DH/vacation/money issue (all rolled into one!)

[ajk912]

So WWYD?

So we have had a lot of unexpected bills come up in the last two months. A $1300 car repair, and my youngest daughter needs $400 of dental work. So my savings account is a LOT leaner than I would like it to be. Yes, we have the money, but not NEARLY enough as we should.

DH's job is secure and all that. I am off work currently for the summer, but will work again in the fall when the kids are back in school. So we are one income at the moment.

So because of the unexpected bills we have had come up, I don't really feel comfortable taking the vacation we had planned for next week. We had planned on going to VA Beach for 3 nights, then go to Ohio to see family for 4 nights. We haven't been back to see family in 6 months, but it's still gas money, but I still think that's important. But still $200 gone most likely. But VA Beach, that I can cancel and would feel better about not spending the money. Especially a hotel room for 3 nights, with food for three days and such. We could just go out for the day to save money, and drive back, we only live three hours away.

So I was talking to my DH about this, and he wasn't too keen on cancelling, he was looking forward to a little vacation. But I explained my position and he agreed with me (hesitantly). But that wasn't EXACTLY what I was looking for. You know us women, we love to play head games. You see, my DH had gotten a check from his parents for his birthday (two weeks ago) that he has been carrying around in his wallet till he figured out what he wanted to buy. Whatever.

Oddly enough, that check would cover the hotel room for the three days plus a little extra. That would help a LOT. Yes, he could buy material crap. It's his money, he could do that. He got mad when I suggested that, and said, "Fine, take my ^&%$ money, I wanted to buy myself something for once..but whatever." Great. I even said, I am not looking to have you hang this over my head, I would rather just cancel. He's still pretty ticked I asked, I can tell. BTW, he just got a new laptop in January, he isn't deprived. No, he doesn't have a lot of money to buy toys, but what dad of three young kids DOES?

So what should I do? Poll coming.....

 

[C.Ann]

DD and her DH both receive sizeable checks from his parents on their respective birthdays.. Neither one would ever "ask", "suggest", or "tell" the other what to do with it.. If one or the other wants to "offer", that's fine - but that's the way they have been handling it for 14 years now (regardless of their financial situation) and it works well for them..

How have the two of you handled this in the past?

 

[tiffsix]

I guess if i received money from any source i would put it towards the good of our family...but that's just me. Everbody has different situations so it's hard to speak for what someone else should do

John

 

[ajk912]

DD and her DH both receive sizeable checks from his parents on their respective birthdays.. Neither one would ever "ask", "suggest", or "tell" the other what to do with it.. If one or the other wants to "offer", that's fine - but that's the way they have been handling it for 14 years now (regardless of their financial situation) and it works well for them..

How have the two of you handled this in the past?

Any money I get I almost always just put it towards bills, but since I am the bill-person in the family I know there is always something that needs to be paid. Anything else, I think of the family first. But I am not really into material crap. I would much rather do something than HAVE something.

I usually don't pay attention or care what he does with his birthday or Christmas money. I mean, the paycheck goes towards bills, obviously, but anything extra is extra. I can't even think of what he DOES with it. That's how little I dwell on it. I just know how much he got this year because he told me about it.

 

[MoniqueU]

The way my DH is he would want to use the money for Vacation no matter what if it was sizeable. His Mom gave him a good amount of gift cards last year, they were visa ones but said walmart on them. Neither one of us shop at Walmart so it was either in front of his mom or my son told her he gave them to our son to use. My MIL totally had her feelings devestated. My DH is hard to buy for and she always freelances and doesn't ask me what he wants which is fine a gift is a gift right? Anyhow my DH puts his kids first at all times so this would never have been an issue for us. I can't imagine that kind of reaction from an adult, especially one that wants to keep the vacation.

 

[crashbb]

Are your birthday presents for you or do you share them with your family? This, as I understand it, was a birthday present for your DH (not just random money). In my opinion (since you did ask for them) it is his money to buy himself a birthday present.

 

[rangermom]

My DH would offer the money withour asking. I have to watch him to make sure he doesn't spend his money on groceries. He never spends money on just his self.

 

[Nie0214]

I didn't choose any of the options.

You told him because of finances, you thought you should cancel the hotel. He said he was looking forward to a vacation, but tentatively agreed that finances weren't great. He had an opportunity there to offer his birthday money, and he didn't. I don't think you should have asked for it.

 

[brockash]

Any money I get I almost always just put it towards bills, but since I am the bill-person in the family I know there is always something that needs to be paid. Anything else, I think of the family first. But I am not really into material crap. I would much rather do something than HAVE something.

I usually don't pay attention or care what he does with his birthday or Christmas money. I mean, the paycheck goes towards bills, obviously, but anything extra is extra. I can't even think of what he DOES with it. That's how little I dwell on it. I just know how much he got this year because he told me about it.

Honestly, if we were that short that we couldn't/shouldn't do the trip without the b-day money, than both my dh and myself would most likely volunteer it, but having said that if he didn't offer, I can kinda see him being a little upset about you wanting him to spend it on what you say. I get the logic and that it would really help ect., but I'm guessing he probably doesn't see it as you guys are struggling, so it's a gift for him from his parents for his b-day, and I wouldn't want my spouse asking me to basically give up the b-day gift and put it towards a vacation that we had already planned without my b-day gift being part of the deal.

