Divorce help for a friend

[JoiseyMom]

I'd love to know where to find data to suppot this. I find it hard to believe that the majority of couples who make an honest attempt to save their marriages fail.

The divorce rate. Life. A successful marriage takes 2 adults who want the same things. People who are married change and they no longer wnat the same thing. They can go for help, but if one wants to sleep around, then the spouse has to except that as their "new" arrangement or get out. (Just an example, since lots of the cases on the DIS are of infidelity).

If 2 people really want to stay together and make it work, then it can. But in most cases 1 person is blindsided and wants it to work, but the other person just wants out, and goes through the motions, so they can say hey, see I tried, I am not so bad.

In today's economic climate more people are only staying together because they can't afford to divorce! It is just a fact of life.

I know 2 couples, one much older who are together because 1 loves the spouse, but the spouse doesn't return the feelings, and is not willing to change their way of life. The other couple has been in and out of therapy for years. The husband hates the wife, but "it's cheaper to keep her". I am willing to bet the second their youngest is off to college, the marriage will be over.

Oh, and there is this third couple where the last child went off to college and the husband left. The wife was totally blindsided..totally. Had no idea her husband wasn't happy and had been cheating on her for years.

And yes, I know couples who have gone to therapy and worked at it. But like I said it takes 2 to want the same outcome, and that is not the case in the majority of the times.

 

[rigs32]

According to the urban dictionary, "boofer" also means an alternative to the N word. Only 1 of the dozen or so definitions referred to the Western PA version.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Said family member must first examine whether he wants to save the relationship. This requires reflection on why he fell in love with his wife to begin with.

If he thinks the relationship is worth saving, then he should seek counseling.

If not, he should hire a lawyer or research "do it yourself divorce" and see what the legal requirements are for his state.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

According to the urban dictionary, "boofer" also means an alternative to the N word. Only 1 of the dozen or so definitions referred to the Western PA version.

There are a LOT of different definitions for "boofer" in the Urban Dictionary. All are derogatory, and most refer to black or homosexual men.

But then, Urban Dictionary cannot be trusted. Have you ever looked up the definition of "Cosby Sweater"?

Maybe OP will enlighten us on what was meant.

 

[kwelch10377]

There are a LOT of different definitions for "boofer" in the Urban Dictionary. All are derogatory, and most refer to black or homosexual men.

But then, Urban Dictionary cannot be trusted. Have you ever looked up the definition of "Cosby Sweater"?

Maybe OP will enlighten us on what was meant.

See post number #4 where the OP enlightened us

 

[LuvOrlando]

From context I think it's safe to assume that boofer means loser and I see no reason why it should be assumed to be directed towards any particular demographic. I didn't get any vibe about that at all from the OP so need to put the OP on the defensive about a new word.

 

[Polyluvr]

LMAO!! Seriously??

He needs to

1) get a new credit card in his name only, have it sent somewhere safe.
2) Close all his other accounts immediately!
3) Make sure she can't open anymore accounts in his name.
4) Call an attorney.
5) Bring the animals to a shelter (unless he wants to take care of them).
6) Attempt to clean the house

Exactly!

And a "boofer"? seriously?? I laughed so hard I spit wine thru my nose!
I could never, ever say that word-just too ridiculous.

 

[mrodgers]

See post number #4 where the OP enlightened us

And yes, it is a common word here in western PA. If I ask anyone at work if any "boofers" live around them, every one of them can immediately tell me which homes and areas boofers live, LOL.

Oh, and I mentioned it earlier, but.... if I had a new box of 24 condoms and there were 3 left, and I was certain none of them were used by me, to me that is grounds to not be trying to "work it out".

Gotta get the kids to get their showers. Can't respond to any more at the moment.

 

[miacarmelwest]

I suggest your friend to find ways at earning money to hire a lawyer, since his situation puts him at a tight spot. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think your friend should talk to her wife about getting a divorce together. By collaborating on a divorce, your friend would not have to spend on a lawyer as both of them will be working side by side in getting a cheap divorce and properly dividing their assets. Of course, if your friend still loves her, it's never to late to patch things up as they can talk to a marriage counselor and work their problems together. It isn't the most ideal of advices ever, but with limited finances and resources, this is the most feasible routes to take.

 

[hentob]

This family member is getting a divorce. He has merely a part time job for gas money and is going to school full time. He only has 1 semester to go I think.

She is a major boofer. They owe on a house, 2 cars, 2 motorcycles, and a bunch of credit cards. .

Why does he have all of these things with only a part time job? Two car payments? Why not a used car? Did she hold a gun to his head and say “We need two car payments and two motorcycles?

As I said, she is a major boofer. She has completely trashed the house (think worse than you see on "Horders" on TLC/DSC.) There is no way they will be able to sell the house.

