DH/vacation/money issue (all rolled into one!)

[ajk912]

All the money goes in the communal pot, and I just pay the bills with it. We have the money to go no matter what, but it's just dropping our savings account too low for my comfort level. I would say his job is reasonably secure, I am not worried about that at all..I just try to live by the line of thinking that savings is for emergencies. Whether it be car repairs that NEED to be done, dental work that NEEDS to be done, etc. Not going on vacation. I originally had the money earmarked, but I had to spend it on other things.

I have never asked for his birthday/Christmas money in the past. Normally I just let him blow it on whatever. So maybe I just caught it off guard. But I just can't in good conscience spend that money right now. I don't mind cancelling, it's more work for me to go through with this anyway. Because let's face it, a beach trip with three kids is hardly relaxing for mom. Because I am the one having to be worried about entertaining the kids, making food/snacks, packing/unpacking, this..that. Ugh. It wouldn't be any skin off my back to throw in the towel and just go for a day trip instead.

I agree, he isn't involved in finances at ALL. I try to get him involved, but he just doesn't pay attention. He acts like a little kid about it. AND about how much things cost, too. I am like..seriously..you are 42. If something happened to me you would be SOO screwed. Not too long ago he asked me how to cash a check he got from work. Seriously.


Ugh, thanks for the advice, guys!!!

 

[brockash]

DW and I share all of our money, but the exception is gift money--birthday, Christmas, whatever. That's a gift to that particular person and we never ask the other one to put that in the general fund.

That's the way we do it too. I'll say that many times we do end up buying stuff for the house or using it as spending money for Disney but not always, and I'm completely fine with that. I see it as a gift to that individual person. If it wasn't money, the giver would have given the person a gift specified for that person...would you expect yourself or DH to return the gift to get money to put towards the vacation/joint account ect.? Like I said, while I get what you're saying, and with us, most likely we would have volunteered that money; I would have never asked if my DH didn't offer, and I wouldn't like it if he asked me either.

 

[suejai]

I would just take the vacation out of savings since you are going back to work in the fall and can replenish your savings then. But I'm not really the best person to take financial advice from, as you can tell by my answer.

DH says he would have offered up the check as soon as he got it.

 

[wall*e2008]

First my DH would offer the money and I would turn him down and suggest the item I know he has had his eye on.

It was wrong for you to ask him for his birthday money for a vacation.

I would also not ask him to cancel his vacation since he will have to work the entire summer and you will not. If it was me I would get a job during the summer to pay for the vacation and refill the savings account before I would ask a person who works the entire year to go without a vacation.

 

[C.Ann]

First my DH would offer the money and I would turn him down and suggest the item I know he has had his eye on.

It was wrong for you to ask him for his birthday money for a vacation..

That's exactly what my late DH would have done.. As long as he had his cable tv, he didn't need or want anything else.. LOL..

In DD's DH's case, his birthday money is never spent on "toys" or "junk".. He purchases additional tools that he needs to work on their house - which has saved them thousands and thousands of dollars over the years.. Personally, I think that's an excellent choice..

DD usually ends up using hers to do something "special" with my DGD.. Although it's meant to be spent on herself, very, very rarely does that ever occur..

Interesting to see the different responses here..

 

[waltsgirl]

My husband and I will both get money for Christmas and birthdays. We just put it in a pot and use it for whatever. My husband would never get upset and in fact would have offered to pay for the hotel before I even asked. I guess after 23 years of marriage we just don't get all caught up in mine, mine, or me, me.

 

[ICF]

It's his bday present, and he should be able to do with it as he pleases....be that taking the family on vacation or buying what you deem as "crap". It is his present from his parents and if he wants to do something else with it that should be his right. If you were starving or not making the mortgage payment and he wanted to use it on himself my answer would be different.

I wish I got bday presents sizeable enough to take the family on vacation!

I do think if money is tight, you should at least cancel the beach part of your trip. Just go to Ohio and spend time with the family for a lot less $$$.

 

[daisax]

If money's tight, money's tight. And if he wants to play with his birthday money, that's fine.

You seemed fine with cancelling the vacation -- he's the one who didn't want to. So this was his opportunity to put his money where his mouth was, and he prefers spending the money elsewhere. Decision made.

As long as he's not whining about not getting the vacation when he had the opportunity to make it happen and chose not to, I wouldn't give it any more thought.

 

[HM]

I would not have asked for the money for the trip....but may have asked in a different conversation (later) what he planned to do with the birthday money. It might have prompted him to think about using it for the trip.

I would still take the full trip you planned and use your savings. I think it is probably something that you all have been looking forward to and may be something your DH needs (since he's not off for the summer). You can replenish your savings over time. Go have fun!

 

[ilovefh]

I chose two choices in the poll. My first choice is "He should have absolutely offered the money without asking" This was my first choice only because this is how things work in our house. We share virtually everything. Two years ago DH got a check from his dad for his birthday. We had a trip to WDW planned for less than a month later and we saved it and used it for our trip.

My second choice was "I would cancel the trip and let him buy his material crap he wants so bad." He can't have it both ways. He does not handle (or even understand it sounds like) the money, you do. With recent unplanned expenses you do not feel comfortable spending that amount of money. If he wants to go he needs to contribute his birthday money is this scenario. If not, the trip is a no go. It is a simple question of what does he want more...to buy something with his money or to go on the trip.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would cancel the trip and let him buy whatever he wants with his birthday money.

If he made any comment about not having a vacation, my response would be, "We cannot afford it. I can review the finances if you would like to see the reasons why we cannot afford it, but if you are not interested in doing that, then, since I do the finances, you'll just have to believe me when I say we cannot afford it".

