Divorced moms/parents whatever, question for you.

[pyrxtc]

I am going to be honest here.

I have been split from my ex for most of our DD's life. This month, it was 11 years since he left. No money for divorce for years but we were seperated for a long time, almost 5 yrs before it went through the courts.

He was making about $35,000, I was in school full time and working making about $9,000 a year. State declared that he would pay $109 a week in support. Cover her and I for insurance until I remarried and then continue her coverage until she was 18 or out of school, whichever was longer. He got the car, we split the debt which was mostly his spending but some bills. We lived about 15-20 minutes from each other at the time of ruling. He was also supposed to be able to claim her for taxes every other year because he was supposedly paying more than half her support. I signed stupid stuff cuz I couldn't afford a lawyer and his parents paid for his. I didn't know better.

FF, I moved about 1 1/2 hours north of where he was living with his parents. He moved 30-40 minute south about a year later. He doesn't always pay his support. I have waited more than 6 months to receive money. He had insurance for us for about 3 months, then it was just for DD despite court ruling and after about 9 months, he had no insurance at all since he quit his job. She was 2 when that happened. I went on State insurance and public assistance since with no job, he started being late on his CS. They took CS and I barely made it through the month and eventually lost my apartment and lived with my parents again for 2 yrs.

today I called to ask what hapened to the check he sent out 3/4 weeks ago. Or rather he said he sent one out, after all these years I still want to believe he isn't lying when he says that even though 90% of the time he is. (Money goes thru the state so I know when it gets there.) I have called about 6 times since last Monday. No calls back just like always. He'll call on Thursday before his weekend to say what time on Friday he is coming. usually works but DD is doing cheer so it changes for fall. for the last 5 yrs it changes for fall. I started calling him to tell him what time her game was and where for this coming weekend, his weekend.

It is 35 minutes closer than my house but don't have an exact end time. All DD wants is for her father to see her cheer, 5 yrs and nothing. He shows up 15 minutes after game is over so he won't see her. He refuses cuz he thinks cheer is stupid. he has been to 2 school things in DD's life and she is in 6th grade.

Today he says he is not getting her cuz I won't bring her down to him. he wants to alternate and I said no. I don't have money for gas for that. (he is about $1,000 behind in CS, again) He complains that he doesn't make the same money he did then, I told him to get it adjusted, he won't. I reminded him that he doesn't pay insurance still or participate in her life other than 2 x's a month. he complains that I don't let him claim her, I told him to go to a lawyer and prove that he pays more than half or at least half of her support each year to be able to claim her. he won't do that either. (I did consult a lawyer about this and they said to let him try to prove it and just keep claiming her until then.) he doesn't pay anything towards anything else. School trip, cheer expenses, band expenses,school supplies or clothing, nothing.

Am I wrong for not agreeing (or his word "compromise") to drive her to him every other weekend?

He thinks that because I am a SAHM, I have an easy life. I do have other kids and drive them all over creation for whatever they need, also volunteer in school and have 4 part-time jobs through the year. 1 is seasonal but the rest are all year.

My Dh pays his CS and is active in his DD's life outside his weekends. We go to school stuff, take her shopping, all medical stuff and anything else that needs doing. We fight to spend more time with her. DH drives her both ways to her house to or meets her mother a little more than half way.

When I can, I meet ex half way also but he is never there when he says, so it doesn't happen very often. If I am going his way, I will bring her to him.

 

[pyrxtc]

Oh and on Sunday's we do meet him part way.

 

[VeroBeachGirl]

Sounds like a tough situation. My advice would be to stop expecting your ex to act like you wish he would and just accept that he is the way he is and will never change. It might be a hardship to bend over backwards for your daughter to meet with her father, but I think it is worth it. Don't think of it as making things easier for your ex, think of it as providing your daughter with time with her father. Something every girl needs.
If he is not providing what is mandated in your custody/separation agreement, then you should go through the courts to get what was awarded to you. Don't expect him to "man up" because it sounds like he just won't do that.
I wish you the best of luck!

 

[tmarquez]

Does your DD want to go on her visits with her dad? If she does, I would say try your best to meet him halfway.

