Destination Wedding, your thoughts/opinions.

[*Meagan*]

If you don't care if any of your family attend or not, then it's up to you.

I wouldn't go to anybody's destination wedding, period. Personally, as a guest, they would be a complete non-starter, whether it was my sibling or my daughter getting married. Your wedding is not my vacation. If you want to have one, that's your choice. I do think they are obnoxious and rude if any pressure is put on anyone to attend.

And it does send a message to your families and your friends that you really don't value their participation in your wedding. If you don't, that's fine.

Tell us how you really feel... glad my mother and father accepted me as their daughter and came to my wedding in the Caribbean with open arms and hearts. And they had a BLAST!!! That is pretty crazy that you would not attend your own daughters wedding.. no matter where it was. In the end if you daughter was going to be married.. it would not be about you.

BTW...Our guests had a blast at our DW. And if you did not want to come or could not make it.. there was no hard feelings on our end.

It definitely was not all about our wedding. It was a nice way to take a vacation for our friends and family and also to attend our wedding. For a couple of hours... I did not plan anyones trip nor did I make any activity or such mandatory. I would say our guests had a blast family, vacation, wedding... etc!

I'm sorry you feel that vacations/weddings are obnoxious.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, the OP did, indeed, ask for opinions on destinations weddings.

But, I don't think the destination wedding is her real issue.
When you look at it, the only real problem with the wedding she would like to plan seems to be her fiance's parents.

Only, she doesn't seem to want to tell us what the issue is.

I think there is more to this story.

But, I will say that IF the OP has posted here, omitting these details, hoping for 'permission' to exclude the groom's parents, yes, she might be met with some negative judgement.

 

[surfgirl]

One thing I feel strongly about is the financial piece of it. Many people who have a destination wedding claim that they can't afford a wedding at home with the $x /head, etc.

However, they are asking their guests to spend a SIGNIFICANT amount of their own money to attend the wedding. (as well as vacation time, etc.)

The total cost of the wedding may be the same if you add in all the extra people's airfare, hotel/restaurant food outside the wedding venue, hotel costs, car rental, etc. they have just spread the costs from their own pocket to other people's.

I guess I feel strongly about this because I was an invitee, we could not attend, and there were hard feelings and the bride/groom did not understand. I wish I had a close enough relationship I could forward this thread to them!

 

[*Meagan*]

You know what I think is obnoxious? When guests think they get to dictate how the wedding "should" be and then boo hoo about it. An invitation is not an obligation. You dont have to go. People understand if someone cant travel to their wedding.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Again, OP, you openly mentioned brother and his dogs..... (obviously a very lame personal reason to miss a siblings wedding.) So, why not give us some idea why your fiance's parents would not attend?

You can not get good and valid specific feedback if you don't give the details.

There is obviously more to the story here.

 

[Wishing on a star]

So I don't know what to do, if we had a wedding here where we lived it would no longer be small, it would turn into 100 people @ 100 a head, thats $10000 just on dinner! (We have large extended families that we'd have to invite). My parents said they'd help us pay for the Disney Wedding.

First, the wedding would only be as large as the number of people that YOU choose to invite.

And, sorry, but NO way would a local wedding cost more than WDW.
$100.00 a plate???????
Absolutely does not have to be that much.

 

[disykat]

Well, the OP did, indeed, ask for opinions on destinations weddings.

But, I don't think the destination wedding is her real issue.
When you look at it, the only real problem with the wedding she would like to plan seems to be her fiance's parents.

Only, she doesn't seem to want to tell us what the issue is.

I think there is more to this story.

But, I will say that IF the OP has posted here, omitting these details, hoping for 'permission' to exclude the groom's parents, yes, she might be met with some negative judgement.

I agree. From her post it sounded like her problem is not that she wants a destination wedding, it's that she wants to have a destination wedding so she doesn't have to have a large local wedding. She doesn't want to invite her EXTENDED family and friends and this is a way not to offend them. The issue some of us are having is that she knows her new inlaws will not be able to attend and that doesn't seem to be an issue for her.

As many of us have said, a destination wedding is fine if you are willing to accept who will/won't come. But to choose you wedding location specifically so that your inlaws can't come for the reason of not offending EXTENDED family seems to specifically exclude your inlaws - not the best way to start family relationships. It says "we don't care about you, we just don't want to offend these other people."

IMO, if you are having a wedding with guests, parents trump other guests.

