Do you call your in-laws to check on them

[ksjayhawks]

I don't call the ILs anymore. Used to many years ago, but after they ripped into me about 7 years ago, out of the blue, totally unexpected, in front of my 10yo ds and my dh, hatred spewing out of their mouths and eyes, I no longer care to have anything to do with them. I am cordial and polite, as I would be to a stranger that I came into contact with, when I have to be. Other than that dh talks to them occasionally--once a month to 6 weeks I believe. Sometimes he mentions it if there is news that I need to know about others in the community, most of the time he doesn't.

They also did the same thing with their other ds and ddil. They even skipped their dgs's wedding due to this, even after dbil called and asked them to come for dgs's sake. Dbil talks to them even less than dh does. So sad . . .

They are toxic people and I surround myself with people who love and care for me and that I love and care about.

 

[Piglet4Ever]

My DH calls his parents once a week, sometimes his parents call here first, it just depends. I am the bad one, I usually call my own folks once or twice a month.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My inlaws are both deceased. When they were here, I didn't call them unless we had something specific to discuss like plans for dinner or a holiday. My DH wasn't great about calling them and they let him know on a regular basis. He said whenever he called them, he would get a 10 minute lecture about not calling more often. My MIL didn't think she should have to call us. She felt it was our responsibility to keep in touch. So she spent a lot of time being disappointed. She once said she was "too proud" to give us a call and suggest we get together. I never understood that.

On the other hand, I still usually talk to my parents everyday and see them at least once a week. It's never been formal or forced between us. I just call and talk about everyday things. There's no agenda or expectations. My dad usually answers the phone and we talk about whatever is going on in the news or I tell him funny things my boys did or said. Sometimes my mom calls and we spend an hour talking about General Hospital!

 

[Minnie*J*]

I think I probably call my in-laws more than my dh does. Mil and I talk on the phone at least once a week. I don't call them out of obligation. They are my family and I want to talk to them and see how they are doing. Maybe the families who give their sons grief for not calling enough, would stop if their sons called more frequently. I think it is sad that they are feeling left out of their children's lives. My kids are still pretty young, but I would be heartbroken if my children's only communication with me was an "obligatory" phone call every month or two (or longer).

 

[shortbun]

My parents are both gone. My husband is lucky enough to still have both his parents. He does not think he should call them except for maybe 1x a month. They don't live along, their daughter, granddaughter and great grandson all live with them.

He called them today (after my reminding him each day) for their anniversary. They gave him a hard time about not calling and checking up on them during the recent snow storm.

I don't feel like I should be the one calling them. I have no problems with them but we don't have a close relationship and I know they would rather hear from their son.

I call my in-laws at least once a week. My husband calls them that often too.
My MIL calls us in between. I don't see your point about not calling them because they are 'his' parents. Life is not a game of who's supposed to do what because who's blood related. Family is family regardless of the reason for connection. You could call them and when you're done talking to them, hand the phone to him. If my son grows up and I only talk to him once a month, I'll be pretty ticked off. If he marries a woman who isn't interested in a relationship with me, that would be really bad. Also, they could call him as well. Your whole family seems to be pushing off the responsibility of being any sort of 'family.' Why?

 

[disneybound2010]

My DMIL is the only mother I have now. When my DMom passed, it was DMIL that helped me through all of it. We have a very close relationship and I try to call her at least once a week...we usually end up at her house 1 or 2 times a week as well. DFIL is AWESOME! He lives about a block away and we see him almost daily. Whether DH is with me or not,I just stop in to see him and his DGF and spend some quality time together.

My own DDad also lives close by and I either call or talk to him in person about every other day. DH does the same. He and my DDad are very close and feels very comfortable just stopping by to say howdy.


I guess I just don't get the whole "in-law" thing. I married my DH, but I also took his family as mine and vice versa. It is because of them that DH is who he is and I love them for that! Sure we have our ups and downs at times,but what FAMILY doesn't?! They are 100% family to me.

