Disney Dilemna with Niece!!!

[xoprincessmomxo]

Hi everybody....I've been planning for a long time now to take my family (dh, dstepd 11, dd6, and dd 7months) to Disney World in August '08. Well, a couple of nights ago, my MIL called with some terrible news. My sister in law has decided she no longer wants the responsibility of raising her all ready 6 year old daugther!!! Can you imagine? I guess it has gotten really bad between the two, SIL seems to be going of her rocker and yelling that she hates her and wishes she had never had her. Obviously, dh and I WILL not allow that to happen. She was only 14 when she had her (not at all an excuse) and if she didn't want a baby she should have given her up then. So many couples are looking to adopt babies....My husband is picking her dd up this Saturday to stay with us for two weeks while we all try to figure things out. While we would definitely take custody of her in a heartbeat, it will take some adjustment. At 6, she's all ready been through things I couldn't even imagine and I worry about my own daughters too. It sounds very selfish of me, I know .... Also, what do I do about our Disney trip??? I don't think we will be able to scrape up enough money with her added in. We were planning on staying in a value standard room, but we would have to upgrade to a cabin or suite....I love her to death, I am just scared about all of these changes....I think I just need moral support, if anything!!! Thank you....

 

[abbybeth]

Well, seeing as how I don't have children and haven't been in a situation like this at all, I don't have any practical advice for you.

I can, however, say that you're an incredible person (along with your DH) to be so willing to take that little girl in without a second thought. With any luck and some pixie dust, maybe it'll work out to take her with you to WDW... it sounds like if there's anyone who could really use something amazing in her life, that little girl could.

best wishes to you - it sounds like she'll have a much stabler, happier life with you and your family. Maybe her mother will realize what she's missing after she's in your care for a while. Maybe not, but no child deserves to be treated like that!

 

[taximomfor4]

If it helps at all, you can still stay in a standard value room, as WITH your niece you are 4 plus an infant.

maybe your MIL will assist you in getting her a ticket? I can't think of what that poor little girl has been through already. A trip as part of a REAL FAMILY might be just the thing.

Bless you for opening your heart and your home! My grandma took in a 4 yo child (girl) years ago (when my dad and uncles were kids). She ended up raising her to adulthood, seeing her married, taking her in during a rough divorce, and leaving her the same inheritance as the others. That little girl has always been my aunt, and an integral part of our family. Who knows what would have become of her if she hadn't landed in a family!

Beth

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Thank you guys for your support. I, too am hoping that after a few weeks away from her mom, she'll realize what she's giving up. But, even so I'm not sure either I or my husband will be comfortable sending her back home to that mess. MIL would be of not much help, she's out of work on social security disability....(yeah, I'm not exactly sure how my dh came out of this family! We were, how should I say this, from two VERY different sorts of families growing up!) I am kind of thinking we could shorten the length of stay and maybe get a Value suite. We'll see....I'm getting nervous about seeing her. Our house is under construction right now, so our space is limited enough! Luckily, my sister lives out on a farm so I can send them all out there to run around with the cousins and burn of energy. My dear niece is such a city kid, it will be fun to see her in a small town! I think she will have a blast!

 

[Perditamarie]

It is so wonderful you are opening your home to this little girl. Seems like she doesn't have much to fall back on and your family may be a haven for her. Some things to think about: getting paid support from SIL and DN's father when she is in your custody (especially permanently),ensure health benefit coverage and power of attorney/guardianship docs to have custody, travel out of state, obtain necessary medical treatment and enroll her in school, if applicable. I bet a local family law help center (maybe can offer reduced or pro bono legal advice) can help you with custody/guardianship if it gets to that. You also don't want this poor girl ping-ponging between SIL and you, or worse, strangers/friends you don't know whenever SIL has an "episode". God bless you and DH for being there for her.

Regarding your trip, you still have over a year to save for your trip and as a group of 5 + infant, you all will fit in a Alligator Bayou in POR....maybe you will be lucky enough next year to hit free dining and that will help offset a mod and an extra ticket. I am sure it would be a trip of a lifetime for your neice, regardless of whether she ends up with you permanently. Maybe you can ebay, yardsale or craigslist to generate extra $$ for DN. We always pack breakfast items to bring with us to save time and $$.

 

[3princesses+aprince]

Good Luck with your niece, that is very nice of your family to take her in.
I'm sure she would enjoy Disney, even thinking about it before going is exciting. I have 4 kids, so we needed more than a value too, look into getting 2 value rooms(connecting) instead of the suite, it's cheaper! And good luck with everything!!

 

[Micka Mouse]

You are an incredibly caring person ! I don't have any experience to speak from, but I had to let you know that you warmed my heart. The OP mentioned craigslist, ebay, etc...great idea!!!! I'm trying to save for our '09 trip. I put an empty water jug (crystal rock) in my closet. Anytime I have extra money, I throw it in there. After one month, I have $20+ dollars, which I think is great for "extra change". I put alot of stuff on craigs list, and have made about $50 so far--on stuff I considered tag sale items. Definetly wouldn't have gotten that much if I sold them at the tag sale

Best of Luck! Keep us posted on your progress!