 

[Scurvy]

Having read this thread I find that there is a lot of hostility towards the original posters considerations for their wedding. While she may have been asking for your advice, I'm sure she wasn't asking for criticism of her choice.
---------------------------------
As for the original poster, she has stressed that having a small wedding is what they are interested in. Additionally they want a venue that has some significance to them, and none of the local venues that they considered ahve that. There are probably details that ahve not been included, and she might have offered to pay or help with the cost of her brother and grandfather, but they have made their decision.

It doesn't sound to me like they have entirely made their decision. It sounds like they are in the process of doing so. The OP said

Not sure what to do...WWYD?

and titled the thread "Destination Wedding, your thoughts/opinions" so presumably she is interested in what other posters think. I haven't noticed anyone expressing hostility toward the OP or her wedding. I have noticed people expressing their opinions of destination weddings, some of which are positive and some of which are negative - but isn't that what the OP asked for? The thread wouldn't be very useful if the only thoughts or opinions the OP got were those that agreed with her because everyone else was afraid to sound critical.

 

[Carly_Roach]

One thing I feel strongly about is the financial piece of it. Many people who have a destination wedding claim that they can't afford a wedding at home with the $x /head, etc.

However, they are asking their guests to spend a SIGNIFICANT amount of their own money to attend the wedding. (as well as vacation time, etc.)
The total cost of the wedding may be the same if you add in all the extra people's airfare, hotel/restaurant food outside the wedding venue, hotel costs, car rental, etc. they have just spread the costs from their own pocket to other people's.

I guess I feel strongly about this because I was an invitee, we could not attend, and there were hard feelings and the bride/groom did not understand. I wish I had a close enough relationship I could forward this thread to them!

On this I will agree with you 100%. When you have a wedding, you should expect to spend X amount of money on it. You shouldn't expect your guests to foot part of that bill. The guest goes from spending maybe $100 - $500 on a gift (depending on local customs) to having to spend upwards of $2,000 for the 'gift' of being there PLUS having to get the actual wedding gift.

It puts the family and friends in a position where it seems they're saying, "I love you but you're not worth $2,000 and a week's vacation" when that's not really true at all. If my brother experienced a tragedy you can bet we'd be there with $2,000 and a week's vacation at the very least. But I can't say the same about a Hawaii or Tahiti destination wedding.

I will agree with the poster who said find out who you'd be destitute about if they couldn't be there (I think she said her mother and MIL), check with them, then go full steam ahead if you have their blessings. Everyone else showing up is gravy. But choosing a destination wedding means giving up the right to be upset if the only people who can make it to your chosen destination is you and your intended.

As far as the OP and her future in-laws are concerned, it's her bed. She knows details that we aren't privy to. She'll have to make her bed and lie in it as best as she can. I don't like telling her she's right or wrong, or giving her advice about those kinds of things, because I'm not the one that will have to live with the consequences of the advice I'm doling out so generously.

Free advice is worth much less than what you paid for it, so the OP is more than welcome to disregard everything I'm posting.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My parents said they'd help us pay for the Disney Wedding.

Again, more missing and one sided information given by the OP.

Her parents would help pay for WDW wedding, but are they NOT offering to help with a local wedding????

This isn't about destination weddings in general....
There is obviously a lot more going on here.

 

[Scurvy]

Again, OP, you openly mentioned brother and his dogs..... (obviously a very lame personal reason to miss a siblings wedding.) So, why not give us some idea why your fiance's parents would not attend?

You can not get good and valid specific feedback if you don't give the details.

There is obviously more to the story here.

The thing with the dogs does sound like a pretty lame reason. I can't imagine not being willing to board my dogs if it meant I'd have to miss my sister's wedding! Having said that, my parents had a 15 year old Golden Retriever who they couldn't board for the last year of her life. She was quite ill and they loved her and they weren't willing to stress her or endanger her health by boarding her. They stopped vacationing as much as they used to and only traveled on short car trips to places where they could take her with them. I don't know what they would have done if one of their children had gotten married during that year, and had chosen a destination wedding. I imagine they would have felt as though they were choosing between the dog's life and the wedding, which is a pretty awful choice to ask someone to make. But then we would have considered that when planning the wedding, I'm sure, so we wouldn't have put them in the position to have to make that choice. I seriously doubt that the OP's brother has such a good reason for not wanting to leave his dogs, though!

