Discipline Advice Needed

[HLAuburn]

We have a 6 year old DD who, for the most part, is a really good kid. Lately, however, she has been having some serious meltdowns. I know I am not by any means a perfect parent, but I've noticed that these incidents occur 90% when DH is around. She does do it when it's just her and me, but we seem to work things out. For the most part, the major ones happen when he is there.

I don't want to "blame" him for the way she acts, but sometimes I feel like his "disciplining" adds fuel to the fire. He either completely freaks out, like over the top yelling or some ridiculous form of bribery to get out of the situation. For instance, the other night we were at a Girl Scout info meeting in a school cafeteria. DD and DH were up front and apparently she was doing something that he didn't like (she was annoyed she couldn't hear what the speaker was saying, so she was having a mini-fit), so he told her there was "a surprise outside" and/or that he would get her a surprise if she left the cafeteria. Way to reinforce bad behavior, huh!?

Anyway, when we get in the car and DD says Daddy promised her a surprise, I about blew a gasket! I explained to DD that in no way, shape or form was she getting a "surprise" because of the way she acted in the meeting. Later (when DD wasn't around), I asked him to not do that again. He agrees that it's not OK, but it's like he doesn't know how else to deal with her.

So my question is...what can we do to get some better ideas on how to modify her behavior? Unfortuntely, I don't think reading it from a book is going to do the trick, but I'd be open to one if it's great. What are some other sources for parenting skills you all have had luck with?

By the way, she is an angel at school and with everyone else, which leads me to conclude that it's US and not her!

Thanks!

 

[Hannathy]

so what was her punishment for throwing a tantrum at school? Wow my kids know they would be dead if they ever pulled that on me. Public behavior is top on the list.
You have to be swift and consistent when she doesn't behave how you want. and all actions must have a consequence. Misbehave in public is a swift removal from the area and a consequence. everytime.
She has to know what you expect and what will be tolerated. Sounds like you and DH aren't on the same page and she knows it and plays you against each other. That is why she is good in school. She knows the rules and consequences there and knows what they will expect and tolerate and acts accordingly, probably with others also.

Kids are smart. I also firmly believe kids will live up to what you expect if they know for sure what it is.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Stop bribing for good behavior. Good behavior is expected. It is not just something nice for her to do. When she starts misbehaving tell her quietly that ahe better straighten up or she will be leaving and there will be a punishment. THEN FOLLOW THROUGH! Don't let her sweet talk you with promises of bring good. Remove her and then take something away that is important for a time period. Good luck.

 

[HLAuburn]

Thanks for the quick replies!

My post was getting long, so I left out a lot of the details. Basically, after he bribed her to leave, she came back in and sat with me while DH walked in the halls with baby. She started the same stuff with me ("I can't hear, let's talk..."), and I gave her a warning and when she continued, I walked out! She followed, crying and begging the whole way. When we got in the car and she calmed down is when the whole "surprise" deal came out.

You are right when you say we aren't on the same page. So how do we get there?? I don't want to seem like I know all the answers, b/c I definitely DON'T, but we at least need to have some consistency on how we do things.

Thanks again...

 

[CajunMomof3]

Another approach is to reinforce good behavior. Use a sticker chart and when she has acceptable behavior, give her a sticker. After she earns, say, 10 stickers then she gets a surprise. This allows you to set limits to her behavior while utilizing some of dad's techniques as well.

 

[doxdogy]

Same with my daughter when she was younger. If she was promised a surprise, she knew it would not be a good one. As another poster stated you both need to be on the same page.

so what was her punishment for throwing a tantrum at school? Wow my kids know they would be dead if they ever pulled that on me. Public behavior is top on the list.
You have to be swift and consistent when she doesn't behave how you want. and all actions must have a consequence. Misbehave in public is a swift removal from the area and a consequence. everytime.
She has to know what you expect and what will be tolerated. Sounds like you and DH aren't on the same page and she knows it and plays you against each other. That is why she is good in school. She knows the rules and consequences there and knows what they will expect and tolerate and acts accordingly, probably with others also.

Kids are smart. I also firmly believe kids will live up to what you expect if they know for sure what it is.

 

[mamacatnv]

I know you said no books but I highly suggest the "Strong Willed Child" and "Dare to Disciple" by Dr. James Dobson. They are Christian based, however they have lots and lots of suggestions, scenarios etc and you do not need to believe in the theology to use the techniques. It has been around a long time, I used it when DS was young and he is almost 21.

As for you and DH you need a game plan. You two need to discuss how you as a team can tackle DD and her issues. If she is clearly playing one of you then you need to change your tactics. A united front IMO is one of the best discipline techniques out there. Let me add, if one of you says or does something that the other does not agree with, zip your lip until you can discuss it in private. It takes practice to be on the same page in how you handle your child and you will both make mistakes. The one thing you do not want is for your DD to see a weak spot in the armour, little darlings will zoom right in on that and use it to their advantage.

Good luck!