 

[donac]

Dh has been calling his dm about once a week in the last month because she has been sick. But before this if you were to call the phone call would be about 1 minute long. I once spoke to dmil and asked her how things were going. ANything new and her comment was no. A week later we were at their house and I saw on their frig that they were going to visit bil out in the midwest.

Dh is at his folks house about once every two weeks during the grass growing season since he does their lawn

 

[nmmom95]

DH hasn't spoken to his parents in almost 9 years (long story). When they did speak, she would play those "you call me because I'm the parent" games. If you want to talk to your child, call. It annoys me when people just complain that DS/DD doesn't call. My grandmother is also like that. If my parents want to talk to me, they call me as often as I call them. We see my parent quite often.

 

[momof2blondes]

I guess it really depends on the relationship you have with your iL's. I am fortunate enough to have IL's that treat me as if I am their biological daughter, and they dote on their grandchildren. They have helped us out so many times, and have been more then generous to us as we have gone through some tough times. Maybe because DH is an only child so we're all they have in way of family, and they also live in the same city so that makes it easy.
That being said, I hate the phone and rarely call them. Their health is declining and so I do call when I know that they have appointments etc. and I know that in the future we will be helping them out a lot, but they have done the same for us so....
My DH calls at least once a week, and keeps me up to date. I drop in at FIL's work when I have time to say hello. We also go over for dinner about once a month and we normally travel with them somewhere in the summers or go to the trailer together.
This year we are all going to Disney World

But I think the reason we have that relationship is because they always made sure that they were a part of our lives. And they call us and visit us too, its a two way street.

And thats just how I was raised, family means everything IMHO.

You may be pleasantly surprised if you put the effort into giving your IL's a call, you may form a relationship that you didn't think you could have with them!

And I would encourage you DH to call. My DH had issues with his parents when we first married and through the years I have pushed him to forgive and move on. Now he has a relationship that is secure and one I think he never thought he would have, part of it was his maturing and part of it I like to think was my encouragement. It could have easily have gone a different way.

 

[crz4mm2]

No. I don't.
DH eats lunch with them several times a week.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I must be weird because I have no problem checking in on the in-laws. In life I have run across very few men who link up with their parents often without the wife being instrumental in the arrangement. I'm ok with that job because it gives me some basis for a relationship with my in-laws... after all the only thing we really have in common is my DH... and now my kids.

Even though we live right next door to the in-laws our busy lives can make it so we go weeks without seeing each other during the winter. So this past year I decided to make it a point to make dinner for them every Saturday & Sunday, and it's been going very well. We stay current with each other's goings on but there is the nice buffer of the kids being around so the conversations stay light.

I won't lie and say they never get on my nerves, of course they do... but then again who doesn't? They are family so I make room in our lives for them. I don't know how much appreciated I am, but it's not about that. I'm giving my kids an environment where they feel loved and cared for. Also, I'm teaching them how to treat others including, well me when I get old I suppose, so that's worth it. If you reap what you sow maybe I'll be alright in old age. It may be old school but that's they way I like it

 

[MIGrandma]

DH calls his Dad (they spend their winter in Florida) 3-4 times a month probably to see how they're doing. Or his Dad calls him. It's a 2-way street for them.

I probably should call my Mom more often than I do. I just hate talking on the phone, even to her. I would rather keep in touch through actual visiting (I go see her at least once a week), and e-mail and Facebook. I remember when her Mom died it really bothered her to be missing the phone calls. She called her Mom every day. It was hard for her to get used to not being able to do that.

 

[marcyinPA]

My FIL's wife and I keep in touch by email and Facebook! I do have to remind my DH to call his dad though. He usually doesn't think of it on his own.

 

[ajk912]

Both sentiments I agree with. Call me a traditionalist but the way I learned things was that when two people married they were joining two families. Unless one family is abusive and must be disowned for your own self-preservation it's important to keep those relationships going. If there are children involved it's even more important that parents maintain relationships with both families. Kids like to know where they came from. That family tree goes back a long way.

