Do people really still think like this???

[cheermom1]

My mom and aunt were talking about cheating (why I don't know) anyway what I heard was this...

My aunt was saying that it is always the woman's fault, if she had done this or that he wouldn't have cheated and the other woman should have kept her hands off the married man b/c all he can do is think with his yoohoo..she kept going on and on about it..I could see the look on my moms face like she can't believe this ..mom turned to me and asked me my thoughts (b/c I don;t sugar coat anything and she knew I would tell her like it is) so I looked at her and said "there is this little thing called shelf control and YES men do have it too."

really do people still think like this?? since when can men not make a choice as to cheat or not to cheat???

 

[LadyZolt]

My aunt was saying that it is always the woman's fault, if she had done this or that he wouldn't have cheated ....

I sure don't think that way. I see these things on TV where some woman is mad at some other woman because the second woman had an affair with the first woman's husband and every single time I think, "Why be mad at the other woman? It is your husband who took a vow to 'forsake all others' and this woman never made any vow to you." I just don't "get" how anyone can blame the other woman for her own husband not keeping his vows.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[ElizK]

I strongly believe that if both partners are happy and satisfied in their marriage, neither will look elsewhere. Having said that, I would not say that being unhappy is an excuse to have an affair, nor that the blame would fall on the other if one did.

 

[cheermom1]

I know trust me ..he CAN say NO!! geez really? I don't understand where my aunt got this from? My grandma (her mom) certainly doesn't think like that..I'd like to know WHO put that in her head? oh wait I know her DH did that's right

 

[busyshrew]

Um... no, I don't know anyone who's ever voiced that opinion.

So, all things being equal, that means that if *I*, as the wife, were to have an affair, then it's not my fault? That my husband drove me to it, and the other man lured me away?

Sorry for laughing... I just couldn't even imagine up that scenario...

Now, I do keep teasing my DH that I wouldn't mind if he gets me a sister-wife (can you tell we watch Big Love?). He always replies with "He** no! Are you crazy? That means getting another MIL too!". Smart man.

 

[cheermom1]

Um... no, I don't know anyone who's ever voiced that opinion.

So, all things being equal, that means that if *I*, as the wife, were to have an affair, then it's not my fault? That my husband drove me to it, and the other man lured me away?

Sorry for laughing... I just couldn't even imagine up that scenario...

Now, I do keep teasing my DH that I wouldn't mind if he gets me a sister-wife (can you tell we watch Big Love?). He always replies with "He** no! Are you crazy? That means getting another MIL too!". Smart man.

LOL I tease my dh too ..he says and I'm quoting "UMM I can't handle the one I already got what makes you think I can handle another?" LOL

Well not according to my aunt b/c she said that only men think with their yoohoo...

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I had a dear great-aunt turn to me when I was about 25 and tell me to just let my husband have his boat and his hunting. "If he's fishing or hunting with the guys, you know exactly where he is and what he's doing. Meanwhile, you can do whatever you like." (She meant shopping, my favorite pasttime. )

My own, dear, sweet, devoutly Christian mother told me to keep things spicy in the bedroom and make sure we're both always happy and to be BFFs outside the bedroom as a means of keeping a man from straying.

I think they're both right and I think it goes both ways. If you have interests outside each other, and you keep your sex life important and you're BFF's, straying isn't a problem. If you fall down on this, the relationship has problems and cheating might be one symptom of it. And while it might be one partner who cheats, I think blame would fall on both parties for the fact that the relationship has serious cracks. (And yes, I do think that sometimes, rarely, the fault may be with the person cheated on for not cutting his/her losses and leaving a relationship she/he knew was bad.)

That said. . .I've known people who thought their marriage was perfect, only to find that their spouse was cheating. . .in those cases, if one party was a lying sack of something-you-can't-say-on-the-DIS, then the cheater is a wretched blankety-blank. But I know of more cases where there WERE real issues in the relationship and instead of working on them, people cheated.

 

[bumbershoot]

Well not according to my aunt b/c she said that only men think with their yoohoo...

Sounds like maybe her husband can only think with his, um, yoohoo. And to make herself feel better, she thinks that all men are like that.