 

[FayeW]

Don't rule out staying offsite. You can get fabulous, luxury accomodations for a fraction of the onsite price. Just today I was looking at 3 bdrm condos at Windsor Hills for $79 per night.

I know, I know, if you stay offsite you will have to rent a car, pay for parking and won't have access to extra magic hours. All I can say to that is if you are schlepping six people, including an infant (with stroller, diaper bag, etc) around in the Florida heat in Aug, you might be thankful to have your own car to come and go as you please in air conditioned comfort. You will also be able to easily stock up on inexpensive drinks and groceries. With your own condo you can offset some meal costs by having breakfast and some snacks at home.

Just a suggestion. We have loved the 2bdrm condos we have stayed in in the past. Cannot even imagine spending more money to cram into one room (and it sounds like you might have to pay for two rooms).

 

[makinorlando]

to you, your family and your DN. I hope that all will work out for you in everyday life, as well as for a trip to Disney for her! If there is anything as a "local" that I might be able to do to help you you plan when the time comes, please keep my name in mind!

I went through something similar to this two summers ago with my niece (she is married with three boys -and was dealing with marriage and mental health issues) and just not wanting to be a mother any longer - her oldest boy - my DGN - was 10 at the time, and he came to say with us in Orlando. At the time it was for a month, with the possibility of it being a permanant thing for the school year and beyond if necessary. We had all the legal stuff covered, just in case he decided to stay - the only thing we did not work out were financial issues - as she had NOTHING to offer at the time!

We had our ups and downs during his stay - we were VERY close when I lived in PA, in fact for the 1st two years of his life he lived with us more than he lived with his mother, and my DD and he are as close as brother and sister. There were the comments that I took DDs side, that I loved her more, etc - He had anger issues, but I would have done anything for him to help him not feel abandoned (emotionally as much as physically by his mom and step dad).

I think in the back of my mind (and I think it's natural) that I was feeling that I am doing something great for him, giving him an opportunity to be away from the drama that was his life, in a house with a pool, close to theme parks, the ocean, etc - that he would act somewhat grateful, but he had way too much anger buried inside to really be able to appreciate it. I still showed him that I loved him, hugged him (whether he liked it or not) and tried to spend some individual time with him after DD went to bed (he was on mess ADD that really seemed to mess with his sleep patterns- he'd be awake until 3am, and then sleep until noon - so we would sit up and watch Fresh Prince reruns!)

I tell you all this so you can tuck away somewhere in the back of your mind that although being with your family might be 100% better than were she is - she might not be able to communicate it to you! Hopefully at 6 - she is not as far gone as DGN!

Fortunately for Tyler, he decided he wanted to go back home, the time away had given everyone time to work on their issues with one less child to worry about, (DN moved out of the house with just DGN the 2 younger boys DGN 5 & 3 - stayed with dad).

Happy to say that today the family is back together under one roof, and things are looking better for the future.

Tyler still looks forward to his summer visits.

As I said I would have done anything to keep him safe and try and make him feel loved, but it would have taken lots of love, strength and patience to undo the damage that has already been done!

 

[MINNIE OF TWO MICE]

A subject really close to my heart. I will try to make a long story short. We were a family of six growing up. My aunt was murdered by her boyfriend and father of their two children. My dad had four other brother and sisters all with small families. None could "afford" two more children. My Mom didnt work. My Dad and Mom had a family discussion with us four children about taking them in to keep them out of foster care. We all agreed knowing that it meant less everything for us. I was eleven at the time and my younger sister was four and we had two older sisters. Our cousins were two and nine months old. My parents adopted them. My Mom started sewing for the public and baking cakes for extra money. Both of which she is great at. She got to where she was doing entire weddings, flowers and all. We might not of had everything we wanted but we had our necessities. I cant imagine my life without them. I am telling you this because you can do it. Financially you will make it. You may have to do things a little different but all will work out. Everyone in your family will benefit from it. Especially your neice.

As far as WDW. You have a year. Discuss with the little ones what you could do to save money. Skip something you tend to make habit of like McDonalds or Baskin Robbins Ice Cream. A little here and there adds up quickly. I know mine are willing to give up alot to go see the mouse!!!

I hope all goes well for you and your family.

 

[PaulaSue]

What a wonderful thing to even consider doing.

I sure hope you can figure out a way to include the 6 yr in your trip. IT sounds like she needs a little Disney Magic!

 

[ksumn1]

I think what you are doing is wonderful. This little girl needs all the love and support she can get right now.

