Disney's Evil Empire of Happy Endings

[big_red_s]

Before I start with the tongue-in-cheek report I’d like to whole heartedly and sincerely thank each and every member of this board for making this trip the great success it was.

Actors:
Me – 40
Cheri, my beloved wife - ????
Isabella – 4 (AND A HALF!!!)
Jakey - 2


Here we go....

The Germans have a word which has no equivalent in the English dictionary…Schadenfreude… which means to be happy at others misfortune.

We don’t practice that … because we’re not like that … but we took a cue from the leaders of industry and policy around the world and decided that this is the time to change our course … because we’re like that.

We decided that if we wanted to take advantage of other people's misfortunes and have a great vacation that we normally couldn't afford - this is the time.

Taking advantage of people is wrong...but they are practically begging us to do so...so why shouldn't we?

We knew our kids must have the right-of-passage and go to Disney's Evil Empire of Happy Endings otherwise their childhood will simply not be complete (at least this is what we were subliminally told by the Mouse Overlord) and the daunting bills of psychiatrists trying to justify the kids’ misery loomed over our heads like a magicians cap and animated brooms.

Because we’re good parents we wanted to take our four (AND A HALF!!!) year-old daughter to visit the Empire before the magic disappeared…because she still believes in princesses...and because we're good that way…because she has us wrapped around her little finger (but don’t tell her that).

An added bonus is that our son (2) will be able to run around, play and see his favorite characters in bigger than life customs reigning terror and autographs wherever they may wish…

Scaring little kids into submission, who would do such a thing?

When we usually go on vacations we go in the style of "planned spontaneity"…because we like to plan...yet be spontaneous at the same time.

Some say planned-spontaneity doesn’t work, but it has worked wonders in all our vacations…except the ones that didn’t…which are most of them.

This vacation had to be planned…because of all the stuff to do…because the Evil Empire doesn’t want you to leave once you are in their grasp. Becoming an Imperial slave seemed like a daunting the mission the more we looked into it…because there is so much stuff to do... which is why this time we had to plan.

Let the research begin….

We scoured websites(Disboards.com, allEars.net, MouseSavers.com, etc.) bought a book (Fodor's Disney with Kids 2009), asked friends, co-workers and family.

We got lots of great tips.

First, we needed a time frame.

We figured on beginning or mid September...because most kids are at school...and we don't like kids...that's not true we like kids...just not 80,000 kids in a square mile.

We also might get a deal and we like deals...because we're cheap that way.

Hurdle number one has been passed – we got a time frame (in your face Evil Empire), now we needed to figure out where to stay…because we like a roof over our heads…because even Imperial slaves are human beings...not animals.

Thanks to Uncle Sam’s generous tax refund...
-----
"we took more money than we should have.
Here it is without the interest.
What?
No thank you?"
-----
...we settled on the Animal Kingdom Lodge...because we're not human beings, we're animals...because we are Imperial slaves.

You can say whatever you want about the Mouse Overlord, but he sure knows how to make you smile while willingly handing over a stack of dead presidents...damn him and his wonderful magician's cap...not to mention his broom-wiseguys.

The lodge seemed extremely expensive, which bulked us…because there are certain things we refuse to pay for...like parking, clothes, food and shelter.

But the Grand Puba Pumbaa had a benevolent moment and has earned our eternal gratitude by throwing in free dining plan as well as park tickets (more then $2K worth of "not spending")…because he’s an animal too...and maybe a slave to King Simba...who recently overthrew his uncle from the throne...they even made a movie about it.

The hilarity began when we checked Tripadvisor for reviews of the lodge... because we wanted to make sure we're getting a bang for our buck...because we're cheap that way.

Needless to say we read the bad reviews first...because that's the kind of people we are. As it turned out, some Imperial slaves managed to get away from the grasps of Goofy the Guard Dog and had nasty words to say about the Empire which ranged from the valid (cleanliness) to the absurd (too many children screaming).

What?

You are going to a Disney resort and complaining about...children?

No one ever brought it to your attention that maybe...just maybe... a Disney resort is more then likely to have a ton of kids running around (luxury or not)?

What's next - Florida's too hot in the summer?

We take our parental responsibility seriously…because we’re good parents…and our kids expect us to…we filtered between the all-too-valid reviews and the "I paid a ton of money and didn't feel I got pampered enough" reviews to the "we've had better".

After finishing our exercise in futility we felt as if we mined diamonds the whole day... we started in a screeching rendition of "Hi ho, hi ho" until we got angry looks from Mrs. DeVil across the street...who was saying "hi" back…you make the connection…because you’re smart that way.

Finally we were satisfied that this hotel, at least for us..the humble Imperial slaves..the Animal Kingdom Lodge would be the height of luxury …because this is our only chance to stay at a luxury lodge for the near future and the kids can complain all they want...not that they will...because they don’t know the difference anyway.

If the room is clean, has a hot shower, AC and a bed we're happy...just like the dwarf...because we also like to whistle while we work in a hot, dark, claustrophobic diamond mine the whole day…because the Empire insists on all it’s slaves being happy

As first rate Disney amateurs we contacted Small World Vacations where we were guided into the trusted hands of the Fairy Travel Agent Deanna..who is a real person...because she exists.
She assured us she would take care of everything - all we needed was to tell her where we want to be and on what day.

This is where the real fun began....

 

[LOVEMY3KIDDOS]

I'm subbing! Looks like a fun trip...judging by your writing style! We are staying in AKV in December! Can' wait to hear all about your trip and the Lodge!!

 

[big_red_s]

As it turned out, the Grand Puba Pumbaa had set a trap for us by giving us the free Disney Dining Plan…because he works for the Empire…if you call singing & dancing to the delight of snot nosed little kids "work"...without compensation...because he's an Imperial slave...or because he's a cartoon and they don't need much...I'm not sure which one.

The basic dining plan consists of one snack, one quick serve meal (meal not at a sit-down place) and one sit down meal...a day for...each of us...except our son who is 2... and you don’t become an official Imperial slave until you are 3...because so has the Mouse Overlord decreed.

The trap is that we had to know where we were eating three months in advance...who knows that...maybe The Beast...because he has a magical mirror...and magical servants...and Mrs. Potts is a heck of a cook…especially the gray stuff (it’s delicious)...and he lives in France...and a dinner there is never second best

Being amateurs we decided on getting as many character meals as we can...because we wouldn’t pay for those each and everyday...because we’re cheap that way...and we can’t afford it.

A little more planning was involved because our complimentary tickets didn’t not include the "park hopper" option…because Grand Puba Pumbaa was too busy eating slimy warms…but that’s just fine with us (take that you big ol’ warthog!).

The first thing we did is check the hours... because we were staying at an official Imperial Disney resort...because we're special that way.

As lodge guests... or workers...we'll see...we will be able to attend the “extra magic hours” ...where, we could only assume, lots of shenanigans take place to the point where mere mortals who didn’t bother to hand over there hard earned money to the Empire are simply not welcomed.

Suckers!

From talking to friends and message boards we figured that there is a debate on the “extra magic hours”.

Some say that they are fun.

Others say they are exhausting with kids.

Some more say that the best time to go to the parks is the morning after because the park will have less people.

We decided on being pro “extra magic hours”...because the Empire has already brainwashed us...and because we could always go back to the lodge and rest.

We only knew of one character meal that we must go to, Cinderella’s Royal Table ...because our daughter loves her...and she has us wrapped around her little finger (but don't tell her).

The restaurant is inside of the famous Imperial fortress, costs two dining credits and is hosted by the filthy one herself ...because it's her castle and she can do whatever she wants...because she's a princess...and probably spoiled...no wonder her sisters can't stand her.

However during our research we discovered the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, a hair salon for little girls inside the Magic Kingdom which will make your little girl look like a princess – for the price of a kingdom...or your first born.

We didn't want to take our daughter to a "magical salon"...we have lots of those in Jersey... but we also didn't want our daughter to be grief stricken and the whole trip would be for naught ...so we made reservations...because she has us wrapped around her little finger (but don't tell her).

Man, they are evil...playing our daughter against us like that.

However we succeeded in avoiding the $180 plan (which comes with a dress) for the $50 plan, heck we’ll buy a Cinderella dress for $20 instead of paying an arm and a leg for it at the park...or your first born.
Take that you Royal Pumpkin!!!

At first we were debating about the time, but the Fairy Travel Agent Deanna...who really exists...because she's a real person... from Small World Vacations has given us her input and we were more then happy to take her advice.

By the way, one of the best things we love about Fairy Travel Agent Deanna...who really exists...because she's a real person... is that she wasn’t afraid to make suggestions.

The rest of the meals we centered around character breakfasts...because we hope our kids would love them...and because they come with the free dining plan...because we'll never pay for those each and everyday...because we’re cheap that way...and we can’t afford it.

In a slap directed at Chef Tony...from Tony’s...who served spaghetti to Lady & Tramp while serenading them…, we made breakfast reservations the last time available - this way we also got lunch out of the way...because we're cheap that way and will never pay for extra food (or shelter, or parking, etc.).

We forwarded our itinerary to the Fairy Travel Agent Deanna...who really exists...because she's a real person... for her opinion and posted it on Fodor’s website for critique.

That evening we bought tickets on Continental...because we didn't want to drive from New Jersey...because we're not that cheap (how dare you call us "cheap"?).

We are leaving home early so we can arrive in Orlando before noon. We scheduled the flight back in the afternoon so we could have a last character breakfast (hosted by Chairman Duck).

 

[big_red_s]

Now almost everything in the pre-planning stage is done..because we're good that way...and that's the way we are.

The reservations were made by our trusty Fairy Travel Agent Deanna...who really exists...because she's a real person... , the airfare is paid for, our itinerary is almost complete…and we have three whole months to wait.

However, as a last slap to the Empire…aimed squarely at Scrooge McDuck…because he's a miser… and he's cheap…we paid for our vacation on our "Disney Card". The Empire has decided to finance our vacation for six months…that way we'll still be beholden to them…even though the Florida tan will be worn off in favor of the Jersey snow.

The Empire will also give us one (1) Disney Dollar for every $100 US dollars we spend.

Where can you spend those precious Disney dollars?
Why…at Empire's Expensive stores of course.
So what’s the point?

We’re going to spend money anyway…because that’s the way we are…so why not have the Empire finance some of our purchases…because we’re cheap that way.

Meanwhile we have a lot to think about…because we’re thinking people…not a bunch magical dishes living in a cupboard…in a magical castle…waiting for some chick to kiss a hideous beast against all odds.

We're going to spend a week in a place where 60,000 – 80,000 people per day is considered "low attendance"...because the Evil Empire loves visitors...to make them Imperial slaves...to purchase their products.

Will we be able to keep our kids by our sides?

Because we love our kids...and we want them with us...even though we could save some serious money on the air-fare back...but we're not that cheap (how dare you call us "cheap"?).

After all, Disney is virtually a cornucopia of childhood dreams, every ride, gate, character and even flower just calls your name...to make you an Imperial slave...to purchase their products.

We had some ideas…because we’re thinking people…not a bunch of French people living in a provincial town…singing happily about their bread baskets and slinging mud at pigs.

Shockingly colorful hats with matching, specialty printed t-shirts (both ruled out for price and ugliness – you got to have nice pictures), child leash (we hate those and from the message boards we understood they don’t work in Disney) and other bright ideas which didn’t pass the storyboard stage.

We do know we are doing at least six things:
1) Getting temporary tattoos from printed with our cell phone number on it (http://www.safetytat.com/)... because if they'll get lost we'll get a phone call...maybe we won't answer it...depends on the day...because we could save serious money on the air-fare back...but we're not that cheap (how dare you call us "cheap"?).

2) Taking a hard-core line about behavior in public places. They have to hold someone’s hand (or the stroller) at all times...not like Belle who took her horse to the middle of the forest...in the darkness of night...in the middle of winter...only to be attacked by wolves...what kind of parents did she have anyway?

3) Our four (AND A HALF!!!) year old daughter will get quizzed several times each day (when out and about) about what mommy & daddy are wearing...not Belle's daddy... Maurice the inventor...who is a danger to society and quite mad we hear.

