Demanding in-laws, Am I too touchy?

[Kay7979]

I am not sure if I have an odd viewpoint or not. My in-laws seem to think that because their son is their son, they are entitled to require him to do anything they need. They don't ask, they tell him what they want him to do. They are not the least bit handy, and he is, so they often saddle him with repair projects, or other matters involving their own home or a rental home they own. Part of their viewpoint is: you'll inherit this property some day, so you should feel obligated to work on it. Currently, they are looking for new tenants and told us to put our name on the for sale sign, and they are putting our phone number in the newspaper ad. As usual, they did not ask, they are telling us. My husband is seldom home due to his work schedule, and I have a home office, so it looks like I will be taking the rental calls. This bugs me. I am not crazy about being interrupted with rental calls, but I am sure I would grudgingly agree to it if they asked, rather than informed me that we are doing this for them. I don't like to feel like their personal slaves, inheritance or not. Maybe I just have a really bad attitude and need to change my viewpoint. I really don't know. I need an unbiased assessment. Let me know what you think.

 

[Hillbeans]

That's just obnoxious. To not even ask you or your DH is very rude.

I'd not answer one phone call and see how that sits with them. Just because "someday" he may inherit their stuff doesn't mean that he will.

Sounds like your DH is a doormat and doesn't want to tell them to do it themselves....are they very elderly and can't field phone calls? It's their rental property, they're the ones making the money on it.

 

[liznboys]

Regardless of any inheritance, they should treat you and your dh as they would like to be treated. And I doubt they would like it if someone just told them to do things, rather than simply ask. I don't understand people sometimes, all it takes is a little common courtesy and respect and it makes all the difference in the world. Some people are just blockheads! LOL! (I'm referring to people in my life who have acted this way.) And I don't think a parent has the right to expect certain things from their child as an adult simply because they raised them.

 

[Cinders]

I'd tell them to go spend their money now because if you have to live under their thumb the inheritance is not worth it to you. You're adults and should not have to rearrange your time/lives to suit their needs. If anyone calls about the rental tell them there seems to be a misprint and give them the in-laws phone number. The next time your DH makes a repair on the rental present them with a bill. I get so tired of people wanting DHs "advice" or for him to just take a "quick look" at an electrical problem Like if something major is wrong DH is going to walk away and just tell them "You're house could burn down......."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

His parents have NO RESPECT for you two, plain and simple. They are also arrogant, greedy & selfish beyond-all-reason.


So no, you have a right to your feelings. You are not odd at all.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I guess my husband and I live by a different view point. I believe we should honor our father and mother. If something needs to be done we do it gladly. I hope that our 3 children will live by our example and do the same for us when we are older.

I'm sorry I can't help.

Lori

 

[WDWMom]

I think you are right. If I were you I'd tell the people who call you that the wrong phone # was given out and then refer them to your in-laws #. I hate playing the middle man and no one should put you in that situation.

 

[stitch79]

I think you should honor your father and mother as well.

However, if it gets to the point where they are taking advantage of you and not treating you respectfully in turn...................

then I would tell them where they could stick their inheritance.

Its tough to deal with families at times, I would speak with your husband and at least see if you both feel the same about it. Maybe then you can come up with a good way to approach them about it with a united front.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by pirateofthecarolinas
I guess my husband and I live by a different view point. I believe we should honor our father and mother. If something needs to be done we do it gladly. I hope that our 3 children will live by our example and do the same for us when we are older.

I'm sorry I can't help.

Lori

Do your parents DEMAND that you help them??? I think you misunderstood the situation.

 

[Chicago526]

No, this is definatly over the line! I can see helping fix up the house A LITTLE bit for them, time permiting of course. But having you field the rental calls is just too much!

Too bad you can't change your phone number...