I would describe the house as, it needs burned down to the ground, that is how disgusting it is. They've had it for 6 years from the time they first got married.

Why doesn’t he scrub and it when she is away for days at a time?

He wants to reconcile with the family for the way he has disrespected everyone and blown everyone off from being manipulated by her. Like I said, she is a manipulative lier and has brainwashed him, for lack of a better description. He's gone along with all her lies and manipulative ways and has drifted further away from the family as the years have gone by.

Again, unless she held a gun to his head, he CHOSE to disrespect and blow everyone off in his family.

…. but also will have no vehicle because he wouldn't be able to pay for what he has, and has basically no possessions of his own coming from this situation (everything in our opinion should be burned and destroyed, house, furniture, etc as it is all in disgusting shape.) He has very little income working part time in a grocery store while going to school full time.

He is going to have to take a break from school (what is he going for, BTW?) and get a full time job so he can be an independent adult.

Just hoping to get some thoughts on this so I can lend some moral support.

My thoughts? He sounds just as irresponsible as his wife. He can only blame himself. He is an adult and he allowed his home to become a sty and he purchased things he can’t afford. He allowed this “boofer” to take care of him financially and set himself up for this. You seem to be putting all the blame on his wife He needs to grow up.

He needs a lawyer, but has no money. Other than someone else giving him the money, he has a rough road ahead.

 

[hentob]

This family member is getting a divorce. He has merely a part time job for gas money and is going to school full time. He only has 1 semester to go I think.

She is a major boofer. They owe on a house, 2 cars, 2 motorcycles, and a bunch of credit cards. .

Why does he have all of these things with only a part time job? Two car payments? Why not a used car? Did she hold a gun to his head and say “We need two car payments and two motorcycles?

As I said, she is a major boofer. She has completely trashed the house (think worse than you see on "Horders" on TLC/DSC.) There is no way they will be able to sell the house.

I would describe the house as, it needs burned down to the ground, that is how disgusting it is. They've had it for 6 years from the time they first got married.

Why doesn’t he scrub and it when she is away for days at a time?

He wants to reconcile with the family for the way he has disrespected everyone and blown everyone off from being manipulated by her. Like I said, she is a manipulative lier and has brainwashed him, for lack of a better description. He's gone along with all her lies and manipulative ways and has drifted further away from the family as the years have gone by.

Again, unless she held a gun to his head, he CHOSE to disrespect and blow everyone off in his family.

…. but also will have no vehicle because he wouldn't be able to pay for what he has, and has basically no possessions of his own coming from this situation (everything in our opinion should be burned and destroyed, house, furniture, etc as it is all in disgusting shape.) He has very little income working part time in a grocery store while going to school full time.

He is going to have to take a break from school (what is he going for, BTW) and get a full time job so he can be an independent adult.

Just hoping to get some thoughts on this so I can lend some moral support.

My thoughts? He sounds just as irresponsible as his wife. He can only blame himself. He is an adult and he allowed his home to become a sty and he purchased things he can’t afford. He allowed this “boofer” to take care of him financially and set himself up for this. You seem to be putting all the blame on his wife He needs to grow up.

He needs a lawyer, but has no money. Other than someone else giving him the money, he has a rough road ahead of him.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd love to know where to find data to suppot this. I find it hard to believe that the majority of couples who make an honest attempt to save their marriages fail.

The definitve words in your post are "honest attempt".

Saving a bad marriage is hard work. Both parties in the marriage have to be fully invested in it to do so. Would you or I make a Herculean effort to save a bad marriage? Well, I would, and I assume from your other posts on this topic in various threads that you would too. The problem is that everyone is not us. A woman who disappears for "parts unknown" 4 days a week has a boyfriend on the side and therefore has no compulsion to want to save her bad marriage. She has a replacement waiting in the wings...or so she thinks. The other issue being that he doesn't seem like a ball of fire either, so I'm not sure how much he cares about saving the marriage. Certainly doesn't sound like he's willing to put in a Herculean effort either. The only saving grace in this whole thing is that they did not reproduce.

That being said, I will give this gentleman the same advice I give the ladies who post here asking for opinions (another pet peeve of yours sbell...the disparity of advice offered to men vs. women...see, I am paying attention!):

1. Get a handle on finances
2. Look at, copy and date all financial documentation, including all income tax returns, savings and banking information, retirement information, other assets such as property...anything that translates into money. Keep these copies in a safe place where the wife will not have access, such as a trusted family member or friend or a safety deposit box with specific instructions to not let ANYONE else enter it
3. Get his name off as many credit cards as possible. He needs to be aware that any credit cards that are jointly held are his responsibility as much as hers, and reneging on payment for them will negatively affect BOTH their credit scores etc., regardless of who made the actual charges
4. Start squirreling away money whenever possible. Open an account in the name of a trusted family member or friend and put as much money into it as he possibbly can over the next few weeks/months
5. Finish school because presumably it will enable him to get a batter-paying job
6. Try & get copies of as many of her pay stubs as possible for as far back as he can. This may help in the alimony department, if she tries for alimony
7. If he is not interested in fighting for the house, perhaps there is a way to deed it over to her so it is no longer his responsibilty and he no longer has any liability for it

If divorce is imminent, then whomever protects him/herself in the best way possible early on in the process will usually come out OK.

