Divorce- How do you get through it?

[IsZisIt]

I am so sad. My husband wants a divorce. I have been married for 8 1/2 (been together for 12) years and have 2 children who will be heartbroken by this.

He says he loves me but he doesn't "love me like he should."

We have been separated for about three months, but this past month he has been around more often and we were doing the family thing. Things really looked promising. But, at our last marriage counselor appointment the MC wanted to know when he was moving back home and he said he didn't think he could right now and that opened up a whole can of worms and it went down hill from there.

The problem is. I still love him and I think it is his depression and maybe his meds that need tweaking. Who knows, maybe it is my denial that my marriage is over. I just can't imagine myself not married to him and not having my family together. I am just so sad.

How do you do it? How will I get through it. Can anyone give me advice on how to be strong? How do I tell my DDs? They are 5 and 7.His mind is made up and I am going to have to deal with it.

 

[autumnpalm]

I don't have any experience from which to offer advice but I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know I just said a prayer for you and your family. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Janet Hill]

So sorry you have to go through this. It's tough and quite frankly I don't know how I got through it. I just knew that I had to go on for my kid, and so I did.

It's really not fair of him to be sending you mixed signals by hanging around more. Don't think of him as doing it for you and your children , but rather he is trying to assuage his own guilt.

Just stay focused on your children and doing things together just you and them. I think my turning point was when I packed up my daughter and headed on a week long camping trip. It was sort of me proving to myself that I could do anything I set my mind to, including putting up a tent and building a fire.

 

[pls5286]

You and your kids will get through this together. Quite honestly it is better on them to have it where you are not fighting. And kids are stronger than you think they are. I am giving you big hugs to get thru this. You can do this. In the coming months you will find an inner strength you did not realize you had.

 

[penguin087]

It is a hard thing to go through but you will make. Everyday that goes by you'll be amazed at how strong you are and start to see that everything will be ok. I just told myself I was a mother and didn't have the luxury of falling apart. My son needed me. Keep plodding through. It will get easier. Just keep in mind that you are responsible for you and your children. Let him worry about himself.

 

[DearDaisyinDurham]

http://www.amazon.com/Rebuilding-Relationship-Books-Divorce-Beyond/dp/1886230692/ref=pd_sim_b_1

OP
Take a look at the reviews for this book - it goes through the stages of grief, etc., involved in emotionally processing a divorce. If you like the book you can look for the 10 week seminars in your area (Fisher seminars) - I have never heard less than totally positive reviews about the book or seminars.

 

[kerrynic78]

My ex gave me the same line, he loved me but not the way a husband should love his wife. We were married for 4 years and had a 2 year old DD, now 3. I am not going to lie, it still hurts like heck, I am having a pity party for myself as we speak, but it will get easier.

I just focus on my job, my DD, my family and my friends and that helps me get by. I also joined a divorce support group which was great, made me realize that my feelings were "normal" and that I was not the first or the last person to go through a divorce.

Good luck, each day will get a little easier!

 

[dislaney]

No real advice but a Hang in there!

 

[TwingleMum]

No advise just a hug.

 

[IsZisIt]

http://www.amazon.com/Rebuilding-Relationship-Books-Divorce-Beyond/dp/1886230692/ref=pd_sim_b_1

OP
Take a look at the reviews for this book - it goes through the stages of grief, etc., involved in emotionally processing a divorce. If you like the book you can look for the 10 week seminars in your area (Fisher seminars) - I have never heard less than totally positive reviews about the book or seminars.

Thanks I will check this out.

Also, I just want to thank you all for the and kind words. I wil get through it, but damn it hurts.

I dread having to tell my girls

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

One day at a time. Ofcourse some days are better than others.

I have been divorced for five years now. At first is was very hard, sometimes seemingly impossible.

Now... well it is not an issue any more. It also led me to move to California which was the best thing for my dd and I.



I did what several other posters suggested and that was to focus on dd and I. Right after it was final I took dd to WDW by myself. I was so nervous but ended up having the best trip with her and finally realized that we would be just fine.

