Do you get upset when your kid doesn't get invited to a birthday party?

[Arabella1978]

This is a hot button issue for me.

I think that it's silly to lead children to believe they are going to be invited to every birthday party, or likewise be able to invite everyone they want to, to a party they host.

Mostly I am getting tired of seeing parents throw lavish birthday parties for a 4, 5 or 6 year old that costs hundreds if not thousands of dollars. It's just so over the top ridiculous.

I know that throwing a party in which every kid in the class is invited doesn't mean that it's going to be lavish necessarily, but where we live it usually does. I could afford to invite 30 kids to a party but I would never do it.

If one of my kids wasn't invited to a party I'd say, "Oh well, I think we're gonna live" and then I'd explain that most of the time the guests lists are created by the mom anyway. It can be very political, and everyone knows that's true. If you can only invite ten kids and you have to choose between a kid your kid plays with once in awhile versus your bosses kid who your kid doesn't even know, or your mom's best friends granddaughter, etc, sometimes the kid with less of a connection to the birthday celebrant wins out.

I think it's good for kids to experience disappointment once in awhile. That's how life works. A 6 year old is fully capable of understanding and dealing with disappointment. Little life lessons and what not. I know it's our nature to want to protect and shield, but I think sometimes we do it for ourselves and not for them.

Hugs OP, your dd will get through this setback just fine.

 

[Cynsational]

We do not use credit cards and we also do not go all out on gifts. Life is full of disappointments but if some can be avoided while they're little, then why not?

Like I said, to each their own. It's like Disney in a way. Some people go the bare minimum route and some go all out and some go the happy medium. It's what's best for their situation at the time. I certainly wouldn't hold it against anyone who scrapped parties altogether since I have done the same but I know that *my* children would be in tears if they were left out of something like a party. That's just my 2 cents.

Totally, if parents want to have a bigger party, that is fine. I'm just saying, it isn't something I was familiar with at all as a child and it seems more like it is expected now that every family will be able and must to invite all the children in a class. I wouldn't want to have to tell my daughter she couldn't have any friends over because we can't fit everyone in our house / pay for a location - that seems far more unfair than not being invited to every party.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'm totally fine with people choosing to have big parties, but not everyone can - or wants to. So some of my daughters classmates may end up being disappointed, but I hope their parents explain to them that it isn't a personal slight.

 

[disneybound2010]

DS isn't in school yet, but this is making me happier and happier that his birthday is in the middle of summer when there won't be any real worries about how many to invite and will so and so find out. This parenting gig gets tougher by the second.

 

[stacie_d]

Not really. We have never allowed DS to invite everyone from his class to a party.

I will say that last year we had the greatest and easiest party for DS's 10th birthday. We allowed him to invite some boys in his class to a local Japanese Steak House. (Actually, I did the invite through email directly to the parents in case there was a food allergy, etc.) Meal lasted about 2 hours total, and with the dinner there was no need for a cake, treat bag, etc. Parents dropped them off and picked them up when it was over. It was probably the most economic party we ever had--no cost other than the meals (which were about ten dollars each). The chef provided great entertainment for 10 year old boys (and for us watching all the boys try to catch the food thrown at them). They brought out a big gong and the kids took turns hitting it as they all sang happy birthday. Everyone had a great time, and when it was over, it was nice to go home and not have a party to clean up. The staff was great!

I would not hesitate to go that route again. We moved at the start of this school year so he does not have a close circle of friends. I might do the same thing this year.

 

[tlh0726]

In our area, if you send the invitations to be handed out at preschool or school then everyone in the class needs to be invited, teacher will not give them to the kids if there is not an invitation for everyone. If you are mailing/emailing the invitations than you can invite whomever you want.

OP, you may be surprised that it will not bother your daughter as much as it is bothering you. If you do not make a big deal out of it, your daughter won't either.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

No, it doesn't bother me. We only invite a few to a special event, so we don't expect others to invite us to everything. As someone said, if your child was never invited, i'd be worried. I also think you are jumping the gun entirely. Just because things are mailed together is in no way an indicator that they will arrive together.

(I love the japanese restaurant idea! I am totally stealing it.)

 

[MSSANDRA]

We can not help how we feel, but we can help how we react to those feelings. Yes, I would feel sad. Rightly or wrongly that is how I would feel. I however would try very hard not to allow my child to see my reaction to my feelings. Kids have to learn disapointment and it kills us as parents to see them do that. Our reactions can make things easier or harder for them. Many times parents are more upset that the kids are!! The get partied out and could not care less!!!!!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

We can not help how we feel, but we can help how we react to those feelings. Yes, I would feel sad. Rightly or wrongly that is how I would feel. I however would try very hard not to allow my child to see my reaction to my feelings. Kids have to learn disapointment and it kills us as parents to see them do that. Our reactions can make things easier or harder for them. Many times parents are more upset that the kids are!! The get partied out and could not care less!!!!!

