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- Jan 19, 2006
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Day 3 - "Tampon Tirade"
So here is the official last installment of Universal Day. I will be sad when she is finally over but for goodness sake, how long can one drag out a single day?
I mean it gets to be like my ex- MIL talking about her menopause hot flashes. LOOOONG stories about sweaty places never seen by man or beast. Undiscovered territories of far reaching crevices and cracks that are best left undiscovered.
Things National Geographic gets the eebie geebies about.
That my amigos are horrifying tales of epic proportions and thus my need to finally finish this day.
After departing in a calm and orderly like fashion as instructed, out of Fear Factor Live, we meandered towards the ever popularly touted, Simpsons ride.
- Carsyn took this pic of Dan and I and the boys.
- Carsyn and I and a stranger we asked to pose with us.
This was a great hype for what after; I considered being a mediocre ride. The best part is the queuing area which is made to resemble a carnival house. Bright colors and goofy posters entertained you as you walked the maze to walk inside.
Once you enter your capsule that is nothing more than a simulator ride that has been around for years, you depart the world as you know it for Barts world. Great graphics and the motion is synched perfectly but so is Honey I Shrunk the Audience and the roller coaster design ride at Disney Quest.
We got off and were looking at each other like what was the big deal? Baylor with his access pass could have done the ride again with little wait and none of us could be bothered with it. That speaks volumes IMO.
Next up was the Men in Black ride. I chose not to go on. I get motion sickness often and I had pushed it with the Simpsons ride. So I sat outside and waited for the others holding the entire garb.
The longest sidebar in the history of Elizabeth Taylors love life:
One thing I will compliment Universal parks on is the fact that they have lockers to rent for the time you need to ditch your bags outside of certain rides. It helps those of us past the baby stroller stage in wondering what to do with our hobo gear and wondering if Skippy the ride attendant will really watch your Louis Vuitton bag with $2,000 in it and your grandma Ethels china while he pushes the big green button and red button during his work regiment.
Now you may think I am being a smart mouth about Skippy. Cutting down the working man. Chastising his competency.
Well you would be right.
At Universal.
Because what happened next was a reality check on who is manning the rides.
As I sat, peacefully contemplating the cause and effect of g-force against a weak stomach, a woman in a moto scooter slammed into my shin. Like she was a cop sliding into park right before they got out, chasing down on foot, a bad guy.
Then DWI Dorothy, decides to back up and ram forward again, trying to parallel park her 400 pound caboose between the bench I was sitting on and a garbage can.
Why you ask?
Because she did not want to move as she threw her purse contents away which included, a moldy, tuna fish sandwich, a half drunk curdled bottle of O-jay (why would tuna and O-jay not go together?) and various pills and belly button fuzz that had begun to multiply in the bottom of her satchel.
With her one, not rotted, snaggle tooth, she smiled and leaned over and said she was sorry for amputating my right leg.
Has anybody seen the movie, A fish called Wanda? If you have you know the English guy that keeps getting run over, beaten etc, by accident.
That was my next 20 minutes.
There was no other place to sit and I felt like if I moved I may hurl.
That and my guilt complex made me stay.
I do not care how overweight you are, how poor you might be or what you deem as etiquette. I am a former social worker who believes in the sanctity and dignity of all human kind.
But I have a limit. I have boundaries. I have standards.
I have a low tolerance for smells and shaved hairs (left on the floor or sink ewww..) and I will not tolerate someone elses feminine hygiene products being tossed about like it were a friggin tic-tac box.
Thats right folks. Dorothy tossed down her un-used tampon (not in a wrapper even) next to me on the bench while looking for her last piece of gum.
For the love of all that is holy. Why me?
Because you know that people passing were thinking we were together. We were of the same race and did not look like the 45 Chinese visitors eating their mushu pork on the other end of the bench.
So here we sat, me, Dorothy and the,pon in a face off like in an old west movie.
(Insert that music that is a whistle with tumbleweeds blowing past please and a bit of dust couldnt hurt either.)
I looked down at it. It stared back, taunting me with its cotton leash of doom.
I blinked hard. Hoping it was a mirage.
No such luck.
It was still there and as it was absorbing the humidity in the Florida air, it was growing unmercifully, refusing to give up.
So I did what any self respecting person would do.
I asked her to move it please because I was highly allergic to cotton and I did not have an Epy pen with me.
She glazed over my jeans and t-shirt and raised her matted eyebrow and then plopped it back in the bowels of he!!, where it belonged.
Right then her husband, came to gather her up and head out. His name was Richie. I knew this because she had told me in a muffled voice as her head was encompassed by her bag. He works at Universal during busy seasons and that is how they came to be there that day. She does not like rides so she just sits and waits for him at every area. She thinks he is sexy and loves wearing his underwear.