I agree with the other posters...you have a year to save and budget. I'm not sure what your plans are, but you can always eat breakfast in the room (cereal, bagels etc) only do 1 or 2 character meals, split meals at counter service places (they're huge). You could also possible add in a "resort" day or rest day into your plans so you can buy one less day on your tickets, and instead do a pool day or explore the resort, hit DD instead of a park. I also agree that maybe renting a house or staying off site could also save $. Or even renting DVC points. Try to go in value season, of course.

One small thing I did was had relatives give the girls Disney $$'s on birthdays, holidays etc. Just $5 or $10, but over the course of a year it really added up and they had plenty of money for their souveniers.

I hope everything works out for you. You might also want to post on the Budget Board, the people there know all about saving $$. Keep us posted!!
God Bless.

 

[pweyl36]

My sister has her sil to younger kids,(her other sil has the older child) she got one at the age of 2 and the other at 6wks he was just left in a motel room but any way please get counseling for the child,also you still have over a year left before you go,you still have time to save and ask for disney dollars for bdays and xmas for the girls. We treat all the kids even though they are not related by bloods as if they were,that helps them feel as if they are part of the family.

 

[angwill]

OP as a mother who adopted a 4 yo boy from foster care who is now 12 you can and will make it. In the beginning you wonder where the extra money, time, patience etc will come from but it will be there for you when you need it. She will be angry and she will not be appreciative so don't expect it. I look at it this way why should a child appreciate what they deserve, a loving stable environment. Would a parent expect a birth child to aprreciate a good loving home? Yes, there are things children should be thankful for and need reminders once in a while about how lucky they are but those things are the extras like a trip to Disney. She will have plenty of time to realize what you did when she is grown and old enough to really process the struggle of raising children. Watch her closely with your other children because old habits die hard especially unhealthy habits. Know that in the end it will be an extremely rewarding experience for your whole family and well worth all the struggles you might encounter. Good luck and if you need to talk PM me.

Ang

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Thank you all so much for the support!


Perditamarie: I did not realize all of the help that is out there for people in this situation untill I started talking to people about it. Luckily, my sister has a friend in our town that works as a DHS counselor for families that said she will help us out if we should need it. I agree that I don't want her bouncing between different families. That would be just as bad.

FayeW: That sounds like a good idea. I will have to start looking into more of the offsite hotels.

makinorlando: Thank you for your personal story. See, I worry about that with my other daughters, of her resenting them or the other way around. I, too, am hoping at 6 she will not be too far gone.

angwill: Thank you for the advice. It definitely resonated with me and was something I needed to hear! Having her around my children is something I worry about and my one hesitation. I just wish her mother would have realized that she didn't want her earlier, before she had to live through 6 years of torture!

I will definitely keep everyone updated on this. She also has a "grandpa" (her dad's mother's ex-husband!) who has been a very constant, loving figure in her life and we will need to speak to him. Her dad is non-existent and she has had limited contact with his mother, but Granpa John has been there for her always...but I am pretty certain he isn't wanting custody, just visitation rights. But I want to have a good sitdown with all involved so we can do what's best for her. Thanks again everyone for listening....

 

[Chris]

Wanted to offer you some hugs. That little girl needs people like you and your husband and you should be very proud of yourselves.

Things will work out how they are suppose to.

 

[BarbWB]

You are such a good person to take her and love her.
As far as Disney, look at www.windsorhillsrent.com and look at the 3br townhomes. They have their OWN pools.
Or, switch to a condo at windsor hills and use the savings to rent a car. Life with a family of 4 is more expensive, but you can do it!!!

 

[angwill]

I just noticed that you are going in August 08. That is when they have had free dining the last few years. Wouldn't that be awsome if you didn't have to worry about the cost of food. That alone can save you a whole lot of money on the trip. Just have faith and something will come through for you to be able to take everyone and have an awsome time.

Ang

 

[mickeymouse1017]

I just wanted to say that you, your husband and your children are all very special people for taking care of your neice. Things will work out for you because good always come out of good. I will keep you in my thought and prayers for the best. Check into the free dining and budget hotels. Have a wonderful trip. You and your family deserve that and so much more.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Well, we have got her for two weeks! She came this morning. My DH called his sister a few nights ago and said "We're coming to get her for a couple of weeks". DSIL was a little apprehensive, and my DH just said we wanted to give her a break. And maybe it would refresh everything. So, here she is sitting on the couch with my DD and DSD eating suckers and watching a movie. She has been very well behaved. Only problem she's had was terrible heartburn/ stomach ache after dinner...which we have found out has been going on for quite awhile. We imagine it is stress induced. But she calmed down and I just hope the rest of the time we have her goes just as smoothly. My DH plans on telling her mother a thing or two when he drops her back off (which will be so hard!). We are going to let her know that things either have to change or we are not scared to call CPS on her. I can't stand to think of what this beautiful, sweet little girl has gone through. How lucky her mother is; and she doesn't even realize it. What a shame.