Disagreement with DH, Opinions Please

[Lynn CC]

We are invited to my neice and nephews BDay Party every year. We stopped having "family" parties for DS when he was around 10. He does something with his friends instead...bowling, movies, pool party etc...
My neice is turning 22 and nephew 17.
My brother still has parties at a restaurant every year for the whole family, he pays the bill.
My DH is sick of giving them gifts for their B'Day because they don't even send our son a card. When he asked my brother why he said well, we wern't invited to a party for him.
That didn't set well with DH and he hasn't gone to their B'day parties for atleast 6 years.
He doesn't like to give them a nice gift either, I say get over it and get them a very meaningful gift that I know they will like.
Just thought someone may have some suggestions on the situation. Am I not seeing DH's side? He's usually a VERY generous man and doesn't expect anything in return, but in this situation I just can't understand why he feels this way.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I see both sides. They ARE your Neice and Nephew, but at the same time they are 22 and 17! Do they expect you to bring a gift? Maybe just bring a card and send a Thank You note for the party. If your DB can't take the time to even send a card that is very rude.

Or make a donation in their name. See how they react to that.

 

[Ranatra]

In my family we quit having family birthday parties for the kids when they got to first grade. There are just too many nieces and nephews. We all agreed to do this. From then on, we had kid birthday parties.
I can understand your DH not wanting to purchase these Birthday presents every year. They're a little bit old for that aren't they? I'm curious as to why the parents keep up this tradition.

 

[Cruisin]

I guess that every family makes their own traditions and if this is how this particular family chooses to celebrate it is up to them.

It is up to you and your family if you choose to participate in this tradition, even if it is not the same tradition that your family has chosen.

If you want to start scaling back on the amount spent on the gifts then I say go ahead. If they don't like it then I guess that next year they will start a new tradition of not inviting you!!

I say go and enjoy it, if it is offered to you. Life is too short, have fun.

 

[believe]

I give gifts because I want to, not because someone bought my child a gift. I don't agree with your brother's thought of you have to have a party to get a gift, but to each his own.

Once the girls are 5 they have a friends party. We do have ice cream cake at home on their actual birthday and anyone can come, but it isn't a party. Some still give gifts and some don't. It doesn't bother me, I still give their kids a small gift and probably will till they are 18.

 

[elmosmom]

Gift giving is such a problem sometimes. My husband's side has 3 kids so we bought 6 gifts each--during the year--b.d and Xmas. We have one son so they bought 2 gifts per year. Now the kids are adults and having kids of their own. When do gifts stop? I quit giving after the wedding.
My sister quit gifting when they turn 21. My side is a larger family and it sure adds up. If we could start again I would suggest everyone drawing names, young and old.
It sure is not fair to your son, they should give him a gift, party or not. At 17 and 22 yrs old the dinner should be just the immediate family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

His brother acts in a hurtful way to him by not acknowledging your children. The brother stated that he had to pay for a party to get attention for a birthday. Imagine someone like your mother or father saying that YOU had to have a party for her grandchild in order for your kid to get a "Happy Birthday" card or gift I would be pissed too.

So it is kind of similiar because it is siblings and that old rivarly comes into play.

It isn't about the gift it is the manner he treats your family.

 

[Wishing on a star]

17, and 21....

I say it is up to your husband how he wishes to handle it.

And, heck, if the brother is having these Birthday Parties just hoping that his two kids make out like bandits... (Which seems apparant.... 'Have a party-get gifts' ) Then with all the $$$ he is shelling out for the birthday dinners, he should just gift his kids a nice chunk of change, savings, whatever, for their birthdays... Sounds like the brother is wanting everybody else to provide what HE is wanting for his kids! That is just not how it works, and is setting up all the frustation. To me it is a lot to ask for everyone to automatically be 'expected' to come up for the time and money for these things. Gifts and celebrations should be given freely and with cheer by the giver. Not 'expected' by the recievers.

It is your DH family. He should freely decide how to handle it. You have given your bit of input. And that is about all you can or should do. You know... "Give me the the strength to change the things I can, accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference'!

 

[TigH]

That's a toughie, Lynn. Why would your husband want to punish your neice and nephew by getting them a not-so-nice gift when it's your brother who is being a hard head (when it comes to sending your son a gift or card)?

I think if you are close to them and you love them alot then you should get them whatever you think is appropriate, regardless of what your brother does or doesn't send to your son.

We have some cousins that we are very close to and we love them like we'd love a little brother or sister, so we send them a gift every birthday and Christmas. They don't send us a gift in return, but their parents do. We also have lots of other cousins that we just exchange cards with, and that's only for Christmas.

When it comes to my parents and my siblings, I take the responsibility to send them a card or gift when it's appropriate. When it comes to my husband's side of the family, it's his responsibility to do the same. We usually remember his folks for their birthday and anniversary, but I can't tell you the last time he remembered to send his brothers or sister a card!

 

[Keli]

I usually attend any birthday parties I am invited to. I don't ever think about it being a way to get gifts for the kids. That doesn't usually make sense because parties cost quite a bit. Even if it's at a resturant like your neice and nephew's parties it costs your brother a fair amount to pick up the tab. For what he's spending on the dinner he could just buy the kid something nice, that's why I don't think people do it for the gifts. But most of all I want my neices and nephews to have memories of me being at their parties and other special times. I want them to feel my love for them. My advice would be to keep doing what you are doing. You're building relationships, that's a lot bigger deal than playing tit for tat with your brother.