Yup found that out too. Just one more nugget to file in the drawer of WTH do people think giving more information than your gyno wants to know about you, to complete strangers.
So that my dear readers, is why I am glad for the lockers. They save me from freaking out that Richie, sans underoos, may be trusted with my belongings when he cant control his wifes blatant misunderstanding of proper pon placement.
- This pic shows the before mentioned bench and garbage can which is now known as pondom.
Dan and the gang came out of their ride and I told them of my scary adventure as they shared their stories of who was the best shooter and who could not aim worth a hoot. We rode Disaster quickly and I am reminded that I liked it much better before. Did they not used to have King Kong in it? Maybe I am dead wrong but it seems to me it was better before.
We now were hungry again so we stopped in Louies Italian Restaurant and got some pizza and Caesar salad on the dining deal. We also bought a gelato which was a waste of money. Not good at all.
Once we were all full, we went to ride the Mummy.
It is my very favorite ride here. It did not disappoint and in fact we did ride this one twice. We had to ask for special seating in the back though as they are made for bigger people. Not just weight wise but Dan at 66 has trouble fitting in some rides. His shoulders are too tall and some with overhead bars cannot buckle and some are so cramped his knees are jammed. He gets to always sit in the front at Space Mountain because even cross legged, he cannot fit in the back of the space mobiles. So if you are tall or have family that is ask and usually there is some seats that accommodate yetis.
After that we hit Twister and it was okay but again, one of those rides that have been around for years and not changed at all. Baylor had watched Twister in the hospital so he liked seeing it with a fresh eye.
Before we left the park, we did Jimmy Neutron and Shrek 4D. I have zero memory of Shrek but thought Jimmy was just a fun light ride.
We then took off for the car and Treyner almost lost the chance to give me grandkids. Again, with him, everything is an obstacle course or race and he went to jump over the parking lot, cement posts that are about 5 feet high. Like do leapfrog over it by pushing off of the top.
- a sample of what I am trying to describe.
Great plan but next time, tie your shoes senior smart one. He lost his footing as his foot came out of his shoe and luckily hugged the post as he fell forward. Everyone in our party was laughing at him and again, people passing were thinking we were sadists. Maybe they are right.
We got back to the condo and cleaned up for the night because we had a dinner date with a group of hotties from the Wish thread.
I have pics from that night and need to figure out how to get them form the computer to Photobucket so I will post that part a bit later!
So here is the official last installment of Universal Day. I will be sad when she is finally over but for goodness sake, how long can one drag out a single day?
I mean it gets to be like my ex- MIL talking about her menopause hot flashes. LOOOONG stories about sweaty places never seen by man or beast. Undiscovered territories of far reaching crevices and cracks that are best left undiscovered.
Things National Geographic gets the eebie geebies about.
That my amigos are horrifying tales of epic proportions and thus my need to finally finish this day.
After departing in a calm and orderly like fashion as instructed, out of Fear Factor Live, we meandered towards the ever popularly touted, Simpsons ride.
This was a great hype for what after; I considered being a mediocre ride. The best part is the queuing area which is made to resemble a carnival house. Bright colors and goofy posters entertained you as you walked the maze to walk inside.
Once you enter your capsule that is nothing more than a simulator ride that has been around for years, you depart the world as you know it for Barts world. Great graphics and the motion is synched perfectly but so is Honey I Shrunk the Audience and the roller coaster design ride at Disney Quest.
We got off and were looking at each other like what was the big deal? Baylor with his access pass could have done the ride again with little wait and none of us could be bothered with it. That speaks volumes IMO.
Next up was the Men in Black ride. I chose not to go on. I get motion sickness often and I had pushed it with the Simpsons ride. So I sat outside and waited for the others holding the entire garb.
The longest sidebar in the history of Elizabeth Taylors love life:
One thing I will compliment Universal parks on is the fact that they have lockers to rent for the time you need to ditch your bags outside of certain rides. It helps those of us past the baby stroller stage in wondering what to do with our hobo gear and wondering if Skippy the ride attendant will really watch your Louis Vuitton bag with $2,000 in it and your grandma Ethels china while he pushes the big green button and red button during his work regiment.
Now you may think I am being a smart mouth about Skippy. Cutting down the working man. Chastising his competency.
Well you would be right.
At Universal.
Because what happened next was a reality check on who is manning the rides.
As I sat, peacefully contemplating the cause and effect of g-force against a weak stomach, a woman in a moto scooter slammed into my shin. Like she was a cop sliding into park right before they got out, chasing down on foot, a bad guy.