4) When arriving at Disney we intend to pull one of the Empire's henchman (or henchwoman...we must be politically correct...the Empire requires it) aside and tell our kids that if they ever get lost, look for someone with a badge and tell them they are lost.

5) Drill into the kids that they are not allowed to go anywhere with anyone, no matter if they promise them ice-cream or even have a cute talking teacup named "Chip"...even though we could save serious money on the air-fare back...but we're not that cheap (how dare you call us "cheap"?).

6) Tell the kids that if they do get lost, they can always approach another mommy with children...unless she's Mrs. Potts...because she locks her kids in a cupboard...and because she's a teapot.

Meanwhile we’re pumping the kids with propaganda from the Evil Empire (disguised as fairytale cartoons)...because the Empire says it's a must...otherwise they won't enjoy the trip...so they say.

Soon we will get the Disney maps we ordered (the Empire provides them for free) as well as luggage tag for the Magic Express so, heaven forbid, we won’t have to lag our suitcases to our luxury lodge and start our indentured servitude prematurely.

The kids are excited (almost as much as we are)...because we are pumping them with Disney propaganda which is being played non-stop on our TV... as well as a CD in the car...because we like to drive places...because we're interesting people...not some forest animals that help a teenage princess clean the prison seven angry men keep her locked up in..really, who thinks up this stuff and then says "I think the kids will love it".

**** Jump to several weeks later…

Because we like to plan...sometimes...we browsed the Internet boards and got some great tips...but we said that before - please pay attention.

One of the tips we got...because we're cheap...is to make you own autograph books because the Evil Empire charges you a handsome amount if you want to buy their books (decorated with rats & explosives).

We also thought that creating such books would get our beloved children some more quality time with the evil puppet masters who will sign their autographs in, no doubt, a mind altering ink.

The books are ready...we think they came out great...but that's the kind of people we are - positive!

See pictures of how the autograph books came out here: http://www.travelpod.com/travelblogphotoalbums/laorfamily/14/1253470567/0/12/YES/tpod.html
We have the luggage tags, the maps, the itinerary, the reservations, the fireworks schedule, etc. etc. etc...because that's the way we are...planning trips is the way we do it...unless we don't...which is most of the time.

The brainwashing has begun to work...without any fairy dust...or lovely old ladies giving a delicious apple to a lonely princess...so she'll feel good about herself...only later to be killed by the princess' seven angry jailers...who thinks up such stories for kids anyway?

Ten days before we go we'll do the on-line check in the Evil Ones offer at the resort. No doubt to keep tabs on us...so they'll know we're coming...to get the slave quarters ready...the Empire said that maybe we'll get to feed the animals...or be fed to the animals...or get to see lots of animals running around...I'm not really sure...maybe "mousekeeping" really is a bunch of talking mice cleaning your room...it's a running theme in all the Empire's propaganda...I can't wait to find out.

Now we are thinking about packing, the plane trip – basically the first day...so we can go into the pool...because our daughter loves the pool...and she has us wrapped around her little finger (but don't tell her).

Since we are using the "magical express" to pick up our luggage we can safely assume we won’t have them for several hours...but that's luxury for you...before we start picking up animal poop to stay warm at night...even though I'm pretty sure it's hot in Florida...but I haven't been there in several years.

Hence, we need to pack everything for the first day on the carry-on bags change of clothes, bathing suites, snacks, toiletries...because we like to stay clean...because we don't like to itch...even though we love "Itchey & Scratchy"...oh wait, wrong Empire.

All those plus the on-flight entertainment items (games, crayons, paper, toys, snacks, etc.)...because we know that being stuck in a metal tube with kids isn't fun...because we've done that before...and it isn't fun!

We are dreading the flights, but as the Empire says in a non-threatening booming voice heard through a mirror: "we survived the tyrannical rule of Head Dwarf "Boss Doc" - we’ll survive this as well".


Next: Finally...The Incredible(s) trip is here

 

[big_red_s]

After months of planning...because we like to plan...unless we don't, it's time for us to go. In an unusual display of responsibility, we packed the night before... because unlike Mrs. Incredible, it doesn't take us three whole years to unpack our belongings after moving.

Isabella...who is only four (AND A HALF!!!) didn't go to sleep until 23:30...due to the excitement...we minded but didn't press her because she might sleep on the plane...and she has us wrapped around her little finger (but don't tell her).

We woke up at 04:30 and 05:00 to take a shower...since we weren't out listening to police scanners and knocking down buildings... because we don't know when will be the next time the Empire will allow us to bath.

Care to guess who got up first?

Some last minute packing and before you know it our friend was at the door to take us to the airport.

Is she such a good friend or is she trying to get rid of us?
She could simply build a KONOS robot.

To make a short story longer, we finally managed to get to the airport after a dramatic drive in the non-existent New Jersey early morning traffic. Isabella is still very excited and doesn't show any signs of fatigue…unlike her parents who just want to close their eyes regardless of the villainy which is sure to ensue in the next few hours.

The flight was uneventful; even though both kids were excited…we thank the benevolent Buddy…who probably invented the portable DVD and swore our eternal gratitude to him.

Since we consider every flight a wonderful experience if we land safely, this one was no exception.

Once we got off the plane we went to pick up our luggage…ooops…we are honored guests of the Empire and not only have our luggage taken care of, but also a complementary ride to the Lodge itself.

It remains to be seen whether said ride will be a happy-go-lucky bus, a supermobile or a pumpkin coach. Isabella is hoping for the pumpkin coach…Jakey for a supermobile...we're not…because it’s not air-conditioned…but it would be thrill if it were a pumpkin or a supermobile.


The transportation happens to be a happy-go-luck bus with the Empire’s propaganda plastered all over the ceiling. To keep you from escaping the Empire produced a first rate movie of what is "supposedly" expected of you while you are in their grasp.

We don’t believe the propaganda which shows happy children playing in the sun while being guarded by large and menacing sentries dressed as rodents and dogs.

While this propaganda took the mind of the kids of the ensuing horrors which I’m sure are to come, I keep my eyes and ears open for super powered domestic beings wearing red tights … and keep praying for the merciful Bomb Voyage to come save us using Buddy’s incredible brain power and wonderful gadgets.

Alas – no such luck and we arrived safely at the Animal Kingdom Lodge where we were greeted with a "welcome home" cheer from every Imperial guard. Since we checked in on-line before we arrived, our package was safely waiting for us and we were quickly ushered to our slave quarters – or as the Empire refers to them “guest rooms”.

I must admit that the Empire’s slave quarters are not bad…for slave quarters that is. The décor is nice, even though simple with an African theme…I can only imagine that the quarters which belong to the Empire’s elite must be gilded with gold.

Since our Imperial guard left us alone, we decided to take a quick dip in the Imperial slaves’ watering hole…or as the Empire refers to it – “pool”. We were smart enough to pack our swimsuits in our carry-on bags…because we plan…unless we don’t…and because the Empire will have possession our luggage for the next several hours.

We changed quickly and modestly…because the Empire has cameras outside our balcony (supposedly to protect the animals – but we know the real reason, don’t we?)…and because we had a feeling that some super heroine teenager with an attitude and the uncanny ability to become invisible might be spying on us.

We ate some lunch at the Mara, a restaurant near the Imperial slaves’ watering hole and wandered to the watering hole itself. As far as watering holes go…OK, I’ll use the Imperial term just once…pool…it was one of the best ones we’ve been to.

We also bought the official Imperial mugs…to show our allegiance. Those mugs are carried by all Imperial slaves and can be refilled with the Empire’s drinks of choice (soda, water, tea or coffee) as many times as possible.

Now we felt as official Imperial slaves – we nodded to other Imperial cup holders…they nodded back…we sipped…they sipped back…you get the picture.

The Empire is very careful not to lose any of its slaves and supplies several Imperial sentries (cleverly disguised as “lifeguards”) to watch over their property…making sure no-one drowns or jumps the fence to Sunset savannah and mixes impure blood with flamingos, impalas, or wildebeest. The Empire also dishes out complimentary life vests for future Imperial slaves, and also supplies them with much needed exercise by making them climb a deceivingly beautiful trail to the top of the water slide.

Jakey fell in the Empire’s trap immediately and began sliding, however it took Isabella 5 tries of going up the trail before daring to go down the Imperial slide. This slide must have been designed by the famed Imperial fashionista Edna “E” Mode and its alluring aura has taken many young’uns in her grasp.

After about 50 turns on the Imperial “E” slide we finally noticed something amiss and put an end to the foolishness. Hoping the Empire has delivered our luggage we went up to our slave quarters. Our luggage were waiting for us in our room, with no sign of “breaking and entering” – however upon feeling the lock I felt a cold chill going through my spine.

That could only means one thing – Frozone!

We quickly changed and went to eat at Boma restaurant where slave and non-slave alike share meals – a great honor for the like of our ilk. The food was delicious and we ate heartily because tomorrow we dine in hell…OK, not hell...just the Florida hot and humid weather.

Isabella has already informed us that she loves Disney!

What?

She hasn’t been to Disney yet…the Evil Empire at work again!

Pictures: http://www.travelpod.com/travelblogphotoalbums/laorfamily/14/1253473483/0/12/YES/tpod.html

Next: Magic Kingdom…A Cinderella Story

 

[big_red_s]

Woke up early in the morning, and went to fill our Imperial mugs with deliciously hot Imperial coffee. As what to become my official Imperial morning routine, I went on the Lodge's patio and drank my coffee while watching the wildlife (giraffes, ankole, antelopes, zebras etc.) in front of me…wandering what the day will bring and when will my servitude will start.

We already knew that we had dish washing duty at Cinderella's castle today, so we went ahead and took the bus to the Magic Kingdom.

After a relatively short ride…but the longest ride out of all the Empire's slave houses (which they call "hotels", "resorts" or "lodges"…but we know the truth) we finally arrived at the Magic Kingdom. Uniformed Imperial guards were there to greet us and check our bags…could it be that the Princess Cinderella has instructed them to search all Imperial peasants coming to slave over a hot stove in her castle?

Once we passed the uniformed guard, an overly cheerful and friendly Imperial henchwoman instructed us to put our tickets into their machine and scan our finger…all except the youngest…because you can’t be an Imperial slave before the age of 3…so has the Mouse Overlord decreed.

Now that the Empire has officially welcomed us as Imperial slaves by taking our fingerprints we made our way to our first assignment – washing Princess Cinderella’s dishes…or was it peeling royal potatoes…I can’t remember.

As we made our way to the royal castle we stumbled upon hordes of Imperial slaves standing in-line to pay their respects to Chairman Duck in front of City Hall, we wanted to as well but were satisfied with sending the kids to put a tribute next to a wonderfully colorful statue of Goofy the Guard dog across the plaza.

We took as many photos as we can not knowing when, or even if, we will see each other again. As we approached the castle we noticed statues of all the Imperial gods in a glorified tribute to a ghoulish ritual they love to celebrate known as “Hallow Ween” – whatever that means. We stopped to say a short blessing by a statue of the Mouse Overlord holding the hand of what must have been the first Imperial slave, ironically titled "Partners", and continued on to our castle assignments.

As we approached the castle we saw that we they were preparing for a mighty battle (more on that later) so we walked around when we were suddenly blinded by a bright light and a booming voice commending us to stand in line and pay our respects to the Fairy Godmother – which we promptly did.

As we were standing in line, shaking from fear of retribution by the witch, our children, blissfully unaware of the danger, played at the Cinderella fountain. A magical fountain of Princess Cinderella decorated with talking rodents and forest animals slaving away in what seemed to us as a sweat shop making Imperial gowns.

In an extremely arrogant, yet expected move, the Empire has installed water fountains around the statue, so one has to kneel before the princess when drinking the precious liquid, only to look up and see a crown on her head (the crown is painted on the wall behind her).

We finally got to the front of the line, the Vile Vamp commanded our children to come forth, and in a sweet voice...which chilled the bones once spoken...asked them gingerly about their day while writing her mysterious and magical spells in their autograph books.

Barely escaping with our lives, we thanked the Fairy Godmother profusely and quickly went our merry way. At this time, we still didn’t tell the children they will be working as potato peelers…or any other menial kitchen duty…so in an evil scheme which would make the Empire proud, I stayed behind to “take some pictures” while Cheri continued on with the children.