I admit, I also wonder why the parents would not attend, since to me that makes a big difference. If they would choose not to go because they aren't Disney people or they don't care enough about the wedding to bother traveling for it, then I would go ahead with a destination wedding and not give them a second thought. On the other hand, if they were physically unable to travel there due to their health, or couldn't afford to, or something like that then I would feel completely different about it. Basically, if they didn't want to be there, then I wouldn't feel bad that they weren't. But if they did want to be there and my choices made that impossible (or at least made it a significant hardship) I would want to change things so that they could be there.

ETA- In light of some comments on the thread I want to clarify - by not giving them a second thought, I mean I would no longer consider them when making my wedding plans. The fact that they were not attending the wedding would hopefully not affect my future relationship with them, though I admit I would likely be hurt that they didn't want to attend.

 

[Cooky]

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[Carly_Roach]

After much debate and conjecture, let's have a look at the OP, shall we?

For a very long time me and fiance have been trying to plan some sort of wedding. I wasn't really actively trying to plan anything b/c I wanted to finish college first, but now that i am done we'd like to plan something small.

IOW, if they make it a home wedding, it will be a large affair due to the relatives.

So we thought a Disney Wedding , small, 21 people (including us and our DD). Its just those that are closest to us, parents, grandparents, brothers,sisters, and my aunt (who is like my sister we are 7 years apart), my uncle, and their 3 kids, and my fiance's best friend. Me and my aunt were planning a Disney Vacation anyway and my parents and sis would probably have went along too in Aug. Did I mention this would be my dream wedding?

The problem? FIance isn't too sure his parents would go, he thinks it would just be his sis, grandmother and his best friend. And I don't think my grandfather would come or my brother. My grandfather is older and I don't know if he'd want to travel and my brother has dogs that he doesn't want to leave.

Someone else mentioned this about the dogs. What if the dogs are Pit Bulls or some other breed that can't be boarded easily? Not to mention the extra cost of having board them.

Fiance doesn't seem too upset that his parents may not come, it doesn't seem to phase him much.

Whatever is going on between the DF and his parents isn't a detail we're privvy to. However, we've been told that he's not all that broken up about it. Maybe he comes from a cruel home. Maybe they cut him out of their lives when he asked for college money. Who knows? I'll have to take the OP at her word unless I get more information that tells me that his parents are very upset about this.

So I don't know what to do, if we had a wedding here where we lived it would no longer be small, it would turn into 100 people @ 100 a head, thats $10000 just on dinner! (We have large extended families that we'd have to invite). My parents said they'd help us pay for the Disney Wedding.

I totally get this. Her parents are willing to help out on a small wedding which a Disney Wedding would guarantee because it's a destination wedding. I suspect that they're not willing to go into hock for a large blow-out locally which it sounds like what would happen if they decided to have the wedding at home.

I guess, I am sad that my grandfather and brother probably won't come, but I understand that they can't, I wouldn't be mad, but at the same time I don't want them to be mad at me for not getting married locally.
Not sure what to do...WWYD?

I've already given my advice on what she asked for. I just wanted to re-iterate that you have no control over how people feel and I agree with several other posters here who say that people are going to be put out no matter what you do. You might as well make the day one that YOU will remember.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Tell us how you really feel... glad my mother and father accepted me as their daughter and came to my wedding in the Caribbean with open arms and hearts. And they had a BLAST!!! That is pretty crazy that you would not attend your own daughters wedding.. no matter where it was. In the end if you daughter was going to be married.. it would not be about you.

BTW...Our guests had a blast at our DW. And if you did not want to come or could not make it.. there was no hard feelings on our end.

It definitely was not all about our wedding. It was a nice way to take a vacation for our friends and family and also to attend our wedding. For a couple of hours... I did not plan anyones trip nor did I make any activity or such mandatory. I would say our guests had a blast family, vacation, wedding... etc!

I'm sorry you feel that vacations/weddings are obnoxious.

I have to be honest here. You are newly married. Most likely (I could be wrong though) most of your friends are either newly married or getting married etc. You are in a much different place than say someone like me is. When DH and I were dating/engaged/just married we probably would have gone to a friend's destination wedding and had a ball. If we got invited to one now we would not go. We don't want to vacation with tons of family and friends. We see those people all the time and our life is very hectic. We like to get away and just spend time as a family unit. So, while to you it was a great vacation, to someone at my point in life it would not be. If I wasn't married I know my own sibling would not be thrilled with a destination wedding either if that was my plan. My sibling loves me dearly and we talk every day etc. and are very close. While they would not want to miss my wedding they would not be thrilled with using vacation time and money of that amount just to come. I don't blame them.

