DH Dilemma, need your advice (long)

[AprilShowers]

NO flames please! I truly just want advice on how to handle Father's Day.
Here's the background: Lately, DH has taken to not buying me any presents. He hasn't always been this way, and he insists that he's very busy, and will get me something later. He just never follows through.

Two years ago for Mother's Day, he promised me a day off work (we own our own business). He was taking me to the city for lunch and shopping. Still waiting......

Last year for Mother's Day, Anniversary, and my Birthday, he gave me a nice card (which, BTW is enough for me, I don't NEED a gift, but I LIKE gifts) but inside the card was a promise for a gift at a later date. Still waiting......

For Christmas he got me some nice things, and a VERY expensive necklace. We took the necklace back for a couple of reasons, and he promised I could replace it with something else. Still waiting......

This year for Mother's Day, again a card with a promise "We're still looking for your gift, I'm sorry but I've just been so busy."
Two weeks later was our anniversary, not even a card.

Now seriously, I'm not looking for diamonds or new cars here, but how much effort would it take for him to go around the corner to the salon and get me a massage or pedicure?
My feelings are very hurt and it makes me feel unappreciated and unimportant that he does this all the time.

Please don't tell me to get over it, or to stop expecting gifts, that's not an option. We have always bought gifts for each other, and I LOVE giving him gifts. He used to love giving me gifts too.
He doesn't much care to receive gifts, so I'm thinking he thinks it's no big deal that he doesn't get me anything.
Truly the card would be enough sometimes, but why does he tell me the gift is coming when clearly it's not????

If you're still with me, here's the question. Should I get him something for Father's Day? Part of me wants to be snippy and not get him anything but a card, but he won't take it that way. He could care less if he gets gifts.
The other part of me who loves to get him gifts, wants to get him something nice even though he never reciprocates.
WWYD?

 

[diznygirl]

I would get YOURSELF something nice, and give him a card that says, "Your gift is that you don't have to shop for mine!!"

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

My DH is terrible about getting others any kind of gift - even just a card. After a couple of years of not getting anything, no Christmas, birthday, anniversary, I really had a fit at Christmas. I was just really upset because nobody ever thinks of me even though I make sure everyone else is taken care of. For a couple of years I had just said fine, I'd buy my own gift which will be more expensive than anything you would get me. Then I gave him a list to go from and after the big blow up that did help. He won't do anything for his mother either. I covered for him for many years then decided the heck with it.

This year I'm not giving him anything for Father's day - which is exactly what I got for Mother's day. I bought a card for my Dad and one for our DS's to give their grandpa but nothing for him. I figured if he gets his feelings hurt he'll understand how others feel. If not then I guess he really doesn't care about it.

 

[buddy&wooz]

I would get YOURSELF something nice, and give him a card that says, "Your gift is that you don't have to shop for mine!!"

I love this!

I would just get him a card, no gift.

 

[Laura]

I would still get him a gift. But you need to talk to him about this, tell him that these unfulfilled promises are a big bummer.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I wouldn't give him anything but a card. Not out of spite, but because he doesn't seem to care. On this issue, he seems dense enough that the lesson would be lost on him anyway. I think it's really 2 seperate issues.

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

He doesn't much care to receive gifts, so I'm thinking he thinks it's no big deal that he doesn't get me anything.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here - he assumes that because it's not important to him, it's not important to you.

You should ask him whether or not he wants a gift for Father's Day. He may not care either way? But you do need to talk to him about how you feel about him following through on his promises. It is not unreasonable for you to want to receive a gift as an expression of love on special occasions. There must be some reasonable compromise!?

 

[AprilShowers]

I would get YOURSELF something nice, and give him a card that says, "Your gift is that you don't have to shop for mine!!"

I also love this idea! BTW, I did get a pedicure last week, and when he grumbled, I just told him that since I didn't get a Mother's Day gift......
He said nothing more.

I would still get him a gift. But you need to talk to him about this, tell him that these unfulfilled promises are a big bummer.

That's the thing! I've talked till I'm blue in the face. He doesn't get it. Every time it comes up I kind of feel greedy and unappreciative.

I KNOW he loves me, and I love him very much, but sometimes I NEED a little gesture. KWIM?

 

[Planogirl]

Talk to him about setting up some rules! If you don't, you chance letting resentment build up and I personally wouldn't blame you if you did.

 

[NAB]

Well my husband used to be good at gifts too. He truly doesn't know what to get me. I don't know what to tell him to get me. He got me flowers for Mothers day but I was with him because he was going to be at work and couldn't get back out. For Father's day he is getting nothing in a gift but we are going to spend the day with the kids. He after all is not my father. And the kids made him something in school. I know you want to be appreciated we all do me included. But you can't change him so I would do what the others said and buy your self a gift and tell him it is from him. If you want to give a gift do it . It is better to give then recieve and if it makes you feel good I say go for it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You know what? DH and I go shopping together now. Start yourself a new tradition if this one is not working for you.
We go and do things more than buy gifts these days.

