Do you support or suppress (long)? UPDATE!

[vettechick99]

I have a friend I met on a wedding website about 9 months ago. At the time neither of us were officially engaged, but both in serious relationships. She had been on this wedding site about a year prior to me finding it.

Well now I am official (ring) with a date of next year. She is still waiting. However, as far as planning goes, she's way ahead of me. She's bought & altered her wedding dress, planned where it will be, who will cater it, picked out bridemaid's dress & invitations, bought little things like freeze dried petals, etc. She even has become a wedding photographer on the side...so now more than ever, she's living and breathing weddings.

Note that they are NOT engaged, he has NO idea she has planned all this and really doesn't seem to be in any hurry to ask her. He knows she wants to get married, so something is holding him back.

I just feel like she is setting herself up for a letdown. Everytime he goes out to his car, she thinks he's "getting the ring". I want to support her and be there for her, at the same time I don't want to be an enabler of what I think is "going overboard".

What do you think?

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I agree with you.

She is setting herself up for a letdown. Esp. if she is doing all this stuff and has not even told her BF about it, or he has not found out about it somehow, I have to wonder how close they really are.

But on the other hand, it is her life, and her money. Personally, I'd be honest with a good friend because I'd rather have them mad at me for a while, than have them wind up hurting worse later on.

But who knows what goes on in their life that you don't know about.

 

[snoopy]

Sounds to me like she might very well be setting herself up for a very big letdown.

I hope that isn't the case though. I grew up with girls who planned their weddings before they even had boyfriends! I can understand dreaming about what you'd like to have, but I think its bad luck to buy anything before you get that ring and set a date.

 

[coliebird]

It depends how close you are with her. Do you think she'll resent you for saying something? I would tread carefully b/c quite honestly if she has done all this and is not even engaged, I think she might be a bit unstable. Dreaming about your wedding is one thing, but actually buying the dress and altering it is kind of freaky.

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with all of the above and would like to add: remind her the wedding lasts one day, the marriage lasts a lifetime.

Denae

 

[Boo]

Wow!!! Just a little bit obssesive, huh? Sounds like the plot for a B film- girl eats, sleeps and drinks weddings only to eventually go postal on an entire town when she is jilted at the altar.
Not that I think it isn't normal for most women to have some idea about how they want their special day, after all, when else do you get to feel like royalty for a day where the world revolves around you? Thinking about weddings is kind of like dreaming about winning the lottery. But I don't know anyone who would go out and buy the Ferrari before they get the winning ticket. Sounds like your friend needs a healthier hobby. I feel sorry for her eventual groom. He's going to get NO say in the wedding what so ever. Could be the source of a lot of fights. I think your friend should spend more time getting ready for the idea of a marriage- read books on how to have a successful marriage, that kind of thing.

One confession I have though. My mother and I did buy my wedding dress before I "officially" had the ring. It was a great sale- a $5000 dress for only $900 if I took the floor sample. But I did know that my soon to be fiance had the ring and was guessing he was planning on proposing that weekend- I was right. DH is an absolute darling but he's never been able to surprise me, I always seem to figure out what he's up to- even to this day. That's okay, surprises are overrated. I'll take compassion and sincerity.

 

[vettechick99]

Originally posted by coliebird
It depends how close you are with her. Do you think she'll resent you for saying something? I would tread carefully b/c quite honestly if she has done all this and is not even engaged, I think she might be a bit unstable. Dreaming about your wedding is one thing, but actually buying the dress and altering it is kind of freaky.

Well I don't think I'd ever say, "Look woman, get your head out your butt, he ain't asking anytime soon!".

But for the last 9 months I've gotten daily, "Didn't get asked last night, but look what I bought for my imaginary wedding!".

So should I be like, "Hey, that's great! Perfect choice!"...or "Nice. Hey, how's the weather?"

Oh, I never mentioned she lives with him..along with her 10 y/o son. Let's say she's never made good decisions with men. This one seems good, but obviously in no hurry to make an honest woman of her.

 

[CEDmom]

It is a tough situation. Do you know whether she's shared this information with other people or just you? I have to agree that she could be unstable or just very desperate. Can you get a read on how her BF feels when she brings up marriage? Maybe there is a legitimate reason why he's waiting (i.e. wants $$$ in the bank, wants to be at a certain place career wise) or it could just be that he's stringing her along thinking he's got her so there's no rush.