 

[Disney Doll]

I think oyu have several issues here:
1. It is rude of them to demand things of you, and dangle theinheritance as some sort of carrot. Chances are, that is a behavior you are not going to change.
2. Your husband needs to set limits. If they call and say "Bill, we need oyu here to fix the dishwasher now" he needs to tell them that he will be over at such and such a day at such and suh a time to do it,. The more often DH drops everything and runs, the more often they will expect that.
3. I would tell them flat out that as far as the rental property is concerned, you are not comfortable handling that. Tell them, as you tol us, that since DH works long hours, it would most likely fall to you to handle those calls, and you don't ant that responsibility. Then tell them you wll be giving out their phone number if you get any callers.
4. Have a chat with DH about setting limits with his parents and not being a doormat. He cannot be a doormat to them without it exacting some cost on you and your children.

I had a very dear MIL who had a strong personality. I was very lucky in that my DH always stood with me in important matters, and in doing so, kind of "taught" her that she would not run our lives. By the same token, my DH knew that he could count on me to be repsectful and helpful to his parents when the situation warranted it. Since they are his parents, your DH needs to be the one who gets this point across to them.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

Yes, they demand but in a nice way. "Honey, I need Jerry to come fix such and such."

It also sounds to me that the OPs husband really doesn't mind helping his parents. I guess it also has to do with how you were raised. Our parents NEVER asked us if we would do something. We were TOLD and we did it. Now, sure as an adult, no one has to do anything for anyone.

We just don't feel that it is an imposition to HELP our family. They come and help us whenever we need them. They have babysat for us countless times over the past 10 years.

Maybe the OP should start thinking of things that the inlaws could help her with.

Lori

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by pirateofthecarolinas


We just don't feel that it is an imposition to HELP our family. They come and help us whenever we need them. They have babysat for us countless times over the past 10 years.
Lori

No one said that we didn't want to help. I help my parents constantly. Pay their bills, fix their stuff, give my dad a car. Do your parents ask you to give them a car, pay their bills, etc.???

I had to set limits like Disney Doll said.

The only difference is they don't help us out back. Imagine helping your demanding parents and then you ask for something and they tell you..."we don't babysit, we already raised our kids."
They never took the kids anywhere, nothing...didn't want the "hassle".

When I got pregnant my dad looked me square in the eye and told me that he will not babysit.

I wish I had parents like yours. Give & take. It would have made my life better.

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by The Mystery Machine
The only difference is they don't help us out back. Imagine helping your demanding parents and then you ask for something and they tell you..."we don't babysit, we already raised our kids."
They never took the kids anywhere, nothing...didn't want the "hassle".

When I got pregnant my dad looked me square in the eye and told me that he will not babysit.

.

Interesting that you made this comment. I remember when I had my DS and both my mom and MIL made comments on how my child was going to daycare. I never once in my adult life asked my parents for a dime. One day, I could have gotten triple pay to work on a holiday and I wanted my mom to babysit. She went off on me, saying how i'm not there for my child, etc. She told us the same thing - I raised my kids and I don't want to help.

Granted, she probably had the start of her cancer then (my parents are/were older) but you'd think I asked for a kidney.

Some people have a very easy time taking and never offer to give. Just because they are your parents it doesn't mean you should be expected to drop everything and do things for them. You have a life and a family also.

 

[Beast fan]

If you're going to be taking the calls for these possible tenants, you ARE charging your in-laws an hourly rate for your work, aren't you?
I don't know if you have a separate phone line for your home business or not. If you do, I'd disconnect the other one!

Good luck. (I think you're going to need it.)



Dave

 

[browneyes]

I think your dh needs to have a son to parents talk real soon.

 

[Kay7979]

The Mystery Machine,

It sounds like your situation is far, far worse. I am sure my in-laws would help us do things, and they have in fact volunteered. I prefer not to have them help since that would create even more of an obligation to hold over our heads. Once I overheard a conversation between DH and his step-father where SF was angry because he had helped with something in the past, and he was loudly reminding my DH that now he was obligated to repay the favor. That stuck in my head and I have never forgotten his "you owe me" argument and mentality. To me, if you help someone you do it because you want to, and you don't tell the person later "you owe me one." Of course it is natural to feel that relationships should not be one-sided, so I guess under certain circumstances I might start to get a "you owe me" attitude, too, but it was not appropriate in this case.

