissventure]

Since a fire pit is such a large heavy item it probably would have been difficult for her to pick that up at Lowe's for you. Loading, unloading, etc. I also can only imagine how much the shipping charges would be on such a heavy item. Giving you the money to buy it yourself sounds reasonable and generous to me.

This was exactly my first thought when I read this thread.

I'm missing the problem here. I'm also confused about why the need to wrap whatever you've chose to purchase with your check?
She gives you a gift-check, you do whatever you wish with the check, and enjoy it.

 

[luvsJack]

It may just be that your MIL thinks of you as someone she can count on and is reliable and so it is a compliment that she ever started asking you to buy the gifts in the first place.

And maybe she felt that you preferred picking out your own gift and that is why she continued to give you money to do so. My mil, sil and sil's daughter all do that very thing. They pick out their own gifts from husbands and parents; then wrap them and put them under the tree. They don't want it any other way. Maybe she thought thats the way you wanted it to be??

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess that's where I think I'm in the right though, I never agreed to buy the gift myself. I told her what I wanted, told her where she could get it, and then on Christmas I got a check and she said "this is so you can get the fire pit". Which, since I didn't argue at that point, could be taken as I agreed to get it myself at that point. But I never told her this year I was willing to get it myself.

Right, you did not speak up at that point to change the terms. Looking at it from her POV, that is the way you have been doing gifts for 13yrs.

It is quite a leap to think she is going to read your mind and "know" that your terms have changed.

You have to talk to her.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I guess that's where I think I'm in the right though, I never agreed to buy the gift myself. I told her what I wanted, told her where she could get it, and then on Christmas I got a check and she said "this is so you can get the fire pit". Which, since I didn't argue at that point, could be taken as I agreed to get it myself at that point. But I never told her this year I was willing to get it myself.

<donning my Dr Phil hat> Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY?

If you want to be right, yeah...on the surface it seems a little crappy that your MIL can rely on your to shop for everyone and their brother but for your gift she won't ask your BIL to pick it up for her.

But if you want to be happy I'd just look at it from a positive perspective. Your MIL actually wants you to have something nice, that you really want. MANY people have crappy MILs...so I'd count yourself lucky. And I'll bet she really doesn't realize that you might be hurt by this.

Personally, I just want to be happy so I'd drop it.

 

[Disney Doll]

It seems to me that she gave you a gift of money. End of story. I don't think she has a right to get upset at you for what you did or did not do with it. If she was that concerned about it, she should have given you a tangible gift instead of giving you cash.

I don't, however, think you should be upset at her for her not shopping for your gift. She gives you a gift, it's just cash. If she just didn't get you a gift at all (no gift, no cash) or one of way less value than other members of the family, then we can talk about you being upset.

I agree with this.

This is probably one I'd let go. If she brings up the firepit again, say "I have the money put away for it. We've just not had a chance to go get it" and be done with it. I wouldn't get into it with someone who's going to start bawling if you challenge her a bit...too much drama for me over nothing.

This year for Christmas, don't tell her you want anything. If she asks, say "I don't know...surpriose me" and see what happens. If she gives you cash again, then you won't be in the same position you are this year, because the cash won't be "earmarked" for anything specific.

 

[mumom95]

<donning my Dr Phil hat> Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY?

If you want to be right, yeah...on the surface it seems a little crappy that your MIL can rely on your to shop for everyone and their brother but for your gift she won't ask your BIL to pick it up for her.

But if you want to be happy I'd just look at it from a positive perspective. Your MIL actually wants you to have something nice, that you really want. MANY people have crappy MILs...so I'd count yourself lucky. And I'll bet she really doesn't realize that you might be hurt by this.

Personally, I just want to be happy so I'd drop it.

You are probably right about the being right versus being happy part. Although, you are also assuming I don't have a crappy MIL, which, where there are MILs that are much worse than mine, I definitely would not say I'm lucky to have the one I do.

I think the problem here is that I had my hopes up that this past year she would put in the effort for my gift, and then I was really let down when she didn't. I specifically made sure I never offered to buy it myself. But, in her defense, given that I have bought my own gifts for years and I didn't say anything to her, I'm sure she just assumed it was ok. I just think it's rude for her now to be upset at me for not having put in the effort of buying it, since I never said I would.

But you are right about the just being happy part. She doesn't know I'm upset about her being upset, so there really isn't anything to drop. If she brings it up again, I'll probably just go out and buy the fire pit.

 

[robinb]

This year for Christmas, don't tell her you want anything. If she asks, say "I don't know...surpriose me" and see what happens. If she gives you cash again, then you won't be in the same position you are this year, because the cash won't be "earmarked" for anything specific.

Oooo! Disney Doll always has the best advice!