After a few moments I returned, and announced that the Princess Cinderella herself came down and commanded us to report for kitchen duty…only I couldn’t…what I said was “invited us for lunch”, and in another magnificent lie which should make me an honorary Imperial Slave of the Month, I blurted out “and the Fairy Godmother gave me a dress for Isabella".
A dress we brazenly brought from home.

I hang my head in shame thinking about it now.

Isabella was happy as a dressmaker mouse...but she's only four (AND A HALF!!!)...her happiness only grew as we approached the grotto of the sea monster Ariel – who has put a magical spell on many men, among them a weak minded prince...and some say is the last evil sea siren mentioned in Homer’s Odyssey, which almost brought brave Ulysses to a bitter end.

However the wait was 20 minutes – we said we’ll come back while we went to pay homage to a magical talking bear and his friends, as well as the good hearted Queen who, through much effort, disguised herself as a sweet elderly and maternal merchant so she could bring her beloved step daughter some apples.

Only to meet her bitter end.

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh ride was a great success and brought many words of praise to the Empire, who diverted us to the store as we approached the end, however Snow White’s Scary Adventures lived up to it’s name. The ride glorified the Imperial apple taster, a witch which cast spells on innocent forest animals, while belittling her beloved and worrisome step-mother.

Who would take a beloved children’s character and scare the daylights of the kids who adore the Imperial apple taster and her loving step-mother?

Each rider is forced to sit in one of the dwarf's mine carts...an insult directed squarly at the beloved step-mother Queen.

As I was thinking that I suddenly noticed Cheri was taken into the Empire's grap ...or was it the bathroom…I can’t remember.

While waiting for my beloved wife (may she live a long life), the children tried to get out the Sword from the Stone...a display around Cinderella's Carousel.

Of course they couldn’t budge the Sword...from the Stone…because it’s impossible…because it’s a trick the Evil Empire plays on innocent little kids by promising them riches and glory only to be disappointed again and again.

As we made our way to the front of the palace in order to witness the spectacle of the Imperial celebration of its heroes, we encountered the highlight of our day. Princess Cinderella’s beloved step mother and step sisters – the three women who are celebrated for their beauty, talent and kindness. Those beloved figures are mainly known for taking an innocent small orphan into their collective bosoms and raising her to be a mighty princess. The children, as well as us, were delighted in meeting them at last – to counter the Fairy Godmother who commanded her presence to be known. They were generous, funny and an overall delight.

As we approached the show in front of the castle we were charmed to see the Benevolent Malcifent trying to save the Magic Kingdom from the Imperial gods – only to suffer a heart wrenching defeat (we understand that this mighty battle happens several times a day).

As a consolation prize we went on the Dumbo ride, a mind bending ride, which even though lacks pizzazz, sophistication & technological feats - still rated very high among all of soon-to-be Imperial slaves.

Now, I’m no rocket scientist but even I know those ears will have to be much bigger in order for the little butterball to fly.

We also tried to bare closeness in order to hear the sea siren sing – but the line got longer and the wait went from 20 minutes, to 40, then 60 and finally 90 minutes.

Never mind, we let the children loose in the Pooh’s Playful Spot - a tree house playground – where all the would be Imperial slave master such tasks as cleaning, opening doors, delivering messages and running.

At this time it started raining, but Isabella had her appointment at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, so the two ladies went off under protection of the Empire while the two men were left to fend for themselves in the stormy weather.

As it were, we entered the Imperial self promotion propaganda known as “Mickey's PhilharMagic”, a 4D movie which challenges your senses, as well as lets you cool down for 20 minutes in an air-conditioned theater which lets you appreciate the magnificent work the Empire has done over the years.
We will stop and pay homage this movie several more times in the next few days.

By that time it stopped raining, while Isabella was still in the process of being turned into an Imperial Princess, we ventured over to pay our respects to the Imperial enforcer – Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin.

Jakey and I went on the ride (which was OK) and were lucky enought to see the Enforcer himself – even though we didn’t get to go and pay our respects (we tried, but he had better things to do and an Imperial cast member told us to come back in 20 minutes – but we didn’t come back).
Some thanks for helping the Enforcer get his supplies of batteries back from Zurg: Friend to Children Everywhere (we have a theory that Zurg might be the Easter Bunny...but we're not sure).

We came back to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique only to find out that Isabella’s transformation has finished and that we don’t know where the ladies are. I called Cheri and since there was no answer we decided to go on Cinderella’s Golden Carousel. A grand circle of majestic horses which Cinderella have seemingly turned into enchanted Imperial slaves and let innocent children get to take advantage of the horses day after day, hour after hour.

As we were on the carousel my phone rang…which I didn’t answer…because I was on the carousel. Turned out it was Cheri…who didn’t answer my call…because she was on the carousel.

What has the Empire done to my little girl?

She was barely recognizable with her hair slicked back, tons of makeup on and a whole bunch of “fairy dust” on her head (I still think they are small microchips which let the Empire keep track of their slaves).

Alas, she seemed happy…and if she’s happy so are we…because she has us wrapped around he little finger (but don’t tell her).

Finally, it was time to go into the castle and meet the filthy princess who has put many mice and men under her spell (not to mention scores of little girls), and see who gets to dine at her Royal Table. We were ushered in immediately, surrounded by magnificent mosaics depicting the life of the Princess, but to our surprise not to the kitchen but to meet the princess herself – we only assumed to get our orders.

The princess Cinderella...who is not nearly as filthy as her name suggests... rejoiced at meeting her new slaves, she immediately put Isabella under her charm, and to our horror even enchanted our beloved Jakey. After some mandatory pictures we were ushered into the dining room and served our measly lunch which consisted of appetizers (brochette, some cheeses and a salad for all four) , entrees (pork loin and the Majordomo beef entrée). For desserts we got the cheesecake and the chocolate buckle. As a surprise to Cheri I also got the Slipper dessert (which the Empire requires you to order 48 hours ahead of time).

As an added bonus, four more Imperial Princesses came out to check out the merchandise…and I do mean the new Imperial slaves. However, they cleverly disguised their evaluation as if they were interested in our children.

The princesses were:

Snow White – sorceress of forest animals and enemy to all senior citizens.
Sleeping Beauty – who cast her spell over our son by giving him an enchanted kiss of which he still talks about to this day.
Princess Jasmine – Accomplice of thieves and criminals
Belle – tamer of beasts and enchanted dishes (we understand that she might be our kitchen-boss).

Snow White even told Isabella that the diamonds on her new hair pins were from the dwarf's mine...Isabella had tears in her eyes...because she's a consciousness little girl...and knows about the evils of the "Dwarf Blood Biamonds"...or was she just excited....there is no way of knowing...because she's only four (AND A HALF!!!).

The desserts were excellent, but if we’ll be serving in the kitchen, we will have to do something about the quality of the entrees…maybe the mice also cook and as well as sew?

In order to let our food digest properly we took the ladies to another showing of Mickey's PhilharMagic – a show which has rotted our brains into believing the Imperial propaganda. Since we still didn’t get our assignments, we decided to go back to the Animal Kingdom Lodge for a rest – but the Empire must have had a strong hold on our kids – they will be no nap today, only fun at the pool.

Towards the evening it started to rain.
Should we chance it and go view the fireworks?
We don't know so we're doing the only sensible thing two responsible adults who are charged with the welfare of two lovely children could possibly do.

We ask a four (AND A HALF!!!!) year old if we should go.
She says “yes”.
We went and what do you know, even though it was raining giraffes and zebras at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, the Magic Kingdom is dry as a glass slipper.

After the fireworks we stuck around the park to help clean…as is our duty as Imperial slaves…but as it happened, the park was not busy and we were still in awe by the beautiful fireworks show. After which our little princess decided she must do the ride featuring the Imperial enforcer, Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin, as so her little brother won’t up do her one bit. We put our foot down and said “No!”, after all we have a whole park to clean, no time to waste and tomorrow is another busy day.

After the princess and her mother finished with the Buzz Lightyear ride…because she has us wrapped around her little finger (but don’t tell her)…we went to eat at Pescos Bill’s and to Peter Pan's Flight - which we got FastPass earlier (and quickly became a family favorite)

Maybe we would volunteer our servitude at Pescos Bill’s, to help raise their quality of food as well.

Today we triumphed…I’m sure our Imperial servitude will start tomorrow…

Pictures at: http://www.travelpod.com/travelblogphotoalbums/laorfamily/14/1253653967/0/12/YES/tpod.html

 

[big_red_s]

Getting anxious about our Imperial assignments has played its toll on us – and we woke up early the next morning. After the morning ritual of drinking the Imperial coffee... in the Imperial mug... while watching Imperial zebras, giraffes, antelopes, ankoles, etc. we quickly made our way to the bus.

Disney's Animal Kingdom is only opened until 17:00 – as to not disturb the animals…our wishes don’t count…because we are Imperial slaves, a life form lower than the most lowliest grub to grace the land of the Animal Kingdom...or the throats of Timon & Grand Puba Pumbaa...I'm not sure who we are lower then..most likely both.

We took advantage of the extra magic hours…which only happen in the morning at the Animal Kingdom…as to not to disturb the animals…because we are Imperial slaves…lower than a groveling hyena.

One thing was clear – there will be no mid-day rest today.

As we approached the Animal Kingdom we had to go through the same search by the Uniformed Imperial guards who from some reason did not ignore such creatures as us…maybe the word hasn’t gotten to them…or maybe it’s another grand conspiracy…or maybe, just maybe they’re not looking for us?

Nah….

Entering the park, we again had to compare our fingerprints to our entry tickets…except Jakey…because you don’t become an Imperial slave until the ripe old age of 3…so has the Mouse overlord decreed.

Mistakenly Cheri & I scanned the wrong tickets yesterday so now we have to switch tickets all the time…suckers…we finally fooled the Empire.

We walked gingerly towards the safari…because we heard it’s best in the morning…or after it rains…and it wasn’t raining.

We stopped for photo ops here and there, but after a gentle, yet wildly vocal, reminder from all members of the family that they don’t want to stop anymore we headed straight for the Kilmanjaro safari at the Harambe Wildlife Reserve.

The line wasn’t bad and the kids were very excited. The Empire promises you a two week excursion into the wild, and even supplies a bus with suitcases. The safari is a wonderful show of the Empire’s strength in handling even the most defiant of its subjects – like lions and tigers and rhinos and elephants and hippos (oh my!).

Suddenly, in the middle of our enjoyment... of what possibly could be the last family adventure before or Imperial servitude officially begins...the guide announces that a bunch of "poachers" (probably PETA members from a near by African village who came to rescue the Empire’s enslaved animals) were on the loose and it is up to us, the Imperial slaves, to capture them.

Capture them we did, but our safari had to be cut from two weeks to 20 minutes.

On our way to pick up our stroller (the one we brought from home, not the Imperial stroller) we stopped to see the Siverback gorillas which convinced us at the falsehood of the Imperial propaganda known as “Tarzan”. There is no way any man would stand toe to toe with these huge apes and walk away.

We made our way to pay the obligatory tribute to the Imperial gods in Camp Minnie-Mickey…where we understand the lines are short. The ruthless beings are dressed in safari outfits…no doubt hunting runaway Imperial slaves. We paid homage to Goofy the Guard Dog, the Mouse Overlord and his beloved wife.

We all fell in their trap and were enamored by their presence…except Jakey…who was smart enough to stay away from those majestic beings…or maybe teenagers in costumes freak him out…I’m not sure.

After finishing our tributes to the Imperial gods…and counting our blessings as we were not chosen for sacrifice…we made our way to catch the Imperial show of “Finding Nemo, the Musical” – a short version of the Imperial theatrical propaganda of self grandeur and importance.

Even though the show was in a cool, dark theatre we didn’t enjoy it as much as we thought and afterwards made our way to DinoLand where, seemingly, the Imperial has managed to bring to life the extinct creatures – and enslave them.

Isabella was brave enough to go with me on the Dinosaur ride…which scared the daylights out of her…and the Empire, in a typical move, took a picture of her face, filled with horror, only to try and sell it to us.