DH has always been one who does not like confrontations and has been taught not to "talk back" to his parents, and I think this has carried over into his adult life. It's hard to be objective about how much you should do for free for your parents. To what extent should you feel obligated to help your parents because, hey, they are your parents. On the whole, I like my in-laws, and they are generally nice people. I am sure from their point of view they are not being demanding. They truly believe that it is natural, and expected, that DH do whatever they need since he knows how, rather than have them spend the money and hire it done. From my point of view they should hire most of the work done and field their own rental calls. Their name is in the ad, and they have answering machine, so I don't know why thy need our number in the ad too. We are remodeling our own house, and building another simultaneously with my husband being the general contractor and doing much of the work. We have been FOUR years building this house and it has become a joke among our friends. I don't need someone else's fix it projects and other interruptions added to the list!

While I'm griping, when we take a vacation to get a break from the working 24/7 routine, they intimate that we ought to stay home and get our houses finished since we complain that it is taking us forever. They can't seem to comprehend that we get burned out, and taking a vacation is not a frivilous thing to do. We really need the break.

 

[septbride2002]

It sounds like your situation is far, far worse. I am sure my in-laws would help us do things, and they have in fact volunteered. I prefer not to have them help since that would create even more of an obligation to hold over our heads. Once I overheard a conversation between DH and his step-father where SF was angry because he had helped with something in the past, and he was loudly reminding my DH that now he was obligated to repay the favor. That stuck in my head and I have never forgotten his "you owe me" argument and mentality. To me, if you help someone you do it because you want to, and you don't tell the person later "you owe me one." Of course it is natural to feel that relationships should not be one-sided, so I guess under certain circumstances I might start to get a "you owe me" attitude, too, but it was not appropriate in this case.

Wow I'm having a flashback. My FIL (my DH's step-dad - someone who did not raise him) once told DH that he paid for half his college education and that my DH owed him. First off, he paid $10,000 - which yes is half but not like my DH went to an expensive 4 year college. 2nd-ly DH never asked them to pay for college they volunteered to do it. and 3rdly - why does DH owe him and not his mother? I will never ever forget that arguement which is why I will never ask them to lift a finger for me. A couple of times when we thought of asking them for help - we ended up not because we didn't want to have to "owe" them forever.

Actually my DH no longer offers to help anyone out on his side of the family - or ask for help in return. We got tired of everything being thrown in our faces all the time. My SIL finally did ask - why don't you ask us to watch the cats anymore when you go on vacation - my answer - it is easier for my Mom to do it. Which is the truth.

~Amanda

 

[WishingOnAStar]

Just thought I'd jump in here.

If your in-laws are getting all the benefits from the rent and they are not too elderely or invalid to show the place, etc., they should should be the ones to field the phone calls. If someone calls and wants to see the place or further info on it, do you have to call the in-laws and then call the person back? It just sounds like too much of a "middle-man" thing that will just be a pain for everyone.

My dh is a plumber and his parents call frequently for plumbing concerns, BUT, they always pay him whatever they think it would cost them to have someone else come out. Of course, we have always tried to say we don't want the money, but they insist because they "would have paid someone anyway". Another example: I love to wallpaper and am pretty good at it. My MIL asked me to do her bathroom and we were in the middle of moving. I didn't get to it for about 8 months. I felt terrible about that, but, stuff happens. Anyway, she insisted on paying me - even though she could have paid someone 8 months earlier when she wanted it done.

It sounds like your dh is going to have to have a talk with them.

 

[lulugirl]

They are taking advantage of you and Dh, stop letting them.