Do you support...

[Justanopinion]

Do you support your kids no matter what or what is your definition of loving and supporting your child?

DSS has been accused of a crime (a felony).

Dh and I have reason to believe that he is guilty of this crime. We love him but don't like what he did. We are willing to support him and help him if he admits to this. (Sorta taking the attitude one would with an alcoholic, he has to admit he needs and wants help first)

DSS is a known liar.

FIL does not want to admit that his grandkids (any of them) could do anything wrong. FIL wants to believe that DSS is innocent and is highly upset with us for not believing DSS when he says he didn't do this.


What would you do?

 

[Liberty Belle]

I would absolutely support them. I would never, ever turn my back on my children. If they've committed a crime, though, they must pay.

You can not believe your son and still support him. I'd tell him I love him and will help him, but that I'm not sure I believe him and tell him why.

 

[Justanopinion]

I would absolutely support them. I would never, ever turn my back on my children. If they've committed a crime, though, they must pay.

You can not believe your son and still support him. I'd tell him I love him and will help him, but that I'm not sure I believe him and tell him why.

I don't understand this statement. Please explain this more.

Part of our problem right now is that FIL has told DSS not to talk to us. Because there is a doubt in our minds that he is not totally innocent, FIL tells him not to talk to us and that we aren't supporting him.

I want to support him. I want to be there for him. But I also need him to be honest with us and I don't beleive he is.

 

[Serena]

FIL is wrong.


I tried to answer this, but it didn't make sense even to me.

I would really try to believe him until I couldn't any more.
But that has nothing to do with loving him.

 

[luvsJack]

I believe that you can be there for him and stand behind him even if you do not believe him. I think you should tell him that you hope he will come forth and tell the truth so that he can move forward.

Is there anything he can say to you that will convince you he is telling the truth or is it too plain that he is lying? Maybe you can give him the opportunity to convince you as well as the chance to tell the truth. Maybe knowing that you and your husband are open to hearing what he has to say will allow him the freedom to talk to you.

He needs to know that you will always love him, no matter what and that he has his family there for him. Even if you have to tell him this through a note because of his grandfather, he needs to be told.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I don't understand this statement. Please explain this more.

Part of our problem right now is that FIL has told DSS not to talk to us. Because there is a doubt in our minds that he is not totally innocent, FIL tells him not to talk to us and that we aren't supporting him.

I want to support him. I want to be there for him. But I also need him to be honest with us and I don't beleive he is.

I'm sorry, that was a terrible sentence. What I meant was, you can believe your son is lying and yet still support him.

 

[Bluestars]

I will always be there for my children, no matter what they do. If they did something terrible, I would still be there. That doesn't mean I will accept, enable, or tolerate unacceptable behavior. But if they are honest with me, take responsibility for their actions, and want help, I will be ready and willing to help them.

You can support him and still not believe what he is telling you. I think it is very smart to not automatically believe everything someone tells you. People who do things that are against the law often lie about it.

If it looks like your DSS committed the crime and is lying about it, I think your approach is a good one. I would let him know that you will support and help him when he is ready to be honest with you.

Your FIL is doing what he believes is right and you are doing what you believe is right. I think your approach will be more productive in the long run.

 

[Justanopinion]

I believe that you can be there for him and stand behind him even if you do not believe him. I think you should tell him that you hope he will come forth and tell the truth so that he can move forward.

Is there anything he can say to you that will convince you he is telling the truth or is it too plain that he is lying? Maybe you can give him the opportunity to convince you as well as the chance to tell the truth. Maybe knowing that you and your husband are open to hearing what he has to say will allow him the freedom to talk to you.

He needs to know that you will always love him, no matter what and that he has his family there for him. Even if you have to tell him this through a note because of his grandfather, he needs to be told.

Let's just say that this was more than a one time thing.

 

[HighClass]

I don't understand this statement. Please explain this more.

Part of our problem right now is that FIL has told DSS not to talk to us. Because there is a doubt in our minds that he is not totally innocent, FIL tells him not to talk to us and that we aren't supporting him.

.

Is this the same FIL that has sorta kicked your DH (his son) to the curb, job-wise?
Sorry-I'd be focusing myself with job searches for your DH, and leave the step son alone.

 

[luvsJack]

If your child is in trouble, its kind of hard to concentrate on anything but that.

