Difficult dining with dear relatives. (Rant)

[KelNottAt]

Recently I spent a week with DSIL, BIL, and their twin DD4.

Now the mystery is solved. I know why the girls are the way the are: whiny, demanding, and exhausting. Generally speaking, their parents impose no discipline. None. I have several examples, but let me just zero-in on mealtimes.

The twins get to have whatever they want for every meal. They have to eat breakfast stuff at breakfast time, dinner food at dinner time, but those are the extents of their limitations. And if one asks for Frosted Flakes, takes a bite and changes her mind to the waffles DS has, she gets to turn in her FF for a plate of waffles. Or, as happened on one morning, she exchanged her cereal for eggs...and we didn't even have eggs in the house. She sent BIL to the store right then and there so her little darling could have eggs. No kidding. This really happened.

Then there's dinner. They get whatever they want. While my family, SIL, and BIL sit down to a nice balanced meal (e.g., ham, mashed potatoes, peas, and salad), DNs get pasta, butter and parmesan cheese. That's it. For 6 nights. No veggies.

Here's the tip of the iceberg on manners: My kids must sit on their butts when at the table. The twins kneel, sit, stand, and rock in their chairs. My kids aren't allowed to bring toys or books to the table. DNiece brought her stuffed animal to lunch and my DD9 mentioned "Oh, no, Sammy, we're not allowed to bring toys to the table at our house." DSIL snapped "It may be your house, but she's my daughter. She can keep it."

Boy, was I glad to see them go. Am I overreacting? Is there a parenting philosphy out there that I missed? What's to be gained by my IL's methods, if anything?

Thanks for listening.
Kelley

 

[Lisa L from MI]

I hate to say it but it sounds just like me!! My friends and family would yell at me when I would make the hits 800 different things for meal (not 800.....I just always use that number)...especially when they were really young (they are 8 and 10 now)....but I would give one a hot dog...she would eat a little then say she wants nuggets, I would make them.......and she would usually end up with about 5 different plates around her!!!!

I know....thats bad.....and to this day...if they want something other than what we have for meals....I will make what they want.

No wonder they walk all over me!!!!

 

[Aurora63]

No, you're not overreacting. That's just ridiculous

The Mom was very disrespectful of you. For one, undermining your house rules in front of kids, and two, just plain ignoring your rules. I would have a hard time ever inviting them back.

 

[clh2]

After 3 days they start to smell!

It is no fun being with houseguests that have a different set of priorities than you do. I feelbad for your nieces - 6 days outside of their normal routine is very hard on little ones. Even if they were staying at a hotel, this would allow them time for just their own family to chill out, maybe take an occasional nap etc.

My BIL and SIL stayed at our house several years ago for 10 days. I told my husband to really think twice before he invites them overnight again. I would go to a hotel with our daughter.

 

[Beth76]

Well, they are the ones who are going to have an awful time raising bratty children. I do feel sorry for the girls too. They're going to have a rough time when they realize they can't always get what they want. Although, it might be a long while before they do. Just be glad they're gone and don't live near you.

 

[Jasminesmommy]

I am bad like that too. My son is hard to get to eat.he is 4. So skinny you would think I starve him so gets whatever he wants food wise whenever he wants it.
Now about your sister inlaw saying that at YOUR house I would jump all over her and tell her it is YOUR house and YOUR rules and if she don't like it she can go eat elsewhere and then take the toy away.

 

[shortbun]

Yes-different families have different parenting philosophies-hard
to believe isn't it!? Except for the going to the store part, your
in-laws sound like me. I don't believe dinner time for little ones
should be stressfull. I also think kids need to learn manners
at the table for special meals but when at dear aunties, they
should be able to relax and enjoy. My DS, 8yo, can sit at a table
with the best of manners but our family mealtime was/is never
full of rules nor required sitting. My only rule-no TV at the table.
Even that gets broken on occassion. The dinner table is a family
time where toys, games, lively discussion and even dancing sometimes ensue!!!! LOL- don't come to dinner at my house,
you would not like it!
P.S. We always have veggies on the table, there are no rules
about what to eat. We serve dessert simutaneously with the
rest of the meal. The veggies are usually gone and the dessert
sometimes goes untouched.

 

[CEDmom]

I certainly wouldn't be inviting them back any time soon if I were you. What your BIL and SIL want to do with regard to raising their children is their business. I agree with you that they're probably going to be in for a difficult time down the road setting limits etc. The thing I have the biggest problem with is them not respecting your rules. I think that is just a basic common curtesy.

We have 1 DD and it would be very easy to let her have what she wants/do what she wants but in the long run we know that's not doing her or us any favors. It tough being a parent somethings and we can't always be popular. We do like to give her choices such as would you like oatmeal or waffles for breakfast but until I start printing a menu and charging for meals she'll eat what's offered.

 

[deedee67]

Boy, your nieces sound a lot like my nieces. I have only one sister so our families tend to spend every holiday and special occasion together. My nieces, 3 and 5, can make every meal a very unpleasant experience. They eat nothing but plain pasta or a peanut butter sandwich (never any meat, veggie, fruit, etc). They are, by the way very small ~ even stunted looking. That isn't what bothers me. I really don't care what they eat. When they come to my house my sister brings a little tupperware container of pasta for them. What makes it so unpleasant is their lack of table manners. They eat with their fingers, they look at what everyone else is eating and say Yuck!, and they whine and cry during the meal because basically they are bored. Then my sister, who never imposes any limitations, suddenly wants them to behave themselves so she starts to yell at them to sit nicely. It has reached the point where my family would rather just avoid them for holidays. I'm hoping they will outgrow it but I know it will take a long time.

 

[Nutsy]

Only got one thing to say.........

In your house, your house rules apply, in their house it's their rules.

They (meaning all) need to learn some respect for others & to respect the rules of other people when in their homes.