 

[superme80]

You and DH need to sit down and discuss what you expect from DD and how to handle problems. After you agree on discipline, sit DD down and explain what is expected. Then be quick and follow through when there is a problem. My parents were great with this when my sister and I were young, but it kind of dwindled off when we were older, so we abused the situation a lot.

 

[shortbun]

Some day these problems will seem small. When she's behaving this way, remove her and ask her what's the problem. Listen to her complaint and if there is a solution, help her with it. If there is no solution, explain that too. Children treated with respect and encouraged to communicate usually reciprocate. Advise your husband that fires are not contained by throwing fuel on them. Encourage him to give himself a 'Daddy time out' if he's unable to control his temper or resist rewarding bad behavior.

 

[Wishing on a star]

A new baby??????
B I N G O !!!!!!!!
That, and being 6 years old, now in K or First... possibly demanding for her at at school.... Being overwhelmed/stressed/etc. is a sure recipe for easy 'meltdowns'.

Here are my thoughts.
You are halfway there, because your husband does see your point, and agree that there might be better methods!!!

1. Yes, get on the same page with your DH.... I agree that for many men/fathers a book might not be the way to go. I would think things thru. Come up with a list of like 5 or 10 common examples where she might need discipline along with the best discipline that is effective and fits the level of the crime. ( This list should be easy enough for him to pick up on and 'agree' to, right...) And then, both of you really commit to this.

2. I am NOT saying to go easy on discipline... I just want to say that when I mentioned the first two factors above, they are not excuses. But, it always pays to understand where these things might be coming from. It always pays to show some understanding, even when applying strong discipline.

3. I would bet that your daughter, at this age, is wanting attention, approval, and yes, discipline. (any attention, positive or negative, is valid attention) Use these things to your advantage... Always leave an option open for her to earn your approval and positive reinforcement. The old phrase "Catch them being good" comes to mind.

Parenting isn't for sissys!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Some day these problems will seem small. When she's behaving this way, remove her and ask her what's the problem. Listen to her complaint and if there is a solution, help her with it. If there is no solution, explain that too. Children treated with respect and encouraged to communicate usually reciprocate.

Excellent post!

(unless she has melted down into the embodiment of a 3 year old pre-schooler.... Don't try to rationalize with a preschooler, they will ALWAYS win!!!!)

 

[HLAuburn]

A new baby??????
B I N G O !!!!!!!!
That, and being 6 years old, now in K or First... possibly demanding for her at at school.... Being overwhelmed/stressed/etc. is a sure recipe for easy 'meltdowns'.

Here are my thoughts.
You are halfway there, because your husband does see your point, and agree that there might be better methods!!!

1. Yes, get on the same page with your DH.... I agree that for many men/fathers a book might not be the way to go. I would think things thru. Come up with a list of like 5 or 10 common examples where she might need discipline along with the best discipline that is effective and fits the level of the crime. ( This list should be easy enough for him to pick up on and 'agree' to, right...) And then, both of you really commit to this.

2. I am NOT saying to go easy on discipline... I just want to say that when I mentioned the first two factors above, they are not excuses. But, it always pays to understand where these things might be coming from. It always pays to show some understanding, even when applying strong discipline.

3. I would bet that your daughter, at this age, is wanting attention, approval, and yes, discipline. (any attention, positive or negative, is valid attention) Use these things to your advantage... Always leave an option open for her to earn your approval and positive reinforcement. The old phrase "Catch them being good" comes to mind.

Parenting isn't for sissys!!!

Thank you all again for the responses! You guys are awesome!

The "baby" is actually 20 months old, so she's had a while to get used to her being around!

However, we did just move from Mississippi to Florida. I've read that a move can me one of the most stressful events in a family's life. So while it might seem new and fun and exciting, maybe it's stressful for her too...I know it is for me. We are just starting to fall into a routine with school, so working out the kinks with bedtime, waking up, getting ready etc will help a lot, I think.


I agree that the key is for DH and I to be on the same page. Wishing on a star, your suggestions were really helpful. Thanks!

 

[tonilea]

Men get "training exercises". Can you go through some possible scenarios and both agree on what the "standard operating proceedure" should be in that instance?

 

[Anne MN]

Men get "training exercises". Can you go through some possible scenarios and both agree on what the "standard operating proceedure" should be in that instance?

kids should come with a "FM" (field manual)or one of my personal favorites- "If the Army wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one!"
sorry- that just made me laugh!

 

[zoemurr]

but when my son was younger he kept pitching fits and nothing was helping. Finally one day I went and grabbed the video camera and taped it. I had him watch it and asked him who I should show it to. He was pretty horrified. After that if something started I would just say, "Oh wait, I have to get the camera" and he would immediately calm down, and we could work out the problem.

 

[doxdogy]

My child psychology professor advocated trying that tactic eons ago. Since this was the days before video camera's, he suggested acting it out for them.

but when my son was younger he kept pitching fits and nothing was helping. Finally one day I went and grabbed the video camera and taped it. I had him watch it and asked him who I should show it to. He was pretty horrified. After that if something started I would just say, "Oh wait, I have to get the camera" and he would immediately calm down, and we could work out the problem.