My parents divorce when I was very young and as a young child my visits with my dad meant the world to me (no matter what a jerk my mom said he was!). But he was not involved in my school life or activities (like cheer for your DD).

Eventually, as I got older (I think 7th grade may have been the magic # for me) I realized that he was not really that interested in my life AND I became more interested in being with my friends at home than my visits with him.

Don't get in the way of their relationship...but if they start to drfit, they start to drift.

Just my 2 cents!

 

[disneyJMD]

I have been dealing with my husbands ex for a long time. She left when my stepson was three and then decided to reappear when my husband and I got married. She has done everything to make our life difficult, but we continued to try and be civil to her. She also did not pay her C/S, but it was ordered out of MA, so I am not sure of the process in NH, but for us they were pretty aggressive towards pursuing the arrearage.
She and I are quite different, and it has certainly taken a toll on my stepson. I think she did some growing up, and the last year has been significantly better, as she realized what she was doing to her son. She still lacks the discipline side of things, and my stepson sees her more as a friend than a mother, but we are trying to work together at doing what is best for him.
I know that I didn't really answer your question, but I wanted to let you know that I have been through the "ex" stuff and I have never dealt with so much stress in my life, so I understand what you are going through and hopefully it will get better.
As for the driving, we usually do compromise and meet halfway. (Although my husband says if she wants to take him, make her come and get him!)

 

[pyrxtc]

my support order is out of MA to but they do nothing except put it on his credit report.

Well the Sunday drive is me 37 miles and him 52 miles. I used to try to meet him on Friday's but he would never be there on time. he has been hours late so I can't count on that anymore and don't have the hours to spare. even now, he says he'll be here for 3 and get her from school and I have to wait at school to make sure he gets her. I usually end up taking her home and he shows up closer to 5. his last weekend, he was supposed to be there at 11 and finally got her at 1:30.

 

[wilderness01]

No, you are not wrong. It sounds like he is very self centered and has not ever held up his end of the bargain.

So you are supposed to meet him half way to save him time and gas and then he either no shows or is hours late? That would only happen to me and my daughter once and then never again. I'm sure that makes her feel bad waiting at the half way point only to realize she wasn't important enough to be on time for. Shame on him. At least if she is at home, she can be preoccupied.

Sorry but I would not be meeting anyone half way with this track record.

 

[JKMJ441724]

Am I wrong for not agreeing (or his word "compromise") to drive her to him every other weekend?

Heck no.

Being a parent is a privilege and in my book, he has lost his chance. Your daughter will know in the end that you were the one making all the concessions and she will love you and still resent him.

I think your daughter is old enough to be part of the discussion, though. What does she think?

 

[pyrxtc]

well, she doesn't know anything except he is always late. I told her once in her life that he owed me support and that was cuz I was sick of hearing from her that he couldn't take her anywhere cuz I take all his money. I showed her the online account that I hadn't gotten money in 6 months. She is naive for her age and I don't want to kill her ideal father for her, she will realize soon enough. (I hope !) I don't talk him up, cover for him, or make excuses for him. he can step in his own mess, I don't have to make one for him.

Honestly the only time she ever talks about him when he is picking her up and when he drops her off, usually even then she talks about her Nonny and what she did with her. The 2 weeks in-between visits, he is never mentioned and not on her brain cuz it's not like he calls or anything.

 

[Lovin Mickey]

You need to go back to court. My friends ex has money taken out by his employer then sent to the state. If he has a job then she gets money. If he doesn't then the state keeps track and when he gets another they take it out. If your situation isn't great keep very detailed records and then you will be that much ahead if you do need to go to court. Do not try to keep your daughter from him. She will find out on her own what a loser he is. Just wait for the day and hold her like only a mother can. Here's to hoping that everything will work out for the best.

 

[pyrxtc]

he stopped taking regular jobs. He is working odd jobs for his father. I wish he had a real job, but he doesn't and owes during tax time so I don't even get his return anymore.

 

[sunnyday123]

Like someone else said, you have to stop expecting him to be the father you would like for your DD, and realize he is never going to change. The only thing you can do for DD is be there for her and assure her that just because he acts the way he does, it has nothing to do with her.