Women do tend to be a bit better at keeping communication going so I put more expectation on them. Doesn't excuse the sons and husbands but it explains why they need some pressure now and then.



Look at this way. As parents you spend 20+ years of your youth caring for children spending all your free time and money nurturing them to become happy constructive adults. How ungrateful does a kid have to be to get all that support then turn around and forget their parents even exist? Especially when those parents are now at an age when their bodies are failing, their peers are dying, and their time is getting shorter.

I get that some people aren't phone people and some are just really poor communicators. What bugs me is seeing older folks tormented with feeling their youthful efforts were in vain and knowing that those neglectful adult children will someday cry at funerals, seeking solace, because they didn't have enough time to spend with their elder parent. It's never right.

When I was growing up we did almost everything with my grandmother. She was the only grandparent I had left as they all died before I was born or was very young. She went on family vacations with us. We went to her house for weekend dinners. She came to ours for Christmas weekend. She had an active social life with her friends but we were her family. It was our job to look out for her. Her sons weren't around as much but even they had the conscience to apologize when they let life keep them away too long. Both my parents were committed to looking after this woman. She wasn't an "in-law" she was a "mom" to them both.

I haven't made it all the way through the thread yet, but I had to stop here. I think maybe the elder parents forget that the adult children are probably INSANELY busy, as we are? Between raising our own kids, jobs, school, homework, running from one activity to the next, etc..you know how hectic life is with young kids...it would be really nice if there wasn't a hidden scorecard about who is/isn't calling enough. I understand if the parents are in incredibly poor health (just had surgery or aren't self sufficient) then I get the "calling to check on someone" type calls. But otherwise..the phone works both ways. Please don't lay all the responsibility on me to call. I will if I can and if I remember, but to be honest I have a gazillion other responsibilities and since you are retired (as many elder parents are) please bend a little and not be upset if I don't live up to your invisible scorecard. Or even better, call me. If I am busy, I will let the call go to voicemail and I will calll you back later.

 

[Pakey]

I've been happily married for 25 years; I don't even know my inlaws phone number and certainly would never call them.

 

[janets]

I don't call MIL. I don't have much of a relationship with her these last few years for a number of reason, not the least of which is that I am increasingly appalled at how she raised her son (another long story). DH, in the past, never seemed to be bothered by the fact that he didn't speak to her unless she called here.

Last March, she became seriously ill. He spent the better part of March down with her at the hospital. You'd think by his behavior that he had had an epiphany and realized what a crappy son he had been all these years. Nope.

Once she started to recover and it seemed as if she was okay, he went right back to his old ways. This woman has stage 4 ovarian cancer. Luckily the chemo put her into remission, but we all know that could end at any time. Yet while he does speak to her a bit more frequently, he always manages to do it when the kids aren't around, so they rarely speak to her, and he doesn't see her for weeks at a time (this time was 11 weeks between visits). The woman only lives about a hour away...take your sons and visit her.

I stay out of it now. Don't speak to her and don't see her. He wants to go, take the kids and go. I have a day to myself. You don't want to call, don't call. She raised him this way, she was given a life threatening diagnosis, but refuses to tell him that she wants to speak to him more and see him and the boys more.

If she refuses to take matters into her own hands, and is willing to accept the mediocre amount he's willing to give her, who am I to fight him on it?

I talk to my mom multiple times a day and she helps with my kids daily. We always see her on the weekends (and if I'm lucky I see her during the week). I have an incredibly close relationship with my mom.

 

[Disney Doll]

My in-laws are gone now, but I used to call them, they called us, DH would stop in during the course of any given week and chat or drop something off & I would do the same. I never got into the "they're his parents so he should deal with them" mindset...once I married DH, his parents belonged to both of us, as do mine. They were just a part of our lives...we didn't feel obliged to call them every day, because just in the course of our day to day life and dealings, one or the other of us usually did speak to or see them daily, or at leats fairly regularly where I don't think they felt ignored or neglected. But we also didn't do an "obligatory" once a week call...we all jusy existed together, getting in touch when we felt like getting in touch or when we had a reason to get in touch. I am thinking that because they knew we all existed together, they didn't get that "you never call me" attitude, because they never got the vibe that it was a chore to call them or stop by or whatever.... I had a very easy relationship with my in-laws. Overall, they liked me and I liked them. They gave me the greatest gift of my life...the man who is my husband.

