Difficult relationship w mother

[lovinpoohbear]

I don't normally post dilemmas like this .. However, I'd like to get some opinions -honest opinions.
I'm nearly 40 years old, have always had somewhat of a bumpy relationship w my mom.
In recent years, she has gotten much worse.
I'm happily married with three children.
She doesn't mind her business about anything at all. I try to distance myself from her as much as I can.
She's constantly negative and just miserable in general.
She has NO friends whatsoever in her life.
When I try to put her in her place, politely that is, she gets into my face and screams that she wishes "bad karma" on me and my family.
Recently, she is furious because my husband bought a motorcycle. Which is none of her business.
She snoops through our mail if it's on the counter.
She wants to know how much money my husbands business makes and how much saved is in our bank accounts.
She's a control freak; a miserable one that is.
My husband has had it a long time ago.
He thinks we should start spending family holidays alone and go to Disney.
I, being me, know I would feel guilty not including my mom.
And leaving her alone.
My husband states we have been married 18 years and he refuses to spend another holiday listening to her being miserable and making others unhappy.
Anyone been through similar situation?

 

[jacknsally19]

I don't but my DH does.... He wrote a long letter to his father and stated his complaints and then didn't speak to him for a few years. The break seemed to make a big difference.... DH's father really backed off and doesn't start petty arguements.

I will say that parents are important but your highest priority is your immediate family. Tell your mom that her behavior is unacceptable and then cut her off when she doesn't change. If you need moral support, I would consider seeing a therapist.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Do you have any siblings you can pawn her off on?

Seriously though, your husband deserves a pleasant holiday once in a while too. Maybe going to Disney for the holidays for one year isn't a bad idea. Your kids might like a stress-free holiday too.

 

[lovinpoohbear]

My brother has nothing to do with her and lives out of state.
Frankly, she has burned her bridges with most of our extended family.
I have DVC booked for this upcoming Thanksgiving.

 

[HopperFan]

I don't normally post dilemmas like this .. However, I'd like to get some opinions -honest opinions.
I'm happily married with three children........
When I try to put her in her place, politely that is, she gets into my face and screams that she wishes "bad karma" on me and my family.
Recently, she is furious because my husband bought a motorcycle. Which is none of her business.
She snoops through our mail if it's on the counter.
She wants to know how much money my husbands business makes and how much saved is in our bank accounts.
She's a control freak; a miserable one that is.
My husband has had it a long time ago.
He thinks we should start spending family holidays alone and go to Disney.
I, being me, know I would feel guilty not including my mom.
And leaving her alone.
My husband states we have been married 18 years and he refuses to spend another holiday listening to her being miserable and making others unhappy.
Anyone been through similar situation?

While most of what you are saying is inexcusable and intolerable I think the line I bolded says it all. A mother who would do this to their child & child's family without provocation ...... is toxic. You and your DH are adults, she obviously has hurt you and your husband has had enough. What you didn't mention was your children. I promise you they pick up on all and see all. They might not say anything because of course they want to love and respect Grandma, but inside they have totally different feelings. You accepting your Mother's behavior is not a good message for the children. I totally get she's your Mom but your laundry list says you need to take your brother's lead for the mental health of your family.

While my situation is not exactly the same I'll just briefly say that parent dynamics and their illness has brought out actions in other family members that I found toxic to me. My children were very cognizant of their behaviors and expressed their not wanting to spend time with them. It is SO HARD but I tell you, not having some folks in our lives that were basically intertwined on almost a daily basis has been a million pounds off the shoulders. Life is so much better. The stress it brought between DH & I is gone because they are gone. Scary and hard, but has been a great decision. I have a family member that cut off his mother, she was so toxic, and he said he had to protect his children. They lived within miles but he told her, she was not to be around his kids.

You can choose your family by choosing to not include toxic in your daily life. For the health and benefit of you, your DH and your children I suggest you begin to eliminate this stress. If she has a key, change the locks, screen your calls, meet her for lunch or dinner rather than have her over in hopes her behavior out will be more positive out than behind closed doors. When she comes over make sure all mail and personal stuff is in a bedroom with the door locked. Plan your holidays away as your DH suggested, tell her you are starting some new traditions with your family. Maybe in time she will realize and maybe she will change ... but I don't think that is going to happen. Your family will continue to be the target of her behavior. It's hard, really hard, but you must think about YOUR family and what is best for you all.

I wish you good luck.

 

[Alesia]

Why do you care more about your mother than you do about your husband and your children (or yourself, for that matter?) Why do you continue to cater to someone who clearly has no respect for you?

 

[lovinpoohbear]

I don't care about my mother more than my own family.
And your right; clearly she doesn't have any respect for anyone especially me.
She thinks she is "above" everyone in general; that she is "better" than the general public.
I know that my husband is right and I know that I am correct in feeling the way that I feel.
She will put a tremendous "guilt trip" on me if we do further alienate ourselves from her.
I have thought from time to time to completely estrange myself from her.
It wouldn't surprise me if she had a combination of different psychiatric diagnoses.
Bipolar is one of them I think. She goes from being super nice to being very nasty in a matter of moments

 

[bianca]

Sounds like the relationship I had with my mother. We did exactly what you mentioned and started going to WDW every Christmas. It was so much easier just removing ourselves from the situation. It may seem like a cop out to others, but our family survived. She has ling since passed away and I have no regrets about how things were handled. Our only regret was not doing it sooner. You can't change her, only how you react to her.

 

[DVCjj]

I lived your life. Your mother will never get better and will put a wedge between you and your husband.
I'm married 51 years and my mother was the cause of constant grief and stress and almost divorce numerous times. I ended up in the ER on IV's trying to bring down blood pressure more times than I care to relate. You will not change her. She is still your mother and we are told to honor our father and mother but she is toxic and you cannot allow her to ruin your life.