We didn’t buy …becase we're cheap that way...and we’re Imperial slaves…and don’t get paid.

From there we started feeling pains of hunger…because we are Imperial slaves…not just lions’ food…even though being eaten by the great King Simba might be a great honor.

Before our arduous tasks would be given to us we headed over to the Asia section (who knew the Empire owns Africa and Asia) for the famously delicious “Yak & Yeti”. Yes, the food there was better than several of the restaurants at the Imperial theme parks, but for us poor slaves, $100 for two adults and once child (our kids split the portion) for what seemed to us as Chinese food was a bit much…because we’re cheap that way (great decor though).

Luckily we’re on the dining plan and hence will never pay for food…but future Imperial slaves - beware.

Maybe, after we brought Cinderella’s Royal Table & Pecos Bill’s to the quality of such fabled eateries as “Wendy’s”, we can bring to the “Yak & Yeti” up to the standards of the “Happy Dragon Takeout Kitchen”.

As we left the “Yak & Yeti”, we headed over to Rafiki’s Planet Watch on the Imperial Train of the Monkey Advisor…or was it the Wildlife Express…I can’t remember – a stroller-less excursion into the heart..or the edge… of the Animal Kingdom.

We walked a few hundred feet after we got off the Imperial Train of the Monkey Advisor…the children started to get upset... because they thought their servitude has begun with a forced march…but the calmed down as we entered the cool relief of the Conservation Station.

Once at the Conservation Station we started, what we believe, our initiation into the Imperial slave force – we saw the working veterinary clinic, introduced to poop samples and even get to meet the Monkey Advisor – Rafiki himself – we expected to hear some words of wisdom only to be disappointed as he only patted Isabella on the head.

Again – Jakey showed us who has the brains in the family by staying away from the Imperial Monkey as well as the Imperial Cricket – Jiminy.

Yet he was again taken hostage by the beauty of Pocahontas and her magical tree grandmother – who put their Imperial spells on him. However they did not get Isabella who told Pocahontas she visited her home last year in Virginia – which threw them a loop and we got booted out the door straight to the Affection Section – a petting zoo.

We quickly left the Affection Section afraid that we won’t be let out…being Imperial slaves, and got on the Wildlife Express...I mean the Imperial Train of the Monkey Advisor.

Getting off the Imperial Train of the Monkey Advisor it started to rain so we headed over to the protection of King Simba and his minions at “The Festival of the Lion King” where Imperial slaves Pumbaa, Timon and other forest animals danced and sang in order to entertain King Simba and his court.

In a moment which every Imperial slave-parent would cherish for the rest of their short lives, our Isabella was picked out of the crowd to help the forest animals entertain the King of Beasts – we bid her a teary but proud farewell, wished her well in her new life and prayed to the Mouse Overlord that she won’t be used as a sacrifice.

At that moment, the Imperial deity known as "The Genie" decided to have a laugh at my expense... the batteries in my camera ran out.

A disappointment which was multiplied because it was brought on by a former Imperial slave. How soon we forget, oh Master of Gags…


However, on a much happier front, the Empire returned our soon-to-be-Imperial-slave daughter to us…maybe she was too skinny for King Simba….or not hairy enough…or because she's only four (AND A HALF!!!)...or King Simba found out she can’t hunt.

We are happy but cannot think what an insult it is for our family...not to mention extra air-fare...but we're not cheap that way (how dare you call us "cheap"?).

As the show ended, we left proudly proclaiming our new found celebrity – until we reached the edge of the theater and were slowly allured by the delicious smell of a freshly oiled funnel cake. We debated whether we should buy it or not, after all we are on the Empire’s dining plan and we don’t like spending money on such frivolous, extravagant entitlements like food, shelter, parking, etc….because we’re cheap that way.

By the time we finished devouring the delicious treat (later we found out it was “slave food”) it was around 16:30 and the Animal Kingdom was closing soon – and we have yet to receive our assignments from the Empire.

Scared that we might have missed our assignments we hurried over to the Maharaja Jungle Trek walking trail with animals in Asian-themed. We felt as if we were taking part of the live “Jungle Book” shoot, which of course we weren’t…but the trail looks like it…so we just imagined we were.

We tried to clean the tiger’s poop, but couldn’t get in the cage…and the tigers looked hungry…maybe we should get them a funnel cake?

Disappointed yet again – we headed for the hotel because tomorrow is another day...

Pictures at: http://www.travelpod.com/travelblogphotoalbums/laorfamily/14/1253739817/0/12/YES/tpod.html

 

[big_red_s]

We believe that this was the day that the kids finally realized their Imperial slave role…because that's the only way we can explain their behavior…or maybe it's because they’re just kids.

After the morning ritual of getting Imperial coffee in the Imperial mug and watching the Imperial animals I took the kids to the Imperial store at the lodge to find a magnet…just in case we make it back home…which we didn’t think would be the case…but you never know.

Both of them were wild…as if we there isn't a mall five minutes in every direction from our house.

We left for EPCOT because we had kitchen duty at Norway Pavillion's Akershus restaurant…we had to go through the same search by the Uniformed Imperial guards who just took a quick look…maybe they thought we were bringing water for Nemo.

We stopped at the Innovations center where the kids played and we got some time to cool down and plan how to tell them about our Imperial assignments…we chickened out and let them play their little hearts out…hoping they will find as much joy serving the Empire.

As we walked along to the Akershus restaurant, we practiced a slicing motion to mimic the Norwegian Potato Slicer 2000…the newest and most advanced slicer in the Empire. It seems that servitude was very popular since there were many Imperial slaves at the pavilion standing in-line to let the Imperial Norwegian worker know that they have arrived…on time…only to stand at another line to meet the beautiful and delightful Princess Belle …enchantress of beasts and dishes...in her bewitching yellow dress.

We fully expected Princess Belle to give us our daily assignments…finally…since other royalty has dutifully forgotten to give us our assignments…yet after finally being received 40 minutes after our appointed time…as to be expected from royalty but a black mark on the Empire’s record…we only took some pictures and were led into the kitchen.

Or so we thought…we were led into the dining room full of Imperial slaves…which was a bit tight and were fed breakfast. In a true Imperial slave treatment we were expected to get the “cold” portion of the food from a slave cart but the hot portion was served to us.

How can we be good Imperial kitchen-slaves if we aren’t trusted with hot food?

While we were eating a bunch of princesses were roaming the room…no doubt evaluating our performance at bringing food from the “slave cart” to the table…or making sure we weren’t “Eating Nemo”.

After some (no so) gentle hints, this Cinderella “remembered” Isabella & Jakey from our previous attempt at servitude at her castle (a nice touch to and touché to the princess for getting the hint).

The princesses who came to evaluate us were:
Cinderella – mistress of mice and men
Snow White – enchantress of dwarves
Sleeping Beauty – Enemy to mythical creatures
Ariel – Friend to dentists’ nieces and the one rumored to have “lost Nemo”

After finishing to eat we made our way to the kitchen…only to be turned around and find ourselves outside. Feeling we narrowly cheated a lifetime of servitude we made our way to the "The Seas with Nemo and Friends" attraction hoping to catch some fish to bring back to Princess Belle who might look upon us with a favorable eye in the future.

We climbed into our "clamobile" and got ready to catch some slippery fish. Once the tour started we realized we are in for a lost cause. The real fish were behind thick glass while the animated Finding Nemo characters were frolicking among them, teasing us to no end.

As we got out we made our way to "Turtle Talk with Crush", hoping to bring some turtles to Princess Belle for the evening’s festivities…again only to be met with failure for our objective (yet enjoyment from the show). Before the show I ran to get some "Soarin'" faspass – not knowing if any of the Princesses would like a ride …or maybe just the benevolent dentist from "Finding Nemo" – savior of fish and sea life.

After we left, Jakey realized that there will be no turtle soup tonight and voiced his disappointment...loudly... as only a two year old can.

To calm him down...because we're good parents...or had couldn't stand it anymore...it's hard to remember…we went to the "Circle of Life", a movie staring King Simba, Grand Poobah Pumbaa and Timon about the importance of protecting our planet…to show him how being an Imperial slave can benefit men kind…or so we’re told.

After the relaxing movie we made our way to the Spaceship Earth ride since Isabella wanted to go “inside the ball”…and she has us wrapped around her little finger (but don’t tell her). The ride was great, both kids enjoyed it and so did we. Jakey recognized the astronaut mural as “Buzz” which made his old man proud and hopeful that he will have a bright Imperial future.

We finished our tour at the Spaceship Eath Pavillion where we played some games, sent some e-postcards and dreaded the outside heat. However, we quickly managed to avoid the heat by going into an Imperial animation store – we quickly got out due to the overexcited kids, but not before an Imperial artists who was sketching at the store proclaimed his exhilaration about the hand made autograph books.

As we made our way to take advantage of the "Soarin’" FasPasses afforded to us by the Empire, Jackey – again – decided he wanted turtle soup – at this point we just hurried in doors (again) to cool down (again) and go on a ride (again). Since Jackey not only does not meet the Empire’s demand for slavery, but also doesn’t meet their height requirements Cheri was left to attend the tike while Daddy & Bella pretended they are Superman and Supergirl “Soarin’” above California.

Once we got out, Jackey was all smiles but Cheri was not. It was then decided to forego the “tour around the world” in EPCOT...even though Daddy had his heart set on some delicious pastries from the French pavilion…but there is nothing I’m not willing to do for my beloved wife…and that includes giving up delicious French pastries.

We returned to the lodge…maybe they’ll let us clean the pool.

As it turned out we confused the lodge by returning so early and we got some “free time” to enjoy the pool...an unheard of and unprecedented event in the life of an Imperial slave.

Jakey and I kicked a ball with an idol image of Nemo...we tried to get them interested in dentistry...but worshiping evil is much more fun...or is it kicking evil...I get confused.

After dinner we took the kids to story time & participate in a short parade where they were taught how to play African drums to the glory of the Empire.

Cheri took Jakey to sleep while Isabella and I went to view the animals with night vision goggles.

First flying, now night vision – a truly superhero of a day.

Alas tomorrow....we forgo royalty in favor an early wake up call to go and serve Plutocrat Pooh & Tycoon Tigger...

Pictures at: http://www.travelpod.com/travelblogphotoalbums/laorfamily/14/1253897185/0/12/YES/tpod.html

 

[big_red_s]

If we only knew the day ahead we would have rejoiced at our lucky stars - however we didn't...so we won't.

We had early kitchen duty at the Empire's Crystal Palace. We woke up early to do the customary morning ritual: Imperial coffee in the Imperial mug and watching the Imperial animals.

Then we had to wake up the poor kids and dragged their behinds to the Magic Kingdom…because that is what to be expected from an Imperial slave…no days off…no vacations…ever!

We took some pictures in an empty park…in case we don't see each other again…which is very likely because today we are going to serve Pooh, Protector of the Empire, and his court…an assignment which will surely end in one or more of us…perhaps all…mauled to death.

As we stood in line at the Crystal Palace…shaking in fear…Jackey suddenly noticed Tigger the Terrible inside…his excitement grew as he proclaimed "Tigger, Tigger".

Oh, the innocence of childhood…we couldn't bear...or is it bare...I'll go with bear, just to be safe...anyway...we couldn't bear to tell him what horrors await.

As we were escorted…to what we expected to be the kitchen…we were diverted to a table with full view of the castle.

Could it be the Princess Cinderella is keeping a grudge?
After all we did manage to get out of the royal kitchen duty from under her nose not once, but twice!
Did Cinderella ordered the Protector to maul us to death in front of a full view of the castle…so she cold enjoy the scene of carnage?

It could…I wouldn't put anything past a woman who treats her beloved step-family the way she did.

But the Quarrelsome Quartet of Pooh, Protector of the Empire, Tigger the Terrible, Piglet the Procrastinator and "Eagle Eye" Eeyore took their time. We got served our drinks quickly…must be because the Quartet like their food juicy... and were directed to fatten ourselves with a bunch of delicious delicacies afforded to us via a fattening table … or as the Empire refers to it…a buffet.

At first to visit our table was "Eagle Eye" Eeyore, who must have lost his appetite when Jakey insisted he was a "horse" and led the kids in a parade – obviously to gain his appetite back.