My MIL is like that, and it really freaks her out that her second son is such an honorable guy. Also freaks her out that he does laundry, dishes, and didn't want to become a sailor like his father because he actually wanted to be with his family (his father would leave the house to get AWAY from his family...took an extra merchant marine tour right after my husband was born to punish his wife for raising him in the traditional Korean way instead of the Depression-era American way he was raised). It just blows MIL's mind, and for several years she was really rude about it. Now, it seems, she's turning to the "happy for Molly" side, but the defenses still come up.


So I might treat your aunt with extra kindness, even saying it outright that you're sorry the men in her life have been like that, but not ALL men are missing brains up top.

 

[hereyago]

Yes, people still think this way. I don't myself. I married someone who left his gf at the time for me. I thought I was so special, my love would keep him with me-blah blah blah. Ok, I was freaking Donna Reed in the day time and Heidi Fleis at night.

He told the thing he left me for that I didn't do this or that. Funny thing, after I didn't take him back, a year later, there was yet another girl and thing number 1 was gone. I wonder what he told the next girl.

He is always one who has no self control, on GF 8, still cheats when he can. He will always be like that. He and I get along great now, not my problem what he does.

Alot of times, I have found that people like the person, like I have always been spunky, matter of fact, but then people want you to change and when that doesn't happen, then it is a problem. my Dm met my DF when he was playing music, he never stopped playing, but she wouldn't go out and hear him play because he was a very outgoing person, which attracted her at first.

 

[N.Bailey]

I strongly believe that if both partners are happy and satisfied in their marriage, neither will look elsewhere. Having said that, I would not say that being unhappy is an excuse to have an affair, nor that the blame would fall on the other if one did.

My best friend was living with this guy at one time who was SO addicted to those 1-800 numbers for adult conversation that he hid the the phone bill from my GF till the phone company eventually shut their line off. Upon inquiring, my GF found out they owed a bill in the THOUSANDS of dollars.

It took a long time to get that paid off, but in the meantime, and I guess this is where I should mention that his father is a minister, the guy went to his father's church and started calling from there. Again, that bill went sky high too.

He was constantly cheating on my friend too, but she never found all that out till she finally dumped his sorry butt.

My friend would do ANYTHING to please a man she's with, too. I don't want to get too graphic there, but some of the stuff she's told me just had me shaking my head most of the time. If he wasn't satisfied (at least sexually) with her, I don't think he'd be satisfied with any woman.

Happy? You might have a point there, but he always seemed happy to me. Prior to meeting this winner, I might have agree with you.

As for the question at hand, it's the cheating spouse who is at fault, not the women (unless she's the one cheating), and most definitely, not the outside party.

 

[Docwoods]

Your aunt's girdle must have been too tight,or maybe she had too many Manhattans.What antiquated thinking.

 

[damren]

an old boyfriend once told me that women were the root of all evil
There are ALOT of closed minded people who are just ignorant. I'm not sure it's always thier fault, it just the way and time they raised

 

[luvmy3]

I think that the older generation (50's housewives) think that.

The cheaters are the ones at fault, period.

 

[Robinrs]

Some women like to blame women for EVERYTHING, it's the way they were raised. Men can get away with murder because they are just "boys"...

I cannot blame it on the older generation because my Mom was the exact opposite, but my sisters are just like your aunt. Me? NO ONE can make you do something you're not supposed to do but yourself. Blamism when you do something immoral is inexcusable.

 

[cheermom1]

Just to clarify I did say that her mom doesn't think like this or she would still be with her first husband..I do know she got it form her DH and this how I know...

I used to live a block from my gma, she was having a get together one day in aug., I decided to walk so I put on a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, and put my hair in a pony tail, NO make up or anything it was just casual..I took my kids down and realized I forgot something so i went back ...on my way back to gma's a car full of teenage guys drive by me and start whistling and hollering things at me like oh baby and stuff...I got to my gma's and my dad and uncle (this aunts dh) were outside talking so I told my dad what happened b/c I blew my mind that they did that without me all made up or anything and it made me feel pretty good...dad said he had to use the bathroom so he went inside, my uncle turned to me and said that I brought all that on myself with the way I dressed and that I had the intention for them to do that with me walking...
I was upset to say the least and I told my dad and he came unglued on my uncle ...so that says everything in the way they think...besides I thought it was all about intent when it came to Jezibell not the fact of what she was wearing

 

[tinkntraining]

The cheaters are the ones at fault, period.

