"Disputes" between preschoolers

[Aidensmom]

When do you jump in?

If my 4 year old son and a playmate get in a dispute over a toy or who should go first, etc, I don't automatically jump in. I give them the chance to see if they can work it out for themselves. Sometimes they can, but sometimes a little preschool violence ensues or someone cries or one child has gotten their way too many times and are basically running over the other one. That is when I intervene.

One of my son's favorite playmates is my neice, and when they are playing together, my sister acts the same way I do, we give them a chance to work things out. They are both very strong willed children, so one never gets their way every time, and they usually do work it out.

Well, today was my neice's birthday party. There were about 6 preschoolers there, 3 and 4 years old. All of the mothers, including my sister, jumped in as soon as it LOOKED like one child wanted something the other had, etc. I didn't, I acted as I always do.

It made me feel a little strange, and just made me wonder if I am so unusual in the way I handle things.

 

[Kahana-ri]

I have to agree with you. I do prefer to let the kids work things without interference - of course as long as no one gets hurt. I believe it teaches children things such as sharing, communication and coping skills. We were at the Boston Children’s Museum today and there a few kids that needed less intervention and little more 'kid time.' Our son is pretty even keeled all the way around and he has pretty much figured it out through his own experiences.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I wait until I hear screaming...if I can hear a scuffle, I will try to vocalize that they need to work together and solve it.

I don't run to the "rescue" though as it seems like those moms did.

 

[ducklite]

I wait until I hear screaming...if I can hear a scuffle, I will try to vocalize that they need to work together and solve it.

I don't run to the "rescue" though as it seems like those moms did.

That's pretty much what I did. I would also warn that if they couldn't work it out, neither would get what ever it was they were arguing about.

Anne

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

That's pretty much what I did. I would also warn that if they couldn't work it out, neither would get what ever it was they were arguing about.

Anne

I've done that too...but I might have forgotten to mention the consequence of not working it out when telling them to solve it. OOPS.

 

[Saffron]

Nope, you're not alone. That's how I handle things in my preschool classroom. It's part of learning, part of our cirriculum actually, a part called "Life Skills". Playing in a group, working things out, sharing, cooperation etc. are all things I have to help teach to little ones.

I step in when the tears are real and non-stop (sometimes when one student starts to cry that alone can inspire action from the offending child to make things right so no need to step in right away ) or if there is a threat of violence (usually a slap at the air in front of the other child ) or, at times, when one of the students asks me to. I don't always step in, sometimes the answer they get will be, "What can I do to help?" followed by, "Is that fair?", in other words, in the future, should I do the same with you?

Usually by the time we're finished talking the dynamics in the room have changed, the kids are on to something else, so it all works itself out. Most of the time.

I find that my preschoolers have a really hard time with two things: other students grabbing things from them or other students breaking or crashing something they've built. A simple, "If you just took that from him or her, please give it back to him or her" (I watch until they give the toy back, if the child doesn't give the toy back right away then the child probably didn't just take the toy away and there's something more that needs to be worked out, probably with teacher guidance) followed by "Thank you. " seems to solve most of our problems.

 

[Ava83]

I let the preschoolers (i have a 3 year old) work it out. My little one is friends with 2 girls (my girlfriend's daughters) We always say Unless there is blood we are not stepping in ( ) They figure it out.

Peg

The following smile is brought to you by DD3 (she picked it out)...

 

[DisneyPhD]

I agree that kids need to learn to work things out themselves (like you try to do.) I think they also need tools and exapmles on how to do this and they need to know that you are interested in what is happening with them.

I was at a friends house with our 4 year olds. My DD got her hand pinched in the shower door by another girl (they shouldn't of been playing with it. It could of easily been my daughter who did it to someone else, but it wasn't.) However this womens (I am not callingher friend) daughter refused to say she was sorry and my DD finger and feelings were very hurt. In fact the other kids were running around saying "she won't say she is sorry, you need to appolgise ect..) This mother never said a word, never even talked to DD while mine was hurt and offened. Her theary is "they need to work it out themselves." But really is "I can't be bothered and I don't care." Her daughter has no idea how to work things out that doesn't result in fighting or manipulation (I won't be your friend anymore.) It really bugs me.

So yes I agree with you, but like most people say, they need our help and example and most importantly that we are interested in how they "work it out". (and give praise for doing a good job.)

I think mabye at this party mom's were on hyper allert and at a less intese situation they would of been given more of a chance to handel it themsleves. Because belive me, no good mom wants to be acused of being this other mom I mentioned earlier in my post.

(oh and I taught pre-school for 5 years and a clinical thearpist socail woker for 6 after that.)

 

[Aidensmom]

Thanks you all, you have made me feel much better. I came home thinking everyone else probably thought I was an awful mother.

 

[DVC Jen]

I have been a preschool teacher for 10 years now and you are doing the exact right thing. I wish more parents would let their children develop problem solving skills.

I always tell the kids in my class to "use your words to solve your problem.. if that doesn't work then come and ask me for help".

Good job Mom!

 

[shortbun]

I was always holding back to see if they could work it out too. I never let anyone get hurt and sometimes gave verbal suggestions like, "use your words" or "why don't you guys take turns" or "don't come and tattle unless someone is bleeding" Lol! jk about the last one although I DO use it now that they are 9-10-11. (i CAN NOT stand tattle tales) I think you and your sister are more the norm but maybe the moms were over compensating due to the larger number of kids. Very few moms want their child known as the bully!

 

[Beth76]

My son's "group" for some reason always come whining to the moms and it drives me crazy. We always tell them that they need to work it out or they won't get to play together.

 

[MamaLema]

I'm with you on this one. If kids don't have a chance to ever find a way to work it out, how will they grow into independant adults?

 

[justhat]

My only thought is that maybe the moms were quick to act cause they didn't want to have "the bad kid". Ya know, the one who just can't work it out on his/her own and then looks mean/selfish/stubborn, etc-the kid no mom wants to invite over.

As far as what I do though, I always let my daughter "fight her own battles", as much as a 1yo can. Of course, then I get annoyed when another kid takes the toy my daughter was playing with at the park and his mom says nothing.

 

[DisneyPhD]

My only thought is that maybe the moms were quick to act cause they didn't want to have "the bad kid". Ya know, the one who just can't work it out on his/her own and then looks mean/selfish/stubborn, etc-the kid no mom wants to invite over.

As far as what I do though, I always let my daughter "fight her own battles", as much as a 1yo can. Of course, then I get annoyed when another kid takes the toy my daughter was playing with at the park and his mom says nothing.

I agree, of course that is what I mean by not wanting to be "that mom".

There is a difference with young kids too. When a 1 year old knows you saw the older kid take her toy and do nothing about it can be seen as not sticking up for the kid. (Did you see what they just did mom? I thought you were on my side?" It used to really bug me when my DD older cousin would take everything she had, just becuse DD had it and DC was older. Now they are 4 and 5 and I let them work it out. It drove me nuts when they were little. DD got to be very competitive with her cousin, but not her other friends. Wonder why? Now DD does the same thing to her baby sister, ah the cycle contiunes.