 

[Alice28]

Unfortunately, this has become a painful issue in our family as well. Sigh.

I think a previous poster may have been right and there a deep running feelings/emotions running between the siblings- maybe your brother in law has often acted self-centered and your DH has had the last straw. Yes, it's unfortunate that your niece and nephew aren't receiving a gift from their uncle, but your son isn't receiving a gift from HIS uncle either.

I think it would be perfectly appropriate to decline the party invitation and yet still send a thoughtful card, maybe with a modest gift card enclosed ($20 for a CD or something). 17 & 22 is awfully old to still be having big family parties where everyone is expected to bring gifts.

 

[Pop Daddy]

I ddint read, long post but I agree with your husband

 

[Lynn CC]

Actually my brother doesn't have the parties for the kids to get gifts, it's just that everyone that goes feels obligated to bring a B'Day Gift. He just likes to see everyone together as often as he can and it's a tradition with him. It's usually at a really nice place with a nice meal.
I've gone to most of them over the years with and without DH...
I feel badly when I don't go, so I'm going.

It's not that I want them to give DS a gift, but just acknowledge his "special" day with a card or a phone call!! Make him feel that they remembered, for once.

They don't even send thank you notes,
My neice got married last June, DS was an usher in their wedding and we gave a significant $$ gift. We haven't received a Thank You note as of this date A couple of other people in the family have asked me if I got a Thank You from them. I hadn't really thought about it until it was brought to my attention.

Oh, Well enough complaining. I'll go drive over an hour to get to the party Sunday with DS while DH stays home and watches football..Everyone will be happy, although I'll miss DH

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh... looks like I was mistaken on who's brother this is about!!! My thoughts are the same.... If it is your brother and his kids, then it should probably be your decision! Though I can certainly understand your Husbands viewpoint!

Sounds like you have a good plan set...

 

[Lewski709]

I would go to the function and bring a card. It's nice that he pays for the meal and enjoys the family. Sounds like it is more for him, but he incorporates the BD's to make them feel special. At those ages, gifts aren't required.

As for them not sending a card or anything for your child.....that's the way they are so, don't expect a change.

Some people are offended by parties (having to go) and some people are offended if you don't have one (like, you really did but didn't invite them).

I stopped having a family party after my DS turned two when over half his local relatives did not show.

2004, he will be 5 and I will have a kids party for him. My other DS, I will have a 1st bday party (everyone) and then he won't have another party until age 5.

I will and have done a cake and immediate family party for them every year....just not something bigger until age 5.

 

[tlgoblue]

Originally posted by Lynn CC

They don't even send thank you notes,
My neice got married last June, DS was an usher in their wedding and we gave a significant $$ gift. We haven't received a Thank You note as of this date A couple of other people in the family have asked me if I got a Thank You from them. I hadn't really thought about it until it was brought to my attention.

It is too bad that manners have little place in our busy world. (I am an offender myself. ) I really don't mind though, as long as I know the person received the gift. If I don't, I don't feel it's rude to ask, "oh, by the way, did you receive such and such?"

I guess the important thing is, despite his apparent rudeness, he does seem to enjoy having everyone together, and that is more important than decorum, IMO. If you enjoy yourself, go. If DH has a problem with the gift giving part, the a card would do fine. I'll bet that your nephew won't care, one way or the other. My kids are 13 and 10. Sometimes they receive gifts from aunts, uncles, etc, and sometimes not. They have never once said to me "Mom why didn't I get a present form so and so?" (I think we parents take it on the chin if we suspect out kids have been slighted, especially if we give so much to others.)

If DH can't get his mind around it, then it should be his descision to attend or not. If it were me, I'd MAKE him go and we would all wind up having a good time, despite his grumpiness. But that's just the way DH and I are. We don't hold grudges, we do what we can when we can and we don't expect anything from anybody and we don't beat ourselves up if we can't do something. Enjoy what you can in life, and don't be shackled by petty issues. I'm sure your family would be happy just to be together.

Keep the Faith!
Tracy

 

[MICKEY88]

I give gifts to those I Love with no expectation of a return gift...

It's wrong to punish the children {regardless of age}, for a disagreement among the adults..

My daughter, step daughter and step son..and my nieces and nephew are all very close....and it feels really good whenever they are together looking like best of friends..

your son may be hurt because of his uncle's actions, and also your husband,,

but I vote for taking the high road and setting a good example for your son..teach him to give lovingly with no strings attached{expectation of return gift} your son and his cousins will be better people because of the example You set...

 

[Lynn CC]

I do plan to go to the party Sunday and decided to give them each $25 in a card instead of a single movie ticket as DH suggested. I'll tell him when I'm just about to leave, so I won't have to listen to him LOL
I sure wish he would come with us.
DS doesn't expect anything from them, he just wishes his "best friend in the World" cousin who is just 6 mo. older than he would acknowledge his day.
When he was down last summer he felt bad that he missed DS's B'Day and bought him some collector cards at the Mall. Then I feel bad because he used his money
On the brighter side it will be great to see everyone, which is why I'm going.
Thanks for listening everyone!