ITA.
I also believe that a married man or married woman should be considered "hands off" to the outside world. Old-fashioned, nah. I just believe in the sanctity of marriage. I'd be naive to think my DH hasn't had the "opportunity" to stray (as have I) but so far, so good. I think it's very important that he is my soulmate, my Best Friend, and he couldn't do that to his best friend. I know I couldn't.

But, there are many, many people out there who believe the very same thing as your Aunt.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I"Why be mad at the other woman? It is your husband who took a vow to 'forsake all others' and this woman never made any vow to you." I just don't "get" how anyone can blame the other woman for her own husband not keeping his vows.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

Well I *do* get it. When you know the man is married and has a wife and kids at home, you are 50% responsible. The other woman is guilty and will be taken down, down to Chinatown along with the cheater. Of course, if you cheat with a married man and honestly thought he wasn't married, that's a different story.

Secondly, the betrayed spouse is NEVER responsible for their spouses adultery. Never. A betrayed spouse never gives their permission for their spouse to cheat. That decision is made 100% by the wayward spouse. Both spouses are equally (50%) responsible for the problems in the marriage. But one ONE spouse is totally responsible for the cheating.

 

[cheermom1]

Well I *do* get it. When you know the man is married and has a wife and kids at home, you are 50% responsible. The other woman is guilty and will be taken down, down to Chinatown along with the cheater. Of course, if you cheat with a married man and honestly thought he wasn't married, that's a different story.

Secondly, the betrayed spouse is NEVER responsible for their spouses adultery. Never. A betrayed spouse never gives their permission for their spouse to cheat. That decision is made 100% by the wayward spouse. Both spouses are equally (50%) responsible for the problems in the marriage. But one ONE spouse is totally responsible for the cheating.

ITA ..I don;t buy this crap about that is your fault if there are problems in the marriage and your spouse cheats b/c you weren't keeping it spicy or something..the cheaters still have a voice that CAN say NO!! if there is problems in the marriage either get help or leave but do not cheat!!! And if you do DO NOT blame the other spouse come on they didn't make you say yes ..now there may circumstances were the spouse may feel like cheating but it is still up to that ONE person to yes or no not the spouse your are cheating on they are not there...

 

[MrsPete]

My mom and aunt were talking about cheating (why I don't know) anyway what I heard was this...

My aunt was saying that it is always the woman's fault, if she had done this or that he wouldn't have cheated and the other woman should have kept her hands off the married man b/c all he can do is think with his yoohoo..she kept going on and on about it..I could see the look on my moms face like she can't believe this ..mom turned to me and asked me my thoughts (b/c I don;t sugar coat anything and she knew I would tell her like it is) so I looked at her and said "there is this little thing called shelf control and YES men do have it too."

really do people still think like this?? since when can men not make a choice as to cheat or not to cheat???

This line of thought is completely unreasonable BUT I know why a woman would adopt these ideas:

Thinking this way removes all blame from the husband, and she can go on thinking he's the sun, the moon, and the stars. If she accepted that he was a cheater, she'd have to be angry with him.

And thinking this way removes all blame from herself. It wasn't that she failed to keep him interested, failed to notice what he was up to, put other things ahead of him, etc.

And it puts the blame solidly on an outsider. An evil woman -- all sorts of names are available for her. If the other woman is the target of the spurned wife's anger, then she doesn't have to accept that anything's wrong within her own family.

Note: I'm not saying that this line of thought is acceptable or correct in any way. But I do understand the idea of pushing blame on the wrong person to avoid pain.

 

[NY Disney fan]

And it puts the blame solidly on an outsider. An evil woman -- all sorts of names are available for her. If the other woman is the target of the spurned wife's anger, then she doesn't have to accept that anything's wrong within her own family.

Note: I'm not saying that this line of thought is acceptable or correct in any way. But I do understand the idea of pushing blame on the wrong person to avoid pain.

The blame should go to an outsider if they knowingly get invovled in your life. A stranger makes no vows to me, but does that give him the right to rob me, rape me, beat me? He made no vows to me or promises to me. Does that give him the right to get involved in my life?