 

[KirstenB]

I voted to cancel and let him have his material crap. He's putting himself ahead of a family vacation, but you know that. I'd be pretty irritated with him. Hope he enjoys whatever little gadget is so important.

 

[Planogirl]

I think it depends. My DH never, ever buys himself anything and I would feel bad taking away his money the one time he wanted to buy himself something. If he did buy himself a lot of things, I would feel a little offended that he didn't offer at least part of the money.

I guess that I don't have an answer because I don't know enough.

 

[OctMtnWoods]

If $1700 in expenses is enough to make you think about cancelling 3 days off trip, then you probably need the $1700 more than you need the trip. And if its going to mean you can't enjoy yourself on the trip, or come home to stress because you now need the money for other stuff, then you don't need the trip.

Trips aren't guarantees in life. You can still take vacation from your job. No one says you have to go somewhere all the time.

 

[pearlieq]

What is your arragement with your DH? Do you have "his" money and "my" money or does everything go in the communal pot?

If you've kept separate money in the past, you don't have the right to decide what to do with his money, either directly or through manipulation/guilt. It's fine to ask him if he would like to use it for that, but not OK to pressure him or punish him for not making the decision you wanted.

However, if you're an "everything into the common pot" couple, he had no right to keep that money separate and you have an honest beef with him holding it out. You would have been more than entitled to suggest he use it for vacation/savings and to insist of making the decision together.

It's hard to assess the situation without knowing what your "deal" is regarding money.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

My DH would offer the money withour asking. I have to watch him to make sure he doesn't spend his money on groceries. He never spends money on just his self.

This is my DH also. He never buys for himself. Its always me or the kids. The money would go for the trip or to replenish savings without a doubt in my mind and I wouldn't say a word.

 

[HunnyPots]

No advice, I'm just stunned that people get birthday checks big enough to cover three nights in a hotel! Nice! Would your in-laws consider adopting me?

 

[a1tinkfans]

Too Funny.....My Xmas $$ from my dad is still sitting in my desk for spending money at disney. My dh Xmas $$ from dad (my father always gives us each a card and cash ) was spent on house stuff..

Whats mine is his and whats his is mine BUT he'd say whats mine is mine and whats HIS is also mine, its just works that way after 24 years of marriage................
Seriously though, I would never have asked your husband for HIS birthday $$, is nothing sacred anymore.....

Sounds like you cannot afford it right now......if it is stressing you so much, I'd ditch the vacation.......no vacation should START with stress!!!
Good Luck!

 

[disykat]

I'd go to Ohio, but ditch the Va beach portion of the plans. If your dh prefers to spend "his money" on himself then he can't complain about you canceling the beach time. You'll still have time away, you're just canceling the most expensive part.

 

[Praying Colonel]

DW and I share all of our money, but the exception is gift money--birthday, Christmas, whatever. That's a gift to that particular person and we never ask the other one to put that in the general fund.

 

[JoBird]

Hum, well, let's see-
I think if he still wanted to go on the vacation AND keep his check for material things, I'd be sweet about it and say- "Okay honey, that's fine. We'll go and enjoy it but it will have to be put on the credit card. And then next month, I'll just pay the trip off with your paycheck. So, whatcha buying with your Birthday Money? Can I help you pick it out?"

At least that's how that conversation would go in my house. I don't work, I'm a stay at home mom, so only one paycheck comes into our house-
so whatever's his is mine.

But my DH and I would never have to have that conversation b/c whenever he or I get any $ for birthdays etc, we use it collectively to buy something for us, not-- this is mine, that is yours.


Sounds to me like there is some underlying hostility over something going on.
Jo

 

[mom2travel]

Whats mine is his and whats his is mine BUT he'd say whats mine is mine and whats HIS is also mine, its just works that way after 24 years of marriage................ DH and I joke around that that is how our house works too but seriously, we share our money in a single pot. Most of the time it is for kids, house, etc. Vacations are a mutual decision. If one of us is given "extra" whether a bonus at work or gift money from family, the recipient can spend at will but we only do if there is something we really would like or need, and only if there is not something going on with our communal finances that would require the money for more practical things (darn reality sometimes!)

Sounds like you cannot afford it right now......if it is stressing you so much, I'd ditch the vacation.......no vacation should START with stress!!!
Good Luck!

ita! We don't know your financial situation or how the economy could potentially affect you. If you think it is a bad idea to spend the money, then it probably is.

I know how much we all "need" vacation after work and school and general craziness of life, but sometimes we need to think longer-term than immediate gratification (that seems to be lost on many people in recent years...). You mentioned that you pay the bills. Maybe you have already, but if not, perhaps it would help to share a budget with your husband and show him how much money you have, what your expenses are, and how much income there will be over the summer until you are back at work. If he is not involved with that then perhaps he doesn't have an appreciation for the full situation and your concern. Good luck!