As fans of classic literature... visions of the Pied Piper of Hamlin ran through our heads... and we breathed a sigh of relief when our kids were returned. However, not true to his nickname “Eagle Eye” proceeded to the next table.
We were spared the horror which is known as Eeyore and were allowed to live a few more moments.

Next came Piglet the Procrastinator – sharp fangs and a corkscrew tail which could puncture a battleship. True to form Jakey saved us again by brazenly and bravely chewing on pieces of bacon one after the other until the pig couldn’t stand it anymore (which pig I’m talking about remains to be seen) and left us alone.

Good job brave Sir Jacob.

However what happened next no-one could predicted, our table was visited by Tigger the Terrible – Terror of the Monorail. Our sweet Jakey was immediately enamored by the beast and gladly entered its claws.

The beast must have been as surprised as us…or maybe impressed by Jakey's past and present acts of bravery…and let him go.

We were shocked as we already started to mourn the tike.

But they left the worst for last –The Lord Protector of the Empire, Minister of Conquest and all around cuddly bear – Pooh!

We, again, looked at Jakey to save us all.

Using the tactics he perfected meeting Tigger the Terrible, Jakey attacked the gruesome bear with his charm and cuteness. Pooh was caught off guard and in his confusion and amazement led the kids, again, in a cheerful parade around the room to entice their appetites…so they’ll be tasty.

We didn’t wait to see what would happen; we grabbed our kids and left the Crystal Palace relieved and singing praise of Brave Sir Jacob to the tune made famous by an entrepreneurial and beloved young lady of years ago – Cruella DeVill.

As we left we, thought we heard an anguish scream of frustration and disappointment coming from the top floors of the infamous Imperial fortress.

Learning our lesson from days of yore we headed straight to Ariel’s grotto in order to pay our respects to the siren before she devour us whole. We were disappointed to find the line measured a mere 10 minutes to our imminent deaths.

We let the kids blissfully play in the splash ground while we stood in line trying to figure out a plan – alas no plan was formed in we were called in to the cave of the enchantress.

We expected a vile smell of human carcasses and dead fish, but to our surprise the cave was clean with the Ariel sitting on a rock, her fins intact and eyes glowing of maternal warm…to soften the flesh of little children.

What is now seen as a blessing from heaven, Bella & Jakey must have worked up a plan in the splash-ground because they turned up the charm and the one who has sunk many massive ships before has seemingly forgotten her devious plans and simply let us walk away.

Next we went to pay our respects to newest Imperial royalty – the Ferocious Fairies. Many Imperial slaves must have had the same thought because we stood in line for an hour, happily I might add, watching Imperial propaganda on a huge screen.

We had to check our calendars to make sure we didn’t go back in time to 1984...because of the propaganda...on the huge screen.

As we entered the room, we were told by an Imperial Donald Doctor...or is it Quack Doctor...I'm not sure...anyway, we were told that we will now be deformed to the size of a mere 5 inches as to not overshadow the Ferocious Fairies. Expecting excruciating pain we clung to each other proclaiming our love and ready to be transformed to these vile creatures.

However, this Frankensteinian process went through relatively painless, and only deformed myself…but I have lived a full life and G-d was gracious enough to give me a spare foot and nine spare fingers.

We paid our homage to the mighty fairies and fearlessly walked through the transformation hallway to regain our original size... even though I would have liked another inch or two...for the glory of the Empire.

To celebrate a joyful return to our proper size we honored the Empire by buying Isabella princess Minnie ears, Jakey a Buzz Lightyear hat, a picture frame and a magnet.

Simple joy as we felt today cannot be measured or described – the sweet smell of flowers at Mickey’s Country House or the cake baking in the oven at Minnie Mouse’s Country House were enticing as ever as we headed to Toontown Fair. The kids enjoyed the Imperial Summer Palaces and we enjoyed the “puns” which the Mouse Overlord has inserted into them…who knew such a serious rodent has a sense of humor…maybe he’s not that bad after all.

Bella and I have decided to pay our offer ourselves to Goofy the Guard dog by testing his newest torture device known as the “barnstormer”. A death trap car which tries to destroy one’s soul by throwing them into dangerous curves and hills – for a whole 30 seconds.

While we were risking our lives, Cheri & Jakey were getting fitted in sailor outfits to be a part of the crew of the “Miss Daisy”, Chairman Duck’s boat – only to be booted out due to Jakey’s love of bacon and inappropriate remarks about “Eagle Eye” Eeyore previously.

Narrowly escaping with our lives…again…we quickly ducked into the Imperial train to the main gate and made our escape (with almost all fingers and toes accounted for) to the lodge.

After a refreshing dip in the Imperial watering hole and a restful afternoon…for which thank the Empire to this day– we quickly got back to the Magic Kingdom for a sweet surprise.

As it happened, I arranged with the “powers that be” to be slaving away at the Wishes Dessert Party – and maybe even hope to view the fireworks from the terrace – however I could not divulge the surprise yet.

We ate dinner at Casey’s Corner - hot dogs & fries for all, while an Imperial Pianist played a magical piano that forced our children to dance like monkeys for others to be entertained...because that is what to be expected from an Imperial slave…no days off…no vacations…ever!

We made our way over to Tomorrowland’s Terrace were we checked in and got our Imperial bracelets. We were escorted over to the dessert buffet where a whole bunch of delectable delights were in reach…yet ...so far.

The torture the Empire puts us through has no bounds!

There were chocolate covered strawberries, canoles, various cheesecakes, tarts, brownies, cookies, truffles and the all enticing…Pistachio Crème Brulee; as well as coffee, tea, milk, various juices and, of course, chocolate milk.

And…to enhance our torturous servitude this was a buffet.

Yes, you read right…A DESSERT BUFFET…all desserts, none of that “good for you” stuff which ruined so many delicious meals.

We were escorted in and immediately went to see which trays need to be replaced only to see the Imperial staff whispering and cowering in horror. The were looking at our direction but they couldn’t be talking about us…the harmless soon-to-be-Imperial-slaves.

Could they?

Not at all of us…they have heard of Bella & Jakey’s acts of bravery and valor throughout the day – the way they defeated Pooh's Quarrelsome Quartet, outwitted the Sea Witch Ariel and survived the Fairies Hallway of Horrors.

Of course they chalked it out to the Imperial rumor mill and thought those stories were pure fiction such the legends about a Benevolent Dentist - Savior of Sea Life, or Brave Gaston - Protector of Villages, or Santa Sid - Fixer of Toys, or ...an African American President.

We were escorted to a honorary table and told to eat as our heart desires.
Boy did we eat... and then we ate some more.

At last the fireworks started and we got a celebratory and congratulatory prime spot right next to the railway...the party was also pretty empty so that might have been the cause as well.

However, we had one more hurdle to pass - at the beginning of the fireworks the Imperial forces sent an Imperial scout in the form of Tinkerbell to smoke out the new Imperial enemies.

We nervously watched the beautiful fireworks and breathed a sigh of relief when they were over without incident.

As we were leaving, I heard an Imperial Henchman whispering “PSSSTTTT”, and was suddenly thrust into a dark corner on the side of the bridge connection TomorrowLand and the main plaza.

What I heard put darkness upon me as if I was lost in the killing fields known as the “Hundred Acres Woods”.

“Beware the 17th of September” said the Imperial soothsayer, “where you will do battle with some of the Empire’s most sinister forces in a land named after a city of sin”.

He must have been talking about Hollywood Studios – a park renamed to forget the grandeur of yesteryear.

“Who should we prepare for?” - I asked.

“The Freighting Five” – he said has he backed away into the darkness.

The Freighting Five, as we all know consist of:

Commander Lightyear – General of the Imperial Clone Army
Sheriff Sinister - A law enforcer gone astray (legend has it he is Pinocchio reincarnated as he is supposedly made out of “wood”),
The “I”s - Two red elastic wearing domestic super powered beings whose name invokes such fear that they are never mentioned.
And the most sinister of the Freighting Five – the Imperial Janitor

At this point I was covered with cold chills; when Cheri asked me what was wrong, I told her about the conversation with the Imperial soothsayer when I noticed that she is slowly backing away.

“All I heard was 'fresh hot popcorn’” - she said.

Pictures at: http://www.travelpod.com/travelblogphotoalbums/laorfamily/14/1253911076/0/12/YES/tpod.html

 

[big_red_s]

If we only knew the day ahead we would have rejoiced at our lucky stars - however we didn't...so we won't.

We had early kitchen duty at the Empire's Crystal Palace. We woke up early to do the customary morning ritual: Imperial coffee in the Imperial mug and watching the Imperial animals.

Then we had to wake up the poor kids and dragged their behinds to the Magic Kingdom…because that is what to be expected from an Imperial slave…no days off…no vacations…ever!

We took some pictures in an empty park…in case we don't see each other again…which is very likely because today we are going to serve Pooh, Protector of the Empire, and his court…an assignment which will surely end in one or more of us…perhaps all…mauled to death.

As we stood in line at the Crystal Palace…shaking in fear…Jackey suddenly noticed Tigger the Terrible inside…his excitement grew as he proclaimed "Tigger, Tigger".

Oh, the innocence of childhood…we couldn't bear...or is it bare...I'll go with bear, just to be safe...anyway...we couldn't bear to tell him what horrors await.

As we were escorted…to what we expected to be the kitchen…we were diverted to a table with full view of the castle.

Could it be the Princess Cinderella is keeping a grudge?
After all we did manage to get out of the royal kitchen duty from under her nose not once, but twice!
Did Cinderella ordered the Protector to maul us to death in front of a full view of the castle…so she cold enjoy the scene of carnage?

She could…I wouldn't put anything past a woman who treats her beloved step-family the way she did.

But the Quarrelsome Quartet of Pooh, Protector of the Empire, Tigger the Terrible, Piglet the Procrastinator and "Eagle Eye" Eeyore took their time. We got served our drinks quickly…must be because the Quartet like their food juicy... and were directed to fatten ourselves with a bunch of delicious delicacies afforded to us via a fattening table … or as the Empire refers to it…a buffet.

At first to visit our table was "Eagle Eye" Eeyore, who must have lost his appetite when Jakey insisted he was a "horse" and led the kids in a parade – obviously to gain his appetite back.

As fans of classic literature... visions of the Pied Piper of Hamlin ran through our heads... and we breathed a sigh of relief when our kids were returned. However, not true to his nickname "Eagle Eye" proceeded to the next table.
We were spared the horror which is known as Eeyore and were allowed to live a few more moments.

Next came Piglet the Procrastinator – sharp fangs and a corkscrew tail which could puncture a battleship. True to form Jakey saved us again by brazenly and bravely chewing on pieces of bacon one after the other until the pig couldn't stand it anymore (which pig I’m talking about remains to be seen) and left us alone.

Good job brave Sir Jacob.

However what happened next no-one could predicted, our table was visited by Tigger the Terrible – Terror of the Monorail. Our sweet Jakey was immediately enamored by the beast and gladly entered its claws.

The beast must have been as surprised as us…or maybe impressed by Jakey's past and present acts of bravery…and let him go.

We were shocked as we already started to mourn the tike.

But they left the worst for last –The Lord Protector of the Empire, Minister of Conquest and all around cuddly bear – Pooh!

We, again, looked at Jakey to save us all.

Using the tactics he perfected meeting Tigger the Terrible, Jakey attacked the gruesome bear with his charm and cuteness. Pooh was caught off guard and in his confusion and amazement led the kids, again, in a cheerful parade around the room to entice his appetite…so they’ll be tasty.

We didn’t wait to see what would happen; we grabbed our kids and left the Crystal Palace relieved and singing praise of Brave Sir Jacob to the tune made famous by an entrepreneurial and beloved young lady of years ago – Cruella DeVill.

As we left we, thought we heard an anguish scream of frustration and disappointment coming from the top floors of the infamous Imperial fortress.

Learning our lesson from days of yore we headed straight to Ariel’s grotto in order to pay our respects to the siren before she devour us whole. We were disappointed to find the line measured a mere 10 minutes to our imminent deaths.

We let the kids blissfully play in the splash ground while we stood in line trying to figure out a plan – alas no plan was formed in we were called in to the cave of the enchantress.

