DH Lying.. would you be angry?

[DMickey28]

A while back, when we were on our way back from our honeymoon, our cable was a day away from being shut off. With the wedding and everything, I apparently missed that bill. Anway, DH's check was in our mail box when we returned and we had plenty of money, just that it was in the mailbox and not the bank. I do not have any active credit cards and DH has one. He says he hates to use it, doesn't want credit debt just has if for emergency's. He has a low limit. We are in San Juan and he is waiting for emails about his new job offer. This was month ago. Since the cable was at risk I ask him if we can pay it with his credit card and I will pay the day after we get home and the check gets in the bank. No interest, but savign the email and stuff. He didn't want to, doesn't want to use the card, just doesn't. Does not give me a reason, just doesn't. I ask if he used if for anything, he says No just some gas like $30. He paid that at the beginning of Nov. I have never seen this bill and he says it's an online statement. ok, makes sense. I ask him more about using the card for the cable, feeling that he's not giving me a reason other than because, but he's really bent out of shape about the cable.

About a week ago, I asked him if he paid that bill because I know he has a no interest on it and wanted to make sure it was paid. He said yes. I asked that since we are married now and trying to get our finances together and in order if I could know when that was to be paid to put on our calender and stuff. He said yes.

Fast forward to today. Check the mail, get his paycheck and a credit card bill. Now his card is the same as one that I have, thinking it's mine because he said his are online statements. I open it and it's MAXED. He lied. There are no purchases on it, just shows the payment from the beginning of Nov.

I don't care about him using it or spending the money. I care about the lying when I asked indepth, pointed questions about it...

What would you do or think?

Yes, you can add this to our newlywed "issues".

 

[WDWorBUST]

I would sit him down and talk to him about it. I wouldn't make a huge issue of it happening....just that he didn't tell you. Tell him that the money isn't a big deal but that lying isn't acceptable. I'm sure he was just ashamed that he had let it get out of hand and didn't want you to know. You guys are learning how to live together as a unit instead of individuals. It's hard. I have been married for 10 years and the one thing I would change is having us start out partners in the financial department instead of me just handling it all. Now I can't seem to want to give it up.

 

[jeleebeene]

I have experienced this with DH - more than likely he didn't want to make you upset by telling you he had used it. But regardless, he should have been honest with you instead of pulling stories out of the air.

If you confront him with it, do it in a way to which he understands that you are hurt that he lied, aren't angry about the charges and hope that in the future, he can feel more comfortable telling you the truth regarding these issues.

Good Luck!

 

[tammy]

 

[DoeWDW]

If you get mad and start a war over this, he'll be reluctant to ever come and "confess" again, so be very careful how you handle this.

I think I would very calmly sit down with him and itemize ALL your debts and fiancial obligations and work on a plan to pay them off.

Good luck!

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I'd be upset about him lying and make sure we had a long talk about lying. Maybe he was embarassed to have a maxed card and did not want you to know?

Perhaps the best thing for you two to do is have him let you handle the finances. Some people just are not good at managing their money/credit and in lots of relationships just one person handles the money for both.

It could be worse though. At least it is just one card with a small limit, right? I know a few people who live off of credit and have several maxed cards.

So it shouldn't be too hard to pay off and start working on getting his credit cleared. I'd have him order a copy of
his credit report, so you both can go over it and make sure there are not other outstanding balances.

Good luck.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

it really isn't that uncommon. Alot of people have a hard time mingling finances right after marriage. In fact, alot of people have a hard mingling finances - period.

Money is the #1 cause of divorce in this country.

I would suggest you get him to agree to some kind of couples financial planning course. There are several offerred for newlyweds etc. Some churches even require them as part of pre-marital counselling.

good luck.

 

[ckmommy]

to you. I know that I would be VERY angry if I were in your shoes. Trust is so hard to come by and with you just starting out, even more so. I guess I would sit him down and confront him on this. State how you feel about it and ask why he did not tell you about it. Good luck to you!!

 

[tonyswife]

Well, I'm not sure haveing a long talk about lying is the best idea. He may feel like you're lecturing him like a child. I would simply hand it to him, say you accidently opened his statement because you thought it was yours. He will know you know.

Then ask him if the two of you could schedule a time to sit down and create a budget and a plan to pay down all of your (collective) debt to save for a house or whatever the two of you deem important.

Remind him at the end of the conversation about your budget that you love him and hope he will feel comfortable being honest with you about finance so that it doesn;t become an issue in your marriage, without specifically mentioning the credit card.

I agree with Toby'sfriend that co-mingling funds after marriage is a huge step and is very difficult for some people. I don;t think I would be "mad" perse, just concerned over the lack of communication. I would try to resolve that issue without making a huge deal. Good luck!

 

[greenban]

Originally posted by DoeWDW
If you get mad and start a war over this, he'll be reluctant to ever come and "confess" again, so be very careful how you handle this.

I think I would very calmly sit down with him and itemize ALL your debts and fiancial obligations and work on a plan to pay them off.

Good luck!

I stongly disagree. Once a liar, always a liar. If he'll lie over this, he'll lie over ANYTHING.