Personally, I have this very same argument with my X over the driving back and forth. He choose to move 40 minutes away, and per our court ordered agreement he is responsible for pick up and drop off. If he was a little more civil,responsible and mature I would consider it, but as thing are, no way.
The last weekend he had her, he got mad at her and I because she called me about something she didn't want to talk to him about and the conversation ended with him yelling that we were both "retards" ( he knows how much I despise the use of that word) and rode the short bus. I immediately told DD to put her Grandmother-his mother-on the phone.

Hopefully her step-father is providing the stable male role model in her life. Some people just have their priorities screwed up, and they will never change their selfish ways. Be their for your DD and let her know she is special to you. Don't make excuses for him, and help her deal with the disapointment he brings to her during their visits.

 

[Disney Crazy Debbie]

I would say to try not to be an obstacle between them; however, you would be very surprised at how perceptive children are. My ex and I were never married and when our son was four I found out he was abusive to him when I wasn't around. My ex was (is) an alcoholic and we had no life because he didn't work after we moved into together. I supported him and took care of everything. After I finally had the police remove him from my house I found out that he probably also sexually abused our son. He never wanted to take responsibility for his upkeep and wouldn't sign papers recognizing him as his son so I never went out of my way to ensure him of visitation rights. The funny thing is that I tried to always say nice things about him and my DS thought I missed him! I stopped doing that. He graduated from high school this past spring and I told him that he could invite him and his other grandmother if he wanted too but he said no - even to his grandmother because he chose to have no contact!

I don't feel badly at all. He made his own choice because I wouldn't say anything bad about him and he never asked questions like why he couldn't see his dad. He just never wanted to. He doesn't remember the sexual abuse but he remembers the abuse.

He is a good kid and I am very proud of him.

 

[kellyg403]

When my kids were alot younger, their dad was alot like yours. He did pay his child support every month because it was an allotment through the military but he always wanted me to take care of 1/2 of the driving etc when he was in country. And he was always always late. I tried to compromise, I tried doing it for the kids and I just grew resentful. So, eventually I told him I am sorry but its not going to happen, our divorce decree stands from here on out unless I happen to be in your area and OFFER to drive the kids. He would have the kids ask me. Happened 3 xs. I told them I am sorry but I am busy this weekend but he came come when he can, he doesn't have to be here at such and such time. Now he rarely asks. I have not gone back and gotten more support though the kids are older, I pay all their "expenses" for extras and I don't feel gas and his visitation are my problem. The kids were kinda upset at first, but I sat them down and without alot of detail explained to them that I drive them where they need to go, take care of them when they are sick etc etc. Dad's responsibility is to take care of you, including driving, feeding and illness on his weekend. They accepted it. I tried to be as neutral as possible with them.

I don't think you should feel guilty at all. If you dd is mature enough to understand the basic your responsibility/his responsibility of the situation explain it to her in that basic way.

Kelly

 

[Tink-aholic]

I think your daughter is old enough to be part of the discussion, though. What does she think?

Sorry, but this is wrong on so many levels. The kids should never be part of this type of thing. It should be between the parents, only.

OP, keep hanging in there. It wouldn't make any difference for him to claim your daughter because if you were on assistance, he owes that back to the state and they would take his return. I also agree that you should try to make the visitations happen for your daughter's sake...not to help him out. You need to love your kids more than you hate your ex.

Try thinking of CS as an extra, rather than counting on it. You can do it.

Good luck.

 

[sunnyday123]

Another thing you can do for any child of divorced parents is not bad-mouth the other. It's probably one of the hardest things you can do, but it's one of the best things you can do for your child.
My DD's father doesn't feel the need to do certain things with her, and decided he was bailing on a school function. I was very angry with him and we argued on the phone, in front of DD. I apologized to her and told her it made me angry when he did stuff like that to her. She said to not get upset, her Dad didn't put her first all the time and that's just the way he was. She said she loved him because he was her Dad, and he won't change. And she shrugged it off. Sometimes your kids can amaze you.

 

[bumbershoot]

Sorry, but this is wrong on so many levels. The kids should never be part of this type of thing. It should be between the parents, only.

As the daughter of two divorces.....seriously? An 11+ year old doesn't get to have a say in where she goes twice a month?