We expected a vile smell of human carcasses and dead fish, but to our surprise the cave was clean with the Ariel sitting on a rock, her fins intact and eyes glowing of maternal warm…to soften the flesh of little children.

What is now seen as a blessing from heaven, Bella & Jakey must have worked up a plan in the splash-ground because they turned up the charm and the one who has sunk many massive ships before has seemingly forgotten her devious plans and simply let us walk away.

Next we went to pay our respects to newest Imperial royalty – the Ferocious Fairies. Many Imperial slaves must have had the same thought because we stood in line for an hour, happily I might add, watching Imperial propaganda on a huge screen.

We had to check our calendars to make sure we didn’t go back in time to 1984...because of the propaganda...on the huge screen.

As we entered the room, we were told by an Imperial Donald Doctor...or is it Quack Doctor...I'm not sure...anyway, we were told that we will now be deformed to the size of a mere 5 inches as to not overshadow the Ferocious Fairies. Expecting excruciating pain we clung to each other proclaiming our love and ready to be transformed to these vile creatures.

However, this Frankensteinian process went through relatively painless, and only deformed myself…but I have lived a full life and G-d was gracious enough to give me a spare foot and nine spare fingers.

We paid our homage to the mighty fairies and fearlessly walked through the transformation hallway to regain our original size... even though I would have liked another inch or two...for the glory of the Empire.

To celebrate a joyful return to our proper size we honored the Empire by buying Isabella princess Minnie ears, Jakey a Buzz Lightyear hat, a picture frame and a magnet.

Simple joy as we felt today cannot be measured or described – the sweet smell of flowers at Mickey’s Country House or the cake baking in the oven at Minnie Mouse’s Country House were enticing as ever as we headed to Toontown Fair. The kids enjoyed the Imperial Summer Palaces and we enjoyed the “puns” which the Mouse Overlord has inserted into them…who knew such a serious rodent has a sense of humor…maybe he’s not that bad after all.

Bella and I have decided to offer ourselves to Goofy the Guard dog by being subjected to his malevolent torture device known as the “barnstormer”. A death trap car which tries to destroy one’s soul by throwing them into dangerous curves and hills – for a whole 30 seconds.

While we were risking our lives, Cheri & Jakey were getting fitted in sailor outfits to be a part of the crew of the “Miss Daisy”, Chairman Duck’s boat – only to be booted out due to Jakey’s love of bacon and inappropriate remarks about “Eagle Eye” Eeyore previously.

Narrowly escaping with our lives…again…we quickly ducked into the Imperial train to the main gate and made our escape (with almost all fingers and toes accounted for) to the lodge.

After a refreshing dip in the Imperial watering hole and a restful afternoon…for which thank the Empire to this day– we quickly got back to the Magic Kingdom for a sweet surprise.

As it happened, I arranged with the “powers that be” to be slaving away at the Wishes Dessert Party – and maybe even hope to view the fireworks from the terrace – however I could not divulge the surprise yet.

We ate dinner at Casey’s Corner - hot dogs & fries for all, while an Imperial Pianist played a magical piano that forced our children to dance like monkeys for others to be entertained...because that is what to be expected from an Imperial slave…no days off…no vacations…ever!

We made our way over to Tomorrowland’s Terrace were we checked in and got our Imperial bracelets. We were escorted over to the dessert buffet where a whole bunch of delectable delights were in reach…yet ...so far.

The torture the Empire puts us through has no bounds!

There were chocolate covered strawberries, canoles, various cheesecakes, tarts, brownies, cookies, truffles and the all enticing…Pistachio Crème Brulee; as well as coffee, tea, milk, various juices and, of course, chocolate milk.

And…to enhance our torturous servitude this was a buffet.

Yes, you read right…A DESSERT BUFFET…all desserts, none of that “good for you” stuff which ruined so many delicious meals.

We were escorted in and immediately went to see which trays need to be replaced only to see the Imperial staff whispering and cowering in horror. The were looking at our direction but they couldn’t be talking about us…the harmless soon-to-be-Imperial-slaves.

Could they?

Not at all of us…they have heard of Bella & Jakey’s acts of bravery and valor throughout the day – the way they defeated Pooh's Quarrelsome Quartet, outwitted the Sea Witch Ariel and survived the Fairies Hallway of Horrors.

Up until now they thought rumors of our adventures were part of the Rebel Forces Anti-Imperial propaganda or simply pure fiction such the legends about a Benevolent Dentist - Savior of Sea Life, or Brave Gaston - Protector of Villages, or Santa Sid - Fixer of Toys, or ...an African American President.

We were escorted to a honorary table and told to eat as our heart desires.
Boy did we eat... and then we ate some more.

At last the fireworks started and we got a celebratory and congratulatory prime spot right next to the railway...the party was also pretty empty so that might have been the cause as well.

However, we had one more hurdle to pass - at the beginning of the fireworks the Imperial forces sent an Imperial scout in the form of Tinkerbell to smoke out the new Imperial enemies.

We nervously watched the beautiful fireworks and breathed a sigh of relief when they were over without incident.

As we were leaving, I heard an Imperial Henchman whispering “PSSSTTTT”, and was suddenly thrust into a dark corner on the side of the bridge connection TomorrowLand and the main plaza.

What I heard put darkness upon me as if I was lost in the killing fields known as the “Hundred Acres Woods”.

“Beware the 17th of September” said the Imperial soothsayer, “where you will do battle with some of the Empire’s most sinister forces in a land named after a city of sin”.

He must have been talking about Hollywood Studios – a park renamed to forget the grandeur of yesteryear.

“Who should we prepare for?” - I asked.

“The Freighting Five” – he said has he backed away into the darkness.

The Freighting Five, as we all know consist of:

Commander Lightyear – General of the Imperial Clone Army
Sheriff Sinister - A law enforcer gone astray (legend has it he is Pinocchio reincarnated as he is supposedly made out of “wood”),
The “I”s - Two red elastic wearing domestic super powered beings whose name invokes such fear that they are never mentioned.
And the most sinister of the Freighting Five – the Imperial Janitor

At this point I was covered with cold chills; when Cheri asked me what was wrong, I told her about the conversation with the Imperial soothsayer when I noticed that she is slowly backing away.

“All I heard was 'fresh hot popcorn’” - she said.

Pictures at: http://www.travelpod.com/travelblogphotoalbums/laorfamily/14/1253911076/0/12/YES/tpod.html

 

[big_red_s]

After the excitement, exhilaration and nervousness of the soothsayer's words it was difficult to sleep.

Isabella and I woke up early for the Imperial morning routine (coffee, mug, animals etc.). While we were out we happened upon an Imperial employee who must have heard about our brave exploits and helped us learn more about antelopes.

Up until now Isabella called the beasts "cantaloupes" and my explanations that the main difference between "cantaloupes" and "antelopes" is that cantaloupes are served ripe, while antelopes are good medium rare... were not received well.

The Imperial employee chuckled...in agreement I'd like to think...or maybe she was just being polite...who knows...but my little Isabella's reaction broke my heart.

Her stunned look shocked me...for I thought that the poisonous Politically Correct movement which is sweeping the Empire has gotten a hold of my precious and destroyed her fertile mind before I could intervene...then I remembered she's only four (AND A HALF!!!) and most likely doesn't get her father's dark, sarcastic...yet often delicious...sense of humor.

Isabella found it fascinating to learn about antelopes while watching them and so did I. Actually we learned something about animals, while watching them, everyday...take that institutionalized system which vilifies parents for taking children out of school to save a few bucks on a family vacation...so we can afford to pay taxes...to keep the schools going...but that's a different Empire altogether.

By the time we got back to the room, Jakey was up as well and asking to go see the animals as well. As a prize for his bravery yesterday, I took him and Isabella for another round…or was it to give Cheri a bit of a break…I'm not sure.

We finally got enough courage to get on the bus to Disney's Hollywood Studios, to get in the right mind set, Jakey threw a tantrum right there on the bus…what a warrior the little guy is!

After we successfully passed through the Imperial uniformed guard search and shook in our boots during the fingerprint security screening we were bombarded with the first Imperial attack. A motorized tank…disguised as a high school float…was roaming around the park announcing the imminent Imperial apocalypse... only instead of the usual Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" they played some incompressible melodies which are sure to scare all and any Imperial slaves, guests and enemies.
One might call it a High School Musical (3?) floating tank.

We were dumbfounded...just our luck...Apocalypse...Now?

The motorized tank…disguised as a high school float…even had High School Musical (3?) cheerleaders on it...the Empire does everything in style, that's for sure.
I'm can only imagine that Col. Kurtz & Captain Willard would only dream of cheerleaders in the jungles of VietNam.

The first thing we did in Hollywood Studios is to get a FastPass for Toy Story Mania…because you never know…the Empire might have a benevolent moment before sentencing us to eternal servitude.

Our next mission was to find Commander Lightyear and the illusive Sinister Sherriff, but before we could begin our search we had to duck and cover due to the Commander's Green Army Men minions who were scattered around the park.

We walked into a trap.

A chamber of horrors filled with oversize toy boxes, explosives and other torture devices. As we were brought to a standstill with revulsion, our kids didn't miss a beat, and Isabella…with the "chutzpa" that only a four (AND A HALF!!!) year-old could master…brazenly walked through all the traps with her Princess Minnie ears on while Jakey…still confident from his earlier achievements… audaciously strapped himself to the explosive rocket, an homage to the Valiant Sir Sid who tried to save the universe by sending the Imperial tormentor into oblivion.

As we continued through the maze, outsmarting each trap, we saw that the Imperial Commander and Sinister Sheriff has set us a trap reminiscent of Bruce Lee’s "Game of Death" where the hero has to go through several levels of opponents in a pagoda only to face a 7 foot giant at the top (played by basketball great and Imperial rebel Kareem Abdul-Jabbar).

At the end of the trap, top of the pagoda if you will, waited not one – but two 7 foot giants:

Buzz Lightyear - Commander of the Imperial Clone Army and battery hog
Sherriff Woody – Enemy to collectors and pizza parlors everywhere

… behind them a carnage scene of child’s bed being attacked by a monstrous dinosaur and killer pig.

As we stood there contemplating our first move Isabella simply went up to the two Philistines…who were caught off guard by her brazen disregard for safety as well as charmed by her Princess Minnie ears…handed them her autograph books and occupied them while Jakey was sneaking around the perimeter in order to execute a flanking maneuver…reminiscent of the successful example illustrated by the fearsome warrior Shan-Yu in his attempt to unify China, only to be defeated by his only weakness...a soft heart...when he took pity upon a foolishly insane girl who kept talking to an imaginary dragon and pretending she's a boy.

I will spare you the gruesome details of this ghastly battle – let’s just say that Isabella and Jackey were victorious.

As we exited the bed-of-battle, Jakey, in one last show of unbelievable bravery, turned around and spoken words, which were so often the last ones heard by many victims: "To Infinity...and Beyond!!!"

Needing to rest from the hard battle we entered The Magic of Disney Animation (Daddy's favorite) where magnificent original and not-so-original art from some famous movies (mainly Snow White) were on display. After appreciating the art, destroying the Empire’s propaganda by recording our voices over the cartoons and other such fine pastimes we noticed the Mouse Overlord has came down to the people, in his wizard’s garb, so they can pay homage to his majesty…or get his autograph…I’m not sure.

We slowly backed away...because we are a peacefull family...or we were just tired from another fight...or didn't want to stand in a long line...again, I'm not sure.

On our way out, we encountered the "I"’s – two supreme beings who disguise themselves as a suburban family to destroy as many families as they can while wrecking havoc on the insurance industry.

As Jacob was buzzed (pun intended) from his battle – young brave Isabella decided to take on the challenge herself. She used a tactic familiar to many of the fairer sex – while batting her beautiful blue eyes, throwing back a lock of blond hair, and smiling with lips red as rose she won the battle with kindness and smiles. A tactic which took Mr. & Mrs. Incredible by surprise and melted that frozen heart of theirs – to Sameul L. Jackson’s dismay.