I would also agree with hentob's post above...he is as much responsible for his situation as she is. Truthfully, if she were writing to the DIS asking for advice, I'd give her the exact same advice.

 

[cm8]

I come here for suggestions not because of me. This is a family member whom I can't give advise to because I'm not a lawyer, nor have I ever gone through divorce or gotten myself into a situation like this. No one knows me here, or knows the people in question, thus I thought I could lay it all out here.

This family member is getting a divorce. He has merely a part time job for gas money and is going to school full time. He only has 1 semester to go I think.

She is a major boofer. They owe on a house, 2 cars, 2 motorcycles, and a bunch of credit cards. She leaves for half a week at a time and was paying for everything. The last 4 months, she had no income and he sold most of the stuff they've accumulated to pay the house and vehicle payments. Think, they have several dogs and she keeps them in her bedroom with her at all times when she is there and allows them to have accidents, then doesn't clean it up.

As I said, she is a major boofer. She has completely trashed the house (think worse than you see on "Horders" on TLC/DSC.) There is no way they will be able to sell the house.

He can't afford a lawyer. I told him he needs a lawyer immediately because she will do everything she can to destroy him because that is how she is. She claims she already talked to a lawyer, but hasn't filed divorce papers. Currently, she is leaving town Thursday through Sunday or Monday and also racking up more and more on credit cards.

I didn't tell him what he needs to do, but gave suggestions such as free consultation with a lawyer. I don't know if he should immediately cancel all credit cards (I think they are all in his name while house and vehicles are in both.) She was paying all the house and vehicle payments, so he is afraid she will quit that if he cancels all the CC's. In this situation with bills, at what point does the CC bills change from marital bills to personal bills?

Why he is stuck on her we can't figure out. My wife told him what the family thinks of her, which is she is a filthy disgusting skank b****, which is indeed what she is. She is a habitual lier and a manipulative fraud. He talks to my wife in which she convinces him to move out and back in with the parents. He then talks to the other sister (who is a bit weird in our eyes as well) and gets turned around to where he thinks he wants to work things out. This isn't going to happen. She is gone most of the time and sounds to us like she is with someone else now (which doesn't happen to be with the opposite sex.) Actually, it sounds like she is out gallivanting around with several people.

I can't say about other family members whether he would get help financially for lawyer fees or anything. It was suggested to me also from people I know whom have gone through divorce and seen nasty divorces of friends through the years that he should count his losses from the house and stuff and just walk away. I would describe the house as, it needs burned down to the ground, that is how disgusting it is. They've had it for 6 years from the time they first got married.

I don't know what to suggest for him as far as walking away, contact a lawyer, what to do about the property and what is owed, or what to do about the CC's, and along with school. He really wants to finish school and is almost done. He's doing excellent in school. He wants to reconcile with the family for the way he has disrespected everyone and blown everyone off from being manipulated by her. Like I said, she is a manipulative lier and has brainwashed him, for lack of a better description. He's gone along with all her lies and manipulative ways and has drifted further away from the family as the years have gone by. We all saw it from day one.

When my wife and I met, he was merely a kid. He was such a nice kid also. I don't know why or how he ended up with her and we all are not sure if we should have said something a long time ago (she was a neighbor and the family was well known to be a family of disgusting boofers.) Like I said, he wants to reconcile with the family, has a place to stay at the parents' house, but also will have no vehicle because he wouldn't be able to pay for what he has, and has basically no possessions of his own coming from this situation (everything in our opinion should be burned and destroyed, house, furniture, etc as it is all in disgusting shape.) He has very little income working part time in a grocery store while going to school full time.

Just hoping to get some thoughts on this so I can lend some moral support. My immediate suggestion is for him to move out as soon as possible, cancel all CC's so she can't rack up more debt while still under marital status, and contact a lawyer, but the cost problem exists with contacting a lawyer.

he should just leave........If he wants the house, then he should stay and clean it up. Take her name of his cc's, closed them if he has too, and make the cc company aware that she is Not Authorized to use them! Get her to sign a letter intent to include, how the house will be kept, who is responsible for what bills, who is responsible for the pets, and the fact that she is aware she has no authorization to use his cc. Have it signed immediately and keep as many copies and give an original copy to someone outside the home! He needs to get a lawyer ASAP!