Did I oops?

[Darsa]

So yesterday at our "end of year BBQ" (which usually means we'll only have another dozen or so before we quit using the grill, lol), the subject of Christmas came up. In previous years, the family has picked names and we got a gift for that one person, and everyone got something for the children. This year we discussed having a set $ limit; sister & BIL are down one job due to health, brother and SIL are trying to keep all their utilities on due to the fact that SIL is a... ahem. Anyway, due to finances being tight, we decided that $10 would be the adult limit, and I was firm about everyone sticking to that so that no one would feel badly. My SIL (who spends money she doesn't have) looked a little offended, but frankly I don't care.

The other thing was, brother and SIL's son, who is 20 (not actually brother's son, he was 11 when they married), was included in the name-picking exchange. Apparently SIL took great offense to that, and made it VERY clear. I'm not sure I understand WHY that's offensive; yes he's her son, her child, however he's TWENTY. Not to mention the fact that our numbers were uneven with the loss of my mom, so adding him in made it easier for the name-exchange.

Does this sound like something I should apologize for? I don't think I will (brother and sister were pretty disgusted with SIL as well) but I'm really self-concious, and concerned that I was at fault here...

 

[monkeybug]

She was offended that a 20 year old adult was included in the gift exchange? Does she want him to be included with the children because everyone buys for them? Or is she just upset that he is expected to participate?
In my family once you were 18 you were in the gift exchange, and anyone had the option of not participating.
I don't think you are in the wrong.

 

[SaraJayne]

In DH's family, once you hit 16, you become part of the "adult" exchange.

You did nothing wrong. If he can't come up with $10 between now and then, he's got bigger problems.

 

[ShesAPirate]

In my family, 18 is the cut-off. You join secret santa at that age, no question about it.

 

[erincon23]

We do a "white elephant" exchange for the adults and give gifts to the kids. My DB has two older stepsons -- one will be 22 and one is 19. My older DS is now 18. Last year, DB and DSIL suggested that their two older boys be included in the white elephant because we have so much fun with it. But they were both going to be included in the gifts-to-children portion, so we didn't think it was fair that they got to do both. (more as in fair to the younger children, that is -- since every adult brings one white elephant, the only person that would REALLY affect is my SIL -- you don't think those two would find their own exchange gifts, do you?). We ended up setting up a white elephant just for the kids as well -- but they had to be items they brought from home and nothing new. We gave the big boys a choice -- they could participate in the kids' exchange (with age ranges from 5-21 last year) and still get a gift from aunts and uncles, or participate in the adult gift exchange and get no additional gift. Is it a surprise they picked the kids' exchange and gift?

My personal feeling is that if the older child is still in college, I'll consider them a "kid" and give them a gift. If not, they're an adult, and the exchange is what adults get (and these can be nice and they could be goofy -- we don't purchase anything new, has to come out of your house). We don't have a set limit for kids' gifts, although it's been around $15 (last year, we told family we could only manage $10 -- we have 8 nieces and nephew -- well, 9 this year --and I think we'll stick to the $10 this year too with DH still not making close to what he was making previously. Stick to your guns! Don't let one person in the family dictate the terms that make it difficult for everyone else.

 

[MnMomtoboys]

The only oops you did was thinking there was a problem with things being uneven. Everything evens out ok when you picking names

Don't worry about your SIL being upset. She just might be upset about her son growing up.

 

[SC Minnie]

in DH's family when the grandkids turn 18 they can opt into the name exchange.

We don't buy gifts for all the grandkids- there's almost 20 of them and it is just too much.

 

[tiggger1]

It sounds like she is upset that he is considered an adult..so he wont get a bunch of gifts like the other kids?

 

[pyrxtc]

So yesterday at our "end of year BBQ" (which usually means we'll only have another dozen or so before we quit using the grill, lol), the subject of Christmas came up. In previous years, the family has picked names and we got a gift for that one person, and everyone got something for the children. This year we discussed having a set $ limit; sister & BIL are down one job due to health, brother and SIL are trying to keep all their utilities on due to the fact that SIL is a... ahem. Anyway, due to finances being tight, we decided that $10 would be the adult limit, and I was firm about everyone sticking to that so that no one would feel badly. My SIL (who spends money she doesn't have) looked a little offended, but frankly I don't care.

The other thing was, brother and SIL's son, who is 20 (not actually brother's son, he was 11 when they married), was included in the name-picking exchange. Apparently SIL took great offense to that, and made it VERY clear. I'm not sure I understand WHY that's offensive; yes he's her son, her child, however he's TWENTY. Not to mention the fact that our numbers were uneven with the loss of my mom, so adding him in made it easier for the name-exchange.

Does this sound like something I should apologize for? I don't think I will (brother and sister were pretty disgusted with SIL as well) but I'm really self-concious, and concerned that I was at fault here...

Following the rule.

I think you shouldn't worry about SIL. You spend the $10 on whoever you get and let everyone else do the same. If she wants to spoil it by spending more then let her. If she chooses not to participate then that is her choice. As far as her son, (their son regardless of how he was born) as long as all the kids who are that age or older are included in the adult exchange then who cares what she thinks. If MOST/ALL adults agree then that's how it works.

 

[Hannathy]

On the side of my family that does the gift exchange. the kids are considered kids at least thru college at the very least! and then often a year or two past. Once they are established then they go into the gift exchange. But while in school they are still kids.

 

[dispor]

Maybe she's afraid that having him in the "adult" name-draw obligates him to buy for all the kids, too??

 

[Tinkermommy]

Growing up on my mother's side, I had 9 aunts/uncles plus their spouses and 27 first cousins. When I was little there was a name drawing for adults and a separate one for kids. At 18 your flipped to the adult pool.

As a 20 year old, I would think he would not want to be included with the kids.

To me if you are old enough to serve your country, you should be in the adult name draw.

 

[golfgal]

It sounds like she is upset that he is considered an adult..so he wont get a bunch of gifts like the other kids?

I would agree this is probably it too.

Our oldest is the oldest grandchild on DS's side and the kids have always drawn names and exchanged with each other, the adults don't buy for the kids unless they are a Godchild. Maybe you could suggest something like this vs all the adults buying for all the kids. That would help the budgets quite a bit and allow the 20 year old to decide which drawing he wants to be in. We stopped buying adults gifts last year and gave the money to charities since none of us really need anything.

 

[Mermaid02]

If he's in college I would consider him in the "kid" category.

I don't see why the fact that he's your brother's step son was brought up. What difference does that make?

 

[Minniemouse07]

Dh's stepmother's family does a family wide gift exchange...and it has to be homemade!

Everyone chooses names each Christmas (or whatever day is designated for the family Christmas get together) for the following year, and EVERYONE participates no matter the age.

It is one of my favorite Christmas traditions.

I like it because it does away with who spent how much and at what age someone does or does not participate.

I should add that this is for the larger group.... Nana & Pop Pop still give gifts to their kids and grandchildren and we still give them gifts.

 

[Darsa]

Maybe she's afraid that having him in the "adult" name-draw obligates him to buy for all the kids, too??

Wow, I never even thought that that might be the case! Though he's FAR more reasonable than his mom is and probably would buy for the kids anyway, especially the 3 year old!

I'm glad to see that I'm not alone in my reasoning. I was thinking that he was more than old enough to be considered an adult, and he got my name and said he "can't wait" to shop for me, so HE'S fine with it.

Thanks, y'all!

 

[Rora]

Glad you're more comfortable with your reasoning! Just wanted to say again: he's and adult!! He should be in the adult name draw.

You did nothing wrong!