Do you enforce the school's rules?

[RachelEllen]

I have a 10 year old step-son, and I'm tired of the dress code arguments every morning! (I don't participate, but I have to listen)

His school dress code is not very strict. He can wear shorts or jeans and any sort of shirt. However, shirts cannot have graphics or writing.

It seems like every morning he comes downstairs in athletic shorts and a sports T-shirt (like his baseball shirt with name and logo or another team shirt) Then, he argues with his dad about how no one follows the code or the teachers don't care,etc.

I'm big on "natural consequances" for punishment, but its seems like in this case, that would be letting him wear what he wants and having to take whatever punishment the school gives. Howver, whatever that is, it doesn't seem like it deters DSS. (I believe they give out some sort of demerit paper.) I know that it would be possible for the school to influence him. He got an I-touch from his mom at Christmas, and follows school rules about electronics perfectly. As the penalty is losing the item!

Now, we'd never let something like this fly about homework, or something substantive, but do you feel like it's your parental job to enforce a rule like this. Or is it the school's job to enforce their own rules?

My husband and I really have some serious disagreements on this in principle. I'm a believer in "follow all the rules," and that's how I live my own life. I believe once a kid sees that you are ok picking and choosing with some rules, they are going to push back and want to have a discussion about all rules. My husband is much more of a maverick type and believes that its better to give slack on the lesser rules so that you can concentrate on the big ones.

 

[piglet too]

Why not verify with the school the exact enforcement of the dress code? I am used to schools allowing wording, so long it is not profane, offensive or relating to drugs/alcohol. Maybe the school does allow sports teams clothing to be worn and the wording of the rule needs to be re-done.

ETA ~ Yes, we follow the school rules. When it comes to clothes, we do not buy any clothes that can't be worn at school.

 

[robinb]

I would let your husband lead the way on how this should be handled. There is no reason for you to be "the enforcer" if you don't have his support.

 

[RachelEllen]

The dress code is pretty clearly laid out in the policy book. I have a feeling they don't want to "deal" with judging appropriateness, so it's just "no writing"
I get what you are saying about not having clothing that doesn't work with the code, but our code is too restrictive for that. DSS plays baseball, so that's at least two noncompliant shirts that are going to be purchased each year!

(And I am dreading next year when there are no athletic shorts allowed!)

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If he is your step-son, you are at the mercy of dad.

But if it has become such an issue--

Then let him break the rules and suffer and don't bale him out.

Usually with suspensions, you will get zeros for any work during that time period--which lowers your grade.

As the parent, I feel you are responsible for making sure "school clothes" fit the code--but if the child opts to wear non-school clothes, I might be inclined to just let them deal with it.

I don't feel you are allowing him to break the rules. You are simply giving him the choice. And if he gets caught, I certainly wouldn't fight the infraction since you warned him.

But again, as step-mom--dad's the one that has to call the shots and if he doesn't care, sadly--it doesn't really matter what you say.

I'm a rule follower, big time. And I have broken a dress code or two in school. But when I got caught--that was the end of that.

 

[RachelEllen]

I would let your husband lead the way on how this should be handled. There is no reason for you to be "the enforcer" if you don't have his support.

Absolutely! This is more of a theroy question. We have a child together, so, I am interested in ways other people handle these things.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No writing is allowed? That stinks. Take a trip to school and see what the kids are wearing. Maybe they do ignore it. You have to see if he is telling the truth.

Generally I have found that kids that are well liked get away with stuff and kids that are always in trouble get picked on and get written up.

 

[RachelEllen]

No writing is allowed? That stinks. Take a trip to school and see what the kids are wearing. Maybe they do ignore it. You have to see if he is telling the truth.

Generally I have found that kids that are well liked get away with stuff and kids that are always in trouble get picked on and get written up.

I guess it's all a matter or perspective! My husband went to a inner city public school with no code. I went to a private school in this same area where we were allowed no jeans, no shorts, and no t-shirts. So to me, getting to go to school in shorts and a t-shirt makes me wonder what the fuss is about

 

[robinb]

I am not that big of a "rule follower" if I think the rules are stupid. That's just me.

We don't have much of a dress code here ... thank goodness because they fall in the "stupid" category for me. If I were in your shoes, I would not continue to argue. I would put the ball in his court and allow him to make the choice to break the rules and he will suffer any consequences from his actions. By the time kids are 10-years old they should be able to make their own choices on non-life threatening decisions like wearing a shirt that may cause problems at school. Obviously, he does not believe that there is a problem with it and either he is right and he won't get into trouble or he's wrong and he'll suffer the consequences.

FWIW, I would not hesitate to point out that I thought the shirt is a problem before he goes to school and if/when he is punished at school I would not hesitate a "I told you so!".

 

[Sparx]

No writing is allowed? That stinks. Take a trip to school and see what the kids are wearing. Maybe they do ignore it. You have to see if he is telling the truth.