Then DWI Dorothy, decides to back up and ram forward again, trying to parallel park her 400 pound caboose between the bench I was sitting on and a garbage can.
Why you ask?
Because she did not want to move as she threw her purse contents away which included, a moldy, tuna fish sandwich, a half drunk curdled bottle of O-jay (why would tuna and O-jay not go together?) and various pills and belly button fuzz that had begun to multiply in the bottom of her satchel.
With her one, not rotted, snaggle tooth, she smiled and leaned over and said she was sorry for amputating my right leg.
Has anybody seen the movie, A fish called Wanda? If you have you know the English guy that keeps getting run over, beaten etc, by accident.
There was no other place to sit and I felt like if I moved I may hurl.
That and my guilt complex made me stay.
I do not care how overweight you are, how poor you might be or what you deem as etiquette. I am a former social worker who believes in the sanctity and dignity of all human kind.
But I have a limit. I have boundaries. I have standards.
I have a low tolerance for smells and shaved hairs (left on the floor or sink ewww..) and I will not tolerate someone elses feminine hygiene products being tossed about like it were a friggin tic-tac box.
Thats right folks. Dorothy tossed down her un-used tampon (not in a wrapper even) next to me on the bench while looking for her last piece of gum.
For the love of all that is holy. Why me?
Because you know that people passing were thinking we were together. We were of the same race and did not look like the 45 Chinese visitors eating their mushu pork on the other end of the bench.
So here we sat, me, Dorothy and the,pon in a face off like in an old west movie.
(Insert that music that is a whistle with tumbleweeds blowing past please and a bit of dust couldnt hurt either.)
I looked down at it. It stared back, taunting me with its cotton leash of doom.
I blinked hard. Hoping it was a mirage.
No such luck.
It was still there and as it was absorbing the humidity in the Florida air, it was growing unmercifully, refusing to give up.
So I did what any self respecting person would do.
I asked her to move it please because I was highly allergic to cotton and I did not have an Epy pen with me.
She glazed over my jeans and t-shirt and raised her matted eyebrow and then plopped it back in the bowels of he!!, where it belonged.
Right then her husband, came to gather her up and head out. His name was Richie. I knew this because she had told me in a muffled voice as her head was encompassed by her bag. He works at Universal during busy seasons and that is how they came to be there that day. She does not like rides so she just sits and waits for him at every area. She thinks he is sexy and loves wearing his underwear.
Yup found that out too. Just one more nugget to file in the drawer of WTH do people think giving more information than your gyno wants to know about you, to complete strangers.
So that my dear readers, is why I am glad for the lockers. They save me from freaking out that Richie, sans underoos, may be trusted with my belongings when he cant control his wifes blatant misunderstanding of proper pon placement.
Dan and the gang came out of their ride and I told them of my scary adventure as they shared their stories of who was the best shooter and who could not aim worth a hoot. We rode Disaster quickly and I am reminded that I liked it much better before. Did they not used to have King Kong in it? Maybe I am dead wrong but it seems to me it was better before.
We now were hungry again so we stopped in Louies Italian Restaurant and got some pizza and Caesar salad on the dining deal. We also bought a gelato which was a waste of money. Not good at all.
Once we were all full, we went to ride the Mummy.
It is my very favorite ride here. It did not disappoint and in fact we did ride this one twice. We had to ask for special seating in the back though as they are made for bigger people. Not just weight wise but Dan at 66 has trouble fitting in some rides. His shoulders are too tall and some with overhead bars cannot buckle and some are so cramped his knees are jammed. He gets to always sit in the front at Space Mountain because even cross legged, he cannot fit in the back of the space mobiles. So if you are tall or have family that is ask and usually there is some seats that accommodate yetis.
After that we hit Twister and it was okay but again, one of those rides that have been around for years and not changed at all. Baylor had watched Twister in the hospital so he liked seeing it with a fresh eye.
Before we left the park, we did Jimmy Neutron and Shrek 4D. I have zero memory of Shrek but thought Jimmy was just a fun light ride.
We then took off for the car and Treyner almost lost the chance to give me grandkids. Again, with him, everything is an obstacle course or race and he went to jump over the parking lot, cement posts that are about 5 feet high. Like do leapfrog over it by pushing off of the top.
Great plan but next time, tie your shoes senior smart one. He lost his footing as his foot came out of his shoe and luckily hugged the post as he fell forward. Everyone in our party was laughing at him and again, people passing were thinking we were sadists. Maybe they are right.
We got back to the condo and cleaned up for the night because we had a dinner date with a group of hotties from the Wish thread.
I have pics from that night and need to figure out how to get them form the computer to Photobucket so I will post that part a bit later!
I think that about says it all. 