If he said anything about using his birthday $$, I'd say "When we discussed that last time you got angry and said you had earmarked it to buy something special for yourself. Since it is your birthday money, you have every right to do that, so it doesn't affect our ability to be able to afford our family vacation, because that money is not go ing to be available for us to use for the family vacation".

I might also add that it would annoy me to no end to be married to someone that selfish. I couldn't imagine DH knowing that he had enough $$ from a gift to be able to give us a little vacation and he would choose to buy himself something instead. Of course, I wouldn't do that either. All the money that comes into the household (gift $$ that is) is ours first, and then if it is not needed for "us", the recipient uses it for something special.

 

[mickeywho?]

I would cancel the trip and let him buy whatever he wants with his birthday money.

If he made any comment about not having a vacation, my response would be, "We cannot afford it. I can review the finances if you would like to see the reasons why we cannot afford it, but if you are not interested in doing that, then, since I do the finances, you'll just have to believe me when I say we cannot afford it".

If he said anything about using his birthday $$, I'd say "When we discussed that last time you got angry and said you had earmarked it to buy something special for yourself. Since it is your birthday money, you have every right to do that, so it doesn't affect our ability to be able to afford our family vacation, because that money is not go ing to be available for us to use for the family vacation".

I might also add that it would annoy me to no end to be married to someone that selfish. I couldn't imagine DH knowing that he had enough $$ from a gift to be able to give us a little vacation and he would choose to buy himself something instead. Of course, I wouldn't do that either. All the money that comes into the household (gift $$ that is) is ours first, and then if it is not needed for "us", the recipient uses it for something special.

Absolutely, 100% agree with above. Couldn't have said it better myself!

 

[Bren's Mom]

So what should I do? Poll coming.....

What you should do is stop playing 'head games' with your dh.

 

[Crankyshank]

He can't have it both ways. He admits that money is tight and it would be wiser to cancel the vacation, but he still wants to go on vacation. Additionally, he wants to use the birthday money to buy himself a treat.

So I would compromise with him, but ultimately allow him the choice. Half of his bday money can go towards the vacation and half towards a treat, but if he wants all of it to go towards a treat then you have no choice but to cancel the vacation until finances are better.

For the record, DH is allowed to do what he wants with his birthday money. Usually mine goes towards my books for the upcoming semester, or paying for Christmas presents.

 

[AndyLL]

Actually it sounds like you tried a power play and when it failed you are canceling the part of the vacation he wants to do to punish him and keeping the part you want to do.

Why aren't you canceling the whole vacation if you are that concerned about your savings.

Your post is dripping with spite...even your poll answers. ( the trip isn't coming from savings... the extra expenses did)

If he had received a gift for his birthday instead of cash would you have asked him to sell it for help pay for the trip?

I think you should cancel the whole trip until you feel you can afford it.

 

[ols386]

If it were me, and I didn't feel comfortable with spending the money that it will cost for the vacation, then I'd probably cancel it.

If I went ahead and took a vacation that I didn't think I could afford, I'd be thinking and worrying about it the whole time.

 

[ols386]

No advice, I'm just stunned that people get birthday checks big enough to cover three nights in a hotel! Nice! Would your in-laws consider adopting me?

I think the most cash/check I've ever received as a birthay gift is $50, which does't buy alot, but I guess it's the thought that counts.

 

[ajk912]

First my DH would offer the money and I would turn him down and suggest the item I know he has had his eye on.

It was wrong for you to ask him for his birthday money for a vacation.

I would also not ask him to cancel his vacation since he will have to work the entire summer and you will not. If it was me I would get a job during the summer to pay for the vacation and refill the savings account before I would ask a person who works the entire year to go without a vacation.

I am more than willing to do that but he needs to make himself available to watch the kids. I don't mind getting a babysitter for part of the time when I am working, but it's too expensive to do a babysitter for 3 kids for the whole time. BTDT. I barely come out ahead. So going forward, I only work when the kids are in school (so summers are out)-unless I knew the future wouldn't be a repeat of the past. If he was wiling to commit to watching his kids, absolutely, I could get a summer job. But he's a salaried manager and he won't commit to being home. Whether it be evenings or weekends or whatever. Even third shift is out, because he often goes into work at 5am.

 

[ajk912]

Actually it sounds like you tried a power play and when it failed you are canceling the part of the vacation he wants to do to punish him and keeping the part you want to do.

Why aren't you canceling the whole vacation if you are that concerned about your savings.

Your post is dripping with spite...even your poll answers. ( the trip isn't coming from savings... the extra expenses did)

If he had received a gift for his birthday instead of cash would you have asked him to sell it for help pay for the trip?

I think you should cancel the whole trip until you feel you can afford it.

Because the second part is to see family in Ohio. Including his dad who had surgery last month and we haven't been able to go up and see him up until now. And he's older, and isn't able to travel anymore. Sure, it's not the best financial move to do that either, but gas for 1000 mile trip is what, $200? If something happens to anyone we would be really regretting not going. We would be kicking ourselves for being that concerned over a couple hundred bucks. He won't have vacation time again till probably Christmas time (unless something happens, but then it's too late), so I think it's important to do that part of the trip, no matter what.

Unfortunately, my DH has to work for a few hours smack dab in the middle of the week (even though he is on vacation, but it's just the way the business works), so it's not like we could just cancel the beach portion and just spend the week in Ohio. It's too far to go up, come back, and go up again.

 

[maxiesmom]

I have read alot of the posts but not all of them. It seems to me that you spent the vacation money on what you consider Emergencies and now you want to cancel the vacation instead of using the emergency fund to pay for the vacation. If that is true and you would just feel a little uncomfortable spending money on your vacation I can see your husbands point.