Our relationship is the same with my parents. As my parents have aged (they are both in their 80's now) I make it a point to check in with them daily, I usually see them at least once a week, DH will stop by if he is in their neighborhood and have a cup of coffee with them. I like to be in touch daily because they are older, and while they are independent, I feel like being in daily touch might be valuable in picking up on something that might be going wrong. My brother also calls or stops in on a fairly regular basis. He lives a little farther away from my parents than I do and has a killer commute for work, so he contacts them slightly less, but still fairly regularly and is always there when they need something. I'm about 10 minutes fomr Mom & Dad (7 if I hit the traffic lights the right way) so I just have more opportunity to see them & pop in. Brother & I have kind of divided the worklaod...he handles the household stuff (leaky pipes etc) that my parents can't handle on their own and I handle medical issues. Like I said though, while my parents are slowing down, for their age they are still great...live independently, manage their lives, Dad still drives. They actually require very little of us.

DH's parents died young...they were both 69...and they were both healthy independent people who got cancer and died, so there wasn't the sort of slow "failing" or "slowing down" that we are seeing with my parents. If DH's parents were still alive now, they'd be close to 80 as well, so we'd probably be checking in with them daily as well, to keep an eye on all the old people!

When I read some of the in-law posts here, I feel very fortunate....

 

[mumom95]

I used to call. But I had a falling out with my in-laws and I no longer speak to them. I do encourage the relationship between dh, the kids and them though. But my dh very seldom calls them, and it's usually only when I remind him too (which I don't do much anymore).

They live a couple hours away from here, and are in ok health (my FIL is fine, my MIL has had a bunch of problems for years, but none of them life and death type problems). It will be interesting to see how things play out in the years to come. I don't know if he'll step up more when health issues do come into play or not. He has a brother (who also lives by us) who has always been closer to his parents. But his brother is pretty selfish, so I don't know.

 

[binny]

I dont, DH calls when he feels like it. FIL calls about once a week or so to talk about whatever game is on.

I do call my mum though. She is my responsibility, in laws are his.

I do however text or email my brothers to remind them of certain important dates to make sure they call mum since Dad is gone.

 

[ZPT1022]

My parents are both gone. My husband is lucky enough to still have both his parents. He does not think he should call them except for maybe 1x a month. They don't live along, their daughter, granddaughter and great grandson all live with them.

He called them today (after my reminding him each day) for their anniversary. They gave him a hard time about not calling and checking up on them during the recent snow storm.

I don't feel like I should be the one calling them. I have no problems with them but we don't have a close relationship and I know they would rather hear from their son.

Without reading any responses, I'm in the middle on this one. Yes, he should probably call more often but I can also see how he doesn't worry as much as he would if they were alone, and I'm a BIG believer in "the phone works both ways".

I have older relatives that get mad that I'm not constantly having the kids call them. You know what? They get up early for school, have a long extended school day (magnet school, they get on the bus at 6:15 and don't get home til 5:00). They have just enough time to get home, have dinner, do homework, have baths or showers and get to bed. Somehow we fit in doctor, dentist, orthodontist and physical therapy appointments as well as religious ed and the occasional project or performance from school. At the risk of sounding like a jerk, our days are totally packed full and making time for the kids to spend 1/2 hour on the phone is not always a huge priority.

Then again, these seniors that are home doing nothing don't pick up the phone either. If you're upset by not enough communication, you can always do something to change it, not just complain that the other party isn't doing it for you.

I will say my feelings change a bit for folks who don't have anyone else looking in on them or checking up- my MIL is a widow who lives alone so we do take more care to make sure she's okay vs my mom who has a best friend/roommate or DH's grandmother who lives in senior housing and they have a system for checking in on each other every day