We left the Animation Tour hurriedly – not before stopping to admire a bunch of honors the Empire has received when the rich and famous get together to give awards to... the rich and famous. The awards were shaped as a golden man holding a stick, placed on film reels and are named after…what I believe…is a hot dog – the Oscar.

Once outside we breathed a sigh of relief, but we walked around the corner we saw a group of Imperial slaves standing in line – shivering in fear.

Yes, the most horrible creature of the Fearsome Five has come to do battle – the Imperial Janitor known to young and old alike as "Handy Manny".

Being that Isabella was exhausted from her awesome battle with the "I"s…or refused to get out of the stroller…I’m not sure which… Jakey bravely decided to take this formidable opponent all by himself.

As we got to front of the line, Jakey – again – used the sneaky "autograph tactic” while regaling the Imperial janitor with his encyclopedic knowledge of the TV show "Home Improvement" – a show favored by Handy Manny due to the remarkable likeness of Tim the Toolman to Buzz Lightyear. Before Jakey delivered the final blow, he told Handy Manny how, when helping Daddy, the job takes 4, sometimes even 5, times longer due to his help.

The Janitor was so impressed he let down his guard... which is when Jakey replaced the Janitor's power drill with one of his own – a cursed toy carrying the image of Handy Manny himself which seem to endlessly break until repaired – only to break again.

We have defeated the Fearsome Five – and all before lunch.

To celebrate we went to see Muppet*Vision 3-D but we stopped to appreciate the Star Wars area of the park – where the Imperial Rebel Forces bestowed upon our beloved children the honorary title of “Do Allow Retribution To Him/Her-self” or DARTH – a title, which normally takes years of practice to achieve.

From now on they will be known as Darth Bellissima and Darth Jacamo.

What an honor – we were speechless.

We had an honorary seat at the Muppet*Vision 3-D theater, a movie which shows, once again, the adventures of a selfless, talented and gullible female pig in search of honorable employment, while being outmaneuvered at every turn by a sly, slick and depraved show-biz frog and his minions.

As we walked out of the theater we happened upon the Imperial transport known as "Lightning McQueen" and another transport vehicle called "Mater". Darth Jacamo, who had enough of flirting with princesses, hurried over...
Patience Young Jacamo....
Hmmmm? Hmmmm!

In a public, and might I add humiliating, display of raw emotions and victorious glee Darth Jacamo turned his Commander Buzzyear hat backwards and took off his shirt to pose victorious over Imperial transport Mater while flexing...in what now has become part of Disney’s lore…the “Guns of Geppetto”

We made our way back to Toy Story Mania, and were given an honored seat immediately....or was it the FastPass...I'm not sure. Toy Story Mania is an excellent ride and let us all take out our frustrations on Commander Lightyear, the Sinister Sheriff and their gang of outlaws and criminals.

After the ride...to show our supremacy and our total disregard to the Empire... we got more FastPasses and had Darth Bellissima give them out to another family that was about to wait in line.

We left the park, as we had a previous engagement for Darth Bellissima with the Mad Hatter at the Grand Floridian - an event which is known as the "Wonderland Tea Party". We took the bus and got to the Grand Floridian just in time to watch the magnanimous Mad Hatter getting ready to entertain the little ladies.

To our horror, we watched as the party was taken over by Alice, a little girl who is known for having drug induced hallucinations...who would write such a story and then say "I think this will be educational"?

Now, we live by the motto ("what's a motto?" - "Nothing, what's the motto with you?") "Live and Let Live" but an caveat of that is that you need to leave us out of your life. Yet here we are, trusting our little girl to this drug addict and her angry friend...or is it crazy friend?

As Darth Bellissima was using an old Jedi mind trick to defend herself against the constant barrage of mushrooms, talking flowers and smoking insects (later she confided in us that she was imagining the brave Scar trying to defend the Pride Lands against his dictator brother) we stepped out to scout the Imperial architectural marvel known as “The Grand Floridian”…as well as have a bite to eat…now that I think back... it was definitely to eat…

We walked around the resort to Gasparilla Grill & Games. The one thing both Cheri and I thought was “glad we didn’t stay here”; we would have to watch the kids like hawks as there are too many things to break. The lunch at Gasparilla was probably one of the best Imperial Quick Serve meals we had that week…maybe because they heard of our adventures at defeating the Empire.

As we went back to get our beloved daughter we had to prove our ownership of her by providing the Imperial Tea Masters with our payment receipt (which we got before she entered)…we, of course did so but for a moment we hesitated… because we could save serious money on the air-fare back...but we're not that cheap (how dare you call us "cheap"?).

We walked into the room the horrid smell of cupcakes and frosting entered our nostrils and to our horror we noticed our poor Darth Bellissima slumped on the table…

did she eat any magic mushrooms?
Blue pills?
Red Pills?

What have they done to our little princess?

Just as Darth Jacamo was warming up the "Guns of Geppetto" and about to attack using a secret Ninja move he has picked up watching one-too-many times the dance of King Louie...a move which will set an enemy on "man’s-red-fire"... the girls woke up and yelled... in what seemed to us as Imperial dictation...“Surprise”.

In one final blow, the Empire has given our little peanut “gifts” for us to take back…because we were Imperial slaves whose backs are built for hard-labor…flowers and a mug she decorated herself…artifacts Mrs. Crabapple herself would have been proud of (oops…wrong Empire).

To add insult to injury…no lunch at the Wonderland Tea Party – just a cupcake.

Breathing a sigh of relief, again, we made it back to the Animal Kingdom Lodge via the monorail / bus route and got into the Imperial watering hole. Darth Jacamo kept on throwing tantrums…due to the adrenalin pumping through his veins from today’s events…or because he’s two…I’m not sure.

After dinner at The Mara, Cheri took Darth Jacamo to bed while Darth Bellissima and Daddy enjoyed story time next to the fire pit, only to be filmed for the "Imperial Most Wanted" TV show (they claim it was for “stock footage”, but we know the truth)....

...for tomorrow we will be conquering heroes.

Pictures at: http://www.travelpod.com/travelblogphotoalbums/laorfamily/14/1254165970/0/12/YES/tpod.html

 

[big_red_s]

Woke up exhausted after difficult day yesterday, but felt a freedom I haven't felt in five, or even six days. Started the now all too familiar morning ritual of Imperial coffee (which tasted sweeter), in the Imperial mug (which seemed cleaner) and watching the Imperial zebras (which seemed... stripier…?).

It seemed our exploits over the this week have rubbed the Empire the wrong way because when I got back to our Imperial slave quarters there was an envelope of our door notifying us that we are released as of tomorrow…I believe they called it "check out"

"Check out" what?

We ignored the Empire's dire warning…after all…we are the victors; but we didn't know where to celebrate our monumental achievements.
Sea World?
Universal?
Gatorland?
Discovery Cove?

Suddenly we had a brilliant idea…how about the "happiest place on earth".

So we headed to the Magic Kingdom.

From some reason it seemed easier to pass through the Imperial uniformed guards and happy-go-lucky Imperial henchman…I bet they heard about our amazing feats...or maybe it was Jakey's flexing the "Guns of Geppetto...or could have been the minimal crowd"...I'm not sure.

After taking a few celebratory photos in front of the Imperial fortress we headed to AdventureLand to rejoice with our mates…and a bottle of rum.

On the way we stopped for a magic carpet ride at The Magic Carpets of Aladdin , where kind "Jaffar The Just" saw it fit to spray us with holly water being delivered by holly golden gilded camels.

Still rejoicing from being honored by his Justiceness – we moved onward noticing a commotion ahead. It was the street urchin Aladdin trying to steal some candy from a baby…or signing autographs…who knows at this point.

Being true and humble victors we turned our backs on sad Aladdin and headed over to our see our chums. As we crossed into Adventureland Darth Bellissima suddenly spits out "I haven't met Mr. Smee yet".

Mr. Smee?

Cheri and I just looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders, only to be dumbfounded a few moments later when we turned the corner to see…Captain Hook – Master of the Seven Seas and…Mr. Smee – First mate and navigator extraordinaire.

Is the Force so strong with Darth Bellissima that she can see the future?

Praise Palpatine.

Of course Darth Hook and Darth Smee took immediately to the kids, no doubt they have heard high-seas tales of their legendary journeys and epic battles with the Empire's minions.

After bidding farewell to Masters of the Seas we headed over to the Jungle Cruise – a cheesy yet always fun adventure and the kids got a kick from seeing all the animals….

….wait a minute….

...we were seeing real animals all week long and they are excited about fake ones…could it be that the Empire has had the last laugh?

We barely escaped the Jungle Cruise with all our limbs in place (minus those lost at the Fairies Frankenstenian Transformation Process) after an evil robot elephant tried to spray us with acid...or water…we're not sure...lucky for us our Imperial guide was quick to react and saved the whole boat.

To give credit were credit is due, the Imperial guide has saved us numerous times during the short cruise…maybe he was an Imperial rebel in disguise…or maybe he was intimidated by Jakey's "Guns of Geppetto...or maybe he didn't know who we were….no, that can’t be it.
Maybe,... just maybe... he valued his eyebrows and simply ignored the celebrities on his boat yet; a more plausible option is Darth Bellissima’s new-found mind altering powers…yes…that’s the one I’m going to go with.

As one would have it, we found ourselves standing next to the friendliest place in the Kingdom – The Pirates of the Caribbean.

With a cheerful and rowdy "Arrrr" we readily entered the attraction – being treated as victors we simply marched to the head of the line…after parking the stroller…and took the next boat to be enter the town in a celebratory procession headed by the famous and kind Captain Jack…or was it Captain Morgan?

As, what we perceived to be a one-of-a-kind honor...or more if you ride again... we were greeted by the merciful pirate Davy Jones…even though we were a bit disappointed he didn’t jump into a heart wrenching rendition of "Last Train to Clarksville".

We made our way to “It’s a Small World"… an mysterious ride which has transfixed the family into a trans-like zone where we imagined a world without lawyers and full of rainbows…oooh…was it me or did everyone feel that cold shutter?

Before “It’s a Small World” I felt something was wrong, because the ride was empty and I went to get FastPasses for Peter Pan's Flight only to come back and find…a line.

A line!!!!

I have never been so humiliated in my life, the wife and kids were in tears somberly singing “after all - a small world - it is, after all - a small world - it is…Hmmmm? Hmmmm!"

Malevolent Master Yoda at work no doubt.

As the head of the family and a responsible parent I did the only thing I could think of…I blamed Darth Bellissima for not using her new-found powers...looking into the future and warning us of the impending abomination to come.

As we got off the ride, we were felt our knees buckle…a combination of complications from the nefarious Fairies Frankenstenian Transformation Process and the knee-crushing boat ride we just endured – which made us appreciate the generous “airline-leg-room” we will soon be forced to endure.

After another round of Peter Pan’s Flight, we ate some lunch at the Friars Nook and... had some ice-cream. Darth Jacamo jumped at the opportunity to devour a Mouse Overlord -like ice-cream while Darth Bellissima was a bit more refined and ate a pink Popsicle, reminiscent of her battle the previous day with The Incredibles: Team of Super Powered Domestic Gods.

Even though Darth Jacamo devoured his Overlord ice-cream, he wasn’t quick enough to eat it before the Imperial sun melted it and Mouse Overlord likeness ended as a molten mass on the floor.

Thinking about the irony of the situation we sheepishly laughed as we clean up the mass…without pointing and singing as is the habit of a famous occultist imposing terror and discipline on kids in the form of a mysterious nanny...this time not because we are Imperial slaves but because that is the example we want to serve our kids…so when they grow up they can become benevolent Emperors and not count on their servants for their every whim…otherwise they’ll end up living a delusional life in a French castle as an internal beast tears them apart in their solitude….

...wait a second…could it be that the famous story is a metaphor and not French history?

At last we ventured out and to the Animal Kingdom Lodge for what will be known as the “Watering Hole Farewell Tour”.

After a restful and uneventful break we came back to the Magic Kingdom for a wonderful surprise. A huge party was thrown in our honor, but in order to throw off Commander Lightyear and the Clone Army it was named “Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party”.

We were in the seventh heaven.