While some say it is all about the bride etc. I disagree. I feel you need to take your guests into consideration. If you want certain people to attend you (a general you) need to realize that not everyone can travel all over. If your family is that important to you then you make adjustments imo. For us it was more than two people committing to each other. It was the joining of two families.

As for the OP- there is no way I would ever plan any type of wedding if my fiance's parents or my own could not attend. You are a Mother. How would you feel if you were excluded from an event like that? Regardless of why they won't/can't travel they should be there.

 

[*Meagan*]

Yes, there are parents and other relatives who decline to participate in destination weddings. It doesn't make them bad people.

Hmmm.. I never once said anyone was a bad person for not attending a DW and Im not a bad person for having a DW.

We invited over 200 guests to Turks and Caicos for our wedding and we had 22 people come and we were thrilled. We had a reception for everyone who could not make it. And there were no hard feelings towards anyone.

 

[*Meagan*]

OP please check out

www.bestdestinationwedding.com

It is an amazing site and it may very well help you with your decision.

 

[*Meagan*]

First, the wedding would only be as large as the number of people that YOU choose to invite.

And, sorry, but NO way would a local wedding cost more than WDW.
$100.00 a plate???????
Absolutely does not have to be that much.

Sorry for the 8 venues I looked into in Connecticut all were $100+ per plate. My favorite place being $150 a plate.

Our DW was far less costly than a local wedding would have been. Hands down. I calculated numbers for months, researched for months, and in the end we chose DW. Most people were shocked at this conclusion as I have been planning my wedding since birth.. really into it etc.. but I could not be happier with how and where we were married.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Sorry for the 8 venues I looked into in Connecticut all were $100+ per plate. My favorite place being $150 a plate.

Our DW was far less costly than a local wedding would have been. Hands down. I calculated numbers for months, researched for months, and in the end we chose DW. Most people were shocked at this conclusion as I have been planning my wedding since birth.. really into it etc.. but I could not be happier with how and where we were married.

While I would agree it definitely was less costly to YOU, that is only because your other guests had to pay their way. I am glad it worked for you and it was what you wanted, but it was only cheaper because other people had to pay their way.

 

[*Meagan*]

I have to be honest here. You are newly married. Most likely (I could be wrong though) most of your friends are either newly married or getting married etc. You are in a much different place than say someone like me is. When DH and I were dating/engaged/just married we probably would have gone to a friend's destination wedding and had a ball. If we got invited to one now we would not go. We don't want to vacation with tons of family and friends. We see those people all the time and our life is very hectic. We like to get away and just spend time as a family unit. So, while to you it was a great vacation, to someone at my point in life it would not be. If I wasn't married I know my own sibling would not be thrilled with a destination wedding either if that was my plan. My sibling loves me dearly and we talk every day etc. and are very close. While they would not want to miss my wedding they would not be thrilled with using vacation time and money of that amount just to come. I don't blame them.

While some say it is all about the bride etc. I disagree. I feel you need to take your guests into consideration. If you want certain people to attend you (a general you) need to realize that not everyone can travel all over. If your family is that important to you then you make adjustments imo. For us it was more than two people committing to each other. It was the joining of two families.

As for the OP- there is no way I would ever plan any type of wedding if my fiance's parents or my own could not attend. You are a Mother. How would you feel if you were excluded from an event like that? Regardless of why they won't/can't travel they should be there.

We had people from age 6 to age 70 at our wedding in the Caribbean. Im not making excuses. And not just young couples have DW.. just pointing that out.

We made adjustments. My entire family lives in CT, ME, FL, MA.. we now live in Utah.. no matter what there would be traveling on both ends. Everyone in our family was able to celebrate with us at our reception in the states.

AGAIN I will say you can not please everyone all the darn time.
There was no hard feelings towards anyone that could not attend our DW. It was something we wanted to do so we did it.That is it. agree or disagree.It happened!

 

[*Meagan*]

While I would agree it definitely was less costly to YOU, that is only because your other guests had to pay their way. I am glad it worked for you and it was what you wanted, but it was only cheaper because other people had to pay their way.

NO ONE WAS FORCED TO GO!

oh my heck.