For father's day perhaps the kids can plan something, you know?

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

I KNOW he loves me, and I love him very much, but sometimes I NEED a little gesture. KWIM?

I know EXACTLY what you mean!

Everyone expresses and receives love in differents ways - for you, giving/receiving gifts is an expression of love!

 

[Shugardrawers]

Well my husband used to be good at gifts too. He truly doesn't know what to get me. I don't know what to tell him to get me. He got me flowers for Mothers day but I was with him because he was going to be at work and couldn't get back out. For Father's day he is getting nothing in a gift but we are going to spend the day with the kids. He after all is not my father. And the kids made him something in school. I know you want to be appreciated we all do me included. But you can't change him so I would do what the others said and buy your self a gift and tell him it is from him. If you want to give a gift do it . It is better to give then recieve and if it makes you feel good I say go for it.

No, but he's the father of your children isn't he? I never understood this logic when men used it at mother's day and I'm suprised to see a woman using it.

 

[tinatark]

I assume you have children? I would be very concerned with the example you are setting for them - if daddy doesn't give me a gift, we're not giving him a gift.

If you don't want to give him a gift, fine. But at least have the kids make something, or buy something from them to him.

In my house, turnaround makes for an unhappy day!

As far as the gifts which were promised to you - yes, buy them and show him what *he* got you for V-Day, etc.

 

[Duckfan-in-Chicago]

I wouldn't give him anything but a card. Not out of spite, but because he doesn't seem to care. On this issue, he seems dense enough that the lesson would be lost on him anyway. I think it's really 2 seperate issues.

Why is this guy dense if he's really practicing the golden rule?o to others as you would have them do to you.

I tell my wife for every occasion don't get me anything, and I mean it.

Of course I practice the golden rule V 2.0o to your wife better than you would have her do to you or else you're going to hear about it, and end up paying for it anyway, and after you pay, you're still going to hear about it for years to come...

 

[NAB]

No, but he's the father of your children isn't he?.

Well maybe he is and maybe he isn't....just kidding. I do let him know that he is appreciated that day I just don't need to get him something.

 

[AprilShowers]

I assume you have children? I would be very concerned with the example you are setting for them - if daddy doesn't give me a gift, we're not giving him a gift.

OBVIOUSLY we have children, or this wouldn't be an issue.

My question is should I get DH a gift. The children are a completely separate issue. For Mother's Day the children made me gifts at school. DH did not take them to get me anything.
I will take them shopping for something from them. It is going to be something that they can enjoy WITH their dad.

I usually get DH something from me also, because he is the father of my children, and I love him very much.

I would NEVER say to my children that Daddy doesn't get a gift because I didn't. Honestly, they wouldn't notice that he didn't get something from me, because he will get something from them, and I will help them select, buy and wrap their gift.

So no need to be concerned for the example I am setting for my children. This is between DH and me.

 

[disneymom3]

I read a really awesome book a couple of years ago that helped me a lot with this issue. It's called The Five Love Languages and is by Gary Chapman. (It is from a Christian perspective but I don't recall that it was preachy at all and would apply regardless of your beliefs.) He talks about how different people express love differently and perceive love differently. It is the perceiving that is most important really because you will act out in loving ways based on how you see love yourself. For instance, I learned that my DH expresses love by actions. I am more on the gift giving, verbal expressions side of things, but he is going to perceive what I DO as love. So, he comes home from work and one of the first things he does is empties the garbage. I know that sounds dumb, but to him it is a loving action because he knows it is not something that I like to do. I like to give presents, like you, and I put a lot of thought into what I choose and get probably more excited than the gift receiver. So, when I don't get presents back, it makes me fell sad and neglected.

What I have learned also is that one of the problems DH had was that he was afraid to pick the wrong thing or something I wouldn't like. What I have managed to communicate after many years is the idea of it truly is the thought that counts. I want him to get something that he THINKS I will like. So, I am really obnoxious and I don't even make a list. Where is the thought in shopping from a list??

We are both making progress. I am happy to say that for the last two mother's days I have gotten awesome gifts. Last year it was a picture--just a snapshot--of the kids in a Mickey frame. Not expensive, but full of thought. This year, I got a framed print of this poem-y thing that has Rules for the Home and they are all quotes taken from scripture. Again, not huge, but meaningful.

I have to confess that I have nothing for Father's Day this year. I have shopped but am just not finding anything.

Talk to your husband. Tell him what you need and how it makes you feel inside. And get him a gift because it is how you express that love you have for him.

 

[RitaZ.]

I don't get DH a gift for Father's Day, our kids do and I'm the one that takes them shopping to pick it out. As long as you're teaching your kids to acknowledge their dad on his day, then I don't see how you're setting a bad example for them.

This obviously upsets you and I would talk to him privately about it, that's all.

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

I read a really awesome book a couple of years ago that helped me a lot with this issue. It's called The Five Love Languages and is by Gary Chapman.

I totally agree - AWESOME book!!!