 

[Crankyshank]

If she's this obsessed, most likely someone (family) has said something to her all ready. And most likely she's not going to listen to any sense you try to instill in her.

I would probably not say anything unless asked directly

 

[barbeml]

Sounds like she needs to be less focused on a potential wedding and more focused on the relationship.

 

[vettechick99]

Originally posted by CEDmom
It is a tough situation. Do you know whether she's shared this information with other people or just you? I have to agree that she could be unstable or just very desperate. Can you get a read on how her BF feels when she brings up marriage? Maybe there is a legitimate reason why he's waiting (i.e. wants $$$ in the bank, wants to be at a certain place career wise) or it could just be that he's stringing her along thinking he's got her so there's no rush.

She talks to everyone about it! Even her dad knows and made himself available last weekend to be "asked" and it never happened.

We double-dated a few months ago and at the time, we were newly engaged. So we ended up talking about engagements/marriage for at least 20 minutes and he showed zero interest. I'm not sure he said one word.

I know its not money b/c he just offered to buy her a motorcycle and she told him she'd rather have a ring instead. That was about 3 months ago.

I really think he's in no rush and has implied it, but she's still clinging to any and all hope.

And she did get a hobby...wedding photographer. Only made it worse!

 

[CookieGVB]

Wow, she's scaring me, and I'm not even a guy!

It's fine to dream, but it sounds like she's a little overboard with it.

I'd keep my thoughts to myself, unless asked specifically for them. Just try changing the subject.

 

[welovedisneyx4]

My DH and I discussed getting married and even had a date picked out...but I did no other planning for the wedding until I had the ring on my finger!!!! There was no way I was going to do all this preparation and have it fall through!!!

Also, I think she should allow her DF (who ever it may be, when she gets one) to help w/ the wedding plans if he wants. I think it really upset my DH that we (myself and my mother-but that's another story) didn't include him in much of the planning. Granted, a lot of men don't want to know every little detail, but I think they do like to have some say in it.

That is a hard situation for you to be in. I think it might be good if you could get her to downplay all this. It is great to dream and look at everything, but she needs to "get real" (to put it bluntly!)

 

[Toby'sFriend]

you know,

you can meet the most interesting people over the internet.

I think I'd keep it to "that's nice how is the weather" until she asked me to go for a Bridesmaid's dress fitting. Then I might offer to find her a list of available Psychiatric appointments in her area.

 

[snoopy]

Sounds to me like if this girl ever does get him to marry her, they should have this as their wedding cake:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=636712&highlight=%2Bwedding+%2Bcake

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by vettechick99
She talks to everyone about it! Even her dad knows and made himself available last weekend to be "asked" and it never happened.

We double-dated a few months ago and at the time, we were newly engaged. So we ended up talking about engagements/marriage for at least 20 minutes and he showed zero interest. I'm not sure he said one word.

I know its not money b/c he just offered to buy her a motorcycle and she told him she'd rather have a ring instead. That was about 3 months ago.

I really think he's in no rush and has implied it, but she's still clinging to any and all hope.

And she did get a hobby...wedding photographer. Only made it worse!

Wow, if her own father is encouraging this then I'm not sure there's a lot you can do except play down everything she tells you.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by snoopy
Sounds to me like if this girl ever does get him to marry her, they should have this as their wedding cake:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=636712&highlight=%2Bwedding+%2Bcake

 

[vettechick99]

GUESS WHAT!?!?! I knew that at soon as I whined about her to someone, it would happen! He proposed on Friday and they set the date for next May. I'm so happy for her...now she is graduating from girlfriendzilla to bridezilla!!

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by vettechick99
GUESS WHAT!?!?! I knew that at soon as I whined about her to someone, it would happen! He proposed on Friday and they set the date for next May. I'm so happy for her...now she is graduating from girlfriendzilla to bridezilla!!

Lol! Hey at least she won't have to plan too much, since she's already done most of that.

What's going to happen when she decides she wants to have a baby?

 

[vettechick99]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX


What's going to happen when she decides she wants to have a baby?

She already wants another...that's why this was such a big deal! At least we know she is fertile....thank goodness for me!