OP, did you post about this problem before? As to what your step-son did? If that was you I remember posting; your dss needs help and with fil around, he's not going to get it. Can your husband step up and take control of the situation with his son even telling his dad to back off? I don't remember you saying how old your step son is, but maybe you and dh could insist that he start seeing a psychologist. He really, really needs to admit what he has done and get the help he needs.

Not facing facts about what he did is not standing behind him. Making sure everything that happens to him is what is best for him to get the help he needs and that he has fair and just legal counsel is the definition of "standing behind him", imho.

 

[MoniqueU]

I think you can be there and support them without turning into George and Cindy Anthony. You kbow, denial, enabling, excuses and lies.
You can offer legal support if needed, listen to their side of the story and then interject when you think things aren't on the up and up an reafirm your love for him while still keeping in mind he may of done something.

 

[minkydog]

DS22 has had several moving violations, the most recent involving intoxication. We do not condone what he did and we do not bail him out--he has to face the court on his own and take his consequences(this time if was a fine only--rats!)

Your FIL is enabling and even encouraging your son in his chosen lifestyle. I think you can totally love your son and help him navigate the court system without denying him the opportunity to face the music.

In my experience people who commit minor or major crimes nearly always claim innocence--it's always somebody else's fault. they never take the blame for their actions and you can bet somewhere along the line are family members who have encouraged that way of thinking.

There's a saying in AA--How can you tell when an addict is lying? His lips are moving. The same goes for people who commit crimes. If he can play you, he will. His grandfather is not helping him to be a man. But you can do that, if he'll let you.

 

[rie'smom]

What would you do if it was your son and not your step son? However you decide you would treat your son, treat your stepson the same way.

 

[okeydokey]

What would you do if it was your son and not your step son? However you decide you would treat your son, treat your stepson the same way.

You can support the person without supporting their actions.

 

[Bopsmom]

What would you do if it was your son and not your step son? However you decide you would treat your son, treat your stepson the same way.

Word!

 

[happygirl]

I'd would always love my child. I couldn't/wouldn't support them for doing something illegal.

 

[MrsPete]

In response to this question, I'll tell you a story:

As a teen, my brother committed a crime. It wasn't a a big-deal crime, but the kind of thing that -- if left unchecked -- probably would've led to more and more run-ins with the law. There was no doubt that he was guilty.

Non-violent crime, young teen, first offense -- the judge probably would've just thrown it out. My mom asked for him to be placed on probation. It was a scary thing for him. He had to visit the probation officer, he had to do some community service. The punishment was in proportion to the crime, and it scared him badly -- that was a good thing.

My mom supported him BY MAKING SURE HE WAS PUNISHED. Today he admits that it's the best thing she ever did for him. He was at a crossroads in his life at that point, and he could've become a bad kid. Instead, he was forced back to the straight and narrow.

 

[horseshowmom]

DS22 has had several moving violations, the most recent involving intoxication. We do not condone what he did and we do not bail him out--he has to face the court on his own and take his consequences(this time if was a fine only--rats!)

Your FIL is enabling and even encouraging your son in his chosen lifestyle. I think you can totally love your son and help him navigate the court system without denying him the opportunity to face the music.

In my experience people who commit minor or major crimes nearly always claim innocence--it's always somebody else's fault. they never take the blame for their actions and you can bet somewhere along the line are family members who have encouraged that way of thinking.

There's a saying in AA--How can you tell when an addict is lying? His lips are moving. The same goes for people who commit crimes. If he can play you, he will. His grandfather is not helping him to be a man. But you can do that, if he'll let you.

Agree 100%.

My mom supported him BY MAKING SURE HE WAS PUNISHED. Today he admits that it's the best thing she ever did for him. He was at a crossroads in his life at that point, and he could've become a bad kid. Instead, he was forced back to the straight and narrow.

More agreement.

 

[Inigo]

How old is DSS? What sort of felony is it? (Don't give details if you don't want to! PM if you want. ) What state are you in?

I'm a juvenile probation officer, and I completely believe it's possible to care about your child and still believe they committed the offense. The best cases I have are the ones where the parents support their children in taking responsibility for their actions. I love my involved parents. The parents who continue to make excuses for their kids are some of the worst. Those kids learn not to take responsibility, and to always have an excuse for everything.

BTW, just saying "felony" doesn't really mean much to me. In IN, it's a class D felony if someone steals a car, or if they shoplift a pack of gum.

 

[HighClass]

Word!

What does "WORD" mean????