The party was spectacular, all the Imperial rebels came out from hiding:
Maleficent – Protector of villages from sleeping curses
The Queen – Hero to senior citizens and apple orchard farmers
Curella DeVill – Entrepreneur and President & CEO of "Coats for the Poor" charity
Jaffar – Homeland Security Domestic Adviser
Queen of Hearts – Skillful brain surgeon
Captain Hook – Commander and Navigator
Lady Tremaine & Stepsisters – Beauty & kindness unmatched….

Even the lovely Ursula – psychotherapist supreme who has helped thousands of “poor, unfortunate souls” – was rumored to be in area.

Celebratory candy was given to kids of all ages…and not the cheap candy your pedestrian neighbors give children who were so unlucky as to end on their door step…real quality stuff.

Fog machines were everywhere giving the park a "special" aura about it.

Dance parties started almost spontaneously...unless they were planned... where…for a change…the Empire's demi-gods were finally made to come down from the top of the Imperial fortress and mingle with ...hold your nose…commoners and Imperial slaves.

Even all of the Imperial Miners took a break from whistling and working so they can join Enchantress Snow White – enemy of the elderly and enslaver of forest animals – for a once in a lifetime...or more if you go more often...appearance.

The Imperial fortress, for once...or more if you go more often...changed its colorful scheme…which has put many children under it’s alluring spell…for more subdued tones which undue the wicked hypnosis caused by their predecessor’s pallet.

After the spectacular fireworks, exploding to the tunes of the fore-mentioned heroes we were on our way to get a good night’s rest.

Before we hit the sheets we packed…as the kids were on the bed either sleeping or watching TV…it never even occurred t them to use their new Jedi mind trick powers to help us lift the suitcases.

For tomorrow will be our last day and unbeknown to us the Empire had one more trick up it’s sleeves…

Pictures at: http://www.travelpod.com/travelblogphotoalbums/laorfamily/14/1254245723/0/12/YES/tpod.html

 

[big_red_s]

Unbeknown to us the Empire had one more trick up its sleeves…could it be that they are that organized…or is it our disorganization….we'll never know.

I woke up and sadly did the last morning ritual

Imperial coffee…Imperial mug…Imperial animals.

Note to self: ask for a zebra next birthday to be stationed in the back yard.

The Empire was in such a hurry to get rid of us that they already printed our boarding passes and left them on our door…they also allowed us to check our baggage in the lodge instead of the the airport…if I didn't know any better I would have assumed that this is an incredibly valuable service to their guests…but I know better.

As we left our slave's quarter we couldn't help but feel a pinch of sadness…we even started to refer to it in the Imperial term of "room" and Darth Bellissima was bragging to all she met that her lifelong dream of having a TV in her room has finally came to fruition.

Darth Jacamo was in his glory and to show his dominance he loudly reiterated his tales of conquest wherever he went…but he's only two…so it seems like he was having a tantrum every 15 minutes.

The Empire has taken care of our suitcases…but we still had to pay Continental…because they are in cahoots with the Empire.

To object this unholy alliance Darth Jacamo sang a song of protest …or was having a tantrum…we’re not sure.

As a last hurrah we had scheduled a breakfast with Chairman Duck at the Tusker House in the Animal Kingdom, however when we got there our 30 minutes of "breakfast buffer time" were quickly evaporated up by…waiting.

Darth Jacamo doesn’t like to wait…so he noisily boasted for everyone to hear about his excellent and delicious Peking Donald Duck recipe…but everyone thought he was having a tantrum....because he's only two.

Since there were new people showing up every several minutes, Darth Jacamo kept repeating the recipe…what a guy…so considerate….

An Imperial employee made it clear to us that we won't be seated anytime soon... because they were still seating those who had prior reservations...that means that we would have been seated 25-30 minutes past our appointed time…which we reserved a full 3 months ago…nice one Empire…nice one!

So we left - there goes the last hurah.

The Empire had to get this one last jab…to which we calmly said "Hakuna Matata" and went to eat at Pizzafari.

Not to be outdone by suite wearing...or sailor outfit wearing... MBAs we charged an adult meal as our last dining plan credit…even though we had only a child’s meal left…take that Scrooge McDuck and your crates full of glorious, splendid and majestic treasures.

And Darth Jacamo piercingly proclaimed his dominance several times while exiting the park.

Back at the lodge we had almost 45 minutes to wait for the Imperial transport…or Magical Express bus…I’m not sure…to take us to the airport. We relaxed while the kids watched cartoons in the lobby.

Darth Jacamo was so pleased with the cartoon, he deafeningly kept announcing how he beat each and every character shown into submission…or was having tantrums…again, there is no way of knowing.

The Imperial Transport came on time, but as we were getting off Darth Bellissima forgot her Princess Minnie ears on the bus…she was a bit upset but not as much as Darth Jacamo who decided that each and every passenger at Orlando’s airport should hear the "Tale of the Missing Ears"…only that he’s two…so everyone probably thought he was having tantrums.

The plane ride was mostly good, Darth Bellissima and Darth Jacamo watched some more Imperial propaganda, this time discussing "lessons learned" as all good Imperial Rebels do. Darth Jacamo fell asleep…only that it was ten minutes before we were about to land.

Relaxing in our seats, putting our heads back lamenting about how we barely survived the "Mouth of the Mouse" and discussing what would be our next adventure.

Suddenly we realized that we finally found an answer to the profound question which has been bugging human kind for generations: where do you arrive when flying towards the “second star to the right and straight on 'till morning”?

Newark, New Jersey!

Next - some tips...

 

[big_red_s]

All "Imperial " non-sense aside, we had a great time.

Here are some tips we thought we'll pass along:

First and foremost – Disney is geared towards kids.
It might be obvious to you and me, but most of the negative reviews online start with "we don't have any kids but…".
But what?
The food is lame?
Too crowded?
Your honeymoon was ruined by the crying brat next door?
Yes, yes and yes.

Disney a great place for kids of all ages, but be aware that kids will be there, throwing tantrums, being brats and that includes the parents.

Even though our kids threw a tantrum here and there at the parks, they were angels compared to what we witnessed (even though most parents quickly got a handle on the situation).

That being said:
Curb Your Fancy Expectations
There is a difference between "luxury" and "Disney luxury"

Stroller
We brought our stroller from home and it was worth it. The strollers you rent at Disney looked uncomfortable and you'll appreciate not walking out of a show/ride and looking for your stroller in a sea of similar looking strollers parked outside (Disney Cast Members often rearrange the strollers).

Travel Agent
As I said, we used Small World Vacations, which took care of all hassles for us (making reservations, etc.), gave us advice and guidlines as well as helpful links.
This is of no cost to you (and if you're going to Disney, believe me you'll need the money) because Disney pays them for the booking.

Reservations
If you are on the dining plan you have to make reservations to sit down restaurants if they are popular (Cinderella's Royal Table for example). You are only allowed to make reservations 90 days in advanced but if you are staying at a Disney resort you can make them 100 days before.
Disney has opened their on-line reservations system so now you don't have to call, but travel agents have first dibs as the system opens earlier for them.

Disney Dining Reservations are NOT "Dining Resevations" as we know them to be
We found that out the hard way. Disney dining reservations are a "dining FastPass" - meaning you could wait up to 45 minutes after your "reservation" time for a table to open up because "Disney reservations" simply puts you at the head of the list.

Yes, it sucks and there should be a better system especially after you made the effort to make "reservations" 3 months in advance as well as plan your whole trip around them.

It sucks even more if you are waiting outside in the heat with a whole bunch of annoyed adults and hungry kids.

For a huge company that can basically order just the right amount of hockey-puck hamburgers each month, they should be able to make their reservations system work better.

Disney's PhotoPass
PhotoPass is basically professional photographers scattered in strategic and photogenic locations around the Disney parks ready to take your picture. They'll give you a card with a number and after your vacation you can go on-line, look at the pictures (up to 30 days) and order prints or a CD if you'd like.
We took 151 PhotoPass photos (most are pretty good and about four are "frameable". If you know something about photography you know that's a good ratio), and the PhotoPass photographer were happy to take a picture with our camera as well.
If you get two cards, you can join them together and most Disney park / hotel has a PhotoPass desk where you can view your photos answer questions and even look for photographs if you lost your card.
By the way, you can associate your PhotoPass cards with many character meals and get all the photos on the CD instead of just the printed souvenir they hand you at the event.

Use this link to pre-order the CD for $99: http://www.disneyphotopass.com/previsitcdplan.aspx?CMP=EMC-PASOWphs
The link is NOT on the PhotoPass website.

Character Greetings:
Jakey (2) was freaked out by all the costumed characters except Tigger & Pooh, Isabella (four - AND A HALF!!!) loved them all.

The autograph books were a great way to get Jakey to go up to the characters. All the characters we met, especially the talking ones (princesses, fairies etc.) were consummate professionals and impressed us to no-end. They were sweet, kind, took their time (as much as they could), kept the lines moving yet made every child feel special (our favorites were Cinderella's step-mother and step-sisters).

Keep it up!!!

The costumed characters were excellent as well, even though their job endearing themselves to kids has to be harder because they don't talk.

We didn’t force the kids to go up to anyone they didn’t want to.

Child Safety Tattoos
We got the temporary tattoos from Safetytat printed with our cell phone number on it (http://www.safetytat.com/). The kids liked them and gave us a little peace of mind.

Take a Picture of Your Children Everyday
This way if G-d forbid something happens, you'll know what they were wearing. That being said: number of kids gone missing from Disney parks since they opened in 1955: zero!!! (at the time of this blog).

Take a Picture of Disney Tickets
You should already have photocopies of important documents and credit cards - that's Travel 101. We also took a photo of our Disney tickets and of our PhotoPass card in case they got lost.

Bring snacks
Even if you have the dining plan you still need snacks. There is a Florida online grocery store (http://www.gardengrocer.com) to deliver groceries to your hotel.

If you have a car service pick you up, they will stop at a supermarket for you (ask for the local supermarket like Publix, not the ones geard towards tourists).

We brought our own snacks & breakfast items with us, as well as bought a few water filter bottles from http://www.************.com/ which worked out great and did a wonderful job filtering the water (which could be refilled at any one of the many fountains in the park).

Bring snacks into the park
Disney allows you to bring snacks into the park as long as they are not in glass container or alcohol (if you bring alcohol to Disney you have bigger problems).
This is a HUGE money saver.
If you freeze the water bottles over night you'll have cold water throughout the morning.

You could also ask for ice, which is free.

Merchandise
There are several "official Disney outlets" driving distance from the parks ("Character Warehouse", "Character Premiere", etc.) which sell only official Disney merchandise for a hell of a lot less than the parks (even though it's "off season" merchandise).

Bring Toys from Home
OK, it might be cheating – but it’s cheaper.

For example you can get the glow sticks at the Dollar Store and give them to the kids at the park instead of buying them and paying untold amounts more. We brought a Cinderella dress that we paid $20 for instead of bying one at the park for two, three, or four times that.

Annual Pass
If you are staying for more then five days check into the cost of an annual pass, it might be cheaper and more convenient (park hopping wise).

Have Fun
Get in the mindset to have a good time.
Yes, the food is mostly theme park food (because you're in a theme park), it's hot, humid, hoards of annoying people around, crying kids, rude adults etc.
But you're at Disney - and you're lucky you can afford it and it's the "happiest place on earth" so just relax, let things slide and have a good time.
You'd be surprised how nice people are once you're nice to them. We conversed with strangers every day and almost on every line.

Regrets - We've Had a Few:
I wish I would have bought a small tripod for the camera. I'd have gotten wonderful night pictures.

We should have built more down time, even though we thought we did.

If we had to do this trip over again I'd switch are character lunches / late breakfasts with early character breakfasts.

Resources We Used:
allears.net - a great website with everything Disney and updated everyday
disboards.com - a Disney community with tips, strategies and plans. Every question you post will most likely be answered by the community.
travelpod.com
Fodor's Walt Disney World® with Kids 2009 - a great book which includes time and money saving tips, insider secrets, and scare factors for every ride and venue, including those at Universal Orlando and Seaworld. Befoe we even left I already had the book borrowed by co-workers (all of them have been to Disney several times).
Small World Vacations - I haven't used a travel agent since 1992, using this agency was probablly one of the best things we could do on this trip.