Feel sorry for her because she is so miserable and for the life she could have had but, take it from me, it is 100% impossible to change her or even help her to see that change is necessary. So many people and my faith told me to look upon her as being mentally handicapped but it was so difficult and took me years and years to accept that and forgive her for the emotional scars she left in the aftermath.

Go away for the Holidays or spend them with your husband and children. Make peace and quiet and wonderful memories your absolute priority. That is the best legacy you can leave your children.

Please be happy.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Your story sounds similar to mine. You just have to distance yourself. Yes the guilt will come. Ignore it. It's her way of getting in your head and it works. Quit letting it work. I am also pushing 40 and it's amazing how mothers can still treat us like little children. Time to grow up. Let her throw her tantrum. Cry it out...whatever. You deserve happiness and so does your family.

 

[chris31997]

It won't be easy. But give your husband and kids the break they need. You may find the break is what she needs to either snap her back in line or give you the courage to completely cut ties with her.

Good luck

 

[Alesia]

Please understand that I know what you're going through. My father was exactly the same.

1. I don't care about my mother more than my own family.
2. And your right; clearly she doesn't have any respect for anyone especially me.
3. She thinks she is "above" everyone in general; that she is "better" than the general public.
4. I know that my husband is right and I know that I am correct in feeling the way that I feel.
5. She will put a tremendous "guilt trip" on me if we do further alienate ourselves from her.
6. I have thought from time to time to completely estrange myself from her.
7. It wouldn't surprise me if she had a combination of different psychiatric diagnoses.
Bipolar is one of them I think. She goes from being super nice to being very nasty in a matter of moments

1. Then why are you subjecting them to her insanity? That's not how you show someone that you value them. Have you thought about the effect of allowing your children to see their mother being emotionally abused? Trust me, it's horrible.
2. And that's something that is never going to change.
3. Yep. I know all too well how that goes...
4. Yes and yes.
5. So? She can only manipulate you if you allow it.
6. That might be the smart thing to do.
7. Probably. And there is nothing you can do to fix her. She could get help, but she won't. Even if she sought treatment, she would decide that the doctors are stupid and they don't know what they're talking about. You cannot fix her. Nothing you ever say or do will make her better or worse. You have got to start putting your husband and children, and yourself first.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I am just giving you my MHO, first you are married to your husband not your mother. Even with parents there are boundaries. And you need to let her know you are going to draw them and keep them. And if she can't abide by them. You did not mention if she lives with you. But if she does then she has to abide or move somewhere else. Now it does not mean you hate mom, or even disrespect her. You are just learning to cleave to your husband and not her. Sometimes you may need to cut down on how much time you visit with her. And I would not volunteer any info about what you and your husband do.

The way to do some boundaries, when she starts yelling, you politely let her know she stops yelling or you walk away. And if she insists on what you and your husband are doing let her know it is none of her business. And if she can't stop you say you will leave and not discuss your business with her. But she needs to see your serious. I hope you can resolve it with your mom. Moms are special people in our lives no matter what.

 

[NKHarris329]

I agree with Alesia. You are putting her above your family. Your husband is fed up with her behaviour, and has asked to have a peaceful holiday without her. You are more worried about leaving your mother alone than giving him (and the rest of your family) peace.

I have been in your shoes. I had the controlling and manipulating mother. I cut her out of my life and am much happier for it.

 

[Baklava]

I went through something similar. The second Christmas that I left my mother's home in tears my husband put his foot down. He won't tell me what I can do but he was adamant that if I chose to go the next year it would be without him or our son- that he could not put the kid through that again.

He was right and I needed him to set that boundary. Your husband has given you a gift. Your mother is a grown woman and can make her own holiday plans. You are not required to do this every year.

 

[Pesky]

Let me preface it with I get along with both my mom and my MIL pretty well. No where NEAR the obnoxious and disrespectful issues you have listed. But even with them, we have drawn the line and go on family vacations with just the 4 of us. It's important to have that time as a family. We do still see them on some vacations (usually family reunions) and holidays but I feel no obligations to haul them with everywhere we go. I think your DH is right. A blood bond is not a do-or-die obligation to spend time with a toxic person.

 

[SandyinMonterey]

I don't have personal experience with this, but my best friend does. Her mother has treated her badly all her life. From a large family, always treated my best friend like the black sheep of the family. Never a compliment or kind word. When it came time for my best friend to get married, her mother refused to go to the wedding. Her now husband was married once before many, many years ago and never received an annulment. In her mothers eye's, that was very wrong. Her mother told her other children not to attend, some did, some didn't. Shortly after that, she cut ties with her Mom. Still speaks to her father and other siblings though some give her a hard time. It has been almost 15 years and she said she has a lot less stress in her life and never regrets her decision.

 

[DisneyOma]

OP, you didn't pick to have her as your mother. You really don't "owe" her anything. Parents choose to have children, we don't get to choose our parents! We just hope they raise us the right way so we can be responsible, productive, and independent.

You did pick your husband though, so you owe him that quiet holiday. Enjoy it

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

I can't relate to this dilemma at all. However, if you have such a bad relationship, why is she in your house and how does she know what you are buying?

You need to set boundaries, ASAP. If mom can't behave, then you won't see her. Your mom sounds as if she is very unhappy and depressed. Maybe you can get her to see a therapist. It might be useful for you as well, to help you with strategies to deal with her.

 

[piccolopat]

My MIL was very good to us. We traveled together occasionally until FIL died. From that point on she almost always came with us until she died. We didn't realize how much we missed out on travel time with just and our DD until she was gone and we had few problems traveling with her. My advice is if she makes you or your family miserable, leave her home. Enjoy time with your family and bring her home something nice.