 

[joviroxx]

Im not divorced but my sister is. We've had this conversation. She too had 2 small kids. She used to say that you get through it because you have to. The other option isn't an option. You get through it because somehow you tell yourself , whether you believe it or not, that what it happening doesn't define you, because what is happening, is just that, an event, and does not , in a way, take away from the person you are.

You get by with the support of those that love you and sometimes with the support of complete strangers. One day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. And you look at the faces of those innocent children who love you and depend on you and get strength from them. Its tough, sometimes you don't want to get out of bed, but you do it, you go through it and eventually, it starts to get better. Her mantra was always, Im not the first person going through a divorce, I won't be the last. It sucks.

Im so sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you and I wish you the best while you go through this.

 

[The Princess]

No advice just a

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Have not read the other responses and I am not divorced.

I will say that I would only want to be with someone who wants to be with me and loves me. If that meant changing my life to get to that place then I suppose that is what is meant to be.

In a weird twisted way setting someone free also means you are set free as well.

I am so sorry.

 

[FireDancer]

I can't speak from the spousal POV but I can from the kids. My mom should have divorced my dad the day they got married. By the time she figured it out there were three of us so she toughed it out for the kids. We always knew, at least once we were old enough to comprehend such things, that there was something wrong with the family. It is hard to describe but we just knew and I think most kids can feel the same thing. There were periods when my dad was out and those were the happiest times. It is no way to live.

If you husband is in the same boat as my mom then while the kids will be sad to see the divorce it is better then an unhappy home. By the time they finally divorced we were more relieved then anything. I can't speak from any other point of view and it isn't really meant to be advice as much as a different perspective.

Best of luck to you in whatever path you find yourself on.

 

[ols386]

You just take ONE day at a time. And know that your emotions will heal, but it will take time. The healing doesn't happen over-night. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

 

[shortbun]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I think his willingness to spend family time will be a good thing in the end but now it's hard. Your children will benefit from having the two of you remain 'friends.' I've not been through divorce but have seen several friends go through it. The friends who have had communications stay open with their exes are much better off with no exception. I have one friend who's ex bought a house next door and they have this great dynamic with two new spouses and a really great life for their kids who come and go in each home. They are very special people as are they new spouses.

 

[mrsksomeday]

First off .

As for getting through this, lean on friends and family. Individual counseling can help as well. As for telling the kids, I would have you and your H sit down with them and tell them. In my opinion it would be best to come from both of you. You can tell them that you both love them, that it is not their fault but Mommy and Daddy aren't going to live together anymore, something along those lines.

 

[tomthebarncat]

alot and in the strangest of places. I came home a few weeks ago to find that my soon to be exhusband had moved out his personal possessions, to include the toothpaste, then jumped on a plane and went back to Abu Dhabi, where he works. Thank goodness, we just have a cat and dog, but still who does this kind of thing? and I never thought he was a coward just a loser!! but you do get thru it, and honestly nobody really cares about it. I have tried to talk to his family, and they tell me to work things out privately, kind of hard when you have not spoken to each other in over 30 days. I will say this, it will get worse before it gets better. My mom has been great and told me that you never really know a man until you divorce him!

 

[kellyg403]

I agree with other posters, you just focus on the kids and the future. Its really NOT an option NOT to get through it. It is true, this event..your divorce..does not define you as a person, but it will help you become the person you were meant to be.

I never thought in those first few months I would make it. Some days it was all I could do to get out of bed and face the kids and another day of worrying about everything. Little by little, taking it one day at a time I was able to focus my energy in the right places. The kids and I had picnics in the livingroom and ate cereal for dinner. (They thought it was fun and I had 3.00 to my name, which they didn't know) The kids were way more resiliant than I gave them credit for!

I am sending many hugs your way. It will hurt, and yes it is normal when you are rejected to feel so many things as you grieve. But, in the end be kind to yourself. Remember you are a great person and mom and strive to make things not because of the divorce but in spite of it. Focus on the positives ofthe future.

Kelly