I was still very much wanting to see my dad at that age, but my brother was OVER our dad by then. He would sit on the couch and read, ignoring our father, by the time he was 11. My dad FORCED him to go (when he showed up) but it did nothing for their relationship. If my mom had felt strong enough to just say "no" to him, my brother could have done many more productive things than sit around ignoring his male parent.

I think it's totally fine to have a minor her age get involved, at least in stating her wishes.

 

[Tink-aholic]

As the daughter of two divorces.....seriously? An 11+ year old doesn't get to have a say in where she goes twice a month?

I was still very much wanting to see my dad at that age, but my brother was OVER our dad by then. He would sit on the couch and read, ignoring our father, by the time he was 11. My dad FORCED him to go (when he showed up) but it did nothing for their relationship. If my mom had felt strong enough to just say "no" to him, my brother could have done many more productive things than sit around ignoring his male parent.

I think it's totally fine to have a minor her age get involved, at least in stating her wishes.

I normally agree with you on every topic, bumbershoot...so I know we must have similar values. However, legally, a child has no choice in the matter until they are 18. If there is an order for visitation and the custodial parent does not facilitate that vistitation, that parent risks contempt of court and even jail. Court orders are not suggestions, they are orders.

Kids don't get to choose whether or not they go to school or the doctor, and sometimes even church or vacation. Many kids would rather spend time at the mall or the beach than with their grandma or extended family...but a parent's relationship is a bond that should be protected NO MATTER WHAT. Legally, nothing supercedes that right (unless the parent is proven unfit).

I was also a child of divorce, so I understand where you are coming from. But I also cannot imagine having my ex (if he were the CP) tell me that our son has something better to do than see me. Sometimes kids feel disloyal to the CP if they want to spend time with or even like the NCP, so they say they don't want to go. The parent must find a way to make them go because that is one of the thousands of jobs a parent must do.

I respect your opinion, Bumbershoot...I just disagree with you on this point.

I still wish the OP luck.

 

[pyrxtc]

I think she is getting to be old enough to decide wether she wants to go or not. She has a lot more starting to go in her life now than me and her father. School and her friends are starting to rank up there and as long as her father doesn't get mad at her for not going and tries to understand that she is just acting her age and growing up, it will work out well. I will not force her to go, actually, I will not say anything at all. She can tell her father herself, it will be up to her.

My oldest DD knows that she can decide to come for the weekend. We will miss her but it's her decision. I know she is starting to want to hang out more with her friends and go to school dances on Friday nights and hates to miss birthday parties cuz she is supposed to be at her dad's house.

My Ex cancels on his DD all the time, so I wouldn't be surprised if she started doing the same. They were supposed to take a week and go to Virginia for vacation this summer. day before, ex said they didn't ahve the money. So he didn't take DD, instead he went to Atlantic City with his girlfriend. Isn't that nice. I tried to talk to him, maybe take them someplace closer since they were going to six flags down there but he chose not to.

His mother took her isntead to hang out after she found out. I love that woman !

 

[cheap traveler]

Wow, sounds like what I will be dealing with in 5 1/2 years. My ex often goes 10+ weeks without seeing his kids, and then, last year, wanted to end the 10 weeks by taking them Christmas morning. I told him no, that I was not going to be doing all the work raising these kids and he would get the benifit of seeing them christmas morning. I allowed him to take them that afternoon, but it still didn't get him to start taking them again. The only wake up call for him was when his parents missed the kids so much, that in January they came to my house to pick them up. On the way back to their house, they rolled their vehicle over and everyone had to go to the hospital. Luckily, nobody was hurt, but isn't it sad when it takes a life threatening event to wake them up? He was good for 7 months, and now it is starting again. Now I have even stopped letting him talk to the kids during the week, because he will get them all excited to go with him for the weekend, then call me that afternoon and say he can't get them.
And, on top of all his other BS, he expects me to meet him halfway on Sundays. I only do it because it is hard raising 2 little kids, and those weekends are the only time I can really clean, not that I try really hard any other time
And from my life time of being forced to spend every other weekend with a father I didn't like and who payed no attention to me , I was grateful when my mom finally let me decide not to go any more. Now I'm 26 and still rarely talk to him.