You know I know everyone is right when they say DD could care less and I am worried about it more than her.

For example: tonight is our townships annual father/daughter dance. DD isn't able to go because DH is out of town. Her and dad had a great time last year. When she asked about it this year and I told her she couldn't go because of daddy being out of town, she was disappointed for about 3 seconds. I told her we would do something special with her and her big brother. She is totally fine.

At dance class last Wed. some of the girls and moms were talking about the dance. I asked her in the car, are you sad daddy can't take you. She said, no mom we're going to do something more fun than that. Again I was fretting she was feeling left out. And she is totally OK not going and seems like she would rather do what I have planned anyhow.

I know life is filled with disappointments, but it seems like the idiot mom is the one who's disappointed.

 

[puffkin]

No, I wouldn't get upset. Nowadays, we are too pc, we also don't want our kids to have bad things happen, which in the real world, isn't realistic. They will live if they don't get invited.

Yup, I agree.

DS's 4th birthday is next month is a build-a-dino type thing at my home. At $15 a pop and with having some close cousins/neighbors coming too I can only afford to invite his 3 best buddies from school. There is no way I am paying an extra $150 bucks for the rest of the class he doesn't even like or play with. Thats just life. I wouldn't worry about it too much, we as parents get more upset about this stuff than the kids do

 

[connorlevismom]

Some time you might change your mind about the "whole class" thing.
When my DD turned 7 we invited all the girls in her class because she was new and didn't have a close group of friends. She asked me repeatedly not to, but of course I knew better. There were a few girls who were rather unpleasant and ruined some of the activities. After they left my DD looked at me and said, "I told you we shouldn't have invited everyone." I would never exclude just one, but I think only inviting your friends and having a limit is fine. Now she is turning 11 she has the same 4-5 friends that she will always invite and we know she will go to theirs.

To the OP: I would be sad too, but that kind of thing never really bothered DD. She would rather have a few close friends than deal with the masses. She's in middle school now and it gets so much worse. Save your stressing for later..

I am sure that I will when my son gets into older grades and makes really good friends. In Kindergarten, all the kids think they are best friends so it is hard. Besides, the invites get passed out at school and I think it is rude to not give one to everyone if you are going to do that.

If the invitations are handed out at school, then the whole class should be invited (or all the boys or girls) to avoid hurt feelings.

That is how I feel too.

I understand the concept. I have a DS in 5th grade and I understand not all kids get invited to everything.

Even though it doesn't seem to be effecting DD in the least, I'm still thinking about it. I seem to be the one bothered not her.

One of her BFF's is having a birthday party the same day as this one, so she probably couldn't have gone anyhow. So then why am I being such a dufus?

Because your a mommy and you love her.

All or none? Really? I'm kind of stunned that people are able to host a party for an entire class of kids. I never had a party like that growing up; neither did my husband (nor any of our classmates) from middle class families. Now, however, I know people who use credit to pay for children's birthday parties. $275 for 1.5 hours at a play gym (not including cake and favours). Or movies and snacks for an entire class. My mind just boggles.

We don't have that kind of space and certainly not the money to go somewhere with 20 or more kids. Feelings may get hurt, but we will never be in a position to do that and I don't think there's anything wrong with limiting the guest list. Life will have disappointments. There is no avoiding that.

First of all - I do not put my parties on credit. Neither my DH nor I had these kinds of parties when we were kids either. But I don't think that is a reason not to give my child one. He will be 6 this year and this is his first big party that he has had and we are going to an inflatible play gym. That is where all the kids have had there parties and that is where he really wanted his. Why not? It is once a year that he get's it and we only buy him one gift for his birthday. He understands that his party is part of his present from us.

Kristine

 

[mjkacmom]

All or none? Really? I'm kind of stunned that people are able to host a party for an entire class of kids. I never had a party like that growing up; neither did my husband (nor any of our classmates) from middle class families. Now, however, I know people who use credit to pay for children's birthday parties. $275 for 1.5 hours at a play gym (not including cake and favours). Or movies and snacks for an entire class. My mind just boggles.

We don't have that kind of space and certainly not the money to go somewhere with 20 or more kids. Feelings may get hurt, but we will never be in a position to do that and I don't think there's anything wrong with limiting the guest list. Life will have disappointments. There is no avoiding that.

And that's fine - however, around here, the majority of parents invite either the entire class or same sex classmates, and parties average about $300. I use a credit card, and pay it off when I get the bill. We get about 6 invitations a month for bowling/ice skating/rock climbing/movie/CEC/BAB/etc., etc. parties. Now, starting around the 3rd grade, the kids pick and choose who they want to invite, because usually they have established strong friendships at that point. It's also easier then, because since you need to invite the whole class in order to pass out invitations at school, and by third grade, you know the parents of your child's friends.