Generally I have found that kids that are well liked get away with stuff and kids that are always in trouble get picked on and get written up.

I agree with this. Maybe they really are ignoring the rule.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess it's all a matter or perspective! My husband went to a inner city public school with no code. I went to a private school in this same area where we were allowed no jeans, no shorts, and no t-shirts. So to me, getting to go to school in shorts and a t-shirt makes me wonder what the fuss is about

It is a huge PITA when tons of T-Shirts have writing on them. Good Luck finding "cool" shirts without writing for girls.

Basically, I enforced the biggies, no drug/alcohol/death references on shirts, holes in the clothes, or CHAINS. That was a big one when my oldest dd was in school. Chains were "in" and I went 10 rounds with dd and did NOT allow her to wear them to school.

I let the "skulls" slide and said if you get in trouble don't come crying to me. They never did because my kids are suck ups and girls. Guys tend to get in trouble more than the girls.

 

[claudia]

I would let your husband lead the way on how this should be handled. There is no reason for you to be "the enforcer" if you don't have his support.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I believe in letting children learn from their mistakes. Let them wear what they want and deal with the consequences. Want to wear those shorts when it is 20 degrees outside? Fine with me, but I am not going to bring you a change of pants when you realize your mistake.

 

[happygirl]

I won't buy my kids anything they can't wear to school. Yes, I make my kids follow the rules while they are at schoo.

 

[kellyg403]

I am not that big of a "rule follower" if I think the rules are stupid. That's just me.

This is my husband exactly! I am more like the OP, a serious rule follower and feel that rules that I don't agree with on technicalities aren't stupid just rules that I probably haven't or wouldn't break anyway.

OP, I feel that with the yours/mine/ours situation the truth of the matter is that you and your dh need to find the middle ground. DH and I had/have this issue crop up and it is a lot harder to be frustrated about it, because you become resentful. And trust me, that is an even worse place to be. I have had to learn to loosen up and let whatever happens happens in certain situations. He has had to learn that when I feel strongly about a rule or something along those lines he has to support me. It is STILL 11 years later a work in progress!

So in this situation I would probably let it go and let the chips fall where they may no matter how much I want to follow the handbook to the letter. The consequences for dad and son to follow. Trust me, when dad has to leave work one day to pick up son or bring him new clothes this will become a non issue. Kinda like the day my dh had to go to school and take new clothes. Funny thing is he took terrible clothes that barely matched to the middle school. Dsd was mortified to wear them and he was mad. And it was eye opening experiencing when he opened the same closet door I had been 'whining' about getting cleaned for two months. So poor dsd didn't wear the wrong thing ever again and would even ask me if the shirt showed her belly or whatever. Learning lesson for all. And a cleaned closet for me!

HTH! Good luck!

Kelly

 

[Pigeon]

When my kids complain that everyone else's mother lets them.... (wear tank tops to school, text during class, etc.), I just tell them I'm not parenting everyone else's children, I'm parenting them.

Our school has a perfectly reasonable dress code. No short shorts, no tank tops, no swinging chains, no belly showing. I'm good with that, and I'd like to keep the dress code as is. I tell them that the violators are what gives schools fodder for going to uniforms, which I think are completely unreasonable for public school.

So yes, I enforce the school's reasonable dress code at home. My kids don't give me much grief over it beyond trying it out once or twice at the beginning of the school year to see where they get.

OTOH, were the school to go to uniforms, I would actively help the children violate those rules.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I won't buy my kids anything they can't wear to school. Yes, I make my kids follow the rules while they are at schoo.

That is easy to do when your kids are young. You will do battle one day, unless your kids are in uniform.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I mostly do, but not always. In your case I'd ask the teacher how strictly she enforces the rule. After all the year is almost over, why risk a detention or something? Have you seen the other kids at his school? Do they follow this rule or not? I suppose a parent drop off or pick-up would be an easy way to solve the question because either the other kids are wearing the stuff, or they aren't.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I mostly do, but not always. In your case I'd ask the teacher how strictly she enforces the rule. After all the year is almost over, why risk a detention or something? Have you seen the other kids at his school? Do they follow this rule or not? I suppose a parent drop off or pick-up would be an easy way to solve the question because either the other kids are wearing the stuff, or they aren't.

Right.

At my dd's middle school, the dress code is clearly not being enforced. I drop my dd off and see what the kids are wearing. Girls are wearing shorts that are waaay to short. Now granted our rules are not as strict as the OP's.

 

[kirstenb1]

We go through this when we go clothing shopping. Earlier this week, dd wanted a minidress from Abercrombie. I wasn't a fan, so she had to spend her own money. I asked her if it was long enough for dress code. She said it was. Their punishment is to wear a gym uniform picked out of a bin of leftovers for the whole day. I figure this will be punishment enough if she screws up. But you have to know your kid. DD is vain enough that this would really upset her. A more chilled out kid, this probably wouldn't phase them.