He needs to re-earn your trust. I do agree with the above, that you need to start the conversation out in an non-confrontational approach, but I would also calmly explain why you are so upset, "... I asked you directly about this and you lied...." I probably would also ask if there was 'anything' else he needed to correct!

Good Luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Instead of giving you an answer to your DH I would like to relay a story to you....

My parents (mom-66, dad-64) have been married 40 years. My father is a liar about money. My mom has put up with this to the point where they are in an apartment. He has spent ALL of their retirement. My mom works her butt off as an LPN in a nursing home. She literally is falling apart.

So last week mom calls to say she opened her credit card bill and found out dad has charged $5,000 on it. Instead of confronting him which does no good, she quietly took his name off her card and shredded it.

I still have issues with my dh over money. Messing up is one thing, lying about the card means that is the beginning of the rabbit hole. Delve deeper and lay the cards out on the table.
In other words, deal with it and come to a solution together. It can be done. Go get Suze Orman's book or something to help you stay on target.

Good Luck...it is not easy.

 

[diznygirl]

This is the beginning of your marriage. Time to set some standards. Let him know you found out - so he knows he can be found out about things. Let him know that you are angry about him lying - because he has to know he shouldn't lie to you.

This is like teaching a little kid the basics - but it's your husband. Although he should already know, apparently he doesn't. (Probably didn't want you to be mad about the debt). Let him know you aren't upset about the debt, only about the lying.

Good luck.

 

[DMickey28]

Due to personal circumstances we are challenging, I am the only one on the bank account. We can't put his name on it at this point. I have ordered him an ATM card that he can have all the time....

Maybe there are a lot of red flags that I have missed in the past. Does it ever feel like you don't know who you married?

We have a budget and talk about our finances a lot. We are working on it all. DH is a 29 year old man that makes good money and he feels like he can't have access to it. Since the acounts in my name and I use the account for groceries and bills, I have the debit card. I leave the check book out so that he has access too, to see everything. He takes the card when he wants/needs money and goes to the ATM machine... I only asked him twice, to only take X amount because of wedding bills that I was paying. Otherwise he is a smart man and aware of our situation and free to take what he needs and knows we can do. I never restrict him.
Because of the situation he feels like a schmuck, however he isn't fighting as hard as he could be with the situation.

We have talked about trust and honesty many many times. It was a big issue for me when we go together. About a year and half ago, I messed up big time. I never lied and never cheated, but I was Playing a game with another girl, being stupid with a guy. DH found out by going in my email when I was away on business. The fact that he invaded my email before we were even living together fell by the way side. I never got a chance to tell him what had happened as I was confronted right away. I was honest and told the truth... he left for two weeks but came back and we worked it out. He has lied about minor things in the past and uses my mistake as his get of jail free card. I am not buying it this time...

The conversations that we have had about how weak a person is when they don't tell the truth even when it's hard. How no matter what happens, if he has to tell me something, no matter how hard he will stand up to it, and I say the same thing. I wonder now if that conversation was a joke, and how far across the board will this reach??? Being a worrier and stresser, I know only too well how far my mind can go with this.....

 

[Kallison]

Yes I would be angry and also it sounds like with your money issues you shouldn't have a cable bill.

 

[Serena]

I would calmly but directly tell him not to lie to you. You two can handle anything together, but not if there are any lies.
Don't lecture, don't wait for a response. Just put it out there for him to think about.

Then, get the check book and the bills and ask him if there is anything else you two need to discuss and do the bills together. Don't leave it up to one or the other, figure out how to deal with the debt and work together.

 

[DMickey28]

Our cable bill was before we moved. We did not have money issues at the time... we paid for the entire wedding in cash, we owe my parents a little for the honeymoon. Due to the mess in the house, I believe that the cable bill was missed placed as there was money to pay it..... We are financially struggling right now, because we are used to living a different lifestyle. All the bills are paid, we just don't have much left over right now and that's wierd and hard for us. Better to learn it now when we are young but it's still hard.

 

[NMAmy]

I really think you need to discuss it with him. Lying is a deal breaker for me.

I have issues from my first marriage over lying. My ex lied about anything and everything and it started out with small things that were easy to excuse. He was also really bad with money. I'm not saying that your DH is the same way--this is just how it turned out for me.

My DH knows that this is a security issue with me--I've been left with no money and lots of bills so he lets me handle all the money--although it's not a big secret, he knows what's going on with it all. But it makes me feel safer to do it myself.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Freyja]

I would definately be upset and would have a serious talk about it. My husband once did something very similar and I was absoloutly not o.k with it and believe me he KNEW and still KNOWS. I don't believe he'll ever do anything like it again

 

[arminnie]

I truly hope you and your hubby have a long and happy life together, but PLEASE protect yourself.

I literally could write a hundred stories about women I have known who have had their credit and their lives just destroyed by men with credit problems.

If I've heard it once, I've heard it a hundred times - "my credit was better than his so we opened up all the cards, car loans, etc in my name." More than a few women have found out that their husbands have run up TENS of thousands of dollars in debt from credit cards that they did not even know existed.

Please be very, very careful.

 

[Pugdog007]

This is precisely why I think finances should be separate. I don't want my money touching anyone else's money. I add up mtg & utilities each month and give him a bill. He pays me out of his account and I pay bills out of my account.

I will never mingle my money.