 

[taximomfor4]

I don't get upset at all, and really, neither do my kids. PERHAPS if every single kid in the class except mine was invited, it would be different...but usually, that's not the case. It seems to be the whole class is invited, all the kids of one gender are invited, or some are invited while some are not. In preschool (8 kids in the class), it seemed like most people invited just a couple of kids or all of them. In Kindergarten, kids have separated into little groups of friends pretty effectively. Suddenly, dd every classmate wasn't dd's "friend." So I wouldn't invite all of them to dd's party, and she would probably not get invited to all their parties either. I do know our school had a rule that if you send the invitations to the teacher to distribute, you had to invite everyone. But nobody really does that, because they already know how to contact the good friends to invite them outside of school.

We offer the kids each year: a party OR a gift. They almost exclusively choose Gift . But if they chose a party, it would only be for their good friends.

Even growing up, there was ONE kid in my grade who had to invite the whole class every year to his birthday party. We all knew we'd all be invited each and every year. So it wasn't "the thing" around here for as far back as I can remember.

 

[sara74]

So then why am I being such a dufus?

Because having kids is like wearing your own heart outside your body. Everything is magnified and all you want for them is the world. I feel that way, and I understand how you are feeling right now.

The thing that stinks is having to push those feelings aside and go on as though you aren't having them to keep your little one from feeling that way themselves when they might not have otherwise.

 

[Cynsational]

And that's fine - however, around here, the majority of parents invite either the entire class or same sex classmates, and parties average about $300. I use a credit card, and pay it off when I get the bill. We get about 6 invitations a month for bowling/ice skating/rock climbing/movie/CEC/BAB/etc., etc. parties. Now, starting around the 3rd grade, the kids pick and choose who they want to invite, because usually they have established strong friendships at that point. It's also easier then, because since you need to invite the whole class in order to pass out invitations at school, and by third grade, you know the parents of your child's friends.

I should clarify - there's nothing wrong with using credit cards. The parents around here seem to be inviting the entire class because they feel they have to and they absolutely can't afford to pay it off when they get a bill. That is their choice, of course. I just feel like it is becoming expected whether you can afford it or not because the kids "deserve" it. I can't get on board with that.

We could never afford to pay $300 for a child's birthday party. Even if it dropped from the sky, I feel like I personally could put it to better use.

Question: What is CEC/BAB? I'm in Canada and I'm not familiar with those acronyms.

roliepolieoliefan: You are NOT an idiot. It is completely natural to worry about our kids.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

roliepolieoliefan: You are NOT an idiot. It is completely natural to worry about our kids.

Because having kids is like wearing your own heart outside your body. Everything is magnified and all you want for them is the world. I feel that way, and I understand how you are feeling right now.

The thing that stinks is having to push those feelings aside and go on as though you aren't having them to keep your little one from feeling that way themselves when they might not have otherwise.

Because your a mommy and you love her.




Kristine

Thx!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

double post

 

[DeniseinNS]

I would only be bothered by it if it were someone that my child is close friends with. I let my kids know that not everyone gets to invited to every party and they are fine with that.

There's no way that I would invite the entire class just so that everyone felt included. My kids are not good friends with all of the kids in their classes and there are always the few odd kids that I honestly do not want the kids playing with, why make them invite kids that they would never ask to invite? They invite their closest friends, it always works that a few are in their class, a few may be in another class and a few are friend from outside of school.

 

[mjkacmom]

We could never afford to pay $300 for a child's birthday party. Even if it dropped from the sky, I feel like I personally could put it to better use.

Question: What is CEC/BAB? I'm in Canada and I'm not familiar with those acronyms.

.

Chuck E Cheese and Build a Bear. And again, around here, these parties are the norm. The parties are my children's birthday gifts from us. This year, I said no to parties, for various reasons, and after my twin's birthdays passed, ds7 asked me why they didn't get gifts from us - oops! I went out and got them Wii games.

 

[PaulaSue]

Op, is this your first kid?

Honestly don't be upset. MANY people only have little parties and only invite a few kids instead of paying for a whole class to come/go.

My girls (have 3) only invite 5 friends. After having 2 parties with the whole class. Lets just say they were not worth the head ache.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Op, is this your first kid?

Honestly don't be upset. MANY people only have little parties and only invite a few kids instead of paying for a whole class to come/go.

My girls (have 3) only invite 5 friends. After having 2 parties with the whole class. Lets just say they were not worth the head ache.

No, not my 1st kid. I have a 11 yo DS. At his age, most kids don't have birthday parties anymore. Though he was invited to one 2 weeks ago and another one (paintball party oh boy) next weekend.

When DS was DD's age though he went to a small private school with only 7 boys in his class so everyone got invited to everything.

We have since moved and now the kids attend public school.